Master Chief and Friends Versus the Multiverse
by DeltariunS SporK
Summary: This makes heterochromia look extremely common and I AM PLANNING TO REDO THIS SOON. Basically a gigantic crossover with lots of fandoms, a very confusing story, and is currently... GOING TO BE CONTINUED! Just not right now.
1. A normal mission

**A few (well, not a few) disclaimers:**

**I do not own Halo, Dead Space, Metroid, Mario, Mortal Kombat, Half Life, Portal, Garry's Mod, Team Fortress 2, Deus Ex: Human Revolution, Bionicle, Call of Duty, Star Wars, Assassins' Creed, Haruhi Suzumiya, Upotte, High School DxD, High School of the Dead, Date a Live, Kill La Kill, and Pokemon.**

**Additional disclaimers:**

**I do not own Cult of Personality and the fictional (and Steam) group o.W.n. They were both created by LoneWolf HBS.**

**All the characters in this book are not mine, except for a few made-up characters (OCs, whatever you want to call them) that are (and aren't) mine.**

**Characters' descriptions are credited to .com and other wikis. ThEy ArE nOt MiNe, and please note that I pulled some content straight from the wikis AND MODIFIED THEM.**

**This FanFiction is rated T, all bad words are bleeped out and violence is present in the story.**

**One last thing:**

**This is my VERY FIRST Fanfiction. And since it's my first Fanfiction, I would highly appreciate it if you R&amp;R (rate and review) and tell me what I'm good at, or what I'm weak at (or both). If you rate and review, you get more chapters that are actually worth reading and reviewing. So PLEASE, rate and review for your benefit, and mine as well. I also screwed up on some of the characters' personalities and disposition. If you don't have anything positive/constructive to say, please go on your own merry way. PLEASE DO NOT RANDOMLY FLAG IT IF YOU SEE SOMETHING YOU DO NOT LIKE.**

**Hope you enjoy it!**

Chapter One

A lone dropship flew through the night sky of the plasma-scorched remains of the planet Reach. It touched down silently next to a wrecked frigate, the _Savannah. _A figure, 8 feet tall and clad head-to-toe in sage-colored armor, a black bodysuit under the armor that covered every inch of his skin (excluding his head), and a sage helmet with a polarized orange visor that completely shielded his head hopped out of the dropship and started to walk around the frigate, scouting for an opening, or more accurately breach, in its hull.

He was Master Chief. Not ANY Master Chief, but _the _Master Chief.

"System check initiating." said Master Chief. His armor, the MLJONIR Mk. VI Powered Assault Armor, was meant to withstand a _lot _of bullets, extreme heat and cold, and concentrated plasma bolts.

"Energy shields: check.

HUD: check.

Comms: Check.

Cortana, is there a breach where I can investigate the ship's interior?" Chief asked.

No answer.

"Cortana, do you read?" Demanded Chief. Suddenly he was hit with a wave of grief and remembered the time where the Didact blasted her to smithereens. Suddenly a message popped up on his HUD. It read: Who the **** is Cortana? -Sarah Palmer

Chief cursed himself for doing such a foolish act. After Cortana's death, Palmer revealed to Chief that she loved him and asked him to go out with her, but the Chief replied with a deadly silence and stare. And now she was _forcing _him to be her girlfriend. She warned him that if he cheated on her, she would circumcise him with an energy sword.

"Nobody, i-its just my pet turtle." Chief replied with a slight tone of fear in his voice.

"I thought turtles were extinct." replied Palmer. "You're cheating on me, aren't you?! ARE YOU?! TELL ME NOW! THAT'S AN ORDER!" she barked.

"Flood juggernaut nearby! Can't talk now!" the Chief lied. He then looked at the communication module on his wrist and deleted the contact Sarah Palmer. _Finally, _the Chief thought, _I can complete a mission without that woman constantly nagging at me! _Smiling to himself and walking along the hull for several more hours, he realized that he had walked around the entire structure and found no entry point. He primed a grenade and tossed it at the hull, but instead of exploding it bounced off uselessly. _Stupid grenade, _Chief thought as he went over to pick up the grenade. As soon as he picked it up, it exploded in his hands, tossing him backwards with the strength of a Hunter.

After a few seconds of trying to stand back up, he went over to inspect the hull. It was completely intact. Even the words printed on, "Hard Hat area", was untouched. Master Chief growled in frustration, then threw his last grenade at the hull. It exploded, but the wall was still intact, except for the words. The words "Hard Hat zone" were now "Ha Ha ". That's when the chief remembered that the _Savannah's_ hull was meant to resist a couple hundred blasts of concentrated plasma explosives, so grenades simply did no damage to the hull. Looking at the hull in frustration, he ran over and kicked the wall in anger. To his surprise, the section of the wall he kicked blew off and landed with an ear-piercing screech as it skidded across the floor.

The chief crawled in and aimed his MA5B (little did he know that it was a heavily modified and improved version, the VK5B) rifle at a fellow marine that was sitting on a chair in the ship's cafe. The VK5B was the best rifle ever made; it held 60 7.62x51mm rounds in a small triple-stacked casket magazine the size of a H&amp;K G3's, and had a long barrel for a bullpup, further increasing its accuracy to the point where it could be considered as a fully automatic light sniper rifle. The stock wasn't spring loaded (recoil reducing) and was instead solid, for melee combat. Recoil? What's that? As a Spartan-II, Master Chief's strength was augmented to the point where he could slap missiles out of the air and throw cars at attackers. He could spray on full-auto without missing a single shot. Luckily, it had a rotating dust cover that altered the directions the spent casings flew out of, which meant that it could be used by lefties and right-handed people alike. The barrel could change its length without having to _remove the entire thing_ by protracting and retracting. All of this, and it only weighed _eleven pounds._ It jammed every one trillion shots, could be rolled around in the mud like a pig on marijuana and still fire accurately without problems, was able to be shot underwater and still be effective, and claimed by many to "break after your finger does". But for normal soldiers, sometimes the full-auto was too much for them. So there was a slider on the top of the weapon that selected the fire type. First was the safety, next was semiautomatic, a 3, 5, and 10 round burst option, and finally the fun switch that could shoot at 1000 RPM. Because of this and its low production cost ($100 dollars per unit), it could be called... Pocahontas.

He walked over to the marine and told him that he was going to be alright, that he didn't have to be pale with fear anymore. That's when he realized that the marine was asleep. Chief slapped him across the face, and the head slowly rolled off. Thinking that he had slapped the marine's head off, he looked closer and saw that the cut was badly mutilated and mangled, as if a blunt object decapitated him. The chief pulled off his helmet and threw up.

After exploring the armory a bit, he could see that there was clearly a fight between the poor marines and what seemed to be a Flood form until he looked closer. He saw that the body resembled that of a human's except for that fact that menacing blades made out of what appeared to be bones protruded out of the hands, and that the head was mutated abnormally. In fact, the whole body was mutated. He found more of these lying dead on the floor, with missing arms. All over the walls were the words "SHOOT ARMS OFF" written in blood. The armory was caked with rotting flesh, and all the weapons had strange growths on them. All the chief could salvage was some more ammo for his MA5B, his M6D pistol, and a plasma grenade. As chief looked at the horribly mauled bodies, he saw that some of them were _Elites! But I thought that during the events of the Invasion of Reach, the Elites were against us! _It looked like the marines and the Elites joined forces made a last stand, defending themselves against these... things. He even found a couple Brutes with missing faces. The chief had to throw up... again.

A growl came from behind chief, and his head whipped around in fear. It was one of those things! He spun around and aimed his M6D pistol at the creature's head. Being a heavily modified version of the USP, the M6D pistol had revolutionary technology that Master Chief himself made. The recoil was channeled to push the bullet faster and stronger, causing more damage than the Desert Eagle. Its accuracy and range was so great that it was able to headshot a turkey at 500 meters. Not hesitating a single bit, Master Chief fired at its head, which blew off, but the creature was still flailing its arms at him.

He shot the body with the bullets he had left in his clip, but they barely slowed the creature down. He dodged as he was reloading the clip, and the beast lunged, missed, and hit the wall. That's when the chief looked at the walls' writing and aimed at the creature's limbs. He fired a round which was enough to rip the thing's arms off. It plopped on the floor, obviously dead. He walked over to it and yelled "Hey, you tryin' to-" he was interrupted by a wail and looked to his right, and he saw a squadron of those things running to get a bite of him. He taunted "Alright, looks like we're just getting started!" and charged.


	2. A normal mission gone wrong

Chapter 2

Meanwhile, on the other side of the Frigate, a man in a moderately armored powered suit was trekking along the _Savannah's _hull. Like Master Chief, he was also completely covered in the powersuit and was also searching for a way in when his suit flashed and an image of a woman appeared. "Hey, Isaac, remember that your objective is to find the battery cell for our ship so we can escape this planet, not investigating the armory of this strange ship. You better hurry, though. Santos is dying of blood loss from when you extricated her from underneath the space debris on Tau Volantis."

"Please don't remind me of Tau Volantis again, Ellie." pleaded Isaac. He fought through miles and miles of frozen wasteland to stop the Necromorph outbreak, and he only succeeded in spreading it even further. He remembered the time he fought the Nexus, a 5-story tall monster, and the time he found Buckell dead. He remembered the time where he had to shoot a crazed Norton in the head. And all Isaac Clarke wanted to be was a space engineer, not some Necromorph slayer.

"What surprises me is that this ship is human, but it doesn't appear to show up as a cruiser in service. The S.C.A.F. and EarthGov has never seen anything like this, let alone heard of a 'UNSC'. The weaponry on this ship is advanced and built with mechanisms and controls that are incomprehensible." Said Ellie.

"I think the Sovereign Colonies Armed Forces are Lying, because the 'SC' in UNSC could mean Soverei-" Isaac was interrupted by a tentacle protruding from the hull. "What the **** is tha-" Isaac was pulled in the ship, his helmet grazing a jagged piece of metal, ruining his comm systems. He smashed onto the floor, jagged pieces of glass cutting through his armor. He stood up and limped to a corner, pulling the shards out his back and managing to suture the cuts, applied disinfectant to it, and took a heavy dose of painkillers. _It'll do for now, _he thought to himself while repairing his armor. In less than a minute, he was ready to go. He saw a blue glowing object in the room next to him, and he took out his Plasma Cutter. He had modified it so that it fired on full auto and added a module to his gun that acid-tipped his shots, causing even more damage. He kept the rotator cuff module on it, so he could change his reticule from vertical to horizontal and vise versa.

He wanted, really badly, to use his weapon. He shot at the glass, causing it to shatter, explode, and melt away. Cautiously entering the room, he went over to the object and picked it up. It emitted high amounts of radiation from some of its cracks and ruptures, but Isaac's armor protected him from radiation. He shut the battery cell off and pushed a button on his suit aka RIG, which in turn deployed a gas, and a robotic voice uttered "DECONTAMINATION COMPLETE". He walked out of the room, and immediately headed for the armory. He figured that it could have some weapons to give to Ellie and the rest of the crew to defend themselves. He also thought that if he salvaged some weapon parts, he could build his own gun! The thought of having an overpowered seeker rifle excited him. A low growl startled the living daylights out of him and he brandished his modded Plasma Cutter and shone his helmet's flashlight on a Necrmorph... except that it looked fairly different. Its head was replaced with three short tentacles with red, barbed ends. It was wearing some blue armor that seemed alien-like, and it was even more decomposed and mutated than a Necromorph. What scared him most was the fact it carried a bluish glowing sword of some sort.

Without warning, the Necromorph lunged at him. Isaac knew all he had to do was shoot the limbs off, so he cut off its sword-wielding arm. It merely looked down at its arm, then picked the sword up with its other arm. Isaac responded by shooting all of its limbs off, then finishing it with a stomp. A mixture of blood and mucus caked his boot. Isaac made his helmet retract into his armor and threw up all over the fallen body. He shouted "HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?! EAT MY BOOT! AND REGURGITATION! DO YOU LIKE THE TASTE OF IT?! DO YOU LIKE THE TASTE OF IT?!" as he stomped the corpse repeatedly. The three tentacles on its head slid out and a small bug popped out. It walked with its three tentacles over to what seemed to be a seven foot tall, hairless monkey. It burrowed in its chest cavity, and the body was violently spasming. Strange growths grew out of the skin dramatically, and the body stood up, horribly disfigured. It held what seemed to be a hammer. The infected monkey swung the hammer at Isaac, but he dodged it. The hammer struck the ground, sending out a force more powerful than a force gun. Organs and flesh blasted everywhere, and Isaac tried not to throw up. He whipped out his plasma cutter and instinctively shot the head, and it immediately died. He ran to it and stomped on it until it was a pulpy mess.

He looked to his right and he saw a robot donning green armor running away from a corridor, shooting a strange assault rifle that fired super fast. He saw Necromorphs swarming out of the corridor, with limbs and bodies full of bullets. Isaac took them out like a pro, one-shotting them. He turned to the robot, and said "You're a pretty bad aimer for a robot."

The robot replied by taking off its helmet, and Isaac saw a man's head instead of a robot's. "WELL, it's pretty hard to run, turn around, and shoot at attackers with bladed arms with an assault rifle, one handed." He showed Isaac his rifle, and it had an ammo counter on it. When he reloaded the weapon, the counter turned to 60. He a flipped a switch on his weapon, and the counter turned into a red dot scope with up to 5x magnification.

"Your rifle holds 60 bullets?!" Isaac asked, astounded. "Who has acquired the technology to do that?!"

The chief looked at Isaac's armor, and then Isaac's weapon. He then told Isaac that his armor seemed ancient, and asked Isaac where he came from. Isaac responded "Lunar Colonies."

"Lunar Colonies?! What the Jackal are you talking about?! I thought that the Lunar Colonies fell over 200 years ago!" Replied chief.

"How about we just skip to introductions?" Isaac asked, trying to avoid confusions. "My name is Isaac Clarke, engineer of the CEC on Titan Station. And you?"

The chief hesitated for a moment, but moved on. "Master Chief of the U.N.S.C., Spartan II."

Isaac asked "Does the SC in UNSC stand for Sovereign Colonies?"

"No, UNSC stands for United Nations Space command. I am a Spartan II, a supersoldier that wears armor, like this. Unfortunately I am the last of my kind. All that is left are Spartan IIIs and Spartan IVs. All the Spartan 1 s are dead." Replied the Chief.

The duo was interrupted by a chorus of growls, moans, and screams. Master Chief leveled his VK5B, and Isaac reloaded his Plasma Cutter.

"Who do you have?" asked the Master Chief who was putting on his helmet.

"Necromorphs... you?" asked Isaac as his helmet slid back on.

"The Flood. Are the Necromorphs the things with blades on their arms?" asked the Master Chief.

"Yes, and I'm guessing that the Flood are those things with the tentacles on their heads." said Isaac.

"Tentacles? What the heck are you talking about- OH CRAP!"

Countless Flood forms and Necromorphs surrounded them, but then suddenly, a flood form spawned a nasty idea in what brains it had. It walked over to a dead necromorph and infected it. After lots of violent spasmings, blood shedding and morphings, the end result was... Cortana as a human?

"Cortana...?" Master Chief mumbled as he stumbled over to embrace her.

"MC, NOOO!" Isaac screamed, but it was too late. Human Cortana exploded turned into a 20-foot tall beast with 10 thorned arms, each holding M41 rocket launchers. Now, the M41 was not something to be toyed with. It held 2 rockets, one in each barrel, and had a homing rocket that could level some buildings. One fired and it blasted Chief back to Isaac. His energy shielding was knocked out. The beast It gave off a stink so powerful that Master Chief's gun started to corrode and melt. Isaac turned on the Decontamination on his suit and the biochemical gas formed a bubble around Isaac. Master Chief's armor was doing fine, but his weapons had melted off. So he picked up an Energy sword and turned it on. "Come at me, bro." Isaac muttered to himself. Master Chief just seemed to taunt the Flood forms by swinging his energy sword around.

The Florph (Flood-Necromorph) beast eyed the duo suspiciously, and spontaneously bellowed a low moan. All the Flood, Necromorphs, and Florphs converged on the Chief and Isaac, and the epic battle of the two versus hundreds of biological anomalies began.


	3. A normal mission gone terribly wrong

Chapter 3

The only reason Master Chief was staying alive was because of his energy sword. Used by the aliens called the Covenant as a close-combat weapon, it was a handle with two blades, 4 feet long and formed out of pure energy, both jutting forward and perpendicular to the handle, unlike regular swords which had their blades pointing the same direction as the handle. The blades curved around the handle so they were closer together. The energy sword was so powerful and durable that it could slice through thick concrete and titanium in a matter of mere seconds.

"Chief, the covy's here!" alerted a female voice. "There's a Phantom boarding the Frigate!"

"WHO IS THIS?" Chief yelled over the wails of the Flood, Necromorphs, and Florphs. Isaac fired his Plasma Cutter, dismembering a Necromorph's limb. It went flying and nearly stabbed Master Chief in the face. "AND I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIREFIGHT, MAYBE TALK LATER!"

"Ok. Miranda out."

"What? YOU'RE STILL ALIVE?!" exclaimed Chief in disbelief (Hey, that rhymes). The last time he saw Miranda, she was a lifeless body with metal spikes protruding from her back. _If she survived all those spikes tearing through all those tendons and cartilage, she must be crippled and in a wheelchair or something now,_Chief thought to himself.

"Uh, CHIEF! YOU CAN STOP DAYDREAMING AND ACTUALLY ****ING HELP ME!" Screamed Isaac. He was almost out of ammunition for his Plasma Cutter, and he hadn't missed a single shot. Isaac's policy was "one hit, one kill"; Chief's policy was "fire in short, controlled bursts. Don't spray and pray".

Meanwhile, on the other side of the frigate, the Phantom touched down. Except it wasn't a normal Phantom, let alone a Heretic Phantom, which was green instead of the normal dark blue and purple. This Phantom was red, orange, and green. A chute opened up underneath the Phantom and a woman in a powersuit similar to Master Chief's, except orange and red with a green visor and curved shoulderpieces emerged.

The instant she walked out from under her ship, a tentacle burst out from the side hull of the weird ship. It snapped at her ship, and it exploded right when the tentacle made contact. It retracted right back into the ship and flung out two, completely covered in powered armor, armed men. One was holding a weird pistol and had orange strips of armor on its arms, legs, and sides of his torso. Its armored suit had a module on his back, and it was flashing red. The helmet had blue stripes for a visor.

The other robot was significantly taller than the other one. It carried a glowing sword that resembled a space pirate's. Its armor was nothing like a space pirate's, though. It was donning a green, powered exoskeleton that covered every inch of his body, and it had a golden polarized visor. Sparks flew from his armor, and she could see some blood flowing out of ruptures in his bodysuit under the armor.

Samus pulled up her identification system and scanned Master Chief and Isaac Clarke, who was categorized as "Homo sapiens sapiens". She scanned Master Chief, and it categorized as "Homo sapiens sapiens", also. When she scanned their weaknesses, she found out that they didn't fare to well against plasma and fall damage. She scanned them and their overall danger level was "MASSIVE", then wasted no time charging a plasma shot from her arm cannon and fired at Isaac Clarke. He spun around and emitted a strange telekinetic force from his hand and launched it back at her. She dodged it and fired an EMP at the green robot. It released a strong electric charge from its armor.

"DON'T MOVE!" Commanded the Master Chief, who assumed Samus was a human. "And who-or what- are you?!" He steadied his aim on Samus's head.

Samus cautiously took off her helmet and both Master Chief and Isaac Clarke took off their helmets as well. Isaac Clarke introduced himself first, who was apparently an engineer of a strange company called the CEC. Master Chief explained he was the Master Chief of the United Nation Space Command. Isaac was just under 7', but the Master Chief was, like, 8' 10" or something. He stood right next to Samus and she had to jump in order to be eye level with him.

"Hey, we said our intros, now how about you?" asked Chief.

"Well, I am a Bounty Hunter, and that's all I'm going to tell you. I don't really trust you guys that much. Sorry."

"It's okay, we can watch your episode of _The View _later- WHAT THE ****!?" Isaac shrieked as a tentacle lifted him up and slammed him to the ground. His RIG's health meter was flashing red, and he gasped in pain, grabbing a strange bottle and drinking its contents. His health bar immediately turned aqua blue. Samus observed the tentacle and her suit's HUD classified it as _Inferi sententia _which translated into _Thinking Dead. _She looked at Isaac and he shrieked "WHAT THE HE** IS THAT?" as he pointed his plasma cutter at the tentacle.

"Well, we are doomed." Mumbled Master Chief to himself. "IT'S THE GRAVEMIND..?!" Samus scanned the tentacle and her suit's computer identified its danger level as "Don't even try killing it".

Samus pointed at the Flood, Necromorphs, and Florphs charging at them and warned "INCOMING!" She fired a bolt of energy out of her arm cannon, and it struck a Necromorph on the head. It exploded, but it was still flailing its bladed arms at her.

"AIM FOR THE LIMBS!" shouted Isaac as he downed six of the Necromorphs with four shots. MC was mowing down the flood, dual wielding a Light Machine Gun he found and a shotgun he also found. He fired into a group of oncoming Flood combat forms and watched as they toppled like dominoes.

"HOW DO I TELL THEM APART?!" Yelled Samus. "THEY ALL LOOK IDENTICAL!"

"The Flood combat forms have tentacles coming out of their head, and the Necromorphs have bladed arms." said the Chief as he ran past her to bash a Flood form's head in.

Samus aimed her arm cannon at a Flood and scanned it. The computer listed its danger level as "Moderate-High". She aimed for its head and fired. Its head, in response, flew off, immediately dying. She spotted a necromorph and scanned it. Her system's computer listed its danger level as "Moderate-Severe". She shot off both of its limbs as it wailed and faceplanted on the ground, dead. A few minutes later, the mob of Flood, Necromorphs, and Florphs started to die down. MC spotted the last Flood form and karate-chopped its head off. Isaac was cursing and stomping on the corpses, and his armored boot was splattered with blood and flesh. Samus was just looking at the bodies and kicking them every once in a while.

"Ok, WHY did the UNSC send me here again?!" complained Master Chief.

"Your mission was to check for survivors in the _Savannah_." reminded Miranda Johnson, one of the commanders of the UNSC. "Oh yeah, if you're expecting a pickup, it won't be coming soon. All of our ships are stationed at Earth for defense reasons.

"But WHY would the UNSC send me on a mission to check for survivors?! I saw it, and you did too Johnson. The ship was nuked senselessly by god knows how many plasma bombs and plasma cannons. Of course nobody survived. And then, to make matters worse, the Covenant released the Flood within the ship to make sure no survivors were left. Combine these with the fact that the _Savannah _crashed 4 years ago, we can just prove everyone is dead." replied Master Chief.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." sighed Johnson.

"Hey, is your back OK?" Master Chief remembered how Johnson got her spine mutilated by the Prophet of Truth, wielding a Covenant weapon that launched superheated metal spikes. "Surely if you survived that-"

"I'm fine. I just need to have this prosthetic spine, because it got shattered when I was shot."

"Ok, I'm glad you're still alive. And never mind on my- I mean our way back I'll find a way. Chief over and out."

"Wait what do you mean 'our'?" demanded Miranda. But it was too late. Master Chief had blocked all communications with the UNSC to ensure no Covenant vessel could pinpoint their location.

Isaac held the blue battery cell and sighed. "I got the battery cell, but I don't have a transport. Now how the heck do I get out of here?!"

"Hey, guys, I still have my ship!" said Samus. She turned to her ship and saw that it was smashed to smithereens. "Oh, never mind, the Gravemind destroyed it. So I guess we will have to die on this condemned desert planet."

"You seem freakishly calm for something like this to be happening. What do you take?" asked Isaac Clarke. He never got a reply.

Suddenly a barrage of rockets flew out of the hull. Master Chief shoved Samus behind a blown-up warthog. Isaac used kinesis (kind of like the force) on the rocket and launched it back at its sender. He dodged behind Samus's wrecked ship, reloading his cutter. Samus peered over the warthog and saw a gigantic Florph beast, brandishing M41 Rocket Launchers. Did I mention 10 of them?

"OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-" thought Master Chief as the Florph fired a rocket at him, nearly killing him. When he got back up, he ignored his policy and wasted his whole clip on the Florph's head. It stunned it for a few seconds, which was enough for Isaac to shoot off three of its arms. He used kinesis to throw a rocket launcher to Master Chief. When he threw one to Samus, she shot it in midair.

"I already have a rocket launcher." said Samus while firing a burst of rockets from her cannon. The rockets slammed into the Florph, and it lost four arms. Master Chief leaped up and hopped in the Florph's mouth.

"Well, Chief's as good as dead. Its stomach acids probably melted his suicidal face off already." Isaac concluded, too immersed in horror to scream out.

"We should just kill the Florph and cut its stomach open and actually SEE if he's dead or not." replied Samus. Just as she finished her sentence, the Florph's belly exploded, and chewed-up marines flew everywhere, along with Master Chief. He was throwing up with his helmet on, so you could see puke dribbling out from inside his helmet. Isaac, in response, took off his helmet and threw up as well. Samus didn't throw up, although she nearly did as she gagged loudly.

Later…

Chief was out taking a shower in the barracks and washing his armor. Isaac was salvaging weapons and weapon parts from the armory to make a seeker rifle (an overpowered semiautomatic rifle), and Samus was sitting on a chair, looking through a gigantic window at the landscape of Reach that seemed to be looking back at her. _What is it about this planet, _Samus thought, _that makes it have such an eerie feeling? _Snow was pouring down from Reach's gray sky, coating everything with a blanket of white. _At least this ship still has insulation and heating systems, _Samus thought. Her suit wasn't made for below-zero temperatures, and it was something, like, below 47 degrees or something. She wondered how it was possible for a desert to become freezing cold only after a few hours of extreme heat. Combined with the fact that this was a desert intrigued her.

A loud CLANG pervaded throughout the room, which startled Samus half to death. She jumped and spun around, cannon aimed at the source of the noise. It was Isaac, and he was carrying weapons and pushing a crafting bench with machinery and a screen on it. He had dropped an Assault rifle. "Sorry." he said. Samus ran up to him and helped him push the bench.

"Next time, carry one thing at a time." scolded Samus. "Where do you want this to be?"

"Over there, right next to that computer." Isaac said as he ran up to it, unplugged it, and threw it out of the window (they were on the observation deck). It landed on the floor and landed right next to Chief as he was putting his helmet back on.

"Hey! WATCH IT!" yelled Chief. "You nearly killed me there!"

"But it was only a laptop..." shouted Samus back to him. "Right here?" She asked Isaac as she pushed the crafting bench up where the laptop was.

"Yes! PERFECT!" Isaac shouted with excitement. He turned the monitor on and operated the machinery, placing the Assault rifle between what seemed like two robotic arms. They disassembled the rifle quickly, part by part. He ran back to the pile of weapons he placed on the table, picked up a shotgun, and placed it between the robotic arms again. They disassembled the shotgun, and he tapped on the monitor. A keyboard popped out, and he furiously typed commands on it. The robotic arms began building at light speed, and then the end result was a seeker rifle. Samus watched in disbelief as he continued working on it, and then he cursed and slammed the keyboard in frustration.

"What's the matter?" asked Samus.

"The problem is that 1) the power ran out, and this needs a crap load of power to operate, and 2) I will need more weapon parts to finish building and modifying this weapon." said Isaac. "I'll go find a circuit breaker, and you go look for a weapon that I can disassemble."

Samus did a cursory search of the room and found a Plasma Rifle. She picked it up, accidentally shot it at the window, and it melted away. "Will this work?" asked Samus, eyeing the weapon suspiciously.

"It's alien technology, but I guess it'll do." replied Isaac. "But right now I need to find a circuit breaker to get the power back on. I'll be back in a few minutes or so."

Isaac left the room, leaving Samus alone. She found a glass panel on the wall, and above it was a sign that said: USE ONLY IN AN EMERGENCY. She punched the glass and removed its content. All that was in it was a handle. She pushed the button on the side of it, and machinery flew out of the handle and started building something. The end result was a rifle-crossbow hybrid. she pulled the trigger, and it shot an arc of electricity. There was a switch on the side of it, and she flicked it. The crossbow part rotated 90 degrees, so it now looked like a bow was on the end. She pulled the trigger, and instead of shooting a hyphen-shaped arc of electricity, it shot a vertical line of electricity.

Just then the lights flickered back on. The bench sputtered back to life, and Isaac barged in. He always, for some reason, almost had a "sunny" disposition when he wasn't fighting. It was almost like he was a normal citizen, except when in combat he was a ruthless killing machine. He stopped dead in his tracks and stumbled backwards, tripping over a submachine gun. "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE POINTING THAT THING!" he shouted in fear, pointing at the weapon Samus was holding. "Please, _carefully, _put it on the floor." Samus did as told, and Isaac picked it up and placed it on the bench. As the robotic arms disassembled it, he gasped "thank you" and collapsed. Samus noticed his armor was scratched and his boot was caked with blood. Isaac noticed her looking at his boot and he walked over to a computer next to the bench. "Come here," he told Samus, "there's something I want to show you."

Samus walked over as Isaac started playing a video. It was taken from the corner of a wall, and Samus saw Isaac working on a circuit breaker. Right when he was about to finish, the vent above him exploded, and a dozen Flood forms hopped out and infected the dead marines' bodies. The video stopped abruptly, and then resumed at Isaac stomping on the corpses and cursing, with scratches on his armor. "And that's how," Isaac panted, "I got these." He pointed at the abrasions on his armor and picked up the Plasma Rifle, placing it between the robotic arms on the platform. The arms flipped him off, and the bench's monitor read: UNKNOWN TECHNOLOGY; MUST DISASSEMBLE EQUIPMENT MANUALLY. Isaac cursed, madly typing commands on the workbench's computer. "Now here's the problem. The workbench is only meant to disassemble human tools and weapons, but the computer does not recognize this alien weapon in its files, so it can't disassemble this. But since Master Chief has more experience with this alien technology, maybe he can tell us how it works and how to dismantle it. I'll go find him-" Isaac was interrupted by the sound of breaking glass. His head spun to the left and he saw Chief smashing through a glass door. He pulled out his light machine gun and fired a short burst in the hallway he came from. A _thud _was heard as a Flood combat form fell to the floor, lifeless.

"Idiot." mumbled Master Chief, kicking the body. "We really need to secure the _Savannah._"

"Hey, MC, we need assistance over here," said Samus, "in dismantling this weapon."

Master Chief walked over and said "are you KIDDING me? Of _course _I can dismantle it!" He picked the plasma rifle up and, in record time, dismantled it and placed the parts between the robotic arms.

Isaac punched commands in the computer, screamed "YES", and brofisted MC and Bro/Cannonfisted Samus. "Thank you, MC, because now is the FUN part!" Isaac turned back to the workbench and typed into the computer. The robotic appendages gave Isaac a thumbs-up and started building. In less than a minute, his weapon was complete. Master Chief watched it, _green _with envy. Samus was bewildered. Removing the weapon, Isaac revealed its official name was the MK-V SUPERCHARGED SEEKER RIFLE WITH A TESLA BEAM ATTACHMENT, but he liked to call it _Knuffle Bunny._

"Now watch." Isaac said, hardly able to control his excitement. "I just need to find a victim."

Samus pushed a button on her helmet, which amplified her voice by 100%. She whispered "cover your ears", but Master Chief was covering his ears already. Isaac took a few paces back. Without any warning, Samus screamed. Master Chief looked at his HUD and it flashed: 400 decibels. All the windows in the _Savannah _shattered, and in response the blast shields rolled down and were locked in place. Not onlydid the massive sound wave attract Flood, Necromorphs, and Florphs, it attracted ALL of them. Ventilation shafts exploded around them, and the undead encompassed them. Isaac waved his _Knuffle Bunny _at the undead, Master Chief was strategizing a plan to kill all of them efficiently, and Samus set her arm cannon to the automatic rocket mode.


	4. A horrible mission

Chapter 4

The trio of supersoldiers were covered in remains up to their shoulders. Isaac's _Knuffle Bunny _was a one-shotter, and that was for the sniper rifle _itself. _The tesla beam fired an electrified blast of energy, and whenever it made contact with organic tissue, the highly energized beam would explode rather dramatically and violently. This was a godsend against crowds, and that is how they cleared the ship of all Flood, Necromorphs, and Florphs. Isaac used kinesis to toss a lump of body parts out a broken window.

"We should dispose of all the rotting bodies, as it could become a serious health hazard" stated Samus. She picked up a dead marine and threw it out the window.

"I have a better plan. Isaac, can your force-thing pick up multiple objects at once? If you can, then just toss... er... force-toss this massive pile of bodies out the window to get this over with." Master Chief suggested.

"I considered doing that, until I realized that my kinesis module isn't powerful enough to carry such a mass. If I could find a RIG kiosk, then I could modify the module so it carries objects with larger mass. I don't have enough resources to perform the upgrade manually, which includes opening up my suit, potentially damaging my suit permanently." Isaac said.

Master Chief picked up a corpse and looked into its face. A pair of ghastly, yellow eyes locked on his golden visor. The corpse's mouth dangled open and emitted a terrifying moan. It lifted up its arms, one holding a crowbar and the other a pickaxe.

"OH NO!" Chief shouted, and he sliced its arm off with a piece of jagged metal. Throwing the corpse on the ground, Chief picked up his Light Machine Gun and aimed it at the corpse. It slowly stood up, one arm missing, and its upper body exploded, sending body parts flying everywhere. 3 spiked tentacles protruded from the waist with the legs still attached, and they whipped the machine gun out of his hands. It landed in the corner of the room, where it snapped in half. Samus aimed her arm cannon and fired 2 rockets at the Necromorph. The blast propelled it through the air and hit the floor with a _splat_.

"Watch where you step," Samus joked. She picked up what looked like a Necromorph-dog. At least it _looked _like a dog. It had three tentacles jutting from its back, with barbed tips. She tossed it out the broken window in disgust. Just then, Isaac was about to pick up a corpse when suddenly a creature that resembled a Flood form hopped out and started strangling Isaac with its entrails. To Master Chief's horror, the creature _itself _was a HEAD! Its face was twisted into a grimace, and its tongue was unusually long and sharp. Isaac screamed in surprise as the creature's tongue ripped his mask off. Pulling it off his neck, he threw it at a dead UNSC marine. The creature let out a sickening screech as it cut off the dead Marine's head and started to infect the headless corpse. Its entrails burrowed into the hole where the marine's head used to be. The corpse stood up, with its head replaced with... whatever that thing was.

The corpse bent over and picked up a rocket launcher and fired it at Isaac. In response, he used his Kinesis module to force the rocket back to the corpse and blew it to smithereens. Guts flew everywhere and painted the walls with red. Master Chief pulled off his helmet to throw up, but before he could regurgitate his lunch, a Necromorph that resembled a Manta Ray flew out of the pile of dead bodies and latched onto Master Chief. It opened its mouth and a sharp proboscis flew out of it, nearly stabbing Master Chief in the face. It pulled its proboscis back and was going to stab Master Chief's face with it when suddenly his hand grabbed the proboscis before it would kill him, and he struggled to pull it off. He screamed "GET IT OFF MEEEEEEE" when Samus shot off the proboscis with her arm cannon.

The Necromorph Manta Ray screeched in pain and wrapped itself around Master Chief's face. If it couldn't stab him, it was going to smother him to death. A muffled scream was heard as he was flailing his arms and running in circles; Isaac was in the same situation as Master Chief's. Both were running around, flapping their arms like a decapitated chicken and yelping "GET IT OF ME" simultaneously. Samus sighed, then shot the Necromorph latched onto Isaac's face successfully. While he was stomping the Necromorph to death, she shot the Necromorph off of Master Chief's face. He pinned the creature to the wall with its own proboscis and started smacking it with a titanium crowbar as if it were a Pinata. It hung lifelessly on the wall, twitching.

Isaac finished his stomping montage on all the Necromorphs he killed to make sure they were dead. He used kinesis to throw the last few bodies out the broken window when Master Chief was jumped by what looked like a normal Necromorph human except for the fact that its lower torso had merged into a spiked tail. It opened its jaw full of jagged teeth and fangs and howled in Chief's face. Throwing the creature off, he pulled it by the tail and swung it around, heaving it out the window like a hammer thrower from the olympics. "Freaking Necromorphs... freaking sneaking up on me..." muttered Chief.

Samus threw the last body out the window. Looking outside, she saw a massive pile of Necromorphs and Flood. Aiming her arm cannon at the pile, she launched an incendiary, explosive canister at the mountain of guts and watched in disgust as flaming body parts showered the _Savannah._The white, fluffy snow on the broad crater that the _Savannah _landed in was now repainted with red, brown, and some green. She walked over to Master Chief's helmet on the floor, picked it up, and gave it to Master Chief. "Thanks" he said.

"You never told me that much about you," Samus said, "so why don't you tell me how old you are? Seriously, you look like you're seventy or something." continued Samus.

Isaac snickered. "No, really, you _do _look old, You have some slight wrinkles on your face, and your hair is as white as the snow outside... except for the red and brown." He gestured outside the window, pointing at the body parts strewn across the mysterious landscape of the planet _Reach._

"Actually, I'm 40. It's just that the wars I fought in gave me this look." replied the Chief as he put his helmet back on. "How old are _you, _Samus?"

"26. And you, Isaac?"

"49. Geez, I'm the oldest here! I thought that Chief would be... like... 54 or something." replied Isaac.

"Uh, guys, I don't think you've noticed, but there are a bunch of little kids running at us and screaming." Samus pointed at the other side of the massive hangar, and a few dozen kids were running at them. They were pale-skinned and had unusually long and sharp fingers.

"They seem awfully glad to see us." said Chief. "How could they have survived out here that long?"

"Guys, those aren't just _ANY _kids, I fear that they are something called _The Pack._" said Isaac with a slight tone of fear in his voice. "That means we didn't kill all of... them."

"You make it sound like that they are, like, animals or something. Come on, look how helpless, frail, and weak they are! They seriously need help!" argued Samus.

"No, I think you don't understand. These children are not what you think they are. They are... NECROMORPHS! They will come and rip you into pieces and freaking mutilate your dead body in such horrifying numbers! They will reach down your throat and pull out your intestines, rip you in half lengthwise, and shove their claws in your mouth and pull your head in _three different directions!_The Necromorph outbreak does some SERIOUS sh** to kids!" yelled Isaac. "Now WE NEED TO DO THIS TOGETHER, AND-" Isaac was jumped by a kid wearing a _Thomas the Tank engine_shirt and _Thomas the Tank engine _undies. He looked completely fine until Samus got a betterlook at his face. His eyes were all whites, and his mouth was opened so wide it could fit a head in it and swallow it whole. The teeth were replaced with bloody fangs. Isaac punched its head off and threw it at another kiddymorph. "AIM FOR THE HEAD!" yelled Isaac.

Chief walked up to a kiddymorph and b**ch-slapped its head off. He smiled for the first time in many, many years and said "Hey, this is… surprisingly addicting" he walked to another and also b**ch-slapped its head off, this time with more enthusiasm. A kiddymorph's head flew off as Master Chief roundhouse-kicked it. A group of kiddymorphs, mouths wide, ready to feast, had their heads punched off as Master Chief delivered a barrage of punches like Master Ip from _Ip man_and _Ip man 2._

Samus couldn't watch. Watching Isaac and Master Chief killing all these little kids with such enthusiasm seemed like genocide to her. She ran over and picked up a little girl and pulled her to safety. "Shh, it's going to be alright." whispered Samus. "They won't hurt you anymore-" the little girl/kiddymorph lunged and tried to bite Samus's head off. She smashed its head in and then realized the true danger of this virus, what it actually did to these poor people. It's a merciless virus, stopping at nothing to spread its danger all over the galaxy, and possibly the universe. Tossing the dead body aside, she went back to help her two new friends.

Master Chief was smashing kiddymorph heads in with an electric guitar he found. Isaac was showing off, wearing a blindfold and shooting the heads off every single kiddymorph that tried to rip his head off. He didn't miss a single shot. One kiddymorph jumped on Isaac's back without warning. "OH HAIL NO!" yelled Isaac, much to the amusement of Samus and Chief. He pulled the kiddymorph off his back and stomped on its head, splattering it like a grape. A kiddymorph tried to pull Samus's head off, but its plans were foiled as Samus effortlessly kicked its head off. It went flying with such force that it hit another kiddymorph on the head and killed it. There was one more kiddymorph left, and it growled and charged at Samus. It jumped right in front of her, and it got a nice headbutt in the kisser. The head flew off and landed on the ground with its tongue stuck out, where Isaac and Master Chief started throwing up... _again_.

1 hour later

Master Chief tossed the last body out the window, then Samus launched another incendiary-explosive canister at the body pile. The _Savannah _was caked in even more body parts. Isaac had just found something that he wouldn't tell anyone about yet before rushing off. That was 50 minutes ago. Samus was just about to go look for him when suddenly a door flew off its hinges and out stepped a mysterious figure. "How do I look?" it asked, and Chief and Samus recognized the person in the new armor as their new engineer friend, Isaac Clarke. His armor was noticeably less bulkier than his previous suit, yet it looked awesome at the same time.

"It looks... how do I say this... it makes you look more slim." claimed Samus. Isaac looked at himself and noticed she was right. He looked like he lost 50 pounds. "Does it hurt?"

"What are you talking about? It fits like a square through a triangle- I mean square hole!" said Isaac.

"I just thought that the armor was a little _too _tight. Its like you're wearing armored tights." admitted Samus. Master Chief bent over and guffawed. "Does it hurt when you, like, stretch too much?"

Isaac bent his knee back so his heel touched his butt. The suit pinched at the joint, and he winced in pain. "I'll be right back." he said, trying not to bend any of his joints too much. He walked back into the room and the door closed behind him, but right before it closed a Necromorph slid through the crack. It looked like a completely normal human except for the fact that its head was split in half lengthwise and its arm was horribly mutated into a glowing, orange sac at the end. It lunged at Master Chief and swung its arm at Master Chief.

Master Chief exclaimed "WHAT THE FU-" but was interrupted when the orange sac exploded with blood and some mucus when it made contact with him, and he went flying back and landed on the floor, concussed. As for the Necromorph... it was nothing more than a pile of flesh on the floor.

Samus dragged Master Chief to the observation deck of the hangar. His energy shielding had kicked in, but his consciousness hadn't. Just then, Isaac came back, with his armor slightly less tight. He looked around for Samus and saw her dragging MC up to the observation deck. He rushed over to help her, and slapped MC on the face who suddenly jerked awake.

"WHAT THE H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS WAS THAT?"

"What the he** was what?" asked Isaac. "It looks like you... got hit by an Exploder Necromorph."

"EXPLOSIVE MY A**!" exclaimed Chief.

"Look, we don't have time for this. We need to _focus on GETTING out of here ALIVE!" _said Isaac. "We have been stranded here for two... three days?! And that FIGHT! It didn't attract ALL of them! This isn't getting any better, and staying on this ship will lead to INEVITABLE DEATH! Do you understand?!" yelled Samus.

"Samus is correct." agreed Isaac. "Staying on this ship will kill us. This planet, if it hasn't been already, is _doomed."_

"Well, first things first." interrupted Master Chief. "And this planet was doomed 5 years ago. I was unlucky to have front-row seats to the nuking of Reach."

"And that is? asked Samus.

"We need a Pelican."


	5. Escaping the mission

Chapter 5

"Why on Earth would we need a freaking bird?!" asked Isaac. "Will we need it to... CATCH FISH FOR US?! Unless this 'Pelican' is a vehicle..."

"Right you are!" exclaimed Chief. "A Pelican is a dropship employed by the UNSC to deploy troops and vehicles. But right now, all we need to transport is OUR A**ES OUT OF HERE!" Chief pointed down at the hangar at a battered up Pelican. "All we need to do is get this repaired and fueled, and its good to go!"

1 hour later

After some trial and error, some quarreling and scavenging, the trio successfully repaired the Pelican. The only issue was that it needed power.

"Guys, I'll go look for a battery cell. I don't want to use the one I have with me now; I need it for something where I came from." said Isaac. "Give me half an hour or so." He disappeared into a hallway, leaving Samus and Master Chief alone.

"So... where are you from?" asked Chief. "I'm from Earth."

"Earth is destroyed," replied Samus, "by the space pirates."

"What the heck is a space pirate?" asked Master Chief. "Plus, Earth isn't destroyed. Its just a little over populated and polluted, well, actually not a little, but its still fine."

"You don't understand. The space pirates bombarded the planet with high-powered plasma energy." said Samus.

"Ah, you mean the _Covenant."_said Chief, now understanding. "You probably left the planet during the first or second battles of Earth, am I right?"

"There was no battle. Only a mass extermination."

"Well, did these 'space pirates' have starships like _this?" _MC showed Samus a decent drawing of a Destroyer-class Covenant starship over-nuking a hillside and small city below and a drawing of a Covenant Elite.

"Yep. How did you know? Were you waging a war against them too?" asked Samus, interested.

"We fought the same wars, except we called them different names. You call them 'space pirates', we call them 'The covenant.' These are 'Elites'," said MC, pointing at the drawing of the Elite.

"I FOUND A BATTERY CELL!" shouted Isaac with glee as he suddenly burst into the room. "We can FINALLY GO-" a tentacle smashed through the ceiling and lifted Isaac up, smashing him on the Pelican. He slowly stood up and took out a canister that read HEALTH GEL. He drank it, and the life monitor on his back turned from red to aqua blue. Aiming his hand at the tentacle, he fired a blue beam of energy at the tentacle, and it immediately froze in place. Using his kinesis module (the force, as you might call it), he picked up a drum full of petroleum jelly and launched it at the tentacle.

The tentacle caught it in midair and flung it at a wall. It collapsed, and standing on the ashes was _The Snowbeast, _a giant arachnid-Necromorph Isaac fought on Tau Volantis. Flanking the arachnimorph were a couple dozen Flood forms, and Necromorphs, Flood, and Florphs spewed out of the ventilation systems, surrounding the trio. Another wall exploded, and a squad of Flood Juggernauts were whipping their thorned arms around. A couple Regenerators could be seen, and members of _The Pack _surrounded the Regenerators. 12 more tentacles smashed through a wall, and suddenly a low voice shook the _Savannah. _It pervaded throughout the entire ship, and the voice bellowed:

"**I AM A MONUMENT TO ALL YOUR SINS."**

Chief was horrified and remembered the voice as the _Gravemind, _who was apparently still alive. One of the gravemind's tentacles wrapped around the Pelican and effortlessly crushed it. Isaac, horrified and enraged, spat out a stream of curse words at the Gravemind. With no way of getting back home, the trio was figuratively, and literally, doomed.

There was an eerie silence between the two factions, with a minute of staring and complete silence. It abruptly ended as Isaac blurted "Alright guys, let's do this. LEEEEEROY JENKINSSS!" and charged into the dense crowd of biological anomalies. Master Chief muttered something unintelligible, holstered a Spartan Laser and grabbed an energy sword, and sprinted into the crowd, slashing his sword at anything that came in his way.

Samus just said to herself "F**k it" and joined Master Chief as he was grabbed by a regenerator. Slicing it in half, Master Chief threw it at a charging pack member. He was suddenly mobbed by 5 Necromorphs and started Falcon Punching all of them to death. Isaac... well, he was just being Isaac and ruthlessly murdering all of the Necromorphs and Flood with his Plasma Cutter. A small bug-like Necromorph hopped on Master Chief just as he pummeled the last Necromorph to death.

"AUGH! IT'S IN MY NIPPLE!" yelled Isaac Clarke as he started spasming and struggled to pull it off. He pulled it off and it exploded without any reason, spraying blood all over Master Chief's visor. A pack member ran up to Samus, opened its mouth, and latched it to her helmet. All Samus could see was the inside of the infected kid's mouth, which was full of rotting flesh and some hair. Pulling the pack member off, she threw it to the ground and connected its face with her boot, squashing it. A bright red beam of energy suddenly burst out of nowhere, nearly grazing her helmet. It made contact with a Flood Juggernaut and it died with the wail of a Banshee.

"Floats like a Phantom, stings like a B**CH!" yelled Master Chief as he Falcon B**ch slapped the head off of a regenerator, killing it instantly.

The nexus of chaos and blood continued as the trio of friends fought their way through the crowd of biological experiments gone wrong... just kidding. They fought their way through the parasites until the ceiling of the hangar was abruptly blown off of the _Savannah. _Above hovered a group of Covenant Phantoms, laying a blanket of plasma shots in the hangar. The only things still alive was Samus, Master Chief, Isaac, and 10 Necromorphs whom Isaac killed with 5 shots of his Plasma Cutter, which was followed by Isaac shouting proudly "Killing two birds in one stone!" "And this day couldn't have gotten any better." said Master Chief, aiming his laser at a Phantom. He bellowed "IMMA FIRIN MAH LASER" and lasered a Phantom, obliterating it instantly.

However, he had enough bad luck for a Hunter's corpse to land on him, and it hit the ground with a SPLAT. Orange blood pooled around the corpse, and when Master Chief finally stood up, his armor was now as orange as an orange. Groaning in disgust, he groped for his laser but was disappointed to find it flattened, or more accurately _smashed,_as thin as a sheet of paper. "Darn Hunters," mumbled Chief, "still smash even when freakin' dead.." But Master Chief was gifted with the wondrous power of luck, and he remembered he still had his Energy Sword. He swung wildly and uselessly at the Phantoms as they delivered death from above.

But the trio received the surprise of their lifetime when they abruptly left. "What's wrong?! Come back and finish us off like a man... if they even have a gender at all.." shouted Isaac. He was interrupted when suddenly, out of nowhere, a black, cubical ring appeared that was approximately 5 meters tall and 4 meters wide. It emitted a purple aura as well as a powerful vacuum. Samus's suit scanned it for radioactivity and it read "one item at a time, please". Isaac tried using kinesis on a warthog to block the portal, but was met with failure when he was sucked into the purple void. Master Chief was nowhere to be found. As for Samus, she was digging her fingers into the ground in order to not meet the same fate as Isaac and Chief.

The purple aura suddenly faded away, and Samus was flooded with relief. Just as the last of the purple died away, an arm made of the purple aura shot out from the portal and flung Samus into the void. As she slipped away with the look of failure on her face behind her helmet, the last of the aura disappeared, as an eerie silence filled the _Savannah._


	6. Sweden's short Chapter

Chapter 6

Isaac slowly woke up to the sound of classical piano music. He was staring at a wooden ceiling... with pixels?! Fearing what was happening, he jolted up and walked around the room, with each second feeling more like he was going insane. Everything was cubical and pixelated... including himself! In horror, he lifted up his hands and nearly fainted when he saw they were blocky and pixelated. He ran over to an iron cauldron in the room and stared at his reflection in the water. His scream was loud enough to shatter stone.

After he had calmed down, he remembered that he kept a picture of his girlfriend, Ellie. Hoping that it would help him keep his sanity from going crazy, he pulled it out and looked at her beautiful, pixelated face. _Oh COME ON!_thought Isaac as he tossed the picture to the floor. It hovered above the floor instead of just lying on the ground. He stared at the floating picture in interest just as the door opened.

Isaac groped for his Plasma Cutter and pulled it out. It looked like it was still functioning, despite it being pixelated. He attempted to aim it at whoever-or whatever- was going to enter the room, but it only helped him have a tremulous wrist. _If only I had my Seeker Rifle, _Isaac thought, _then I would surely own whatever is about to walk in._It was nothing Isaac expected.

A cubical figure, slightly smaller than Isaac, walked into the room. It appeared to be a man, but that didn't assure his fears just yet. The figure had purple eyes and pants, had brown hair, and wore an aqua blue shirt. He seemed to have an endless smile on his face. "I see you have woken up." he said. "Welcome to my home, my name is Steve. What's yours?"

"Where the **ll am I? What happened?! HOW DID I END UP HERE!?" shouted Isaac. "Oh, my name's Isaac Clarke if that's what you wanted to hear."

"Nice to meet you, Isaac Clarke. You are currently in the wonderful, blocky land of SWEDEN, containing all of its friendly and some not-so friendly inhabitants!" answered Steve. Isaac took note about how peaceful this world seemed to be, so he didn't bother to explain the situation he was in with his possibly dead friends. So he instead asked if he saw anything unusual, like something falling from the sky.

"Ah. Nothing yet falling from the sky, but I'm guessing that's what you're looking for." Steve pointed out the glass window at a falling meteor streaking through the sky. Isaac got out his binoculars and inspected the meteor. Just through the flames he could see Master Chief falling lifelessly, or possibly still alive. "If you hurry, then you might be back before nightfall. But hurry, because in late afternoon **they **will start coming out of the shadows."

"Mind elaborating?" asked Isaac.

"Well, my friends and I refer to the people of the night as **them**. If you don't know who the people of the night are, they are bloodthirsty monsters who seek out to prey on the creatures of the day, also known as animals and we humans. They shouldn't be a problem if you encounter individuals, but when they appear in numbers that's when their real danger is revealed."

"I'm heading out now." declared Isaac. He opened the door and walked out, and was immediately amazed.

He stared at a beautiful landscape of a plain, teeming with blocky cows and pigs. The grass waved as the wind sifted through them. In the distance he could see some dark woods. The sky was gray, and thunder could be heard. "Holy schitt," Isaac began, "this is so... BEAUTIFUL!"

Steve just looked at the sky and said "It's not going to be beautiful soon. There's going to be a vicious storm, and it looks like it's here."

Isaac departed, heading in the direction of Master Chief. The sky darkened as a bolt of lightning fell from the heavens and burnt a pig to crispy nuggets (that sounds wrong now that I think about it). Rain started to pour, drenching everything. As Isaac left, a tall, shadowy figure followed him.


	7. Sorry, another short chapter

Chapter 7

A lone zombie shambled to an unconscious Master Chief. Slowly waking up, he didn't know what was coming towards him. He recognized it as Cortana.

"Cortana...you're...still...aliveAAAUUUGGHHHH!" He lept back after he realized what it really was. He pulled out his energy sword but it instantly morphed into a gleaming, light bluish sword. He swung at the zombie, decapitating it instantly. He walked over to its head and stuffed his foot in its mouth, but it was still alive. It bit his boot as he started kicking a rock to kill the head attached to his foot. It died after a few minutes of kicking.

Looking at his surroundings, he barely had a chance to see a shady silhouette walking towards him before a popup showed up on his screen. It read: HAS ATTEMPTED TO BREACH YOUR SYSTEM. OPEN WINDOWS 2557 SAFETY MODE?

Forgetting the grave danger he was in, Master Chief instinctively allowed the program to enter his system.

"Chief.. is that you?" asked Cortana.

"C-Cortana… I-I-!" gasped Master Chief in shock. He was at a loss for words.

"LOOK OUT!" Cortana suddenly yelled. Master Chief spun around to see a humanoid with 4 stubby legs. It was green and had eye sockets that were completely black, and its mouth was like peering into a black hole. "Chief, I wouldn't go near that if I were you." said Cortana as she tried to encourage him to back away from it.

"Aw, come on. It looks adorable! I mean look at that, it's smiling! No wait... is it?"

"Uh... Chief...?" informed Cortana. "A cursory scan of that thing reveals that it is 50% sulfur and 20% saltpeter, all of those being ingredients for gunpowder and therefore explosives."

The creature approached Master Chief and began hissing. Now realizing the grave danger he was in too late, Master Chief used armor lock at the right moment, but the blast was still enough to throw him into a tree. When he finally got his bearings back, he found out everything was rather blocky looking. "Cortana, where are we?" asked Chief.

"It appears that we are at Earth."

_This can't be possible, _Master Chief thought. _In the year 2557 the only plants still alive are house freaking flowers and a few trees! NOT EVEN A SINGLE FOREST IS ON EARTH! Yet there are trees surrounding me, and the air has never… been so fresh before..._

Suddenly a strange human with the same blocky appearance stumbled upon Master Chief. He saw what it was holding in its hand: a diamond sword! Master Chief lunged forwards and b**ch slapped it so hard that he accidentally snapped his neck, killing it instantly. "Chief... all it wanted to do was trade with you..." moaned Cortana.

"Oh, really? All I can do is assume everything on this planet is dangerous and a threat to humanity, because who knows what's going to threaten humanity next." Declared the Chirf.

"Like that's a threat to humanity," giggled Cortana, Master Chief looked up and saw a little piglet rolling in some mud. "What are you going to do, blow it up?"

"Actually, it seems like my answer to everything, the key to life for me, is blowing my problems up." admitted Chief. "Look at Installation IV and the Ark."

"Don't forget 343 Guilty Spark!" Laughed Cortana. "You should've seen his face! Oh wait... he doesn't have one..."

"YO! CHIEF! YOU THERE?!" yelled a familiar voice. Upon further inspection, Chief found it to be his new friend Isaac Clarke. "Oh hey Chief! Glad to see you're still alive!"

"Glad to see you're still alive too, Isaac. How you doing?"

"Terrible. Why is everything cubical and pixelated? It isn't something in my RIG... that's for sure. Hey, where's Samus? I thought she was next to you."

Chief remembered Samus and looked everywhere. Samus couldn't be far... she was right next to him when he got sucked into the vortex. Possibly she didn't get sucked in?

"JOHN?! WHY DID YOU DELETE MY CONTACT?!" barked a familiar voice.

"Who's that, Jabba the Hut?! guffawed Isaac. "No, seriously, who is it?"

"Palmer... how did you find me..."

"You better not do that again or I'll demote you to Spartan III!" scolded Sarah Palmer. "Oh, Cortana's back?! Not that ****ing pr*ck again!"

"I don't want to spend the rest of my military career training those goshdarn Spartan IVs! Even the ODSTs are in a higher position of respect!" complained Master Chief. "Plus, Jun is a complete retard! He keeps teabagging his dead foes!"

"Just delete the darn contact!" shouted Isaac, annoyed. Cortana immediately blocked all communications from Sarah Palmer, and from Master Chief's Skype account as well.

Just when Isaac and Master Chief trudged off to Steve's hut, a tall, mysterious figure suddenly appeared in front of them...


	8. A short interrogation

Chapter 8

"Sir, she's awake."

"Steve, waking her up was one part of your objective. Interrogating her is the other. It is imperative that we get as much information from her as possible."

"What if Isaac Clarke comes back?"

"Then we kill her."

"Y-yes sir. Ok."

"I'm just kidding. Why would we kill her? It would serve us no good anyways..."

Meanwhile in the forest

"Daf** is that thing?" asked Isaac Clarke, aiming his trusty Plasma Cutter at the mysterious figure. It darted around the two, leaving mysterious purple particles as it teleported. "Whatever it is, it surely defies the law of physics."

"I thought humans did that already with translight engines." said Master Chief.

"And shockspace." added Isaac Clarke.

"And shockspace or whatever you call it," sighed Master Chief. "Can we just get out of here?! This thing is really getting on my nerves.."

"Chief, slowly, slowlywalk away from it. My studies have shown that it is easily provoked if one looks at it directly in the eye, so don't make any eye contact with it." advised Cortana.

Backing away cautiously, Isaac bumped into the Enderman, who somehow appeared behind Isaac in an instant. It looked down at him with a mysterious power. "Isaac, whatever you do, don't look up." whispered Master chief in a shaky voice.

"'Sup dudes! What's going on?" asked the Enderman.

Isaac hesitatingly looked at it directly in the eye. "Um..."

"'You're new around here- wait... why are you looking at me in the eye?! WHY THE **** ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME IN THE EYE! YOU KNOW I HATE IT WHEN YOU LOOK AT ME IN THE EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

The Enderman dropped its jaw and let out a mortifying scream that spelled doom for anything standing in its way.

"SO WHAT'S YOUR STRATEGY FOR SOLVING PROBLEMS?!" shouted Isaac.

"Why, blowing it up!" exclaimed Master Chief. He primed a frag grenade and lobbed it at the Enderman. One second it was there, another it was flying in 10 directions. "The answer to life: blowing your problems up."

Back at the place where Samus is

"Well hello there. My name is Steve. What's yours?"

"Get the f**k off of me!" shouted Samus. She tried to snap Steve's neck but arm and leg restraints kept her from doing so. She attempted to headbutt Steve but unfortunately there was a neck clamp too.

"Uh, Steve, you can get off of her now. Remember, you have to extract as much information as possible from her." said a mysterious voice.

Samus looked at the one-way glass ahead of her. She thought her contacts were lopsided because everything looked cubical. After a few moments, she realized that everything she saw was the truth... somehow everything was composed of blocks and pixels. Her armor was gone, leaving her in her slightly too tight Zero Suit.

"Hey there, my name's Steve. Yours?" asked Steve, he sounded harmless, but Samus still had to be on her guard. The lustrous red armor that he was wearing along with a gleaming red sword looked like it could fight a gazillion Space Pirates and not be scratched one bit.

"Pam." Samus lied, not wanting to reveal her full identity took away the "us" suffix from her name and replaced the first letter with P.

"She's lying." said the mysterious voice. "I can tell because I'm awesome."

"Oh, would you shut up, please?! I'm going mad because you keep ranting about how you are awesome, which you aren't!" declared Steve.

"Fine. It's Samus. Now what?"

"Explain why you came. We can only assume you are our greatest threat."

"Well, you heard her." said Steve. "Why are you here?"

"I came here unintentionally, rather by accident. I was with two other people when suddenly a purple vortex sucked us in and suddenly we were here." replied Samus. "I was kind of hoping you would explain how we came here, and I _really _want to go back home."

"And where is your 'home'?" asked Steve. "If you even have one..."

Remembering the destruction of Earth, Samus had to simply reply that she was always on the move because she faced the immense threat of the Space Pirates. "Never heard of fellows called 'Space Pirates' before. Where are you from anyways?" said Steve.

"I told you I don't have a home." Samus had to reiterate this a few times to assure herself that Steve finally grasped the concept of her having no place to reside.

"These people were spotted by our surveillance systems." Steve showed Samus a picture that was surprisingly in excellent quality of Master Chief and Isaac Clarke trudging through a thick bog that seemed to stretch on forever in all directions. "We assumed that you know them because when our mates saw this green guy falling through the sky, this other person and you also appeared around the same time. So do you know them?"

"Sir, the two bogies are approaching our kill zone. Should we confront them?" asked the mysterious voice. "They are armed and dangerous, I repeat they are armed and DANGEROUS FOR F**KS SAKES!"

"I'll be right back." said Steve. He walked over to the wall and a doorway slid open. "And we won't try to hurt them... much." assured Steve.


	9. The way out

Chapter 9

_CHAPTER 9 ALREADY?! Wow, thanks! Hopefully you like it. IF you don't... that's ok. Just tell me what you didn't like. And die._

As Isaac Clarke and Master chief approached Steve's house, Steve was talking to his fellow teammates about what they were going to do. "Ok, fellows, those two strangers look friendly enough, so we're going to confront them... and let's keep it peaceful, ok?" said Steve.

"But I really wanted to use _this!_" A warrior clad in the same armor Steve was wearing whined and pointed at the shotgun he was holding. It only held one shot at a time, but that one shot was enough to make an enemy turn into a bunch of little body parts. A warrior that went by the name of Demoman often joked that if you got shot with it, they're going to have to glue you back together... IN HELL!

"Listen, I said this is going to be a peaceful encounter, and let's keep it peaceful, ok?"

"Fine." the warrior put his shotgun away as Steve led his group towards Isaac Clarke and Master Chief.

Meanwhile...

"Cortana. If you're alive, then how did you survive rampancy and the Didact?" asked Master Chief.

"Well, the Cortana you saved on the infested Covenant planet, High Charity, wasn't really me. The Gremind was smart enough to create a decoy Cortana. He hid me somewhere else and you took the bait. When the Gravemind died, I escaped and fled to Earth and resided there. After I received news of you saving humanity from the Forerunners, I sacrificed everything I had to reach you again."

"What exactly did you have to sacrifice? I'm just asking. You don't have to answer-" replied Master Chief, but was cut off by Isaac Clarke.

"MC, we have some unidentified subjects ahead. Engage or-" whispered Isaac Clarke.

"Wait, you want us to _marry _them?" asked Master Chief in a hushed voice, but it was still loud enough to alert the group.

"What was that?" demanded Steve.

"I don't know, probably just a villager or two making out." assumed a warrior. "Nothing much."

"You assume." said Steve. "YOU ASSUME! What is the most important rule of this faction?!" demanded Steve.

"He who assumes shall resume life in Hell." replied the embarrassed warrior. "In other words, you die."

"Do you think I'm STUPID?!" chastised Steve.

"Yes." replied the warrior. Someone in the group snickered, while another one just lost it. Steve, being the commander of his group, remembered that he had enough power to remove people from the faction.

"How would you like to be _exiled_from our faction?" asked Steve. _Well, that shut them up! _thought Steve, triumphant. Suddenly a warrior grabbed the shotgun and fired it at Master Chief. The buckshot merely bounced off of Chief's armor, but the power of the buckshot threw him on the ground.

"I said that we were going to keep this peaceful, *********!" yelled Steve. He charged at Isaac Clarke, and the rest of his group followed. Steve pulled out his weapon, a glowing red, spiked mace, and swung at Isaac but was stasised before his weapon could crush him. Right when he got out of stasis, Isaac stasised him again. It wore out, and right when Isaac was about to stasis Steve again, the warrior with the shotgun blasted him to kingdom come... I mean a tree. The sheer force of the impact left an impression on the tree.

Later...

Samus was having the best dream of her life. In her dream she was frolicking in a nice, grassy plain that stretched on forever. It was the only thing she wanted since she was hunted by the Space Pirates: a peaceful place in the world with nothing to shoot her in the face and slice her in half lengthwise. When she woke up she realized that it was the first time she was smiling... and drooling... in many years. Embarrassed, she tried to wipe the saliva off her chin but instead a robotic arm dropped from the ceiling and wiped it for her.

A hatch on the floor opened up and out flew Isaac Clarke and Master Chief. "See? I said I wouldn't hurt them! Much." said Steve. He was right in a way. Isaac Clarke was disoriented and his armor was scratched and slightly dented. Master Chief's armor was stained in mud and grass. Two beds popped out of the walls and robotic arms pulled the two to the beds and restrained them.

"Well, well, well. Welcome to MY LAIR! Lemme just flag something up: According to the control panel light up there, the entire building's going to self destruct in about six minutes. I'm pretty sure it's a problem with the light. I think the light's on the blink. But just in case it isn't, I'm actually going to have to kill you guys, as discussed earlier. So, let's call that three minutes, and then a minute break, which should leave a leisurely two minutes to figure out how to shut down whatever's starting all the fires. So anyway, that's the itinerary." declared the mysterious voice.

"Where have I heard that before?" asked Isaac Clarke, who was being overwhelmed with Deja-vu. "I think I heard it when I was playing a game before... in my childhood..."

"What are you talking about?!" shouted Master Chief. "What do you mean this is stolen dialogue from a game? He didn't steal it from _anything!_"

"Actually, yes I did." admitted the voice. "However, I am not telling you the source from where I took the line."

Samus yelled at the two something slightly too profanity-ish to shut them up and were silenced immediately. She cut right to the main question they all had: "WHYAREYOUDOINGTHISTOUS?!" blurted Isaac Clarke. "Also, being in these restraints really makes me feel like I'm going to be lobotomized or something.

"We will have to perform lobotomy on you if you do not comply." a panel fell from the ceiling and a drill attached to an arm started hovering around Isaac. since the drill had a flat tip, it definitely cut down some levels of fear but was still enough for Isaac to keep his mouth shut the whole time. "Why are you here?" interrogated the voice.

"You wouldn't believe us one bit." mumbled Master Chief.

Suddenly a new voice spoke through the hidden speaker. "Don't worry laddies, I'll take care of this problem!"

10 minutes later

"After careful study-" said the voice but was cut off by Samus.

"You call that careful study? I call that _concise_study." corrected Samus. "I'm pretty sure all you did was look at us and assume whether or not we're safe to be let out of here."

"As I was saying," said the voice, "after _concise_study, have determined that you three are safe, but we'll still have to confiscate your weapons. You can still have your armor, though. So that means no pistol for you, mister-"

"Isaac Clarke" corrected Isaac.

"-yes, Mr. Clarke. Person in the green armor, I'm afraid we'll have to take your diamond sword." Steve walked in and took Isaac's and Master Chief's weaponry. "As for YOU," continued the voice, "we'll have to take away that arm cannon." Steve went to Samus and pulled off her arm cannon. Now she didn't have any weaponry. But on the bright side, she now had two free hands. Steve walked in pulling a wagon with their powered assault armor piled on it. "Ok, whose armor is whose?" he asked.

After a few hours of putting the armor back on...

"Ok, now time for a little tour!" exclaimed Steve. The arm restraints popped free and Master Chief lunged at Steve and choked him. He held up Steve by the neck and slammed him into the wall. "Geez, what's your problem, dude?" he moaned, limping as he tried to stand. "Is he always like that?" asked Steve.

Samus walked over and supported him. "Well, he's not used to being held captive a lot. He's kind of traumatized from the time he was kidnapped as a child and turned into... well... whatever he is. A deranged- well not really deranged- a war hardened soldier in awesome looking powered assault armor."

"Hey, how did you know that?!" Master Chief demanded. "Cortana! Did you..."

"Yes." Cortana admitted sheepishly.

"Oh well, I guess its not classified anymore." sighed Master Chief. Isaac walked out of the room and was literally in "shock and awe". The interrogation room was actually just the smallest part of the gigantic factory/base they were in. There were tubes, wires, and all other sorts of crap all hooked up to different machinery and computers like the base was the inside of Frankenstein. It was an engineer's dream, being able to experience completely new machinery, implement it, and use it. Despite everything also having a blocky appearance, he nearly fainted at the sight.

"What... is this place?!" asked Isaac, awed.

"This... is our base." said Steve as he collapsed again. "Ow, dude, you REALLY had to slam me against the wall?! I think I broke my back or something.."

"You'll live." assured Master Chief. He inspected Steve's back. "See? It's only bruised a little. Well, actually a lot. Your whole back is purple."

Steve took a pill from his pocket and gulped it down, alleviating his pain. "Here, let's have a little field trip. Your engineer friend seems enthralled to inspect all this new machinery."

The quad walked through a gigantic room filled with a bunch of machinery and stuff, as if the room was a jungle filled with all sorts of life. Isaac was interested in a small back chest, roughly a meter long, wide, and high, that was surrounded by glowing, golden energy collectors of some sort the same dimensions. "What is this thing?" asked Isaac.

"This is an Energy Condenser." Have you heard of E=MC²?"

"Yep. It's Albert Einstein's equation of how matter in the universe has a lot of energy stored to be concise." replied Isaac.

"Well, this machine uses the equation. Since all matter in the universe has energy, we can extract that energy and turn it into other matter. So basically its a super-advanced copying or duplicating machine. So let's say you want some steel." Steve pulled out a block of quartz. "Just put it in this hole and these things," Steve pointed to the glowing machines, "and these will take light, turn it into energy, and use the energy to make more of the steel."

"Well, where I came from, I worked out that something like this would not be invented for another few billion years. How long did it take you to make this?"

"About an hour or two. It took us 5 hours to discover and implement."

"Would you mind showing me a blueprint or something? Because a machine like this would really benefit... well... where I came from." pleaded Isaac.

"Here is the official blueprint for the MK-IV Energy Condenser, but please note that it is very costly to make. Approximately ARMS AND LEGS!" exclaimed Steve.

Master Chief looked at the blueprint and saw _indeed _that the machine was made out of limbs of some animal and crudely fit together, with the shiny black plating to cover it. "So they _really_made it out of arms and legs?! What for?!" he exclaimed.

"Well, a long time ago, the creator of this machine was too poor to afford proper supports for the machine, so he used the limbs of animals as a substitute because bone served just as good as support than steel." replied Steve.

"And what's that thing up ahead?" asked Samus, pointing at a 10 story tall and wide, metallic ring. A bunch of workers were working and crawling over it like a colony of rabid monkeys.

"That is your ticket out of here," said Steve, "which was originally built to venture to other places, supposedly across great distances of space. But now that you're here, it will also be used to get you out of here. Do you know what that means?'

"What?" asked Master Chief.

"It means that you will be our test subjects. To, you know, see if the device works." said Steve. "But there's only one problem."

"Whatever it is, we'll do it!" shouted Isaac confidently.

"I DIDN'T EVEN SAY IT YET!" Steve barked.

"Sorry."

"The problem is..."

"WHAT IS IT JUST TELL US ALREADY!" screamed Isaac.

"we need more power."


	10. The way out, P2

Chapter 10

"You're kidding me, right?" scoffed Master Chief. "Why can't you just send up a bunch of solar panels to hover around the sun and collect energy? It's possible; where I came from, its been achieved already."

"That's an excellent idea, but the only problem is that this device needs 10 googol watts to start up and 100 googol watts per hour to keep it running. Another problem is that if we beam the energy from the solar panels and we don't beam it to the correct place, the Earth will be burnt crispy nuggets."

"That sounds wrong." snickered Isaac.

"Oh, that's SO mature." Samus rolled her eyes beneath her visor.

"We can just have the solar panels send the energy to us in a canister I guess." suggested Master Chief. "We can attach parachutes to the canisters so they come back safely here so they don't create a f**king meteor shower."

"Great idea. Now the only problem is manufacturing the circuitry, alloys, and other crap needed to make the solar panels." said Samus. "We'll have to get them first before we can mass produce them with the Energy Condensers."

"Exactly. Now we can mine or dine. Which one?" asked Steve.

"Let's dine first. I can eat an elephant." admitted Isaac.

Later...

"That was quite a scrumptious meal!" said Master Chief, wiping his face with a piece of sandpaper.

"It would've been better if they had real napkins instead of sandpaper." grumbled Isaac.

"All Master Chief ate was watermelon and pork chops with the 'NRG' drink, and Isaac only ate some spaghetti, a crapload of tangerines, and a glass of milk. So much for variety." scoffed Samus.

"But quite healthy, won't you admit?" said Isaac. "Look at what you ate; apples, bacon, candy, Durian (a type of fruit that tastes ok but smells like crap), egg, fried fish, and a variety of leafy greens. That's more 'crazy' than 'variety'."

"What's your secret?" asked Steve, obviously jealous of something.

"Yes?"

"How do you eat so much and not get... you know..."

"Fat? I exercise daily. It really cuts down on the extra weight."

"Well, we can't really tell how fat or thin people are now that we are stuck in a place where there is no such thing as 'round'." sighed Master Chief.

"There's roundness where you come from? I'm afraid that's only a theory here." said Steve.

"Is there even anything round in here?" asked Master Chief. "Do you know what Pi is? Circumference? Diameter? Pythagorean's theorem?!"

"Everything you just said is a theory except for Pythagorean's theorem, only that we also don't have anything triangular here. But we do have these photos:"

Steve showed the trio a series of pictures all with one thing in common: they were all pictures of gigantic spheres made out of some material taken from a distance away.

"You see, up close these gigantic structures will appear 'cubical' as you call it, but if you look at it from a distance..." Steve showed them a picture of the same structure taken from miles away, "...that the distance nullifies the 'blockiness'. It was then we saw that not everything had to be limited in geometry. Maybe there was something else... and this is what proved it."

"Oh, there's going to be much more than just round objects. You'll be geometrically shocked, that's for sure." sighed Isaac, taking out his picture of his girlfriend.

"Is that what roundness looks like where you come from?" Steve pointed to Isaac's picture, and to his surprise, his picture of his girlfriend was back to normal. No more pixels, no more blockiness. The only thing that wasn't changed was the background, but all he needed to see was his girlfriend.

"YES! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?!" yelled Isaac with joy, now in his green-moon rare happiness.

Suddenly the picture warped back to its pixelated state.

"NO! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?!" shouted Isaac in fury, shaking the picture as if he was a high person with maracas. "THE PICTURE IS F**KING WITH ME!"

"Maybe the multiverse is rejecting Isaac's new shape and is trying to change him back." suggested Master Chief. Coincidentally, the room flashed white and Isaac was gone.

"WHERE DID HE GO?!" yelled Samus. "He was right here-"

The room flashed white again and Isaac was back- and now he was back in his normal appearance. There wasn't a single pixel on him, and even his Plasma Cutter was back to normal, as well as his picture.

"Huh. You were right." Master Chief was hitting his head on the wall to see if he was dreaming. No, it was real. Isaac Clarke, the space engineer, was now "unpixelated", as Samus called it.

Steve, however, was lying on the floor, out cold. "WHOA! WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY HOW!?" Isaac Clarke was looking everywhere and shaking his head to see if he was having another hallucination, but no. He was fine again, and so was his picture of Ellie. Even though he was still slightly depressed about his missing girlfriend, it surely made him more optimistic about the current situation. "WHOO! NO LONGER AM I CONFINED TO A RIDICULOUS PIXELATED APPEARANCE!"

"Well, I'm more interested in Steve than you." said Master Chief as he looked at Steve who was getting his bearings back together. He was staring at Isaac's helmet mysteriously and was pointing at him.

He managed to mumble "He- he... armor.. round-" before fainting again. Isaac realized what he was fainting at; Steve had never seen a round object before, nor had anyone or anything where they were. Isaac's helmet was round at the visor, which explained why he was so excited.

"It's like he-" Master Chief barely started his sentence when the room flashed white again, and this time both Samus and Master Chief were gone. Thinking they were going to appear at any time, Isaac waited patiently for them to appear again, unpixelated. He waited for a few seconds, then minutes.

It was becoming obvious that Isaac was getting annoyed when suddenly a horrible thought struck his mind; If this multiverse, which only existed theoretically where he came from, didn't "agree" with Isaac's, Master Chief's, and Samus's, then it was going to be like antimatter vs. matter. One of them finished the other off, leaving destruction in their wake. Isaac conjectured that it was possible that Master Chief and Samus were clearly wiped from existence. And Isaac was the only sole survivor, which caused him to put his head on his hands and sob.

However, he was completely oblivious to the room flashing white and Master Chief and Samus showing up again, except they were back to normal.

"Isaac? What's wrong?" asked Samus, worried that he was hallucinating again. She approached him but stopped when he flailed his free hand and wailed.

"THEY'RE GONE!" roared Isaac between sobs.

"But we-" Isaac cut Master Chief off with a series of sobs and nose-blowing. Isaac was too distressed to realize he was using Ellie's picture as a tissue.

"MASTER CHIEF AND WHAT'S HER NAME ARE DEAD! ALL BECAUSE OF THE STUPID PORTAL-THING!" wailed Isaac.

Master Chief, however, knew how to get his attention. He grabbed a musket from a soldier and fired it in the air. Alarmed, Isaac hopped up and pointed his plasma cutter at anything that moved and even fired in the air. When his clip was empty, he finally got himself back to normal and stared at Master Chief and Samus.

"Hey guys, what's going on...-" moaned Steve as he was just waking up. He looked at Isaac who fainted and at the Master Chief and Samus who were no longer confined to the "cubical" dimensions, as Master Chief admitted. Steve shambled over to Master Chief, took a grenade off of his belt, and looked at it as if he were holding Medusa's head and ran outside so fast a loud BOOM could be heard.

"Uh oh." groaned Samus as she facepalmed. She ran outside and saw Steve stuck in the steel wall of the factory/base, with a large dent formed where he landed. Luckily, the grenade didn't release sharp fragments of metal, but the UNSC didn't call it force grenade for nothing. Master Chief guessed that when Steve dashed off to show his colleagues proof that the theory of round objects was actually real, he accidentally pulled the pin and BOOM, he was in the wall.

There was a flump as Steve hit the cold, hard ground.

Samus walked over and gave him a good one across the face, and he snapped up again, darting over to get another grenade from Master Chief before he stopped him and said "Don't worry, there's more where they came from. And less dangerous too."

"Hey, Steve, if you're planning to get us out of here, I suggest we start working on the dyson bubble now." suggested Isaac.

"What's a dyson bubble?" asked Samus.

"A dyson bubble is pretty much a bunch of solar panels surrounding a sun." explained Master Chief. "It's like Halo, except Halo is a dyson ring."

"What exactly is HALO?" interrogated Samus.

"We'll get to that later. Time's a wasting." groaned Steve as he started taking some painkillers. "Ok, first things first, we'll need lots of materials to create the solar array."

Master Chief ran over to an every condenser and grabbed a steel ingot out of it. He placed it in the "copy" section of another condenser, and steel ingots literally flew out of it by the dozen, each ingot 10 pounds. "All done-WHAT THE FU-" shrieked Master Chief as he was buried in a pile of steel ingots. He crawled out of the crushing weight and fell to his knees, injured.

"I hate this place." grumbled Master Chief before dropping on the floor, exhausted.


	11. The way out, P3

Chapter 11

"Well, that's the last one." shouted Steve as he put the finished solar panel on a conveyor belt, which transported it to a "large a** rocket ship", as Isaac called it.

"Fuel- Check." said Isaac Clarke in the mission control room.

"Everything else- Check." shouted Samus, wanting to get out out of the blocky universe.

The energy dome above the rocket ship dissipated, revealing the gray dawn sky of the land of .

Master Chief was being driven to insanity. How dare coincidence was trapping him in a pixelated world with no hope! Being in charge of takeoff, he yelled "BLAST OFF" and spammed lines of code into the main console he was using, and the rocket blasted off into space. Master Chief slammed the keyboard in a fury of impatience and success, causing the rocket to explode.

"NO!" screeched Isaac. "IT'S LIKE THE FREAKIN CHALLENGER ALL OVER AGAIN!"

But the solar panels survived. They flew off into the void, seconds later blocking out the sun. The energy meter on Steve's computer exploded right after abruptly reading: 23445345 gigawatts.

"Alright, I think that's about enough power." yelled Steve between strains as he tried to connect two heavily insulated wires. They finally connected, and the gigantic portal at the other end of the facility sparked to life and started emitting a green aura in the middle as Steve's colleagues threw their hats in the air as a sign of success and started hugging each other.

But the victory didn't end long.

All the commotion caused an army of zombies, skeletons, and the tall, ominous figures to start pouring in. The exploding freak, which the trio learned to be a creeper, started pouring in the facility from the hole in the ceiling where the energy dome used to be. "HOW THE F*** DID THEY GET UP HERE?!" shouted Samus over the shrieks, moans and screams caused by the monsters and the workers.

"You see, this whole base is underground." shouted Steve over the commotion.

"Well, let's put their corpses underground." declared Master Chief, holding a grenade launcher in one hand and his trusty energy sword in the other. Samus didn't have her arm cannon, so Steve tossed her a mining laser, which strongly resembled an automatic Spartan Laser. Isaac Clarke took out both his Plasma Cutter and a .600 Nitro Express revolver, which could kill an elephant in one well-placed shot.

The door to the mission control room flew open, nearly decapitating Master Chief. "OH CRAP SHOOTSHOOTSHOOTSHOOTSHOOT!" shrieked Steve.

They were all mowed down, primarily because Isaac Clarke had a wicked trigger finger and a "deadeye" aim. Dashing out of the room, they found the facility as a gigantic battlefield. Since firearms were limited, most of the workers went hand-to-hand combat with wrenches, crowbars, and a few swords here and there. So far Steve's colleagues were winning, but each killed undead seemed to be replaced by 3 more.

"Come on." sighed Samus. She ran off, and a minute later, she was back with her arm cannon. She steadily aimed her arm cannon at the surging wave of undead, set her fire mode to "oh crap" and fired.

For a good minute the entire facility was a nexus of flashes, chaos, and blood. When the terror died down, more than half of Steve's employees were completely mauled and blown to smithereens, with the luckier ones pinned to the wall by arrows like paintings. All the monsters' bodies were turned to ashes, which caused a back haze to cloud the facility. There was also a lot of noise pollution; the wails of the workers, grieving over the deaths of their friends. Steve bowed his head in sadness. Only then did Master Chief feel guilty of wanting to get out of there quickly.

"Sir? The portal's ready." one of Steve's workers managed to say between sobs. Steve thanked her, but she ran off with some rope in her hand, tied into a noose. Before they knew what was happening, she was gone.

The portal was glowing brightly with the colors of the rainbow. "Well, it was a good time seeing y'all." shouted the trio to everybody, still recovering.

"Good luck!" yelled back some of the workers as the trio vanished into the portal. But right before closing, the portal enveloped Steve as well, while the workers just gawked and tried to process what had just happened.

Everything was dark.

There was no sound as Steve hit the floor, not being able to see anything. Suddenly, a blue portal seemed to grow out of the void. The portal emitted a glow, which enabled Steve to see around him. He saw Master Chief, Isaac Clarke, and Samus all walking around, clearly terrified. Samus saw Steve, ran over to him, and started talking to him, but no sound came from her. Nobody could hear anything.

Isaac pointed at the blue portal, and after a few seconds of hesitation, they finally jumped in and were immediately blinded. When they opened their eyes, they got the biggest surprise of their life.


	12. A red plumber

Chapter 12

**PLEASE RATE AND REVIEW**

"Well, we are no longer pixelated, so THANK GOD!" exclaimed Isaac, relieved, holding his arms out to the sun, as if he was going to hug it. Steve was still pixelated, though, which he was fine with. But he was blasted back as he heard a sound, a sound that resembled a foghorn, except much louder. A sound so horrifying to him, a sound that meant he was going to get owned. A sound so sudden it meant death to anyone who heard it and saw the yellow beam, the beam that alerted _them._

It was the sound of a red marker.

The source of the Necromorph outbreaks.

In the horizon, he saw 2 glowing red pillars twisting around each other, with 2 pointy tops that were emitting a yellow beam of energy, reaching for the sky. Shortly after, another foghorn sounded and the sky seemed to distort in waves before returning to normal.

In the distance, shrieks were heard.

Suddenly a voice, with a mild Italian accent, shouted "Letsa go!" It scared the crap out of Isaac, and when he turned around, he saw a short man with overall jeans, a red long-sleeved shirt underneath, and a red cap on top with the letter M on it. He had a slight cartoonish appearance.

"Who the h*ll are you?" asked a startled Samus. Steve was running everywhere and screaming with joy. He had never seen so many round objects before.

"Itsa me! Mario!" shouted Mario. He hopped and landed on what seemed like a walking brown mushroom with a face. Master Chief expected its skull to implode, but it instead flopped on its side and turned into a puff of smoke. "Letsa go!" reiterated Mario, who ran off over a hill. The blue portal they came out of turned orange, flew far, far away and stopped at the top of a castle with a lava moat.

The group of 5 ran over the hill, and they saw a sand path cutting through green, rolling hills. The path led to the castle. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a yellow turtle with a red shell popped in front of Master Chief. He instinctively punched a hole in its chest, and the turtle turned into another puff of smoke. The shell, however, flew to Samus and knocked the wind out of her. "What the heck was that?!" shrieked Samus.

"Eet was za Koopa!" explained Mario. He slid down the ledge, taking out some of the brown mushrooms. Steve, Master Chief, Samus, and Isaac Clarke followed. At the bottom of the hill, they came across a walking toadstool with a red and white polka-dotted toadstool cap. It was trying to wrestle another turtle away, this time its shell was green, it had yellow skin, and it had a sledgehammer strapped to its back. The turtle won the conflict, lifting up the innocent being and smacking him away with the sledgehammer.

Mario jumped on his head, dodging the flying sledgehammers that the turtle threw. Steve picked a sledgehammer up, not knowing the true power of it. He was suddenly swinging the sledgehammer around like a chimpanzee on meth, and he smashed the turtle flat. It also turned into a puff of smoke. Steve was still in the smash frenzy, smashing the walking brown mushrooms as he ran by, clearing the path.

A cannon popped from out of nowhere and launched a missile-like projectile... with a face! It seemed like almost everything seemingly inanimate was actually sentient. Mario yelled "Hop-a on!" and grabbed the missile, riding it. Master Chief kind of grabbed on it- he was hit square in the chest, and the missile yelled something about heaven before exploding. When the group got their consciousness back, they were in front of the castle.

"That was convenient." sighed Isaac Clarke. He took out his plasma cutter and shot the chains holding the drawbridge up. It smashed down with a BANG, causing tremors in the ground. A surge of lava from the moat shot up and started burning the bridge. In a hurry, the group crossed the bridge, except for Mario. He landed in the lava, who was strangely laughing.

"Uh..." said Master Chief, dumbfounded. Suddenly Mario leapt up, completely intact. His clothing was now white and red colored. "Is Mario a communist?!"

"No, I am-a fire Mario!" laughed Mario. He held his hand out and a fireball flew from it, accidentally incinerating a nearby creature.

The castle was relatively small, only 2 floors, but the group spent 3 hours getting lost before appearing at the start again. Even worse, some of the Necromorphs managed to find their way in the maze, lengthening their time lost.

"Hey," thought Master Chief, "if we stay on the right hand side of the maze the whole time, we can find the end!" He shared his idea with the group.

1 minute later

"OH BOY!" shouted Steve, obviously frustrated. "THIS WOULD'VE BEEN OVER SOONER IF _SOMEBODY _TOLD US SOONER!"

"Well, I'm sorry, I had just thought of it!" said Master Chief.

"MWA HA HA HA!" cackled a mysterious, monstrous voice.

Mario had a look on his face that only meant one thing: we're screwed.

A 10-foot tall tortoise-monster-dragon thing fell from the ceiling and roared, spraying flames everywhere. Behind the monster, Samus could see a woman in a pink dress, trapped in a cage and wailing "MARIO HELP ME" over and over again.

"I AM BOWSER! MARIO, IF YOU WANT PRINCESS PEACH, YOU'LL HAVE TO GET THROUGH ME!" roared Bowser.

"Already done." sighed Master chief.

Bowser looked at his chest, which was itchy. But his chest was gone. There was only a hole left, and he stared at Master Chief holding a smoking shotgun, the last thing he would ever see. Mario burnt the cage and freed Princess Peach, who rewarded him with a kiss on the cheek. While they were busy, Isaac Clarke busted the access door to the roof open, and the group hopped through the orange portal, waving goodbye to Mario.


	13. New friends, new dangers

Chapter 13

_As a reminder, please drop a review! It seriously helps!_

The group was thrown through vast distances of time and space, passing many alternate universes as they passed. They were finally thrown in a temple with a person wearing a rice-paddy hat, some black robes, and held a lightning bolt. Steve was facing him, and Master Chief, Samus, and Isaac Clarke were standing behind a glass wall, helplessly watching as the strange man started casting lightning from the sky and raining it down on Steve.

"Zeus?!" guessed Steve.

"Close. My name... is Raiden." said Raiden. "It has been many years since a challenger has made a bold and daring attempt to fight me."

"Just let me and my friends go through the frickin' portal." complained Steve. Raiden was blocking the way to the portal.

"You'll have to go through me first. What is your name, challenger?" growled Raiden. He raised his lightning bolt in a defensive stance.

"Ok then. You asked for it." replied Steve. "And by the way, it's Steve." A mysterious voice uttered "FIGHT!" and Raiden immediately started attacking with a volley of punches, all of which the still-pixelated Steve blocked with his fists. Going for Raiden's gut, Steve raised his knee and bought himself some time to execute his combo. When Raiden was bent over in pain, Steve brought his fist up in a powerful uppercut, connecting his fist with Raiden's face. Raiden, enraged, charged forward with a fist that seemed to be charged with electricity. He punched Steve in the face, sending him flying into a pillar that smashed into marble dust.

Steve ran to Raiden who was charging up another lightning fist. The luminous red armor Steve was wearing burst into flames, which actually seemed to boost Steve up. Flames were in his eyes, and when the two punches connected, the room flashed blue and red. Later, the lights disappeared, leaving Steve and Raiden standing, beaten up badly. Although Steve was fine, Raiden was badly concussed, trying to stand still properly. The voice bellowed "FINISH HIM!" and Steve just shattered the glass wall that Isaac Clarke, Master Chief, and Samus were trapped behind, shoved a defeated Raiden out of the way, then hopped into the portal with his friends.

When the group arrived in the new destination, they saw they were in a downtown city. The only problem was that nobody was around. Instead, there was nothing but an eerie silence. The group decided to walk into a nearby building for shelter. While they were getting comfortable, a lone humanoid being shambled down the street, towards the building Steve, Master Chief, Samus, and Isaac were in.

"Will we ever get home?" sobbed Isaac, clutching the picture of his girlfriend for comfort. "We keep ending up in alternate universes, and it will keep going on like this probably FOREVER!"

"Cortana, where are we?" asked Master Chief. He'd almost forgotten about Cortana, but she didn't seem to be replying. Cortana are-"

"Yes, Chief?" said a familiar voice in his helmet. Everybody could hear.

"Who said that?" Steve yelped, alarmed.

"It was Cortana, my AI intelligence that helps guide me and I guess is sort of my acquaintance."

"Nice to meet you, Cortana. I'm Steve."

"Nice to meet you too, Steve. Anyways, Chief, we appear to be in 'City 17', as its past inhabitants called it. And if you were wondering, most the inhabitants were killed by a parasitic species called a _Head Crab_, as they called it." read Cortana from her data source, scared.

"Oh my..." Isaac Clarke plopped down on a chair, "but where are the survivors?

"OMFG GET IT OFF ME!" yelled Samus. A tan, 4-legged animal that resembled a beetle latched itself on Samus's helmet. Isaac brandished a knife and stabbed the Head crab to death.

"That is a head crab?! THEY'RE D**N FRIGHTENING!" shrieked Samus.

A series of moans and screams could be heard in the floors above them. "We need to get out of here, there are some unknown life forms above us." Cortana advised. "Let's get moving!" Master Chief, Samus, Isaac Clarke, and the yet still-pixelated Steve ran out to the street. Master Chief reloaded his shotgun, Samus set her arm cannon to conic dispersal, and Isaac Clarke just decided to use his Plasma Disperser, almost identical to the Plasma Cutter, except that the disperser was more like a plasma shotgun.

The buildings around them were filled with the screeches and moans of the coming unknown. "Cor- Cortana, w-what exactly are w-we g-g-going up aga-against?" stuttered a trembling Isaac Clarke.

"It appears we are going against some reanimated humans, or zombies." said Cortana.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUU-" was all Steve screeched before a _very _long tongue wrapped around his neck, strangling him. Master Chief severed the tongue with his energy sword and tracked down the source of the tongue. When he saw it, he nearly died from horror.

It was a man, early 30s, with gray skin and boils covering a side of his face. His tongue actually branched off to 9 separate tongues. Samus walked up and finished it off with her arm cannon. The biological mistake exploded, leaving a thick plume of smoke. Steve coughed uncontrollably.

"Uh, you shouldn't have done that.." whispered Cortana.

"Why?" coughed Steve.

Suddenly the doors on the high rises near them flew off their hinges, and in 10 seconds they were completely surrounded by zombies.

"That's why."

The horde set in and started attacking Steve and Samus, simply ignoring Isaac and Master Chief. "Well? What are you waiting for?! Let's DO IT!" commanded Isaac, shooting his Plasma Disperser into the crowd. Master Chief sighed and jumped into the nexus of zombies with his energy sword and started swinging.

When the horde starts flooding you, they _literally_start flooding you. They crawl over nook and cranny, take bullet after bullet, and will not stop until you- or they- are dead. This was the case with Samus and Steve. They barely had any room to shoot or swing their weapons around because they were getting suffocated and grabbed in every direction. Master Chief was slashing his way through the undead, but he wasn't anywhere from finished. A car on the other end of the street was sent flying when a massive zombie went charging to them. It was almost like Hulk, except a zombie.

Loading a shell in his shotgun, Master Chief fired a shell in its face. It just kept going. Isaac Clarke yelled "you take care of them for me" and shot a bolt of plasma in its face. It died instantly. The zombies, however, were not. They needed a _miracle _to save Samus and Steve. And guess what happened.

Isaac heard the roar of a 18 wheeler as he was trying to wrestle a zombie away. He looked over the sicko's shoulder and saw what only his 4 year old self could have dreamt of:

A tyrannosaurus rex was driving an 18 wheeler. That's right, he saw it. A motherfreaking t-rex driving an 18 wheeler. The t-rex wasn't very old; it was obvious it was born a few weeks or months ago so it could fit in the truck's cabin perfectly. On the top of the massive truck was a mysterious human covered head to toe in a red asbestos suit, 3 incendiary grenades on its bandolier, a sombrero, and a gas mask with a skull mask over it that had 2 respiratory muzzles on each side. Not even a single centimeter of his-or her- skin could be seen. It was holding what looked like a modified flare gun- it fired a flare that detonated on impact. The t rex roared "GET OUT OF THE WAY!" Master Chief and Isaac Clarke hopped out of the way while the 18 wheeler mowed through the undead freaks.

When all the zombies were finished off by the strange person, it walked over and placed a fire axe with barbed wire on the blade on Master Chief's neck. "It's name is red pyro. It's an it because we don't know its gender. But you're ok. It's friendly." growled the dino. The red pyro put his fire axe in the 18 wheeler and picked up the unconscious Samus and Steve. Placing them in the truck, it tried to say something but its voice was muffled behind the gas mask. "Red pyro said get in the truck." translated the tyrannosaurus rex. "Oh yeah, you can call me the announcer."

"Why the announcer?" Cortana asked.

"I'm the announcer because I am the leader of a group of 19 and soon to be 23 survivors, including me. My job is to advise the survivors of updates during battles and other stuff like that. Guess who the other 4 survivors are."

"Wow, I guess you guys have been able to- oh hey WHAT'S THAT?" shrieked Master Chief.

"Mmmph mmphmmppphhh!" said the red pyro. It grabbed its modified flare gun and shot at the charging figure. It didn't even flinch at the explosion.

"ANTLION GUARD!" roared the announcer. She steered the 18 wheeler out of the way while the red pyro shot at it. The antlion guard resembled the much smaller antlion where Master Chief and Isaac came from. It charged into the side of the 18 wheeler, tipping it over and sending it bulldozing through a 1950s styled diner.

Samus and Steve crawled out of the wreckage and looked around them. "I am dreaming, aren't I." sighed Steve as he pointed a shaky finger to the announcer still clutching the steering wheel. He went to over to help Master Chief, Isaac Clarke, the red pyro, but kept his distance from the announcer.

"Steve, you aren't dreaming." grumbled Isaac as he dusted himself off. "We're not going to be back at home anytime soon, dreaming in our beds or hammocks, because we will be stuck in the stupid multiverse of infinite possibilities." He picked up his plasma disperser and reloaded it. "But the multiverse is going to pay for this. And whoever is behind this, oh they will be wishing they never _existed._"

"H*ll yeah they will," said Master Chief who was holding the new minigun he found, "and they're going to pay with their lives."

Samus just looked around and groaned. "WHY do I always find myself in such a dilemma?"

When the announcer got her bearings back, she looked at Samus and Steve. "Well, you're finally awake." She smiled and held out her claw. "You can call me announcer."

"Eh.. heh heh.. ok..." Steve mumbled to himself nervously as he reached out to shake her claw. But they were rudely interrupted... AGAIN.

A bunch of headcrab zombies surround them. Judging by the way they moved, Master Chief concluded that they were more agile, much more agile, than the standard headcrab zombie they encountered in the earlier swarm.

"And now we're dead." declared Master Chief.

For a few moments, the eerie silence and staring between the two sides was enough to make even Isaac Clarke, the space engineer who was also a brutal Necromorph killing machine, tremble. The sky darkened and lightning struck the announcer, the tallest of the group. She ignored the intense pain.

"MMMPH MMMMMPMMMPHHH MMPHHH!" was all the red pyro could say behind its gas mask. The red pyro got out a flamethrower out of the wreckage, strapped its flare gun to its thigh, and mounted its axe-with-barbed-wire on his... or her... back. "MMPH!"

"...and what does THAT mean?" questioned Cortana.

"It means arm up and RUN! RUNRUNRUN!" snarled the announcer as she took off, leaving the red pyro, Master Chief, Samus, Steve, and Isaac Clarke.

The horde of fast headcrab zombies started to trot towards the 5.

"MMph mmmm mmphhh mphh mphm mph, mmphh mmmmmm mmphhhhhmphhh MMPHHH!" muffled the red pyro as it ran off.

"Ok, that means RUN!" exclaimed Cortana.

The five ran off, with the fast zombies right on their tails. They ran pretty fast, but the agility gave the fast zombies the upper hand. Scaling the walls around them like monkeys, the zombies surrounded the five armed and deadly.

Out of nowhere, some red colored spiked spheres, roughly the size of a baseball, flew north of the group, surrounding the oblivious zombies. In the distance, Isaac Clarke could see a man standing on top of a wrecked car, wearing a black vest with grenades strapped on the sides and a red shirt underneath. He had a white turban on his head with white shutter shades.

The man yelled "KA-BOOOOM!" and pulled out what seemed like a mini grenade launcher and pushed a button on it. One second the horde was there, another it was turned into a messy pile of flesh and organs, splattered all over the walls and floor.

As the figure approached, Steve could get a better look at him. He appeared to be a black-Scottish man who had an eye patch over his left eye. His armaments were a grenade launcher shaped like a pirate ship's cannon, a gun that launched sticky grenades that could be detonated remotely, and a scimitar the length of a machete.

"Uh... thanks?" thanked Isaac.

"Ya welcome, laddie!" cheered the Scotsman. "Ah'm ze Demoman! And this-" the Demoman motioned down the street to another (identical race-wise) demoman, who wore a pirate captain's hat, also with white shutter shades. His weapons were a frying pan and a spiked wooden shield. Easily decapitating a few fast headcrab zombies with his frying pan, he ran over to the group, shouted "Cheers, mate!" and started _drinking out of the frying pan!_Master Chief pulled off his helmet to reveal the sincerest face of utter confusion.

"What on EARTH is he doing?!" exclaimed Master Chief.

"His pan doubles as his scrumpy bottle!" explained the Demoman. "He's Demopan, my twin!"

"Argh, ah'm out of me scrumpy," mumbled the Demopan as he stumbled around swinging his face-indented frying pan, "oh yeah nice ta meet ya laddies.."

"Mmph mmph mph mphh mph!" muffled the red pyro as he pointed down the street.

"What exactly did it say?" questioned Steve.

"Ze red pyro said 'our fort is zis way'!" answered the demopan as he struggled to talk soberly. He led the way to the fort, smashing in zombie faces. "I know ze bloody creatures are dead when zeir face bends around mah frying pan!" stated the demopan as he split open a zombie's face with his frying pan.

The red pyro eventually had to clear the way for the group after the demopan was out cold. Up the road, Steve could point out an obviously artificial desert, with the street and buildings abruptly stopping at a flat border of a 1 by 1 square mile sandbox. The buildings overlapping the desert border were split where the border was- it was as if an idiot with a giant saw cut out a hole in the city and made it into the desert. In the heart of the desert, they could make out two wooden, concrete, and sheet metal forts, red and blue, on both sides of a small river, also artificial, that cut across the desert. Both of the forts and the river were surrounded by 10 foot high electrical chain-link fences topped with electrical barbed wire. Stakes poking outwards from the base, not too far from the fences, had skewered some zombies with some even still alive.

As they neared the base, a red dot appeared on Master Chief's helmet. "Oh crap" mumbled Master Chief before he was knocked back by an anti-material .50 cal sniper round, blacking out instantly. The dot moved to Isaac Clarke's forehead, but his reflexes of a cat allowed Isaac to kinesis the bullet right before it impacted his head, just 1 centimeter away. Right when Isaac was still recovering from the awesomeness of the skill he had just achieved, a rocket slammed into his chest, knocking the wind out of him. Incapacitated, Isaac could make out Samus and Steve getting shot by the anonymous sniper, possibly dead, and the red pyro, demoman and demopan waving at the base, yelling at them to do... _something._That was all Isaac managed to hear before the darkness completely enveloped him.


	14. Rate and Review

Chapter 14

Hurt.

It hurt. A lot.

Isaac's vision finally stopped blurring, and when he woke up he was lying on a hay bale inside what looked like a barn. Surrounding him was strange medical equipment, with one that resembled a jury-rigged fire hose with an underside pistol grip pointing directly at him. It emitted a blue mist that was flowing to Isaac's wounds, which, to his surprise, were slowly disappearing. He shoved the healing devices out of his way and hopped up, but fell back down again due to an extreme pain in his stomach. Looking down, he saw that his abdomen was badly mangled and his stomach and were slightly hanging out. There was still shrapnel from the rocket embedded in it, with a pool of blood coating the hay around him dark red. In pain, Isaac's arm spasmed and smacked the healing equipment. Blue mist spewed out of the broken equipment, lying out of the ground, and the shrapnel flew out of his stomach and his abdomen was back to normal. Even his armor was fully intact!

Slowly standing up again, using a heart rate monitor as a support, he started limping to the right of him, where there was a strange metal door plopped right in the middle of the wall. Approaching it, the door slid up to reveal a white room inside. He could see a wooden cabinet with some personal belongings in them and a white cabinet with an ammo and health sign painted on it, with benches bordering the room.

Suddenly, a click could be heard from behind his head.

With ninja-like reflexes, Isaac slapped the weapon out of the person behind him, but all he could see was a wooden club in his face, studded with nails. He ducked and delivered a powerful uppercut to the person, and he could feel his fist connect with the jaw. He looked up and saw the figure smash through the roof of the barn. A few seconds later, it yelled, in a feminine voice, "MEDIC!"

Isaac swiveled his head around and saw a man wearing the kind of mask that medieval doctors wore during the black plague (the bird mask with the beak), a top hat, and some middle age priest robes. He had blue colored gloves that went up to his elbows and a blue backpack with some machinery and tesla coils embedded in it. Yelling in a strong German accent "OKTOBERFEST!" and wielding a bonesaw with a vial of blue liquid attached to the blade, he swung at Isaac's head with unusual strength. Blocking it with his forearm, Isaac attempted to deliver a non-lethal punch to the side of the head and missed. The medic picked up the minigun-like weapon, aimed it at the hole through the roof, and pulled a handle on the top of the weapon, located above the handle. The blue mist flew out of it and through the hole.

This gave Isaac enough time to find his plasma cutter, tucked away at one of the wooden cabinets. He loaded another plasma battery in, aimed it at the person he uppercutted through the roof, and immediately hesitated.

She was about 17 years old, had aleather varsity jacket with white sleeves, pockets and white and red cuffs and collar, bandages going up to her sleeves, a black skirt knee-length, black hair tied in a ponytail and wore a cap with orange gaming headphones over it.

"And you are..." gasped Isaac.

"Me? I'm the femscout, dumb***!" responded the femscout, then snarled "Catch this!" with an accent that could tell him she was probably from Brooklyn and used her spiked club to hit a glass christmas ornament at Isaac. It broke, with the glass shards badly slashing Isaac's right hand. Luckily, he was left-handed, but unluckily his aim was more inaccurate because he had better accuracy with one hand supporting his wrist. So he tossed his plasma cutter aside, crawled to the wooden cabinets, and took an aluminum baseball bat with blue spray paint on it that read "BONK" right where there was a slight face indentation.

Isaac charged, felt a strange pinch in his chest, and stumbled. Overwhelmed with a sense of sleepiness, he looked at his chest with a syringe poking out of it, injecting a pee-colored liquid in him. Muttering unintelligible words, he dropped off to sleep... _again._

Meanwhile...

Master Chief was having a dream that a necromorph was simultaneously giving him a raspberry on the stomach and mauling it, giving him a sensation of laughter and extreme pain. The dream started to fade away to a white room, staring into the blinding light of a lamp hanging from the wall. Good thing his visor was like a single sunglass lens with a large crack in the middle from the sniper.

He was paralyzed waist-down, so he had to crawl along the floor. He found some brown cabinets, from which he took a cartoonish-looking double barrel sawn off shotgun with a soda can strapped on where the front handle should be.

He could hear the steel door in front of him slide up to reveal the red pyro walking in, holding a light blue and white box with a medicine sign on it. Opening it, it took out a bottle of pills, ran over to Master Chief, and shoved them down his throat. He instantly started to feel much better, but he was still concerned about the others. Grabbing the red pyro by the neck and lifting it up in the air, pointed the shotgun at the pyro's face, and shouted in a menacing voice: "WHERE ARE THEY!"

The red pyro, in between muffled gasps, pointed at a map across the room, directly at the red building across the canal. Putting his helmet back on and rushing out of the room like there was no tomorrow, he came into a white and blue room, with 4 paths: one that led under the base, two that led to the battlements, and one that led to the "intel room". Master Chief went in the door at the left that read "BATTLEMENTS" and came to a balcony with a small sniping bunker in the middle. He looked to his left and saw a base, almost identical to the one he was at (except mirrored), sporting a brown-red wooden look. Looking down, he saw the 5-meter wide canal with a roofed bridge in the middle.

Master Chief immediately dropped down from the balcony and only set one foot on the bridge when he heard Isaac scream in surprise, directly in front of him. He looked up and saw him go flying through the thick jungle wood planks and land in the canal, then come up sputtering and hacking. "Hey, you with the- the funky-lookin' armor!" Master Chief located the source of the call and saw a red christmas glass ornament in his face, shattering to coat his helmet in a glitter-like powder. He stumbled back, shaking the glitter off his head and got an eyefull of his target.

"What- what the heck..." stuttered Master Chief. "Wh-who are y-you-"

"The femscout." answered Isaac Clarke and the femscout at the same time.

"I guess I better run, eh?" spoke Master Chief as the femscout pulled out an auto-shotgun resembling a Tommy Gun.

"I would run if I were you." advised the femscout.

That was all Master Chief needed to make a run for it. He ran to the concrete building, jumped to the balcony, and hid behind a thin sheet of metal. A shredding noise was heard next to him, and his head darted to the left to reveal a cleaver stuck through the metal. Deciding that the water was better cover, he dashed out and joined Isaac Clarke in the crap-infested water.

The femscout aimed her shotgun at the sewage and started firing, but Master Chief was already hiding under the bridge with Isaac Clarke.

"Q n' A: how long does it take to kill 'n idiot?" taunted the femscout.

"On the count of three..." whispered Isaac.

"TIMES UP, YA ALREADY DEAD!" yelled the femscout as she swooped under the bridge, one arm holding the side and the other the shotgun.

"ONETWOTHREE RUN! I MEAN SWIM!" commanded Isaac, but Master Chief was nowhere to be seen. Groaning, he ducked under the water just as she started firing, forcing Isaac to swim to the nearest entrance: a sewage pipe.

Conveniently, the sewage pipe led to a staircase, that in turn led to the white resupply room, where Master Chief was waiting.

"D**n, that's one heck of a femscout.." muttered Master Chief between breaths. "I wonder if she went to Bruce Lee's kick-a** Girl Scout Camp or something

"Totally." agreed Isaac Clarke.

Suddenly, the door exploded and the femscout emerged, blocking the only way out of the resupply room. She pulled out a meat cleaver and tossed it at Isaac, barely brushing past his head.

"Uh oh." Isaac said to himself mentally. The femscout called for someone, and soon there were two people guarding the door.

"So I guess you two are like fraternal twins, huh?" asked Master Chief. The new person was the femscout's brother, called scout; he had a bowling hat with a top hat stacked on top of it with bridgeless and armless, orange tinted sunglasses and earbuds.

"Who da h**l are you guys?" asked the scout. "And NO, we're not twins."

"We will tell you only if you tell us where our... acquaintances are." offered Isaac Clarke. "You bring them in here, we tell you and you can stop beating the crap out of us."

The scout grabbed Steve and shoved him in the room, then Samus.

"Ok, all we'll tell you is that we are not here to kill you or anything-" Master Chief was interrupted by the announcer walking in the resupply room.

"They're friendly. Let them go." commanded the announcer as she grabbed a cup of coffee and slurped it down in one gulp.

"Yes, ma'am." replied femscout. "Ok, everyone, it's safe. They won't kill us." she announced.

A faint "Yee-HAW!" was heard in the distance.

"Ah, looks like de rest of the team is here. Let's go have a little tour, shall we?" asked the femscout and scout. They put their weapons in their lockers to show peace. "Hey, dat's my gun!" scolded the scout as he rudely grabbed the shotgun from Master Chief.

"Well, SOR-RY!" apologized Master Chief sarcastically.

The tour guides led Isaac Clarke, Master Chief, Samus, and Steve through the base. "Right now we are in the RED base." said scout as he walked the group to the balcony and waved to two people working on some machinery.

"Dis guy here, he's the red engineer with his father, the blue engineer, all smarta**es, they proved to have 11 science PHDs EACH." explained the scout as he motioned to the engineers. The red engineer was about 40-50 years old, had a white cowboy hat, cowboy pants, cowboy boots, a red shirt and black overalls, and golden lensed engineer goggles. His father, the blue engineer, had his white hair styled so it looked like someone rubbed a balloon on it, wore black retro-futuristic goggles with gray lenses and a mini tesla coil over the left eyepiece. His right arm ended at a stump with a robotic arm replacing it. "These machines are the sentry gun and the dispenser." The femscout motioned to the sentry gun, sporting two minigun barrels and pivoting on a tripod that could also be aimed up and down. "This is a class two sentry gun. Class one is just the heavy-caliber tripod mounted sentry, much smaller than dis one. The engineer just needs to add one last attachment on to make it class 3..." said the femscout as she motioned to the red engineer, placing a quad missile launcher behind the miniguns.

Then the scout motioned to the other machine, the dispenser. "This device lives up to its name; It generates ammo at the cost of scrap metal and the healing mechanism is basically a bunch of stem cells flying at you-"

"Because the stem cells have the ability to replace damaged tissue, therefore it is basically like a healing device." answered Master Chief.

"Right you are, pally." congratulated the femscout.

Suddenly, the red engineer yelled "SPY SAPPIN MAH SENTRY!" as a gray box riddled with wires and switches appeared on the level 3 sentry. He and his father ran up to it and pulled off the box, and out of nowhere a blue silhouette appeared, revealing a man wearing a blue tuxedo and a blue fedora with a blue balacava exposing only his eyes and mouth, laughing "Your precious toys won't save you now!" with a hint of a French accent in his voice. He flicked a cigarette at the sentry.

Suddenly, the sentry exploded, causing the red engineer to yell "DA**IT". He walked up to the masked man, trying to control himself from throttling the spy, and said to him calmly, in a Texan accent, "Son, I know how much you like sappin' stuff, but you'll have to tell me when you go on another sappin' spree, alright?" The red engineer was clearly pissed.

"With my apologies." apologized the man, before disappearing again.

"What the..." mumbled Samus.

"Dat was the blue spy." grumbled the femscout. "He gave us all a bad time during the wars."

"WARS?" said Steve, appalled.

"Yep. They were the long, hard gravel wars of '70." sighed scout. "That was a few days ago; it's January 9, 1971 now. The war ended when the outbreak commenced, and the admin received news from her boss and the CEO of Mann. Co, the company we reds and 'blu's fought over, told us that all 19 of us were given new jobs; and that was to protect these bases, because they held the motherlode of what the company needed to thrive."

"WAIT A SECOND!" yelled Isaac Clarke. "How can you be in the 1970s... when the cities around us are more modern-looking?"

"Well, we _are_technologically advanced." admitted the blue engineer.

"Considering the place where you fellers came from had a different 1970s. Where did you come from?" asked the red engineer.

"Hey, where's Cortana when we need her?" whispered Steve to Master Chief.

"Oh, sorry, she's sleeping right now." whispered Master Chief back to Steve.

"I'm still awake, you know." spoke Cortana.

"Who said that?!" demanded the femscout.

"It was me, Cortana. I'm basically an artificial intelligence."

"If you know what an artificial intelligence is." Corrected Master Chief.

Suddenly, the red engineer walked up to Master Chief.

"What did you say?"

"I said, I'm Cortana; an artificial intelligence meant to guide Petty Officer Master Chief of the UNSC. Just call him Master Chief."

"So you're Master Chief, eh?" asked the blue engineer.

"Yes, and this is Isaac Clarke, CEC space engineer from Titan Station. Here is Steve, also an engineer, warrior, and miner, and last but not least Samus, the bounty hunter." explained Cortana.

"Yippe ki yay kie yaaa ky yo!" cheered the red engie. "I'm not the only engie on this fort!"

"So d' you guys want to stay or move on?" asked femscout.

"Let's move on." the group agreed.

As they hopped down the balcony, they saw the red spy, also wearing a fedora, balaclava, and tuxedo (except it had a bow), all striped crimson and red. He nodded and said "Gentlemen," also in a French accent, "by any chance, did you see ze blue spy?"

"The blue spy is right _here!_" shouted Steve, pointing right behind the red spy. "He's right behind you..."

"Oh zere you are, blue spy. What did I tell you about sapping the d**n sentries?!" chastised the red spy.

"Don't sap them." groaned the blue spy, obviously getting annoyed.

" I told you already, ze war is over, and zere is nothing left to sap!" In unison, they walked off in opposite directions before disappearing into thin air.

"What th- the f..." stuttered Samus.

"They used some light-bending technology to make it seem like they are invisible." replied Cortana. "It's almost identical to the Covie's cloaking system, except it doesn't allow its user to stay cloaked for long."

"INTRUDER ALERT!" blared the announcer through some loudspeakers mounted on the walls.

"Would ya please elaborate?" shouted femscout. "If all ya say is 'intruder alert', then it ain't gonna do any help."

"7 armed people and the undead have entered 2Fort! Defend the intelligence and _kill them all!_" commanded the announcer menacingly.

"HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT WE MUST PROTECT 2FORT! Here son, take a REAL weapon." A man with a sage green beret, red shirt with a collar and a bandolier with grenades shoved a tan colored rocket launcher into the scout's hands, who shortly collapsed under the sheer weight.

"He's da RED soldier. Your stereotypical midwestern soldier." explained scout as the RED soldier slammed 4 rockets into his orange striped rocket launcher, jumped and shot at his feet simultaneously. Shocked, Samus covered her eyes and everyone else's. "What da h**l is yo problem?" snickered scout. "Look, he ain't dead."

Femscout pointed at the sky, and Samus nearly fainted at the sight. The RED soldier was _still alive,_and was flying over 2Fort, holding an alien-like raygun in one hand and a katana in the other, yelling Zulu war chants and firing his raygun at the same time. Apparently the rocket blast dealt no damage, but the soldier used the momentum from the blast to make a super jump, or a rocket jump as femscout called it. "What is he firing at?" mumbled Isaac Clarke to himself.

"INCOMING!" yelled another soldier, except he had a blue peaked cap covering his eyes and a blue padded snow suit with a grenade bandolier over it. Unlike the RED soldier, he had a crappily made (and home made) rocket launcher made out of metal pipes, duct tape, some metal bands, and an old tank turret mechanism. How good it was, though, is something not even Isaac Clarke, Steve, and the RED and BLU engineers could figure out. He shoved 3 rockets in, and with the pull of a trigger, he launched 3 rockets at the fence, demolishing it. It was a crappy, but at the same time awesome, home made, automatic rocket launcher. Quickly whipping out his shotgun, he fired a few shells at the remains of the fence. Master Chief looked at the destroyed barricade and saw what they were shooting at.

Zombies, hundreds of them, were making a straight beeline for the survivors, some dead with buckshot in their faces. The red soldiers landed on two zombies' heads, crushing them and breaking their fall efficiently while taking on the zombies with the katana. Suddenly, the two engineers announced in unison "ERECTIN' A DISPENSER!" and two dispensers, one red and one blue, started to construct themselves. Then the engies ran back up to the balcony and deployed their sentry guns, efficiently mowing down most of the zombies but got destroyed when an antlion guard smashed into it.

"Y'all about to have a _real bad day!_" grinned the RED engie devilishly as he upholstered a sawn-off shotgun that was glowing red and was surrounded with red bolts of electricity. Each shell he fired exploded when it hit a zombie or antlion guard, caking the walls with blood. The wave of zombies was finished off... for now.

An _incredibly _tall (and slightly fat) man, with a Russian accent, sporting sunglasses, a bandolier with bullets, and a red colored hoodie with white stripes on each sleeve appeared, bellowing "WHO ASKED FOR SUPPORT?!" in a Russian accent. What made him look incredibly intimidating was the fact that the minigun he carried was, when stood on its barrels, was nearly as tall as Steve, who was exactly 1.8 meters tall. His minigun was basically a modified 1861 Gatling Gun with a trigger and grip instead of a cranking handle.

"Don't mess with the heavies. I did that once and had to stay in the resupply room for 5 months." advised femscout. The heavy called out for someone, and soon another heavy, wearing a white t shirt with blue sleeves and (another) bandolier. He was slightly older than the Red Heavy, having a mustache and was nearly bald, which was awkward, considering the fact that the red heavy already lost all his hair, yet he was still younger.

"WHO IS NOT READY TO FIGHT BABIES!" roared the red heavy, tossing a Tommy Gun (minigun version) to the blu heavy. "PUSH!"

The red and blu heavies charged, slamming through some undead and plastering, or more accurately mowing down, the remaining zombies with a hail of lead, effectively clearing a path for the group. "FOR SCOTLAND!" chanted the demoman and demopan as they joined the femscout, scout, soldiers, heavies, Master Chief, Samus, Isaac Clarke, and Steve.

"What exactly do we do now?! We busted a hole in the wall, and we don't have enough ammunition to take all of them out!" shouted Isaac Clarke.

"KILL ZEM ALL!" replied the demopan, slapping a headcrab zombie in the face with his frying pan. It clutched its face in pain while the demoman decapitated it with his katana.

"You heard demoman, men! ATTAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!" commanded the red soldier, but the others were nowhere to be seen. When he looked at the battlefield, he saw them _literally_massacring the zombies, dishing out a storm of rockets, bullets, slashes, smashes, and occasional swearing of pain. The red soldier spotted a blue silhouette appear behind a monstrously augmented zombie about to maul the soldier, pull out a black revolver with an ivory handle, and blow a large hole in its skull with its brains exploding out both ends.

"NOW YOU'RE LYING ON THE COLD HARD GROUND." laughed a French accent. The blu spy smoked a cigarette and flicked it on the corpse, where it burst aflame.

Later...

The red and blue teams finally managed to eliminate out all the undead, and in the process, took the time to get to know each other. Master Chief, Samus, Isaac Clarke and Steve met the BLU Pyro, who had a raven's mask and some dolls of the RED pyro strapped on the bandolier, and used a WW2 type flamethrower, a chrome-plated heat ray pistol, and a fire axe that had a white-hot steel coil instead of a blade, which cleaved AND burned at the same time.

Both of the heavies proved to be mildly friendly, like offering their homemade, delicious sandwiches at lunch time... WHEN NOT IN COMBAT. Even when they were just _barely _provoked, they gave you a look that said _Go away or else you'll regret it._, and if you didn't walk away or apologize, they would beat the living pulp out of you. When in _actual _combat, they would yell something in Russian and blanket the battlefield in minigun fire. At least they still had _some _of their kindness intact. Whenever they saw in injured teammate, they would give them their sandwich to eat. The blu engineer explained that the sandwiches contained stem cells that would replace broken and damaged tissue, therefore making them convenient, edible health replenishers.

Steve, however, didn't want to see the last 4 survivors. He was more interested in something else; _who was the announcer? _She seemed friendly- and mysterious- enough, despite her being a t-rex with a bonnet, but he felt that she was hiding something from Master Chief, Samus, Isaac Clarke, and himself. So later that night, he snuck around the "2Fort" base, looking for the announcer's room. He eventually gave up, and dove into the canal to wash himself. When he was submerged in the water, he saw a steel trapdoor poorly disguised to blend in to the surroundings.

Curiosity controlled Steve's mind, which in turn controlled his body to swim over and open the trapdoor. The very moment he barely opened it, water quickly filled the entrance to the room the trapdoor was covering. As a result, Steve was swept in a concrete room no bigger than an 18 wheeler. He heard a SLAM above him and looked up to see the trapdoor shut and locked. Steve frantically searched the room for a way out and instead found a red button in the wall. He pushed it, and the wall beneath slid away, draining all the water but leaving Steve soaking wet. And freezing cold.

A portion of the wall in front of him slid up, which was big enough for your average, small t-rex. Steve walked through it, hand on his gleaming red sword, and walked into a modern bedroom, with a nightstand, king-sized bed, shower room, refrigerator, and a room simply marked DO NOT ENTER. On the bed was the announcer herself, clutching a ripped-to-shreds pillow. Steve figured it was best not to disturb her.

He found a poorly hidden door underneath a poster that read "SAXTON HALE" in big, crimson letters and had an overly muscled man with a crocodile tooth hat and chest hair shaped into Australia painted on. Steve gingerly tiptoed across the creaking wooden floor, slowly ripped off the poster, walked in the room... and _tripped._The announcer had placed a taut string of cheese wire 2 inches above the floor so anyone unsuspecting got their own red Niagara Falls coming from their noses.

Steve shut his eyes and curled up into a little ball on the floor, awaiting death by the announcer.

But it never came.

He opened his eyes and saw that the announcer wore soundproof headphones and cursed himself for being so unobservant.

The room Steve was in appeared to be the room the announcer kept the red and blu teams updated, with TV monitors encompassing the room, giving the announcer a view of every room and angle that 2Fort could offer. Below the monitors was one desk that curved around the room, riddled with various buttons and 1 microphone in the middle. In one corner of the room, he saw a file cabinet that looked like it was going to explode.

Steve opened the drawers to reveal folders, thousands of them. Strangely enough, all of them were blank pages. He was on the verge of giving up when the corner of his eye spotted a folder titled: PROJECT: GM0D. It was the only folder in the bottom drawer, with papers jammed in. A handful of the papers were mainly spine-chilling records of the victims of "Project Gm0d"; all were animals that were injected with various drugs, experimented on, lobotomized, and even had their brains used to create supercomputers. Included with the folders were pictures of the project's stages, some so gruesome that Steve's eyeballs instinctively rolled to the back of his head so he wouldn't lose his mind.

At the very end of the drawer, Steve saw a separate folder containing logs of the main scientist and the pictures of the tests on the victim. So brutal, so inhumane were the tests that they needed to create a subproject simply dubbed "Hell". What he saw completely flabbergasted him.

2/2/1967

Dr. xxx xxxxx

Project: GM0D- Hell

Project GM0D was a failure. It was so simple; Genetically MODify animals for use in ending the RED and BLU conflict. At first, we were bewildered. Project: GM0D had virtually an _unlimited funding contract that ended 2014 by the Government, unlimited assets, and a huge variety of test subjects to choose from; _it was as if it were a candy store, filled with all sorts of sweets and your overly wealthy parents gave you 100 trillion dollars to spend. 100 trillion dollars, with that we could've taken away America's debt. But instead we spent it on nightmares. The will to create supersoldiers, supersoldiers that were originally your pet dog, your turtle, all augmented beyond realization. The only problem we had were the media; we were flooded with a deluge of interviews, threats and protests, and even the _bloody _Queen herself.

One of our top scientists, Mark Oppenheimer, was assigned to create a colony of microorganisms that could assemble themselves in any pattern and configuration to create any animal. Once he was done with that, he was then to build a nuclear-powered V2 rocket that was supposed to deploy the bacteria and wreck havoc. He agreed and ran off to his office, claiming he had to gather some information on the genetic manipulations. At first we thought he was too immersed in the project; he never came to the cafeteria during the following lunch and dinner breaks. The next morning, one of the engineers found him in his room, sitting down with a rifle between his knees, headless. We have had many similar cases of suicide, with some scientists choosing to end their lives by throwing themselves to one of _them_, specifically a female, juvenile and unnamed Tyrannosaurus Rex we hatched from a fossilized egg from a dinosaur of the same name.

As the number of test subjects, scientists, engineers, and hope dwindled, all we had left was the Tyrannosaurus Rex. Eventually, she became the life of our project; everything about the project revolved around her. She was all that made our jobs matter. In order to convince the Government to keep the contract, we'll try to make her useful enough... for _something_.

-Dr. xxx xxxxx

2/3/1967

Dr. xxx xxxxx

Project: GM0D- Hell

Today will no doubt become the day we have all been waiting for: our team has finally completed the dream of every animal-lover and a handful of genetic engineers: the dream to let an animal speak. For international reasons, we taught it every known language still used by modern people. The process involved xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx into the brain of the Tyrannosaurus Rex. Almost instantly, we were once again deluged with the media, compliments, and Nobel Peace Prizes to each and every one of our staff members, even the _freakin' custodian_for "cleaning up the work environment".

Because of this wondrous miracle (excuse the redundancy), we can now understand how the Tyrannosaurus Rex feels and what it is experiencing. So far, it has said nothing due to the shock of the former tests and loss of her friends she made in this Project. But being the only subject, she now has no friends, no name, and no future. After all, she is only a test subject.

-Dr. xxx xxxxx

2/5/1967

Dr. xxx xxxxx

Project: GM0D- Hell

The test subject has finally conveyed her feelings to us. She called me, the project leader, a xxx-xxx xxxxx-xxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxx and killed one of our scientists trying to restrain her. Other than that, she said nothing. Today we also start the vigorous testing of the various augmentations we granted her; hypersense, the ability to eat/drink human food, extreme strength, and xxxxxxxxx.

-Dr. xxx xxxxx

2/6/1967

Dr. xxx xxxxx

Project: GM0D- Hell

Today we found the subject watching "Toaru Kagaku no Railgun II", a Japanese anime. We didn't make a lot of progress today.

-Dr. xxx xxxxx

2/7/1967

Dr. xxx xxxxx

Project: GM0D- Hell

One of our engineers revealed our true goals to the media, which in turn led to the Government cancelling the contract. I had to shoot him.

-Dr. xxx xxxxx

2/10/1967

Dr. xxx xxxxx

Project: GM0D- Hell

Nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing

-Dr. xxx xxxxx

3/27/1967

Dr. xxx xxxxx

Project: GM0D- Hell [CANCELLED]

Subject escaped subject killed everyone subject is on the loose if anyone is reading this stop please stop who is that behind you oh its her too late you're dead stop stop don't stop

stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop

The logs continued on and on, up to the last date, which was September 2, 1969. Steve was figuratively, and literally, mind-******. He thought that this project would be led by experienced scientists who knew how to PROPERLY format journals, logs, and knew the differences between the metric system and standard system. He expected carefully written, precise in every detail, and spine-chilling logs, not some "diary" that looked like it was written by a 10 year old girl. Included within the terribly written logs were the coordinates for the base:

47.6000° N, 122.1667° W

The base was located in Bellevue, Washington, USA, according to the world map in the announcer's room. Where Steve was, 2Fort, was located somewhere in New Mexico. That meant the announcer ran all the way from Bellevue to Sacramento, down the entire West Coast. Written next to the coordinates was KILL THEM ALL in dark, T-Rex blood. So that was what the announcer was up to, why she kept disappearing. She was plotting to kill them all, and the survivors were her weapons.

But Steve had something else in mind.

He was going to help the Announcer. He was determined to kill whoever gave her Hell on Earth. He ran to the red resupply room, grabbed a rectangular black rocket launcher, a double barreled sawn-off shotgun, and the demoman's katana. And he was going to stop them, no matter what it took.

Before he set off, he went to Samus's, Isaac Clarke's and Master Chief's bedroom, wrote a farewell note, and set off.

He had made his sacrifice.


	15. Rescue in Red and Blue!

Chapter 15

_Did you know Valve, creator of Half-Life, Portal, Team Fortress 2, Counter-Strike, and Left 4 Dead is located in Bellevue, Washington?_

While Master Chief, Samus, Isaac Clarke, Steve and the survivors were stuck in the "multiverse of infinite possibilities and doom", a large, gray object with lights all over it was hulking over the UNSC Savannah, the last reported location of Master Chief. Its shape was one of those recognized all over Earth and her colonies: the shape of a UNSC Reaper-class cruiser, the new prototype ship meant purely for kicking Covenant behinds. The ship was dubbed "Father of Inception", in memory of the "Mother of Intervention". On its right hull were 15 giant skulls painted on, each representing a Covenant supercarrier destroyed.

Onboard, some of its crew were having a terrible time.

"Hey, 1337!" called a female voice from the shower rooms, across the hall.

"Whaba?"

"It's 0600!"

"AW CRAP!" shrieked 1337. He was late for breakfast and his turn in the shower. He kicked the door to his dorm open and made a beeline for the shower room. But it was too late; his colleague, 458, beat him and another crew member to it. However, these weren't just ANY crew members; they were SPARTANS! Like Master Chief, they were clad in MLJONIR MK. VI powered assault armor with the bodysuit. They were the last of their kind; all other Spartans, the IIIs and IVs were not as powerful and had inferior armor, but had larger numbers. They were meant to replace the Spartan IIs. 1337 looked to the Spartan II lying face first in the floor, hands still on the door that had scratch marks all over. His royal blue, MK. V armor made him easily the easiest Spartan to recognize: Michael J. Caboose.

"Alas, poor Yolrick," said 1337 as he bowed his head, "I knew him well."

"Are... you... done..." groaned Caboose, waking up from his ordeal. Spartan-458 was still inside.

"I'm almost done with my shower, maybe in another 2 minutes or so you can go in!" yelled back Spartan-458. "Oh, yeah, I need to do my hair after that. Maybe in 8 minutes!"

"But the THIRST! OH, THE THIRST!" wailed Caboose. "AND THE PISS! OH, THE PISS- oh, look at that shiny, red button! I LOVE BUTTONS!" Caboose seemed to be suddenly full of life, and that wasn't good.

"Caboose, if you touch that button I will throttle-" threatened 1337, but it was too late. Caboose's uncontrollable passion to push every button had taken over. He slammed his fist on the EMERGENCY button near the door, and it slid open to reveal a surprised Spartan-458 still taking a shower. She let out a shriek so loud that the deaf people in the ship had to jam their fingers in their ears.

Spartan-458 wet her towel, twisted it into a whip, and gave the mesmerized Caboose a whip so powerful, the towel ruptured his chest armorpiece, bodysuit and whipped his skin, giving him a nice red welt across his chest. "CABOOSE! YOU PERV-"

"ATTENTION. ALL SPARTAN-IIs PLEASE REPORT TO MISSION DEBRIEFING." blared a voice through the ship's speakers. "NO, NOT YOU, JUN. JUST THE SPARTAN-IIs." 1337 heard a "D***IT" down the hallway. Although Jun was the best sniper in the UNSC, his behavior to a corpse did not.

After doing her hair and makeup then putting on her bodysuit and armor, Spartan-458 stormed rudely out of the shower room. 1337's compassion decided it was best that Caboose went to take the shower before him, even though it meant 1337 losing his favorite time of the morning.

Later...

"Caboose, you should apologize to Nicole."

"She seems rip-your-head-off mad, man." complained Caboose.

"Dude, just apologize. She won't rip your head off or anything."

"Fine."

Caboose casually walked up to Nicole-458.

"I'M SORRY FOR OPENING THE DOOR ON YOU WHEN YOU WERE TAKING A SHOWER AND I PROMISE I WON'T DO IT AGAIN!" blurted out Caboose. Nicole just stared at him.

"I forgive you, Caboose." said Nicole as she hugged him.

"I DID IT, 1337!" shouted Caboose with glee. His unusual behavior made him seem like he was mentally... you know.

"Great! Now let's get to Mission Debriefing!"

10 minutes later...

The door burst open, and a long shadow was cast into the room. The 3 Spartans immediately took their helmets off and saluted.

"Where... are... THEY!" demanded the mysterious figure.

"I-I don't know, sir. M-M-Maybe they are s-still in the mess hall." stuttered 1337.

"Get all of them."

"Even... the Freelancers?"

"ALL of them."

"Yes, sir." said 1337. He walked out of the Mission Debriefing room and headed to the mess hall, with a curious Caboose following.

It was just as he expected: a packed cafeteria, full of Spartans and marines alike, happily scarfing down their breakfast and chatting with others. The other Spartan-IIs were easy to locate; their bright colors stood out against the black, gray, and tan of the marines' battle dress uniforms. They were called a "group of misfits, but when they're in the right hands, they can defeat Noble Team", admitted Lord Hood, except for the Freelancers. They _themselves_were able to defeat Noble Team. Unfortunately, most of them went rogue, mutinied, and killed by the Spartan-IIs. The only remaining Freelancers were Agent Washington, who also went rogue but eventually sided with the UNSC, and Agent Carolina, who went missing.

"And then…" laughed a red-armored Spartan-II in a southern accent, "I ran up to the Federal Army prison guard and played chin music on his chin… with my d*mn bare hands!" the bantering Spartans and marines laughed as soon as they heard this.

"CABOOSE, YOU DINGLEBLASTED **CK!" shouted a floating metal chassis, with the shape of a basketball roughly the same size of said object. "YOU DOWNLOADED A BUNCH OF CRAP IN MY SYSTEM!"

"Well, you're a computer. Just push buttons to fix it! Or do computery things." suggested Caboose.

"NO! I CAN'T! YOU FILLED OUT A BUNCH OF ONLINE SURVEYS, CHANGED MY WEB BROWSER TO SOME ' ', AND VIRUSES! MY GOD, THE VIRUSES!"

"I'm sorry, Caboose, but pushing buttons won't fix the armor." said a Spartan-II in maroon armor. "Church's best bet is to download a good antivirus, not Norton by Symatec, and have it search and destroy the viruses. I can program one for you, Church."

"It's fine, Simmons." grumbled Church.

"Then how do we get the virus out of his system?" asked 1337.

"We'll need to KILL the virus, son!" answered Sarge. "We'll need guns... a LOT of guns, ammunition, and swords. And Grif as bait."

"Oh, SURE! Like MORE GUNS will solve the problem!" joked Simmons as he finished his coffee. "Anyways, what's up, 1337?"

"_He _wants to see us in Mission Debriefing."

The room fell silent.

"Heh heh... HAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Simmons and a pink armored Spartan-II. "I thought you meant _HIM!"_

"No, I'm serious.

The room fell so silent it was the _loudest_silence ever made. Even the air conditioning stopped working.

Slowly, the Spartan IIs stood up and walked to the Mission Debriefing, with the look of fear behind their visors.

At mission debriefing...

"MUST I repeat the IMPORTANCE OF THIS MISSION?!" bellowed the mysterious figure. He directed this statement especially to Caboose.

"M-may you please repeat the mission, sir?" asked Simmons.

The holographic desk in front of them flickered to life, projecting the UNSC Savannah above the table.

"As you all know, Master Chief lost contact with us approximately 5 days ago on THIS SHIP." the mystery man pointed to the wreckage of the Savannah. "His EXACT location at the time we lost contact with him was in the main hangar."

"Sir." said an orange colored Spartan.

"Yes, Spartan Grif?"

"Why did we lose contact with him? And I think I broke my back, so I am unable to proceed with the mission-"

The mystery man evaded Grif's lame excuse to avoid fighting and instead said, "That is your mission, Spartans: to track down Master Chief and _bring him back safely._Sarge, you will be appointed leader of this mission. Make sure CABOOSE doesn't make things go awry. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!"

"SIR, YES SIR!" replied the Spartans, saluting and putting on their helmets.

"Good. Be ready to roll at 1800 hours."

The Spartan IIs left the room. "Hey, what time is it, Nicole?" asked Grif.

Caboose suddenly smiled. "Why, it's ADVENTURE-"

"0900." responded Nicole, cutting off Caboose.

"9 hours to get ready, men and women! Be ready to leave at a moment's notice!" commanded Sarge, the red Spartan.

"You mean 6:00 pm, not at 'any moment'." corrected Simmons.

"You know what I mean.." growled Sarge. He slowly moved his hand to his shotgun on his back.

"Yes, sir, I know what you mean. Just don't shoot me." Simmons rolled his eyes.

9 hours later

"Oh, dear... I shouldn't have eaten that bean taco for breakfast..." moaned Donut, the most affable and the best thrower of the group. He wore pink armor (though he insisted it's lightish-red) and sometimes acted slightly like a female, making him the target of that one occasional gay joke or two.

"You ate the freakin' bean taco AGAIN?! WHY?!" whined a cyan colored Spartan, Tucker. Tucker was the most immature of the Spartans, but over time he matured to the point where he no longer had perverted fantasies and his pick up lines weren't so annoying and frequent as they normally were. He still retained some of his immaturity, however. "Even Church can smell your passing of intestinal gas."

"D**N RIGHT I CAN!" coughed Church. "Ok, we're going soon. So if you want to go on the mission with your equipment, now is the time to do so. My _new _job as your advisor is to, well, advise you. Ok, let's get started, shall we?"

As the team captain and engineer, Sarge took his trusty 8-gauge shotgun, an older Desert Eagle chambered in .50 Action Express rounds, and a red and black pipe wrench for use on hex nuts (yes, I know pipe wrenches are only for adjusting pipes), building and fixing machinery, and even skull-crushing. Simmons, being the team hacker, took his laptop for bypassing security systems, a rocket launcher for bypassing security systems instantly, and 2 submachine guns. Grif, who was the team support, took a Battle Rifle and his Brute Shot: a covenant grenade launcher with a bayonet, and Donut brought his Battle Rifle, a M6D pistol, a 2 gauge shotgun (his broom for cleaning up), and 4 grenades because he had the best throwing arm of the team.. Tucker brought his "sacred" energy sword and his DMR, while Caboose chose an MA5D, his favorite assault rifle of all times. Church was an AI, but his chassis contained a compact Spartan Laser that could be charged and unleashed to release the "red burst of death". 1337 equipped his MA5B ( formerly standard issue UNSC rifle and crappier version of the VK5B that was heavier, incredibly inaccurate, expensive, and only had full-auto but was a beast in close range) and an M6C, known for its "spam-grade" rate of fire and high capacity clip. Last but not least, Nicole, master of close combat, brought a shotgun, two M7 SMGs, 2 "protractor blades", a machete, and a pair of nunchucks.

The BR55 Battle Rifle, or Battle Rifle, was a 36-round rifle that fired only in 3 round bursts and had ungodly accuracy. However, the DMR or Designated Marksman was even _more _accurate, carried 15 bullets, could be fired semi automatic or full-auto, and was as powerful as a .500 Smith and Wesson revolver. However, the faster it was fired, the more its accuracy deteriorated.

"ARE WE READY, MEN?" yelled Sarge, cocking his shotgun.

"Almost, Sarge. I need to bring- THIIIIS- DEVICE- ALONG- WITH- US!" grunted Simmons. He was dragging a modified minigun with a singular square barrel.

Sarge scoffed. "What the Sam h**l is that, Simmons?!"

"This is a door opener that I made." explained Simmons. "I'll show you once we get down there. By the way, has anyone seen the Freelancer Spartan?"

A blurry figure appeared behind Simmons. "SIMMONS, BEHIND YOU!" warned Church. Simmons spun around and socked the figure behind him. It fell on the floor, where it seemed to turn into someone out of thin air. It was none other than one of the Freelancers, Agent Washington in his black and yellow armor.

"Geez, dude, what the f**k was that for?!" scolded Simmons. "You scared me HALF to death!"

"Sorry, I was just testing out this new active camouflage that the UNSC is issuing to us Spartans." apologized Washington.

"Maybe you should stick to your jetpack, you are _really _sick with that thing." suggested Tucker.

"It has BUTTONS! And a super spy flower-squirting thing!" blurted Caboose.

"Yeah, it has buttons, Caboose." Wash groaned. "Why WOULDN'T it have buttons?"

Not long after...

"Here's our Pelican!" Sarge motioned to the Pelican, painted like a great white shark, while a Warthog, a sort of jeep, with a Gauss cannon was mounted on the back.

"That is the **cking ugliest Pelican I have ever laid my eyes on." spat Church.

1337 frowned behind his helmet. "Cheer up, dude. It looks freakin' awesome, like me! Look. EVEN THE COCKPIT IS PAINTED LIKE THE MOUTH!"

"Ok, ladies, file in!" commanded Sarge. The 8 Spartans found their seats in the shark-painted dropship, but Caboose didn't have one.

"Sarge, where do I sit?"

"Why, you're the pilot, son! It has all the buttons you can push, and we marked the ones you need to push, when to push them, and how _long _to push them!" said Sarge while Caboose squealed like a little girl and dashed into the cockpit. There they were, hundreds of buttons and some levers. And he could push _all _of them! He rested his finger on a lever's trigger.

"Wow, look at that explosion!"

"Caboose, what did you do _now?!_" groaned Church. "Did you fire a missile or something?!"

"Actually, that was what I was supposed to do! Look, I blasted the hangar door's generators to smithereens and now we can carry out the mission!"

Church facepalmed. "BUT... NOW EVERYTHING IS BEING SUCKED BY THE VACUUM OF OUTER SPACE! CABOOSE, YOU-"

"Hey, look, we're flying!" The Pelican was whisked into outer space as the Father of Inception's blast shields rolled down to replace the hangar doors.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand now we're dead." Nicole pointed out the window, to the flames engulfing the ship. "Let's hope this Pelican can withstand atmospheric reentry."

"It can't." mumbled Simmons.

"HUH?!" shouted Tucker, jolting awake from his beauty sleep.

"This Pelican doesn't have any heat-resistant tiles on it, as it was never intended for atmospheric reentry, only interplanetary deployment."

"Well, I guess we better enjoy the end of our lives. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" screeched Caboose from the cockpit.

"WAIT! 1337! Do you have your bubble shield?!" shouted Simmons over the commotion.

"YES, WHY?!" they now had to yell over the sound of reentry.

"I CAN MODIFY THE BUBBLE SHIELD MODULE TO ENGULF THE ENTIRE SHIP!"

"HOW?!"

"JUST GIVE ME THE D*MN BUBBLE SHIELD!"

Spartan 1337 chucked his bubble shield to Simmons, who in response opened it with a screwdriver and started jamming it inside. Suddenly, he glanced out the window yelled "OH CRAP!"

"THAT DOESN'T SOUND GOOD!" shouted Caboose from the cockpit.

"WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?!" shrieked Agent Wash.

"LOOK OUT THE WINDOW!" screeched Grif.

1337 looked out the window and saw nothing... nothing but the snowy landscape of Reach. It looked so... so... so PEACEFUL! It looked like someone laid a white blanket over the entire planet... and some body parts as well... he was still marveling at the sight as Sarge yelled "BRACE FOR IMPACT!" and as the poorly piloted Pelican smashed into the wreckage of the Savannah, and as he saw the bodies of his friends being incinerated and/or ripped to shreds. He had no regrets. He didn't regret being abducted by the UNSC at age 5, nor being a Spartan.

"I regret..." murmured 1337 to himself as he neared his end, "that I have but only one life to lose for Earth."


	16. 42

Chapter 16

_1337's quote was inspired by the blazingly similar quote by... some American spy in the American Revolution._

"HEY! WAKE UP! WAKE THE **** UP!"

1337 was nearly dead from trauma.

"I'm... dreaming?" mouthed 1337.

"What? What did you say?!"

"If I am, don't wake me." mumbled 1337.

"NO! YOU'RE NOT DRAMING- I MEAN DREAMING! UP! UP!" commanded Church.

"Whaba."

"You improperly stated a question as a statement, SPARTAN! GET! UP!"

"Jeez, Grammar Nazi Church. Fine!"

1337 slowly got himself back up when he suddenly realized he WAS STILL ALIVE, AND IN ONE PIECE! Everyone was still alive, Nicole, Agent Washington, Caboose, Tucker, Church, Sarge, Grif, Simmons and Donut were all alive! Injured, riled and confused, but alive nevertheless! The Pelican seemed to have landed inside the Frigate, revealing the vast, spooky interior.

"Hello?! Anybody punch outta that wreck?" The voice was clearly civilian from the accent.

"Hey... WHO WAIT WHAT?!" 1337 was in utter shock. "WE'RE ALIVE?"

Simmons looked around and smiled behind his helmet. "Yes, 1337! We ARE ALIVE! Even better, we found the way in to the Savannah. In fact, we _landed _in the Savannah!" He held up the "door opener". "And that means this thing is absolutely useless, except maybe for tunneling.

"Will you just TELL US WHAT IT DOES ALREADY?!" queried Sarge.

"Fine, look." Simmons picked up the door opener, aimed it at the wall, and a red square nearly the size of the wall appeared. He pulled the trigger and the wall fell over. "It's basically a high-powered laser cutter, with an adjustable laser size for blasting through different doors."

"That's- that's going to be_invaluable_for this situation!" admitted Church. "I seriously thought it was going to explode in your face, it looked terrible."

"Don't worry, fellas, we're sending you an extraction team for…. extrication." the civilian voice sounded suspicious as f**k. "Just stay put, and don't do anything stupid."

"HEY, LADY!" yelled Caboose. "WHY ARE YOU SENDING US EXTRACTION?! WE'RE SUPPOSED TO STAY HERE AND INVESTIGATE!"

"Caboose has a point." said Church. "Why are they sending us an extraction team?"

Tucker growled and activated his energy sword.

Donut backed away from Tucker. "Are you okay, Tucker?"

"No, and we won't be. Who ELSE could she be?"

Sarge gripped his shotgun. "MAN UP, LADIES! IT'S ABOUT TO BE MESSY!"

"Wait, who EXACTLY are we fighting?" asked Grif.

"Innies." Tucker pointed to the sky to a jet-black Pelican approaching the Savannah.

"THIS PLACE IS FULL OF MEAN LADIES!" exclaimed Caboose.

"Hey, LADY!" 1337 yelled so loud that his echo reverberated throughout the entire ship. "EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM, I'LL JUST LET ALL YOU INNIES KNOW."

"Yes?" The lady was doing her best to stay calm, knowing what would happen next.

"WE ARE THE GREATEST WARRIORS THAT MANKIND HAS EVER CREATED, AND PROBABLY WILL BE FOREVER. I… AM… SPARTAN!" shouted 1337, and the sun seemed to appear out of nowhere and instantly lit up the gloominess of the planet Reach. The clouds parted around the Savannah as 1337 faced the Pelican, the sun reflecting off his polarized visor.

"1337." finished Spartan 1337. In response, the clouds once again covered the sky, pounding the ground with sleet. Lightning struck the dumbfounded Spartan.

Church sighed and groaned "Dude, you did it wrong.".

"MAN UP LADIES!" commanded Sarge. He cocked his shotgun and aimed it at the Pelican's cockpit. "REMEMBER, SPARTANS DON'T DIE;"

"They're just missing in action." concluded Agent Washington.

"Or wounded in action." added Caboose.

"Well, you gotta admit 'missing in action' sounds more accurate, because if you were listed 'WIA', then your family would search every single hospital looking for you. MIA, then they won't risk their lives trying to find you."

The Insurrectionist Pelican turned around to reveal the back door the troops came out of, except a single heavy machine gun blocked the way. "DIE, MOTHER****ERS!" screeched the Insurrectionist gunner, spamming the machine gun at the spartans.

"TAKE COVER!" commanded Sarge, and instantly the Spartans dove behind the wrecked Pelican they arrived in. "Agent Washington, you brought a Covie Plasma Launcher, correct?"

Agent Washington pulled out his Plasma Launcher: a Covenant artillery device that fired heat-seeking, explosive blobs of plasma. The plasma blobs were actually frozen to prevent the projectiles from homing each other.

"Charge it to 4 shots and fire at that sonofab**ch gunner!" shouted Sarge, returning fire with his shotgun. Agent Washington charged 4 shots and shot it at the Innie Pelican. A scream was heard, then brutal explosions took their place. All that the Spartans heard were the flames from the Pelican wreckage. "All clear?" whispered Sarge.

Church poked his head out from the Pelican wreckage. To his utmost horror, all of the marines were still alive, let alone _scratched._ "They're still alive, Sarge." whispered back Church.

Sarge silently slammed his fist on the floor. "On the count of 3, pop out and let loose." commanded Sarge. "One, two, THREE!"

The Spartans parkoured over the Pelican and immediately lowered their weapons, in complete horror. _Where were the insurrectionists?! _thought Simmons. "Weren't they… *gulp* right… here?!" said Simmons, freaking out. No answer. "Guys?!" Simmons turned around to face the Great White Pelican but found a barrel of a 12-gauge in his face. He looked to the left and saw the rest of his friends, lined up with guns to their heads.

"Boss, look at this!" the innie holding the gun to Simmons's head, to his surprise, was an ODST! They were half-Spartan and half-Marine, with armor slightly similar to that of a Spartan II's, but much weaker. An ODST with black and yellow armor walked over, with a pill symbol on his chest plate. Unlike the other insurrectionists, this ODST was completely decked out. He had two knives, double katanas, and a bandolier with shotgun shells. "We got SPARTANS! Just imagine how much their armor costs-"

"HEY, YOU STOLE WASH'S ARMOR COLORATION!" blurted Sarge. He smacked the ODST holding the rifle to his head out of the way and strangled the black and yellow ODST on the wall. "YOU… STOLE… WASH'S… ARMOR…. COLORS!" he moved his other hand to his helmet to snap the poor sap's neck, but was stopped when 3 other ODSTs held pistols to his head.

"SPARTAN IIs… these are the ONLY Spartan IIs left… am I right?" asked the pill ODST as he walked past the Spartans, observing them.

Tucker looked at the ODST in the eye. "Master Chief will come to kick your arse, mother****er." He spat at the ODST through his helmet.

"Don't forget Doc." added Caboose. "If you forget him, the world will end and he will disappear out of existence because he is forgotten."

"Ah, yes. Master Chief. The _DEMON, _as the Covies called him. BUT… I heard you were sent here to LOOK for him, that means he's not here to save you. However, your armor…" the pill ODST walked up to a silent Nicole, then said "...will save our business."

Church spat at the pill ODST. "In ya dreams, fella." His floating chassis dropped to the floor, and a blurry hologram could be seen entering the pill ODST's helmet, and suddenly he was violently spasming and screaming, as if he was being possessed. Under the influence of Church, he whipped out his shotgun and mowed down all the dumbfounded ODSTs and Insurrectionist marines. Church then exited his helmet while Nicole finished him off with a titanium boot in the fruit. He fainted from the intense pain.

"HORY SHET!" exclaimed Tucker.

"What's the problem, Tucker?" questioned Church.

"Chop off one head…"

Out of nowhere, 9 jet-black Pelicans flew out of nowhere, and surrounded the Spartan-IIs.

"...9 more will take its place." growled 1337 with gritted teeth. "The innie's motto is SO brain-killing."

"Alright, men and ladies!" announced Sarge. "FEAR NOT! THESE UNSC REJECTS ARE LITTLE MORE THAN… um…"

"Great inspiration, Sarge." joked Simmons. "How's this: IF GOD HAD WANTED YOU TO LIVE, HE WOULD HAVE NOT CREATED SPARTANS!" yelled Simmons at the 9 hovering innie Pelicans.

"Excellent job, Simmons!" congratulated Sarge, tossing a grenade at one of the pelicans deploying its troops. "NOW GET INTO COVER!"

The Spartans immediately ran for their lives and hid behind the wrecked Pelican while the innies dished out bullets after bullets after rockets after grenades, not seeming to care about anything else besides them. Grif stuck his head out but was forcefully pulled back into cover when a sniper round grazed his helmet.

"Hey, Sarge, what now?!" yelled Grif. "We're pinned down where they can flank us, and then we're F**KED! LOOK!" He tossed a grenade over the cover but it never made it home as it was riddled with shots. "WE NEED A MIRACLE TO SAVE US!"

It seems as if Grif's prayers were answered. A drop pod, Covenant, smashed through the roof of the Savannah's hull, grabbing the attention of the innies and Spartans. A brief ceasefire was made before both groups went back to the grand bullet exchange.

"MOTHER TRUCKER!" shouted Simmons. "THAT'S AN ELITE DROP POD!"

The door on the drop pod flew off, and smoke pervaded throughout the hangar. After it cleared, a figure, 8 feet tall, emerged. It had silver and gold ornately decorated armor that only made part of his face the only visible part of his skin, dual-wielded two energy swords and a red Plasma Rifle. Perhaps its 4 jaw mandibles was a telltale sign of what exactly it could be.

It was an ELITE.

They were the main fighting force of the Covenant, as well as one of the strongest. They were 7-11 feet tall and much, much stronger, agile, and smarter than normal humans. But it wasn't just any elite…

...it was Thel' Vadam, the Arbiter.

"ARBY!" exclaimed Caboose happily.

The arbiter aimed his red Plasma rifle at the innies and vanished. For the next few seconds, red bursts of energy were appearing out of nowhere, forcing the insurrectionists into cover. The arbiter reappeared out of thin air and continued firing at the innies, who were blindly returning fire from their cover. The Spartans, morale at its peak, hopped out of _their_cover and walked to the Arbiter.

"Arbiter..! What are… you doing here?!" asked Church. "Aren't you supposed to be at Sanghelios, governing your fellow elites?"

"I'm afraid… there is no more Sanghelios." The Arbiter bowed his head, mourning.

"W-what do you mean, there is no Sanghelios?" questioned Nicole, shocked.

The Arbiter glanced at Nicole. "About 5 days ago, a gigantic slipspace rupture appeared in front of our planet. Nobody saw it coming, it just appeared one day, all of a sudden. Luckily, we managed to evacuate all citizens of Sanghelios… but at a _very _great cost."

"Oh… my… gosh…" gasped Nicole. "Do you think that's what caused Master Chief to disappear all of a sudden?!"

"It may be." responded Arbiter. "Although, one thing's for sure; the demon… never dies."

Sarge looked back at the innies, cautiously moving out of their cover. "AW, HAIL NO, SONS! YOU JUST CAME TO THE WROOOOONG NEIGHBORHOOD…" announced Sarge as he pumped his 12-gauge.

"MOTHERFU**ERS!" finished Tucker. He activated his energy sword and charged to the insurrectionists taking cover but was greeted by a hail of bullets, including one to the sternum that broke through his energy shielding. Tucker screamed out in pain and collapsed to the floor. Fearing the same fate, the Spartans rushed back to their cover.

"Aw, dam**t Tucker!" shouted Sarge. "COVER ME!" Nicole tossed an illumination grenade over the wrecked Pelican and shot at the insurrectionists with her dual M7 SMG while Sarge pulled Tucker back behind the Pelican. "TUCKER!" yelled Sarge, slapping Tucker awake. "WAKE UP!"

"Whaba?" mumbled Tucker. "OH HEY WHAT THE H**L HAPPENED?! AM I DEAD?!"

"You would've been if it wasn't for your energy shielding. It's now operating at 42% capacity."

"Great." sighed Tucker. "Now I feel 42% better."

Suddenly, the innies ceased their fire and all was silent.

The sound of a drop pod smashing into the floor pervaded throughout the battle zone, and afterwards leaving a deathly silence.

"I enjoyed 42% of that." said a female voice.

Grif barely stuck his head out of the cover before immediately scrambling back, panting and shuddering uncontrollably. He gulped and slowly reloaded his Brute Shot. "Grif, is anything wrong?" whispered Donut. "You seem-"

"See for yourself." responded Grif, trying not to make any noise.

Donut poked his head out and stumbled back. He was stuttering "It-it's T-T-T-T-T-T-T-"

"I'm sorry, son, you'll have to speak up." murmured Sarge.

"It's Tex." squeaked Donut.

"WHAT?!" 1337's jaw dropped straight to the floor. He looked out the cover himself and saw her; the 8' 11" tall Spartan in jet-black MK. VI armor. "TEX! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"

"Isn't it obvious?" replied Tex. It was then that it dawned on the Spartans:

Tex was working for the Innies.

"We-WEREN'T YOU DEAD? DESTROYED?!" shouted Church.

"I was only 42% destroyed." Tex cracked her knuckles, and the very _sound_oh the cracking knuckles was enough to make even Sarge have a chill down his spine.

"Wait… since she is based off of Allison, and the director only remembered so much about Allison, then… then won't Tex FAIL? Like when she is only millimeters away from her goal, it gets yanked away from her. Literally." reasoned Simmons.

"There's a 42% chance of that happening."

Tucker poked his head out of the cover and shouted to Tex "BI*CH!"

"According to our previous experiences, there is a 42% chance of us winning without getting our a**es kicked, and the rest ends up with us getting owned." said Simmons.

"HEY, TEX!" shouted Sarge. "LET'S SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT WITH YOUR ROBOTIC FACE FILLED WITH BUCKSHOT, 42% TUNGSTEN!" He hopped out and emptied a shell in Tex's face. Much to the Spartans' surprise, Tex merely shrugged it off and charged to the group. Grif, unfortunately, was the first target and he was bodyslammed into the wall. From there, Tex kneed him in the groin, uppercutted him in the face, and roundhouse kicked his crotch, sending him flying into the wall.

Impressed with her new technique, Tex attempted to lift her knee into 1337's balls, but 1337 dodged, lifted up Tex's leg she used to knee, and proceeded to bend it 90 degrees the wrong way. Tex was faster and kicked 1337 in the face with her leg held by 1337. She swung him around by the arms and used his momentum to toss him to a dumbfounded Simmons. That left Tucker, Sarge, Donut, Arbiter, Agent Washington and Nicole still able to fight.

An insurrectionist threw a claymore to Tex, foreseeing that Tucker would use his energy sword to duel Tex. Suddenly, a bright red bold of plasma flew and hit the innie on the face, killing him instantly with a melted face. The Arbiter merely turned and walked back behind the Pelican, joining the other Spartans.

"That is a very dangerous sword." warned the Arbiter. "Do you know how to use it?"

"What? _This_sword?" asked Tucker as he held up his energy sword. "F**k yeah, I know how to use it. Ever heard of swish swish death?"

"LOOK OUT!" shrieked Nicole. Tucker whipped his head around and saw the gleaming claymore in his face. With cat-like reflexes and speed, Tucker dodged Tex's.

"SWISH!" yelled Tucker, and he swung the sword at Tex's head, who blocked it with her claymore. Although Tucker was an experienced swordsman, Tex was 42% more skilled than Tucker. With her pure strength, she actually cut Tucker's energy sword in half with her steel claymore. Tucker's energy sword, made of superheated plasma and energy, exploded in his hands.

The Arbiter sighed and tossed Tucker a black energy sword hilt to Tucker and warned "DON'T LOSE IT." Tucker activated it and 2 bright green blades emerged from the hilt. It was essentially a green energy sword, but what made it special was that it was lighter than the standard energy sword.

"SWISH!" screeched Tucker one again, but his swing took him off balance, allowing Tex to merely kick him out of the way. As she approached a nervous Donut, claymore raised, she heard something behind her.

"DEATH!"

One second her head was there, the next it was rolling on the floor.

Tucker stared at the green energy sword in his hand and tossed it back to the Arbiter. "That's one kick-a** sword you got there, Arby."

"Were it so easy." merely sighed the Arbiter.


	17. Please Rate and Review

Chapter 17

Arbiter's hand motioned to the insurrectionists and saw, to their utmost horror, that a pelican had dropped off 20 Texes. "There's a 42% chance they will all fail."

Donut turned around to see what Arby was pointing at and got an eyefull of his enemy, and was so shocked his face turned pure white. No, not 42% white. It was literally paper-white.

Sarge and Nicole seemed to be the only ones who weren't wetting their pants. Sarge merely gazed at the Texes and scoffed. "You call THIS your worst nightmare?! Ladies, what I'm holding in _my very hands _will make your nightmares so scary that you'll be too scared to _blink_!" Sarge pumped his shotgun and painted an approaching Tex's head full of buckshot. He proceeded to do the same for the others, when suddenly…

...there was a deadly _click_.

Sarge pumped his shotgun again, aimed at the nearest charging Tex, and pulled the trigger again.

_Click!_

The Tex closest to Sarge grabbed his shotgun out of his hands and brought it down on her knee, snapping it in half. She then proceeded to knee him in the gut, punch him upwards on the jaw, and finished him off with a roundhouse kick to the stomach. He went flying back and slammed into the wrecked pelican.

"Sarge, let me show you how it's done." Grif loaded a grenade in his brute shot and fired a shot directly into the Tex's visor, sending billions of robotic parts showering the Spartans. He pumped his fist and shouted "BOO YAH!"

"Stop bragging, dumbnuts." mumbled Sarge.

"Hey, guys…" groaned Nicole. "When is it my turn?"

"Who's stopping you?" smiled Donut. Nicole, master of close combat, slipped on her "protractor blades" as a sign of approval. Her protractor blades were merely protractor-shaped (and sized) blades, with the flat end replaced with a wooden handle and the curved part of the protractor a steel blade. She darted over to the closest Tex and punched it so hard that the Tex split in half, with each part of her body hitting- and killing- another Tex.

"And that," announced Nicole, "is how you hit like a girl."

The last 10 Texes, for some unknown reason, had simply vanished into thin air.

"Where in Sam Hell did they go?! SHOW YOURSELVES!" demanded Sarge, reloading his shotgun with flechette shells. "AGENT WASHINGTON!"

Agent Washington stuck his head out of the wrecked Pelican. "Huh?"

"YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO ALL FREELANCERS!" chastised Sarge. "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE KICKING THE TEXES' A**ES!"

"I'm reloading the friggin' plasma launcher!" said Agent Washington. Sarge shoved a battle rifle into his hands.

"WELL, JUST START SHOOTIN'!"

Agent Washington hesitantly got out from the wrecked Pelican… and was immediately punched in the face by a Tex. Sarge fired a shell at her, causing the Tex's head to be ripped to shreds from the sheer force of the flechettes. "That's how ya do it." smiled Sarge behind his visor. As Sarge helped Washington up, a nearby Tex charged at the two, slammed her fist into her open palm, and punched Sarge so hard he backflipped. She still had a lot of force in her fist, so it crashed into Washington's face, sending him flying into the Arbiter. He roared in anger, grabbed Tex by the fist, ripped it off of her robotic body and slapped her robot head off with her own arm. "2 down, 8 to go." said the Arbiter.

Simmons wasn't faring very well. He fired a rocket at a group of Texes making a beeline straight for him, but one of them caught it in mid-flight and hurled it at Simmon's feet. As he flew in the air, arms flailing and mouth screaming a slew of curse words, a Texas lept up and slammed her fist on his back, sending him flying into the floor. The Tex, still in the air, dodged Sarge's shots and landed on him, took his shotgun, and fired at Simmon's head.

His helmet flew off, revealing his shocked face, and then Texas shot once more, this time blasting the right side of his face off into bloody chunks, excluding his mouth and nose.

Nicole was finishing off the remaining Texes with a shotgun-protractor blade combo, until she heard a loud and grisly _SPLAT _behind her. Nicole turned around and saw Simmons, half his face gone, lying on the floor, possibly dead. The Texas gripped the barrel of the shotgun and proceeded to crush Simmon's skull in with the stock, but suddenly a gigantic hole in her face appeared.

Donut stood behind the Texas, peering through the hole in her head, holding a smoking, break action, 2 gauge shotgun. "THIS," announced Donut in a voice and manner so unlike him, "IS MY BOOM STICK!"

The Arbiter had something special in mind for the rest of the Texes. He picked up the plasma launcher from the KO'd Agent Washington, charged up 5 shots, and unleashed hell on the Texes. The blobs of concentrated plasma latched themselves onto them before exploding into a million pieces.

All of the insurrectionists had retreated back into their Pelicans and had escaped.

Grif was groaning in pain and clutched his groin.

Simmons lay on the floor, twitching.

"REQUESTING MEDICAL SUPPORT! AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!" yelled Nicole into her radio, grabbing the attention of the _Father of Intervention's _crew.

"Medical support is on your way, Nicole." A deafening BOOM was heard, and the screeching of metal and another explosion-like sound was heard. The battlefield was soon covered in smoke. As the smoke cleared, a purple Spartan emerged from the mess, carrying a truckload of medical supplies.

It was Doc.

"Hey guys, anybody ordered takeou-" joked Doc, but nearly died of horror when he saw Simmons on the floor, lying in an expanding pool of blood. Doc turned his head and saw a mourning Arbiter, as well as a weeping Nicole.

"He was a great man." sniffled Church, who could apparently cry despite the fact that he was an AI. "God bless him."

Everyone else was fine, and there were only a few cuts and bruises, but Grif had broken some of his bones in the fighting. Doc decided he would tend to their wounds later, after a few prayers, although one question lingered in Doc's mind. _WHY WAS THE CORPE BLEEDING?_You only bleed if your heart is pumping blood through your body, or if your injury is facing downwards. But Simmons was lying face up, and he was bleeding. And then it hit Doc.

"Corpses do not bleed." whispered Doc, then yelled his statement. "CORPSES DO NOT BLEED!"


	18. The Start of Long Term Survival

Chapter 18

He rushed to the drop pod he arrived in, and pulled out some syringes, tweezers, a bovie pen for cauterizing blood (stopping the bleeding), a blood transfusion bag, and something that appeared to be a prosthetic face. Doc then rushed over to Simmons. First, Doc pulled out the flechettes that mauled his face with the tweezers, then immediately began using the bovie pen to stop the blood gushing out. He then started cleaning the wound to prevent it from getting badly infected, got the blood transfusion bag, attached the tube to a syringe, and injected it in Simmons to help regain the lost blood. The last step involved attaching the prosthetic face on, making Simmons look like he was a cyborg. Luckily, his left eye, nose, and mouth were fine. It was only his right eye and part of his right face that now had a robotic appearance.

Suddenly, Simmons slowly opened his left eye, and at the same time his blue bionic eye flickered to life. "Wha... What happened..." barely murmured Simmons.

Everyone just stared at Simmons, jaws dropped.

"What happened?!" Yelled Simmons, getting up and started scratching his face when he felt the prosthetic eye. "And WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FACE?!"

"Um, it appears as of Texas blew it off with Sarge's shotgun." Said Doc, who was apparently the only person who wasn't utterly shocked. "Don't worry, she's destroyed again," assured Doc. "How are you feeling?"

"Great. Thanks, Doc!" Smiled Simmons and brofisted him. "I am FOREVER indebted to you, and words cannot explain my sheer-"

"Ah, it was nothing." Said Doc.

"NOTHING?!" Church practically yelled. "YOU SAVED HIS FREAKIN' LIFE!"

"Yes, but _pretty much everyone here _got the living crap beat out of them." Doc motioned to the Spartans, most of them bent over and groaning in pain. "I'll treat everyone, and if you're physically- and mentally- fine, feel free to resupply your ammo at my drop pod. I made sure to bring _lots _of knows, maybe they will come back with more Texes."

MEANWHILE…

Isaac Clarke was all alone.

He could see nothing, and all he knew was that he was in a small room.

It was pitch black.

Up ahead, he saw the faint outline of a familiar face.

As he approached the face, he nearly died. It was _Nicole Brennan_, his dead girlfriend. Her eyes were black with red pupils, black veins webbing from her eyes, and grey skin. She opened her mouth and let out a ghastly scream.

Isaac's vision was flashing white, and briefly saw flashes of a mutilated Nicole, ripped to shreds by the Slashers. During the bright flashes, he repeatedly saw the corpse get up and stare at him. Oh gosh, the stare. Her eyes were gouged out and she was terribly mauled by a Slasher. She opened her mouth.

"Why…. Isaac? Why… why did you let me die?"

"Nicole, I'm-I'm so sorry," apologized Isaac, but Nicole suddenly lunged at Isaac, screeching a mortifying scream and ripped his face off in one swift motion.

Isaac jerked awake, screaming like a little girl. Master Chief slowly rose and just stared at Isaac Clarke as if he were mentally unstable, but Samus was still dozing off. "You okay, Isaac?" asked Cortana.

The space engineer's vision was occasionally flashing white, and his face was as pale as it could ever be.

"MEIN GOTT! What eez going on in zheir?!" shouted an obviously German voice outside Master Chief's, Samus's, and Isaac Clarke's bedroom. The door burst open to reveal a tall man with wavy brown hair held together with a blue headband. His face was covered by the plague physician's bird mask, the only feature that Isaac recognized on this weird man. He also wore a coat similar to an army officer's in the American Revolution, except white and featuring coattails.

"Isaac appears to be experiencing severe hallucinations. If this goes on and on, he will eventually be driven to extreme insanity." explained Cortana. "I advise we bind him to a fixed place so he doesn't let his dementia take over."

"Zat will not be necessary, little Fräulein." chuckled the mysterious German man. He got out a device that Isaac remembered through his flashing vision.

"Did he _seriously _just call me a "Fräulein"?!" said Cortana. The German madman chuckled in response and activated his fire hose healing machine. The blue mist emitting blue cross particles emerged from the barrel and flew into Isaac's head. As far as their eyes could see, nothing was happening. The blu Medic, agitated, unholstered awooden crossbow with a metal barrel attached to a canister, and fired it at Isaac's cheek. Almost instantly, he fell back on his bed, asleep.

"His mental condition iz… horrifying." declared the blu Medic. "He was scratching his gottverdammt eyes with hiz unclipped nails." He glanced at Isaac's bleeding face but was interrupted by a certain black, Scottish pan-wielding madman.

"TACO TUESDAY, LADDIES!" bellowed Demopan in victory, then ran off to help himself to some tacos. The aroma came from the bridge between the red and blu bases.

"It's lunchtime ALREADY?!" shouted Master Chief, who was about to drift off to sleep. "DARN!"

"Well, I guess we might have Tacos for brunch." sighed Samus. "I call the shower."

Master Chief simply went back to his comfy bed. "Wake me when you're done."

Soon…

"YEE-HAW! MAKIN' BACON!" cheered the red engineer. He pulled out his stereo and blared Mexican ranchera music through its speakers. Master Chief and Samus were finally met the rest of the mercenaries, blu Pyro, the two Australian snipers, and both German medics. Blu Pyro was like red pyro, except from the pitch of its muffled cries and laughs, everybody could tell blu Pyro was a woman.

Then there were the two snipers. One had black hair brushed back and had a digital red headband tied around his head with two hanging straps at the back of the headband. On his red shirt and black vest were animal skin cloths attached to his shirt's sleeves. He was perhaps the friendliest of the 18, and everybody just called him "Sniper". And then there was the Blu Sniper. It never spoke a word, laughed, coughed, sneezed, its mouth made no noise. It donned a blue hood with a black veil roughly stitched on, a blue skiing coat with crosshair symbols on the sleeves, and a blue, boxy virtual viewfinder that covered his eyes with an opaque, glowing visor. Overall, not one single speck of skin was visible, making it impossible to see if he was even Australian.

"Bacon?!" The Scout walked up to red engineer, puzzled. Today, he wore a headband that pushed the hair out of his eyes and a high-collar track jacket. "Whatcha gonna do, make a friggin' bacon taco?!"

"YeeEEEP!" He put 2 strips of bacon, 1 in each fish taco that red pyro was handing out, and handed it to Scout. "Give one to your sister, too."

The Scout looked at the bacon fish taco and cringed. He approached his sister who was chatting with Demopan, already drunk despite the fact it was midday. She glared at him and asked "What do _you _want?"

Scout looked at the taco in his left hand, shoved it into his sister's hands and ran off, fearing being beaten up. Femscout just resumed her chatting and took a small bite of the bacon fish taco.

"THIS IS THE BEST TACO I HAVE EVER TASTED IN THE WHOLE WIDE ******* UNIVERSE!" screamed Femscout, holding the golden taco in the air and cradling it in her two hands. Relieved, Scout ran over to his friend red soldier, who was now wearing a kabuto with that covered his eyes. The kabuto had a golden maedate that read "MAGGOTS" engraved on it. "Why are you here, son?" asked the agitated Soldier. "I was discussing tactics with the red Heavy."

"Vat is leetle leetle man doing here?" asked red Heavy, enjoying his sandwich-taco abomination.

"Red souja," began Scout, terrified, "what is that noise you hear?" A loud CLATTER rang through 2Fort, and the red engineer muted his stereo and whipped out a futuristic-looking tan shotgun.

"What in sam hell was that?!" cried blu engineer. "SHOW YERSELF!"

There was a ghostly silence, but suddenly two words broke it.

"PROPERTY DAMAGE!" bellowed an overly manly Australian voice. It came from red base, and soon everybody had their eyes on red base. They could hear smashes, breaking glass, and some other things being broken, as if something was running through everything to reach the 18 mercenaries, Master Chief, and Samus.

The entire red base, being made of wood, completely collapsed and leaving wooden planks all over the foundation where red base used to be. Standing over its smoldering ruins was a man who had an 1800s heavy lifter mustache, a crocodile tooth helmet, chest hair shaped into Australia, khaki shorts, and a belt that read "SAXTON HALE".

"B-boss? What are you doin' here?" scoffed the Scout. "I thought y-you were on your daily Grizzly killing spree!"

Saxton Hale turned around and waved his hands to the smoldering ruins, and out emerged 5 humanoid silhouettes. When the smoke cleared and the figures were visible, all the 18 mercenaries immediately pulled out their guns. What was so terrifying about them was something that not even Isaac Clarke could bear.

The first silhouette was a blu engineer that looked like red engineer, only that his mouth was disfigured horribly, enlarged nearly 3 times as big, and was vertical instead of horizontal. The mouth dangled back and forth, dripping blood. The next person… or thing… was a red soldier with a helmet covering his eyes. He had his head tilted back so everybody could see his full face, and boy, did it look creepy. Instead of walking, he slithered on the ground like a snake. Right next to the soldier was a skeleton draped in robes with a pumpkin head carved into an evil, toothy grin.. It carried a gigantic axe with the blade out of proportion. Overall, this nightmare was as tall as Master Chief.

The last two people looked like they came straight out of a gory horror movie. This one had a rough, dark beard that connected to his moustache and sideburns as well as a black, bloodstained slouch hat with a golden cross on the front. He was carrying a bloody claymore in one hand and a "Javelin"- a scoped rocket launcher that fired javelin spears- in the other and looked horrifyingly similar to red Sniper. And finally, the last person was an astronaut, 5 feet and 6 inches tall and carried a monkey wrench the length of his forearm. It was also blood-stained, with some brain chunks on it.

"SAXTON HALE! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY YOU BRING THESE HELLISH CREATURES TO 2FORT!" demanded the blu Engineer. He loaded his tan shotgun, ready for action. "ANSWER OR MY SHOTGUN WILL ANSWER FOR YOU!"

Saxton Hale slowly turned his head to the blu Engineer, who in response fired at his feet. Saxton Hale didn't seem to flinch at all, instead he turned to the claymore-clasping sniper and nodded, then shot his javelin-shooting rocket launcher at the blu Engineer's left shoulder. However, blu Engineer was no baby. Instead, he pulled the spear out of his left shoulder, cringing slightly at the pain. "That's the spirit, blu Engie!" encouraged red soldier while loading his shotgun. "Now, reds, blus, and new people, we will show these freaks what men… and women… we are!"

Everybody nodded in agreement and aimed their weapons at the new enemies and their former boss (Saxton Hale were the mercenaries' boss).

"YOU FAIL, HALE!" taunted a familiar voice. Femscout turned around and was shocked. Standing on the red base's balcony, staring down at Saxton Hale, were Master Chief, Samus, and Isaac Clarke in his Advanced RIG and a brown, shredded cape. Isaac Clarke was holding a double-barreled grenade launcher and unloaded a 40mm grenade in his face. Surprisingly, the spectacular explosion barely scratched him.

Red soldier just sighed and charged with his shotgun. "ATTAAAACK! WE WILL FIGHT LIKE MEN AND MANLY WOMEN!"

And so it began.

Meanwhile…

He was so lucky to have brought his "flying ring of pure, extreme awesomeness" with him. After all, he invented most of the stuff. But it wasn't magic, for he was a Christian. It was merely space-age technology.

As Steve soared over vast distances, he finally approached a hulking dam that matched the coordinates of the ones written in the announcer's diary. The helmet he was wearing zoomed in to scope the land below him, to check for hostiles. He expected much, much less than what he saw.

The dam below and its surrounding buildings were choked with robots bearing horrific similarities to all of the mercenaries he met at 2Fort, and they were armed with shotguns, miniguns, rocket launchers, grenade launchers, sniper rifles, and an assortment of melee weapons. There were also some vehicles as large as giant tractors patrolling some buildings. The vehicles were painted black, had some white writing on them, and looked like rectangular tanks without any weapons on them.

Looking closer, Steve concluded that not all the robots were actually robots. Some were actual armed humans, who bear striking resemblance to the mercenaries at 2Fort, except that they also wore black and… a variety of hats.

Steve sighed and said "Forget this. I'm bored as heck, flying for days!" He tapped a button on his armor's wrist plate, which caused him to glow the same color of his armor, blood red. Soaring straight down, he pulled out his claymore and got ready to attack. He hit the ground at the speed of light and there was a brilliant explosion of red light.

When all the robots and mysterious mercenaries recovered, they saw a strange robot- or human- in heavily decorated, blood red armor. They couldn't tell if it was human or a robot because they couldn't see through all the armor.

Getting up, Steve smiled and raised his 5-foot long red and gold claymore, smiling. The mercenaries and robots raised their arms and weapons in response.

"Anybody order takeout?" joked Steve.

Steve lunged forward and decapitated a robot with a Russian accent and picked up the minigun it was holding. He swung it around, firing as he did so. All of the mercenaries and robots were shredded by the intense power and firerate of the minigun (133 bullets per second). Unfortunately, he ran out of ammo in less than 3 seconds. He heard one of the tanks approaching, and on top of it was a massive man, identical to the red heavy. On the tank, he could get a better view of the letters. They were o.W.n., an acronym for the phrase below, "our world now".

"IT COSTS $400,000 DOLLARS TO FIRE THIS WEAPON FOR 12 SECONDS!" bellowed the o.W.n. heavy. He spun up his massive minigun and unleashed his lead fury on Steve, who ducked behind a building housing a turbine for the dam. The heavy mercilessly fired and fired, keeping Steve at his cover when all of a sudden, he heard a continuous clicking noise, which signified was out of ammo.

In the Savannah…

"Uh, bad news." said Sarah Palmer to Sarge.

"What exactly is the bad news?" Sarge radioed back.

"All of our personnel, including transports, are to ferry civilians out of the infestation of the Lunar Cities. You're basically stranded down there, so you have my deepest apologies."

"Oh, great." mumbled Grif. He reached for his beer can and took a long swig of the drink.

"Sounds like one h**l of an infestation." said Sarge. "What contagion is spreading its pestilence?"

Sarah Palmer didn't reply.

"What's going on there?" asked Simmons.

"..." whispered Sarah Palmer quickly.

"You're going to have to speak up, Palmer." Sarge took off his helmet and turned the volume up on it so everyone could hear the words she muttered.

"The Flood."

As soon as Grif's brain just processed what he heard, he gagged and spewed out all of his beer in shock, accidentally onto Doc's medical equipment. "WHAAAAAT?!"

"Apparently, Master Chief never destroyed the Gravemind. As the Ark exploded, the Gravemind was stranded on a floating piece of debris, and from there he rebuilt his undead army. Unfortunately, we do not know the current location of the Gravemind."

Church's floating metal fell to the ground and his hologram of a white spartan holding a sniper rifle appeared next to Sarge. "This is utter bullsh**."

"Don't worry, Alpha. Sarah Palmer is an experienced commander, and I'm pretty sure this outbreak won't last 30 minutes with an army of SPARTAN-IV's under her command."

"Anyways, I have to go now. Good luck, Blood Gulch Spartans. Over and out."

"WHAT?! NOOOOO!" screamed 1337. "You just… you just killed us…"

"Son," sighed Sarge, "you really need to keep your hopes up. By the way, where did Donut go?"

"HAAALP!" yelped the pink (or light red) colored Spartan, running in circles like a beheaded chicken on meth. His cries for help were muffled by the strange organism latched on his helmet that resembled a stingray, except more grotesque in appearance. Nicole-458 sprinted to Donut in distress and pulled the demented thing off Donut's head but was unfortunately forced to the ground by the sheer power of the monstrous sting ray, with its razor sharp proboscis trying to force its way through her eye and out her cerebral cortex. However, this never happened because Sarge smacked the thing aside with his monkey wrench/skull crushing device and effortlessly brought the wrench's head down on the stingray's head, killing it instantly.

"Geez," remarked Agent Washington, "that wrench is an awesome skull crusher."

"What I'm more concerned about is _that _thing." said Doc. "From what we all know, stingrays do NOT fly, do NOT look like they're infected by the Flood parasite, and DON'T have razor sharp stabbing proboscises. My best guess at what it could probably be is a…"

"A flooded stingray." reasoned Caboose.

Church found out what Caboose was trying to tell everyone and clarified his suggestion for him. "Caboose thinks that this is a stingray infected by the Flood. Since the Flood mutates its infected hosts, it is possible that this stingray was mutilated to fly and have a stabbing proboscis."

"But it can't be the Flood. See, the Flood combat forms all have the barbed tentacles of the infection form sticking out of the victim's chest cavity. There is no sign of an infection form in this body. Also, this looks a little _too _grotesque to be a Flood form." explained Doc.

"Didn't Master Chief describe creatures like this one… before he stopped communicating?" asked Simmons. "He reported killing a stingray-like organism with a proboscis that tried to impale him AND described the coined term for the Floodlike aliens he killed with the two other unknown humans."

"Ok, now we know it's definitely not the Flood." confirmed Grif.

"Doc said that already, dumbnuts." sighed Sarge. "Pay attention." As soon as he finished his sentence, all of the Spartans heard the sound of a ventilation cover smash open a few hundred meters away, causing Nicole-458 to jump in surprise and mutter the f-word. Sarge pumped his shotgun and aimed it in the direction of the sound, and so did the rest of the Spartans. Caboose, however, was just looking at his ammo counter in confusion, which read "ERR" on it.

"Caboose, do you know how to use your assault rifle?" whispered Tucker to Caboose, trying not to make any noise.

"Yes." replied Caboose.

Tucker grabbed Caboose's assault rifle, causing him to remark on Tucker's manners. When he took out the compact 60-round magazine of the gun, he found to his disappointment that Caboose had loaded his assault rifle… with crayons and colored pencils. "THAT'S why your rifle's ammo counter was messed up."

Another ventilation cover was heard being shredded open and Church swore he heard a low growl from behind them. "Uh, guys… I think you're surrounded by them." warned Church in a shaky voice. "And the Flood doesn't growl like that, just so you know." Something slimy covered the holes in the hull of the Savannah, preventing the Spartans and the Arbiter from escaping and adding to the already-high suspense. The Arbiter activated his energy sword and turned on the shoulder light on his armor, then ordered the other Spartans to turn on their helmet lights so they could get a better view of just what the heck was going on. Agent Washington was the first to turn on his light, which shone straight into a faceless, mangled head lunging at him. Three tentacles were trailing out of the neck hole as they wrapped around his neck and strangled him.

Agent Washington ripped the head off his neck and smashed its skull with his Plasma Launcher, sending bits of decayed brain flipping through the air like jell-o and brought his heel down on it to ensure it didn't get back up again. All of a sudden, a UNSC marine, infected by the pestilence with his arms formed into blades of bone and a mutilated appearance unleashed a hellish, animalistic roar and charged, swinging its blades at the innocent Caboose. But merely split seconds away from the blade landing on Caboose's head, Caboose bent down to pick up a shiny penny he found. The infected marine's momentum allowed it to fly and hit the back of the Arbiter, who was wrestling the marine away as it tried to carve a big hole in Arbiter's face. Soon, all of the Spartans and Elite found themselves being slashed, hacked, bitten, shoved, and pulled from every single possible direction. Luckily, none of the infected managed to find a single patch of skin or a bodily opening to transmit the virus, and the MLJONIR MK. VI armor easily resisted the attacks. The Arbiter, however, was in a higher state of danger because some of his face was left unprotected from his bodysuit and armor. Luckily for everyone, Caboose somehow snuck a fire grenade in his armor's compartments, thinking it was orange juice because of the grenade's shape and color. So when one of the infected's blades accidentally hit the grenade of fiery death, the dark hangar was instantly ablaze. In less than 5 minutes seconds, the entire hangar was barren, full of smoke and surprisingly near-intact but still decomposing corpses. The Spartan IIs had fireproof armor and fireproof bodysuits, so the only injuries were minor scratches and the occasional bruise from the crash, mainly due to the strength of the Titanium A in the armor.

Nicole-458 ran up to Caboose and gave him a big hug as her sign of thanks, but everyone else stared at him.

"Caboose… you are freakin' CRA-ZY!" Church suddenly yelled. "You could've cooked us all into crispy nuggets back there!"

"What do you mean," said Simmons, "back there? The fight was right here."

Church's hologram glared angrily at Simmons. "You know what I mean!"

"At least we're alive." said Doc and 1337 at the same time, followed by Tucker asking "Also, why didn't the corpses burn all the way? That doesn't seem right."

"Interesting…" mumbled Doc...

Sarge walked up to Caboose with a ring of somebody else's intestines wrapped loosely around his neck like a necklace and gave Caboose a pat on the back. "Son, you really need to control yourself sometimes. Sometimes you can get a little crazy, and usually your craziness doesn't benefit anybody."

Caboose slowly turned his head to Sarge and said in a shaky voice, "It doesn't?"

"But today," announced Sarge proudly in his southern accent, "you saved all of our bee-hinds! On the behalf of the blood Gulch red team, I would like to thank you!"

"That has gotta be the first time Sarge ever thanked a Blu." sighed Grif, obviously bored.

"I think he's thanked them before." Doc said, pulling the foreign intestines off Sarge's neck. "Ugh, we better get rid of all these body parts. Even though our armor and bodysuits are infection-proof, the Arbiter's mouth and eyes are still exposed to the breakdown of these body parts, and that's not very good." Just as Doc finished his statement, Grif pulled off his helmet and regurgitated his Belgian Waffle breakfast. "We'll need Caboose's fire grenades to properly dispose of them, but first we must move these corpses out of the way."

Tucker trudged knee-deep in blood, intestines, and bodies up to Nicole, who was trying to open the hangar's blast shields covering the windows with the help of Simmons so they could dispose of the bodies. As he approached Nicole, he gasped and wheezed. "Nhh-nhh-nhicholehhhh…." wheezed Tucker. Almost instantly, Nicole rushed to Tucker to pull his helmet off so he could breathe better while supporting him.

"Tucker?!" shrieked Nicole. "TUCKER?! What's going ON?!"

Slowly looking up, Tucker whispered weakly, "Do you have an oxygen tank?"

"W-why? Are you okay? Do you feel nauseous… or lightheaded?"

"Because you TAKE MY BREATH AWAY!" Tucker suddenly responded, grinning.

"That was the worst pick-up line…" visorpalmed Agent Washington, "...of all time."

Nicole facepalmed and rolled her eyes. She unhesitantly dropped him into a decomposing body (with his helmet on, of course) and continued externally hacking the ship's blast door mechanisms with Simmons. As Tucker slouched back to Church and Sarge, Church's hologram lightly shook his head and Sarge lightly put his hand to his face while slowly shaking his head.

"Tucker," said Sarge, "if you're going to use a pick up line, don't pick one from the book Big Nate: In the Zone."

"Your lines suck. Let me show you how it's done." scoffed Church confidently. "I tried this on Tex before. If there's something important, it's that you MUST say it with GUST...O (hey, that kinda rhymed). HEY, NICOLE!" Church successfully got her attention from across the hangar.

"WHAT?" yelled Nicole, annoyed.

Church's AI grinned under his helmet's visor and proceeded with his "infallible line". "ARE YOU FROM OUTER SPACE?"

"NOT REALLY, WH-" asked Nicole, but was shortly cut off by Church.

"'Cause your *** is OUTTA THIS WORLD!" Immediately after Church delivered his line, Nicole walked over to his floating metal chassis and smashed it in two swings of her nunchucks. Church's AI immediately infiltrated Caboose's systems as a place of residence, for if an AI didn't have a system to inhabit, it would advance to the final stage in its life; rampancy.

"You dirtbags can't do anything right." commented Sarge.

Meanwhile, Doc was trying to find Master Chief's last transmission before his disappearance. "Uh, command? Hello? Command? Do you, by any chance, have a recording of Master Chief's last transmissions? Hello? Anybody home? Are you too busy holding back the Flood? Would you like a million dollars? A billion?"

Instead, all Doc got in response were bloodcurdling screams.

"RUN! RUN FO' YA LAYFH!" screeched a marine, and Doc could faintly hear explosions, more screams, and the roars that told you that the Flood was on the ship. _The Flood had infiltrated the UNSC Father of Inception for unknown reasons._

"IS ANYBODY THERE THAT WILL ACTUALLY GIVE ME A REPLY?!" Doc suddenly yelled, something he seldom did. "HEL-LO?! We've got wounded and DYING here! And we-"

"Medic Doc DuFresne, the Father of Inception has been overrun! I repeat, the Infinity-er-_Father of Inception_ has been overrun! Do not attempt, in any way, to try to-AAAAAAARRRGH!" was the reply. The scream of terror and pain was abrupt, followed by what sounded like the tearing of human flesh and an inhumane screech from none other than a Flood Combat form. Doc immediately pulled off his helmet, the only way to stop the transmission, and turned to the group.

Nicole noticed Doc and ran over to him. "Hey, Doc, what's up? Why is your face so pale?"

Doc slowly looked at Nicole, then down at the floor completely covered in human remains and instantly threw up. After 20 seconds, he was bent over and coaching. "T-the Father of Inception has b-b-been taken by th-the F-flood…"

Grif's head darted to Nicole and Doc, then burst out laughing.

"I'm not joking…" wheezed Doc, who was clearly freaking out a little too much.

"H-how the f*** does that e-even happen? Right? I mean, there are so many marines, weapons, Spartans on that ship… how can they- they even g-get in?" stuttered Grif.

Tucker sighed and muttered "Sh** happens."

"Oh, yes…" cackled an evil, but surprisingly low-pitched voice. "stuff _can _happen. You will make us whole, Spartans. You will…"

The Arbiter suddenly activated his energy sword, and the rest of the Spartans (excluding Doc, 1337, Donut, and Caboose) yelped, raised their firearms, and shortly after muttered the f-word after hearing this.

"It's the Gravemind." growled the Arbiter.

"**...MAKE US WHOLE!"**

Meanwhile…

The screen before his eyes flickered and lit up the whole, dark room. It was going through reports of the… interesting line of events that have been happening. As he saw what was unfolding before his eyes, he slouched in his chair and rested his face in his hand.

"I never wanted this."

A mysterious person heard what he just said as he passed by his room in the headquarters building, and entered seeking more information. "Excuse me, boss?"

The person in the chair swiveled around with bloodshot eyes and jabbed a finger angrily at the giant TV monitor. "DO YOU SEE THIS?!" he yelled.

"W-what?" whimpered the worker.

The man in the chair lunged forward and grabbed him in the collar. "DO YOU SEE?! I NEVER WANTED ALL THIS TO HAPPEN!"

"A-actually, sir, all of this was caused by a r-rupture in spacetime-"

"SILENCE!"

The man shambled back to his chair and continued looking at the reports. "Give the order to arm up and be ready for attack."

"W-why-"

"No whys, grunt. Give the order and do nothing else. Be ready for an attack at any time. And if you're wondering who's going to attack us… it's Team-

"-Team Magma?"

"AND Team Aqua. Give the order NOW. We do not have space for wasted time."

"Yes, Giovanni." The person nodded and ran off to alert the others.

Giovanni slowly looked down at the slightly large sleeping cat next to his chair. "Won't you agree….

The tan cat with a red jewel above and between its eyes slowly looked up at him and meowed.

...Persian?"


	19. RvB of Haruhi Suzumiya

Chapter 19

_I think it's pretty obvious to you what's going to happen next… or later… in the story._

_Since this is going to be a pretty long story, I considered publishing this on Amazon. However, there was one issue; the copyrights. I am using characters and games from different companies, and if I use them without their permission, I could get sued. So sadly, this will only be a Fanfiction. I am, however, working on a dracula/vampire AND zombie outbreak in Halo story, which may be able to be published on Amazon._

The serene, cold landscape of Reach.

5 years ago on that very day, the planet Reach was officially declared overrun by the Covenant on August 30, 2552 A.D. As soon as this news reached the colonies of Earth, morale was greatly lost. Reach, the planet where Orbital Drop Shock Troopers and Spartan-IIs were trained, the location of Naval Intelligence Bases and other forts of military importance, as well as many other factors that only added to the pain of losing such a valuable planet. But ever since the end of the human-Covenant war, Reach has remained uncolonized, a forgotten wasteland that read nothing but death and destruction. Looks were indeed deceiving.

A swirling, purple vortex in the gray sky took form, and one lone object flew through. It was an old fighter jet, nearly 500 years old, but it was very reliable. It was an F-14 Tomcat fighter jet, and just as it barely left the vortex, it suddenly closed and everything was back to normal.

"CAN ANYONE READ ME?! HELLO?! I HAVE ONE WOUNDED, NEAR DEAD! PLEASE RESPOND!"

The F-14 was terribly damaged and looked as if it were about to explode. It only held two passengers, as the F-14 could only hold 2 people. In the main pilot seat was one word.

_Desperation._

The man in the pilot seat threw off his pilot helmet and vomited blood all over the controls, clutching the hole in his chest. Obviously, if he was gonna make it, he was gonna have one heck of a story to share, and so was the odd girl in the back going to tell the people of… wherever she came from.

"ANYBODY IN THE SAVANNAH! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!" pleaded the man. Instead, he was greeted with a ghostly silence. Flying straight to the Savannah, the man slumped in the seat and was drooling blood. "I… I…. I-I promised her…" he coughed, turning around to see the girl in the back, millimeters away from the clutches of death itself. "... I promised her we would get out of there safely… but it doesn't matter now…"

He turned around to face the Savannah, being rapidly approached by the F-14 trailing smoke. But only inches away from crashing into its hull, he was greeted by warm arms that smashed through the cockpit and pulled him and the girl up, up through the clouds and into the sky. The arms tightly embraced him and the girl next to him, and eventually they were both in a small white room. There was one giant mirror on one side (which was obviously a one-way window), a table in the middle, and 3 chairs, 2 on one side.

The man and the girl were placed down in the two chairs by the arms, next to each other. To his utter surprise, the room was brightly illuminated for a second. When the light disappeared, there was a man in white robes sitting in the chair across the two. He had a mustache that connected to his beard, which in turn were connected to his sideburns and slightly long hair.

"Welcome." smiled the man in white robes.

"W-who ar-are you?" stuttered the man and discovered he was still wearing his pilot helmet and threw it off. "A-and am I d-d-d-d-dead?"

"I'm afraid so." said the robed person, still smiling. "Ah, my apologies. I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Jesus."

His jaw literally fell to the chest, making his head look like one of those pez candy dispensers. "J-J-Jesus? A-am I going to- is she- is she-"

Jesus merely laughed when he heard this. "Don't worry! She's still alive, just very weak. But I can FIX THAT!" he exclaimed, leaping up from his chair and resting a finger on the girl. Almost instantly, she started breathing normally and the color returned to her skin, but she was still out-cold. "Good as new! Well, kind of… it''s the best I can do. Sorry."

"T-thank you, my lord-"

"I think you deserve another chance." said Jesus, rubbing his chin and observing the two. "Although you didn't seem like one at first, it turns out you are actually a believer, and this young woman was one for a _very _long time!" Jesus laughed. "What do you think?" he asked the mirror.

There was a loud creaking noise, and the man's eyes darted to his feet. The floor had cracks rapidly webbing across, and he instinctively grabbed the girl next to him and prepared to sacrifice his body as her fall-breaker in case they were going to fall from a fatal height. "You _do _have one peculiar name. What was it again…?" Jesus commented to the man. "Ah, it was Soap!"

Soap rolled his eyes and muttered to himself, "I'm going to have one heck of a story."

"See you later! Like in 50 years!" called Jesus, waving to the two. The floor beneath them shattered to dust, and Soap opened his mouth to scream.

But it never left his mouth. Instead, his eyes were closed. When he opened them, he stared straight up into the polarized visor of a purple-armored soldier. Soap could not discern how old it was, if it was a man or woman, what race it was, or even if it was a human because he couldn't look through its black bodysuit and purple, futuristic-looking armor over it that completely covered him. Instinctively, he reached for a bonesaw near him and tackled the purple-armored humanoid and pressed the blade on its neck.

"Whoa, dude, calm down!" cried the purple-armored person. He threw Soap off with ease and snatched the bonesaw away from him. "You took an anti-material sniper rifle bullet in the chest and survived. I think it's best if you rested for a while. Hey, that rhymed!"

Soap lunged up in pain and grabbed his neck. "WHERE… IS… SHE?!" he demanded, squeezing his neck to the point where it could kill a normal human. Obviously, this man either had physical toughness or physical augmentations. Suddenly, he was pinned to the floor by another person, identically armored to the purple dude except this guy's… or girl's armor was forest green. Although Soap was powerful, the person on top of him was so powerful that he couldn't even move his arms and legs an inch.

"I'd stay down if I were you." said the green-armored woman.

"Okay, I don't think that is her-" stated the purple armored guy, but was interrupted by Soap.

"Where… is…. SHE?" Soap reiterated. "She isn't as tall as _her_, nor is she as _old_-"

"Nicole isn't old." said Doc. "She's in her twenties."

Soap sighed in frustration and pain. He was going to be here for a _very _long time. "She's Japanese and is, I don't know… 16 or 17…?"

"OOOOH! Why didn't you say so earlier?!" laughed the purple armored dude. He seemed friendly enough, but he could easily be a "wolf in sheepskin". "She isn't doing very well; loss of blood and a coma makes her seem dead from a distance. I'd say she's barely alive, and she _does _look very odd."

Soap looked at purple in confusion. "What do you mean?"

Purple hoisted him up with tremendous power, and for the first time Soap could see his surroundings. He didn't find himself in a hospital, or even a warm home. Instead, he was in a gargantuan hangar with boxes of supplies, some rusty car engines, various furniture, and some decaying body parts. Standing up felt weird, and he had to use a nearby crate as a support. "She's just around this massive cr- WAUUGH!" shouted purple, tripping over a taut line of cheese wire. He turned around and ripped the cheese wire off the two crates it was mounted on. As they rounded a crate as large as a house (why would you need a crate as large as a house?), the found 2 massive car containers combined together to form a makeshift hospital. Inside was what he assumed a drop pod, with its compartments housing various medical supplies. There were only two stretchers, both were on the floor and the one closest to Soap held the girl he cared about so much, the only thing that made him want to live in the terrible world (or, more accurately, crossing worlds and destruction). His identity was no longer so valuable. After all, all universes were going to merge together and cause complete screw-ups in spacetime continuum, dimensions, and mass genocide and/or suicide of the human race, so what was the point?

"My name…" coughed Soap, some blood in his mouth, "...is John Soap MacTavish. And _this…_" he stumbled over and rested a hand on the girl, "is H-"

"She looks like she's from, like, an anime or something." pointed out a cyan-armored man, sitting on a crate holding a rifle. He did have a point, however. She _did _look like she came straight from an anime, mainly because of how she looked. She had brown shoulder-length hair and an orange ribbon/headband "thingy" in it, a white and blue school uniform along with a blue skirt, and brown knee-length boots. If things couldn't get any crazier, what could possibly happen?

Soap facepalmed and sighed, "YES, did it seriously take you _that _long to figure out something so obvious?" the cyan-armored man nodded, then quickly shook his head. "Are there more of you?" asked Soap.

In less than 30 seconds, 8 other identically-armored people emerged and stared at Soap. They all had rifles, one had a shotgun, and there was a hologram of a white-armored person holding a sniper rifle. One was the woman that Soap encountered earlier. Immediately, Soap grabbed purple's holstered, extremely-powerful looking, shiny magnum and aimed it at each of the armored peeps. "They're friendly, don't worry!" assured purple. "By the way, my name's Frank, but you may call me Doc! And now, my friends will introduce themselves! Come on, guys!"

The shotgun-wielding, red armored person was the first to speak up. "Just call me Sarge, I'm the team's leader and mechanic/engineer. Nice to have you, Soap!" said Sarge in his well-known southern accent.

Next to introduce themselves was a blue-armored person, and his helmet looked slightly different from the others. "I AM MICHAEL CABOOSE! I HATE BABIES!" Caboose happily announced. "AND EPSILON IS MY FRIEND!" Caboose said, pointing to the hologram.

"I'm Leonard, but call me Church. Or Epsilon. Or Alpha." said the hologram.

"TUCKER!" called the cyan-colored man on the crate.

A pink colored man said ecstatically, "My name is Franklin Donut, it's a pleasure to meet you! My armor is lightish red, NOT pink."

A maroon and crimson colored person approached Soap and held his hand out. "The name's Simmons. Nice to meet you, Soap." Simmons greeted as he shook his hand.

"Grif." sighed the orange-colored man.

"I'm SPARTAN 1337, the best Spartan there ever was!" proudly shouted the sage-colored man as he took on a heroic pose. "And the lady next to me is NICOLE! Don't worry, we're all friendly and the worst we can do is insult you." Soap looked at the armored band of friends and something inside him told him that he was truly safe. His gut was always a reliable source, as if it were Alexander the Great; his gut never failed him, in any way.

"H-how is she doing?" coughed Soap, and everyone could see blood trailing out of his mouth. Doc immediately supported him and led him to the other stretcher, then injected a viscous liquid in him. He immediately became drowsy, but before he fell asleep from the drug, Doc said something to him about…

...something about internal hemorrhaging.

Literally 3 days later…

Soap felt like someone had stapled him in the stomach. When he lifted his head up to look at his tummy, he saw that there was a long incision along his stomach and surgical staples were littered along the incision to keep it shut. Doc walked into the container, helmetless drinking orange juice, and spewed it all over the wall Soap MacTavish was facing. "Hey, Soap! Sorry about the mess. I didn't expect you to wake up so-"

"What happened?" asked Soap.

Doc answered, "You were suffering from intestinal hemorrhaging, or you had internal bleeding. I cauterized the wounds and now all you need to do is rest-"

"IT HURTS LIKE H*LL!" shouted Soap, wincing in pain. "YOU DIDN'T HAVE, LIKE, ANY SUTURES-"

"Konichiwa, Johnny-san." said a weak voice to the right of Soap, who turned around and nearly fainted.

The girl had awoken from her coma.

"H H Haruhi-Chan?" stuttered Soap, in disbelief. Doc, who was taking another swig of his orange juice, choked on it and it snorted out of his nose, who was in shock of a miracle taking place. "Are you ok?"

She abruptly answered "Hai."

Doc was fumbling with his helmet's automatic translator since he could not understand a single thing Haruhi-"Chan" was saying. Normally, the helmet would work automatically, but this time it wasn't working at all. He tapped madly on the helmet's controls embedded in the wrist plate, tried using his helmet's digital Japanese to English (and vise versa) dictionary, and even tried putting it on backwards.

"Uh, Doc... WHAT are you doing?" Soap asked cautiously.

His reply was "I'm trying to make my helmet's built in universal translator to work." After hearing this, Soap facepalmed and lightly laughed.

"You know, Haruhi-Chan can speak English, too. I'm just talking to her in Japanese to improve my Japanese skills."

"Why didn't you tell me earlier? Now I just made myself look like an idiot, Caboose-level." sighed Doc.

"W-Where are we, Johnny-San?" questioned Haruhi-Chan. "And how did we end up here?"

Doc walked over and sat down in a chair, next to Haruhi. "Well, for starters," began Doc, " 5 days ago a spacetime bubble in the form of a swirling vortex appeared a few miles from this ship. We expected the worst to come out of it; but no, your F-14 was the only thing that made it through. Soapy here must've thought that this was a ship simply landing for supply pickup, but the truth is that this ship crashed here 5 years ago on this very day. We-"

"Wait, who's we?" asked Haruhi, immediately sitting up from her stretcher and looking around frantically.

"I'll get to that later." Doc assured. "When you crashed, the two of you must've been knocked out cold in the crash. I don't know how, but you should be dead right now. We all saw it explode as it smashed through the hull. Nobody should've been able to survive that, yet here you are with the only wounds from guns and some stabs from knives. What I also don't understand is how Soap took a sniper rifle bullet to the chest and survived, and also how you, Haruhi, survived a shotgun at close range."

"I... I got shot?" whimpered Haruhi, looking down at her school uniform and finding that it was littered with a profusion of tiny holes and some bloodstains.

"And now here you are, almost ready to go." finished Doc, putting his helmet on. "Either both of you are really tough or just extremely lucky. I think you're good to go, since you seem ok now!" Just after hearing this, Haruhi smiled and Doc pulled her up, then she walked over to Soap to help him up.

"What's your name?" Haruhi asked sweetly to Doc, her big brown eyes looking straight through Doc's polarized visor. "Mine is Haruh Suzumiya, I'm 16 and a half years old!"

"Uh, Dufresne. Frank Dufrense, but you may call me Doc. I am 32 years old." responded Doc.

"Nice to meet you, Dufresne Frank Dufresne." teased Haruhi. "I'll just call you Franky-San (I know, it's supposed to be "Frankie", which is supposed to be a girl name [I just added a y so it fit with the -San suffix.]). Thank you for healing Johnny-San and me." thanked Haruhi, walking off with Soap to meet the others.

"FRANKY-SAN?" thought Doc to himself in confusion.

Meanwhile...

Church, Caboose, Tucker, Simmons, Grif, Donut, 1337, and Nicole were listening to Sarge as he assigned orders to each of them. The hangar they were in was successfully cleared of all the bodies, but it needed fortification, food, water, supplies, electricity, and some furniture to "liven up the area". The hangar's entry doors, not the main one where planes entered, were flimsy when it came to the unidentified pestilence, so Simmons and Grif were assigned to scavenge for possible barricades to block the doors. For gathering supplies, Tucker, Church, and 1337 were chosen to scout for them, since the Savannah was stocked with food and water that could last for up to 30 years without being spoiled and contaminated. Combine this with the fact that Church was an AI and could scout the Savannah for supplies with ease, they could stock the fortified hangar with ease. However, they were still mssing one more important factor for their longlivety. Every good leader knew what it was, and they were especially needing it for the kind of situation the multiverses were in.

Morale. Sarge was a great leader, and he knew that in order to keep his Spartans under his command from going insane due to boredom. Insanity could be expressed in words, or violence. Sarge was worried most about violence, so therefore he gave Caboose and Nicole the role of searching for cartoons, books, comics, DVD players, computers, manga, anime, board games, or anything that could keep the group entertained.

"Ok, Sarge pointed out the library in this ship, which is conveniently on the floor above us. Caboose, only grab as many books or DVDs as you can carry so you still have a free arm to shoot, and STAY IN MY SIGHT. I'll get the DVD players and the smallest possible TV I can find. Do you understand?" asked Nicole.

"Yes." assured Caboose. "I understand."

"Let's go, then!" shouted Nicole ecstatically, kicking the door in front of them off its hinges. "We'll take the elevat-"

There it was, a freaking decomposing body smack-dab outside the door in the Savannah's barren hallways. It was hanging by its neck, and its own intestines were tied to form a noose. Its face was peeled off to reveal maggots writhing out of its eye sockets and nostrils. In fact, the entire decomposed body was a maggot motel. "Why is there rice on it?" retorted Caboose, innocent as ever. Nicole ignored him and kicked the body out of the way and cursed in Japanese. Nicole looked down the hallway trying to find the elevator but instead saw Simmons and Grif literally running for their lives, and to their horror they were being trailed by a dozen of the Floodlike monsters. But for an unknown reason, the lights in the hallway were turning on as Simmons and Grif ran past them.

"RUUUUUN!" screeched Simmons, who darted in the hangar. Grif was next, and they slammed the door shut as one of the creatures poked their head through the crevice. Caboose forcefully slammed it on its head, and the top of its head was severed, leaving the body outside and the skull inside the hangar. Grif ripped his helmet off and threw up for 10 seconds straight, covering the floor in vomit.

"Where are the barricades?" asked Nicole, observing Simmons and Grif for anything they could use to block the doors.

"WHY doesn't Sarge just open those freakin' crates and see what's inside them? They could have EVERYTHING we need inside! Heavy machinery to cover the doors! Miso Ramen! WATER! Plasma screen TVs! BOOKS!" complained Grif. "Heck, let's open them now! SARGE! DO YOU HAVE A CROWBAR-"

A crowbar struck Grif in the head, knocking him out cold. "Y' WANT A CROWBAR, DIRTBAG?!" called Sarge. "Y' GOT ONE! IN TH' NOGGIN!" Simmons picked up the crowbar and walked to the nearest crate. It was as tall as Simmons himself, but as wide as a bathtub. Wondering what could be inside, Simmons swung with all his might and created a giant hole in the crate. As he pulled the wood away with the hooked end of the crowbar, he saw what _really _was inside.

Its bladed arms shot out of the hole in the crate and started strangling Simmons. He got the crowbar and shoved the sharp end through its eye, but it STILL KEPT CHOKING HIM! "Ak... ach... HAALP! Ack..." was all that Simmons managed to choke out. Yet nobody came to help him. Sarge was too busy repairing something, and Nicole was too busy moving gargantuan crates in front of the hangar's doors (again, not the giant door that ships use to enter).

Somehow, over the loud drilling and noise of a hammer striking metal, Haruhi's head suddenly appeared from behind a crate and she stared right into Simmon's visor as he held out his hand in distress. Haruhi sprinted over and pulled Simmons away from the arms with her unusually powerful arms. When he was free, she unholstered his pistol and unloaded the whole clip in its arms, killing it. How she could shoot Simmon's pistol one-handed was a mystery for him, since the recoil of it was like somebody kicking you in the hands when they were outstretched. She handed the pistol back to him, smiling. "What's your name?"

"Simmons. T-thank you-"

"You're welcome, Simmons-San. See you soon!" said Haruhi as she happily skipped away.

"CABOOSE!" yelled Simmons.

"Howdy, Simmons! Watcha doin'?" called Caboose.

How was he going to say this...? "Uh, Caboose, may you pl-AUUGH!" cried Simmons as something pulled him behind the crate. But it wasn't one of the infected. It was...

"Ohai, Simmons-San! Sorry for startling you, but I need your help with something." Simmons removed his hands from his visor to confirm who was talking to him, and he stared straight up into her mesmerizing eyes.

"H-Haruhi-Chan, you scared the living daylights out of my crap... I-I mean you scared the living c-c-crap outta my daylights..." Simmons trembled.

"Please forgive me, Simmons! I just wanted your opinion on how this looked on me! Don't I look very-" Haruhi boasted.

"HEY, SIMMONS, WHAT'S GOING ON?!" Church yelled, overhearing the commotion. "WHAT ARE YO-OH MY G*D"

Haruhi was donning a hybrid of the Hayabusa and Wetwork MLJONIR Mk. VI armor with a white, blue, and orange design. Underneath the armor was a gray bodysuit. "How do I look?" Haruhi smiled.

Tucker happened to be walking past and froze in his tracks. "IT LOOKS PERFECT!" he agreed.

"Ok, thanks for your"

"Haruhi-Chan, I think it looks a little too tight on you." said Simmons, who got an unfriendly stare from Tucker. "Also, WHERE DID YOU FIND THIS, and HOW DID YOU PUT IT ON?!" The armor Spartans wore, MLJONIR powered assault armor, required the user to have physical and mental augmentations in order to have full access to the armor. If you didn't have the physical augmentations necessary, the armor would be too cumbersome for you to move around, immobilizing you. But the mental augmentations were the most vital. IF you didn't get the mental enhancements, the armor's mainframe and AI would be too much for you, since the armor's computer and the AI ran on the most powerful processor around, the brain. And the mental augments help your brain take almost all of the burden of the AI and armor's computer. Severe hemmorhaging would be the consequences for a normal brain simply because it would be too much for a normal brain to handle.

The instant Haruhi put on her helmet, she would die.

"And the best part of it is the helmet!" as soon as Simmons heard this, he froze in sheer terror. Haruhi rounded the corner (with a bodysuit not as tight as before), clutching her hybrid Hayabusa and Wetwork helmet, giving it possible the coolest looking design Simmons had ever seen. In his life. But be had to stop her from putting the helmet on.

It was too late. She slipped her helmet on with the visor deactivated.

Through the hole where the visor should be, Simmons could see blood slowly flowing out of her eyes and nose.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Simmons, running forwards. When he grabbed her helmet to throw it off, the entire hangar exploded in a flash of white light, the kind of explosion you'd get from a flashbang. Everyone was shouting and yelling in confusion, including the infected clawing relentlessly and uselessly at the barricaded doors. The light subsided after 10 seconds, leaving Haruhi on the floor, still with her armor on. Somehow, her armor looked like it was from an anime as well. Simmons pulled her helmet off to reveal... Haruhi smiling?

"That... was... AWESOME!" Haruhi happily shouted, hugging Simmons. "Simon, did you really think I was dead?"

Simmons was speechless. Haruhi was one crazy-arse (or brave) teen who wasn't afraind to take risks. If she could survive wearing the armor, either she somehow got them or she didn't need them, meaning she was smart and physically fir enough to wear it without any problems. But how did she find armor that could fit her, and how exactly did she put it on? Normally you'd need a machine to put the armor on for you, and the armor could only fit people between 6 and 8 feet high. Haruhi was only about 5 and a half feet tall.

"HOLY CRAP! Guys, come check out what Sarge made!" Tucker called. "Hurry, he's about to test it out!"

In less than 1 minute, everyone was crowded around Sarge, who was leaning on something covered by a giant tarp. "Ok, whatever this is had BETTER be worth falling flat on my face because I tripped on a cheese wire. By the way, who the H**L IS SETTING UP THE F**KING CHEESE WIRE?!" complained Grif.

Sarge ignored Grif's comments and went on. "Good day, everyone! I brought all of you here so I could show all of you a lil' somethin' I made! Behold, the AUTO-AUGMENTER!" he announced, pulling away the tarp and revealing a jury-rigged cryo tube with some machinery attached to it. "The AUTO-AUGMENTER lives up to its name; it automatically augments anybody of any size, race, age, and skin color without having to do surgeries! Soap, would you like to be the second guest?"

"Second?" Soap asked. Sarge threw him in the cryo tube and slammed its door shut, and immediately it started whirring, followed by the machinery being activated and the cryo tube shaking madly. Screams were faintly heard from inside.

"Righto!" Sarge happily announced. "Haruhi-Chan was the first volunteer to test it out, and I'll have to say it worked BEAUTIFULLY!"

The door to the cryo tube flew off its hinges and the machinery turned off. A white mist was pouring out of the tube, and out stumbled Soap in a black bodysuit. "Ok, what the FUUUUUUUUUUUUU-" shrieked Soap, but a robotic arm shot out from the tube and slapped a black and red MLJONIR Recon variant chest armorpiece, knocking the wind out of him. From there, other pieces of armor automatically folded out of the chestplate and attached themselves to Soap's arms, legs, and other unprotected parts. Finally, the chestplate completely unfolded to reveal a finale armorpiece unfolded, the helmet. It flew on his face and took form, covering his head as the visor activated. The end result was black Recon-variant armor with a red design and an emerald green visor.

Soap bent over and clutched his stomach in pain. "Ow..." he groaned, panting madly. His visor deactivated, and like Haruhi, his eye sockets started pouring blood out shortly after blood exploded out of his nostrils. He slowly slumped over.

"Uh, i-i-is he dead?" 1337 stuttered, trembling like an earthquake. All of a sudden, Soap coughed violently and slowly stood up, looking at Sarge and the others.

"Crazy-a*sed mofos." mumbled Soap.


	20. 2Fort Terror

Chapter 20

Earlier...

"YEAAAH! EAT HOT LEAD-ER- GRENADES, DRUNKARDS!" Isaac taunted, unloading all 4 grenades into Saxton Hale as he approached Femscout. He didn't even get a SINGLE SCRATCH from the sheer power of the 40mm grenades, he just kept slowly walking to Femscout and her inevitable doom. Or so he thought. Hoisting up the grill, Femscout threw it with both arms at Saxton Hale so hard that it broke in half when it hit his face.

"HAVE AT THEM LADS!" cheered Demoman, who had a black Crusaders-era helmet worn by the Christians, black spiked shoulderguards, a black armorpiece for his chest, a shield-gauntlet on his left arm, and a claymore in his right hand. The Astronaut charged to Demoman, but was forced back when Demoman charged into him and slashed at his visor, shattering it to reveal the Astronaut's face; only two black and red eyes and a horrid mouth full of rows of sharp teeth were visible; the rest of his face was covered by shadows. "Bloody hell!" came Demoman's reply.

Meanwhile, the red Sniper was fumbling for his backup SMG as the sniper with the bloody claymore approached. He found it holstered on his back and sprayed all 25 .45 ACP rounds in his face, but most of them bounced off. Only one made it in his mouth, which he spat out after chewing it. "Time for a little hand-to-hand, eh mate?" he snickered, smiling. Red Sniper picked up his kukri but immediately dodged out of the way as the sniper swung his claymore and obliterated the table that Red Sniper was in front of. "Christian Brutal Sniper, eh? Ya the bloke th' butchers people, ya drunkard?" Christian Brutal Sniper bent his head down, smiling evilly then swung his sword at Red Sniper's right elbow, cleaving it right off. The Blu Medic heard Red Sniper's scream and focused his medigun's beam on Red Sniper, miraculously regenerating his right forearm. "Ya crazy cleavin' cupicustard! I'm gonna piss on ya corpse for that, you well-watered w**ker!"

"Ach, Red Sniper," snapped Blu Medic, "shtop your insults and keel him."

The Red Heavy was engaged in hand to hand combat with the creepy-faced soldier, and so far Read Heavy was winning. "LITTLE, LITTLE MAN!" laughed Red Heavy, taunting him. All of a sudden, the soldier bit into Red Heavy's left hand and tore it off, and said menacingly through Red Heavy's roars of pain,

"I am Painis Cupcake."

The Red Heavy's eyes showed nothing but horror.

"I will eat you."

Punching him out of the way and into a wall, Red Heavy limped over to the Blu Medic and called "DOCTOR!"

"Ya!" responded the Blu Heavy, who was shooting his crossbow at Saxton Hale.

"Charge me!"

The Blu Medic aimed and activated his medigun at Red Heavy and his left hand grew back. He picked up his giant minigun and spinned the barrels, unleashing the metal storm into Saxton Hale. The stopping power of the bullets pushed him back, but he overcame it and slowly walked to the Red Heavy.

"Oh crap." muttered Samus under her breath. The pumpkin headed monster was running around with his axe attempting to decapitate all the mercenaries. "Chief, I think its best if we-"

"Everyone, BACK INSIDE THE BASE! BLUE BASE!" Master Chief commanded as he dual-wielded his assault rifle and pistol, shooting at the pumpkin headed bloke.

"Aw, crap." said Scout, and darted inside Blu base.

"WE NEVER RETREAT!" yelled Blu Soldier as he stood back to back with Red Soldier, firing their shotguns at the slowly approaching threats. WE WILL STAY AND-urk"

The Blu Heavy charged into both of them and tackled them into the Blu Base, followed by both Engineers, Femscout, both Pyros firing their flare guns at the Astronaut's face, both Snipers, and then Demoman and Demopan. "RRAH!" roared the pumpkin headed monster who happened to be hiding near the door's entrance, and he split Demopan's right leg in half with his axe just as he ran inside the base and the tsunami-proof doors rolled down inside all of the base's doors.

"Ach, why does m' leg feel so bloody weird?" Demopan remarked, followed by shocked stares. "And where are ze bloody spies?"

The two spies decloaked, both smoking as usual. "Zis is most unfortunate." remarked the Red Spy. "Zat Australian fool wants vat from us, now?"

"Th' Australium." responded Red Engie. "Why else would he be here?

"See'n' if th' base is up ta par on standards." reasoned Scout. "He's always crazee 'bout base standards n' crap." As the mercenaries bickered over possible reasons, Master Chief slumped down on the walls of the base's interior and visorpalmed.

_If I'm getting out of here alive_, he thought, _I'm gonna, I'm gonna have one hell of a story to tell..._

Present Time

"Caboose, may you please help me carry this box?"

Nicole and Caboose were in the ship's library, stuffing a mox full of books and DVDs- mainly anime, some Disney animation movies, and 5 horror movies. Luckily for the two, none of the infected were encountered on the way to the library or at the library itself. Most of the books not splattered with blood and organs were either comic books or manga, which most of the Spartans didn't like. "Do we have enough?" asked Caboose.

"Yeahah, Sarge is gonna be proud! We have everything, the DVD players, books, anime, all sorts of stuff. Most of the anime is from the 21stand 20thcentury, however, so they're on DVDs only. For the books, we have some Harry Potter books, uh, Monkey D. Luffy, printed Fanfiction, cooking books, history textbooks, some math worksheets, and... Lego building manuals?" listed Nicole as she took full inventory of the books and DVDs.

"Nicole, they're here and they don't seem very happy!" Caboose warned as he heard the ventilation shafts ripping open.

"CUT AND RUN!" ordered Nicole, as she ran off holding the box of entertainment. "COVER ME!"

Meanwhile...

Sarge, Soap, Grif, Doc, and Simmons were busy prying the crates open in the hangar. 6 days ago, the Spartans moved out of the hanger where the firefight between the insurrectionists took place to scout for materials. Instead, they stumbled upon the ship's supply hangar, where supplies were dropped off and shipped. Before the Savannah was shot to smithereens by the Covenant warship, its crew had attempted to move out as many of its supplies so the Covenant wouldn't get their hands on them. Neither of them did...

...until now.

"Why don't we make rooms with the crates?" Haruhi suggested to Grif as she pried open a crate with ease. "We can organize everything easier that way."

Grif opened his crate and out came a large pile of Twinkies. "WOOHOO! SCORE!" Grif shouted in success. "Uh, wait what did you say?"

Haruhi picked up a Twinkie, unwrapped it and ate it. When she was finished, she reiterated "I said, why don't we make rooms out of these crates so we can organize everything easier? Like, one room will be the armory, another will be the supply drop, then the library/entertainment room, you know?"

Grif sighed and pried open another crate, and replied "Sounds good- WHAT THE!" he shouted. There was another crate in the crate Grif opened. "It's like one of those freakin' dolls where you open one and there's another one inside it, and then you open _that _one and there's freaking ANOTHER ONE IN IT!" he whined as he pried open the crate inside the crate to reveal... ANOTHER CRATE. He pried open that one to reveal... rocks? As Grif pulled one out and observed it, he saw that its luster was yellow and shiny, which meant that...

"GOLD! I FOUND GOLD! I'M RICH!" Grif screamed in joy, tossing the golden nuggets everywhere. "WE STRUCK IT RICH! THE BEST GOLD THERE IS!" While Grif was celebrating, Haruhi picked up a golden nugget and observed it, then threw it with all her might at the floor, shattering to millions of pieces.

"Ah, yes, the best iron pyrite there is indeed." concluded Haruhi. "You struck the motherlode... of Fools' Gold. See, unlike gold, iron pyrite breaks when it is smashed. GOLD is softer and would flatten instead." But this was not enough to convince Grif, who was staring in horror at Haruhi. "I'd say this entire "motherlode" is 20 dollars.

Grif's eyes broke from widening in surprise and his jaw nearly fell off his very face. "NONSENSE! HOW MUCH IS THIS WORTH?! OVER $9000!" he declared, trying to ignore the fact that he wasn't rich after all. Haruhi rolled her eyes and continued prying open the crates. "It's... over... 9000... ah f**k it." he groaned in despair, forcefully smashing open the next crate. Out rolled a 30x30 Rubiks cube, colors scrambled. Haruhi observed it and managed to solve 2 sides within 5 minutes, causing Grif's eyes to figuratively explode from widening too much.

"It's the best I can do, but-" Haruhi sighed.

"BUT?!" Grif practically yelled. "I CAN'T EVEN SOLVE A 1X1!"

Doc poked his head out of a pile of crates with a slightly annoyed face behind his visor. "Grif, I'd appreciate it if you stopped yelling. We're obviously trying to survive, and your yelling is poison to our ears." He dove back into the pile and resumed his so far unlucky uncrating session.

"Sounds like the kid's got talent." called Sarge from behind a stacked pyramid of crates.

"She's a teen, get your facts straight, old timer." facepalmed Soap as he pulled a used chamber pot out of a crate. "And why the h*ll do we keep finding completely useless things? We're searching for freakin' grains of sand in an OCEAN! We didn't find any food, water, blankets, weapons or ammunition yet! JUST BLOODY WATER CLOSET POTS!"

There was suddenly an incessant pounding on one of the barricaded doors. Sarge immediately dashed to the door and shouted "NICOLE?!" for confirmation of identity.

"OPEN SESAME!" Nicole pleaded, with the sound of Caboose's pistol going off in the distance. Sarge easily moved the crates aside and Caboose smashed the door open with one good charge, sending Nicole flying into Doc. Caboose helped Sarge push the crates containing heavy machinery back in the way and reinforce it with a fridge and queen-sized bed they uncrated. The sudden noise of an infected screeching and slashing at the crates made Sarge jump a mile.

"Heart attack, indeed." Sarge remarked. Simmons pried open a crate and MRE military food rations poured out, most of them still fresh.

"YES! FOOD and... FREAKING WA *snrk* TER!" Simmons sniffed, about to cry from happiness and new hope. It turned out that luck was on their side after all. Frenzied by hunger, he ripped open a Miso Ramen package and swallowed it whole, then shortly after choked on it. "AKCGGHELPKAHCKGHEGLPH" Simmons choked out, attempting to use the Heimlich Maneuver on himself while his face was turning red underneath his helmet.

"Simon, this is how you do it." Haruhi ran up and landed a powerful kick on Simmon's stomach, which contracted his diaphragm, compressing the air which forced the saliva soaked Ramen noodles smashing out of his mouth and helmet's visor. It landed on the floor with a wet _plop_and leaving Simmons panting, clutching his stomach and trying to form the words thank you.

"I shouldhhhh hhave knownhhh," Simmons gasped as he greedily sucked in lungfuls of air, "thhhat I nheeded tohhhh soakhh them in watahhh... in ordah... to eat themhhhh..."

Sighing and visorpalming, Haruhi slumped down on a crate and thought,

_This is gonna be a loooong trip._

2Fort a few days ago...

Demopan took a hearty swig from his frying pan that was actually a bottle in disguise. For some reason, he was not taking into account his split right shin, blood spewing from the cracks. He was mumbling incoherently and repeatedly, softly hitting the back of his head against the wall. "I'm gonna glue yer arses **hic** a-s and I'm the grass man punk yeah **hic** ya havin' heathenzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..." he hiccuped unintelligibly, then drifted off to sleep. Red and Blu Spy were fencing with their butterfly knifes and were spewing French insults at each other. The only people doing things... well... worth doing were Master Chief, Samus, Isaac Clarke, both Soldiers, and both Heavies.

"Ok, just who the h-e-double hockey sticks are these blokes? They seem quite mad, and WHY THE F—K ARE THEY TERRORIZING US?!" demanded Isaac, slamming his Plasma Disperser on the makeshift table that they made with spare wooden planks lying inside the Blu base. "I'm ready to sacrifice everything except my dearest to shove this, THIS PLASMA DISPERSER INTO THEIR MOUTHS AND WATCH THEIR BRAINS EXPLODE LIKE CONFETTI!" It was evident his dementia was taking over, due to stress.

Red Soldier cleared his throat and adjusted his kabuto, then spoke slowly, "We do not know who these lame pussycats are, but we WILL KICK THAT AUSTRALIAN OUTTA THIS COUNTRY! He may be Australian, but I AM AMERICAN, AND SO IS BLU SOLDIER!"

"Look," said Master Chief, "we know your patriotism and how much you love America. But please, just give us names."

"Th' Australian guy is coincidentally _our boss!_ His name is Saxton Hale, and DON'T you plan on taking him down yourself!" The Red Soldier cleared his throat once again, and declared "IF FIGHTING IS SURE TO RESULT IN VICTORY-"

"-then you must fight, we know." answered Samus.

"MOVING ON!" shouted Blu Soldier, who was now donning a _Cat in the Hat _hat. "Now, the pumpkin headed, ace-wielding maniac is infamously known as THE HORSELESS HEADLESS HEADMANN... JUNIOR! Next up, we have **shudders **the _former Red Soldier who defected due to his dementia, _Painis... Cupcake."

"Why Painis Cupcake?" Samus giggled, trying to hold back a laugh.

"We do not know, private. His dementia gave him a liking for painises... and cupcakes." shuddered Blu Soldier, hand firmly clasping his blue ice axe, which also worked well for penetrating undead skulls instead of cutting hard ice. "But... the ENGINEER... we call him... he was the Red Engineer's twin who was the unfortunate lab rat of the Red Medic. The Red Medic, something went terribly wrong in an attempt to... do something... and now he is horribly disfigured physically... and mentally... he talks backwards... and he'll-"

"Wait, THAT Blu Engineer?!" Isaac's pupils shrunk, and his skin turned ice white beneath his RIG's armor and bodysuit. "So did Red Engineer's father have to replace his son... to fight against his _other _son?"

"Darn right." called the Blu Engineer from his conversation with both Scouts. "T'was a terrible time."

"The last two guys... we call them the Astronaut and Brutal Brian." informed the Red Soldier. "The Astronaut, we seriously have no idea who he is, if he even _is _a he or a she, and if it is even a human or a robot... or just some unknown entity. I don't know if he is the g-dda-n Neil Armstrong or what, but it sure has an interest in space and the moon. Whereas Brutal Brian... he used to be a former Red Sniper, but he was tortured killed by Blu Soldier-"

"-..." Samus, Isaac Clarke, and Master Chief slowly glanced at Blu Soldier, who was uncontrollably sweating and tried to look brave, but it was evident. He was guilty.

"-but SOMEHOW, he rose from the dead."

Isaac Clarke slammed his palms on the table. "YOU SH-TTIN' ME?"

"Private, stand down." said the Blu Soldier calmly.

"STAND DOWN?!" Isaac Clarke yelled. "HOW CAN I STAND DOWN WHEN THINGS ARE BEING MESSED UP?! YOU SAW THE SPACETIME RUPTURES, AND NOW LOOK WHAT'S HAPPENING! SOONER OR LATER, OUR SH-T WILL BE F—KED UP, THANKS TO WHOEVER'S BEHIND THIS! WE CANNOT STAND DOWN! WE MUST STAND UP AND FIGHT! FOR-" Isaac got the wind knocked out of him by a powerful knee to the stomach by Red Soldier, and was finished off by Blu Soldier's fist to the face.

"Good idea, son." admitted Red Soldier. "We just don't need mentally insane in our team."

Isaac Clarke groaned and hugged his stomach in pain. Just then, Samus realized something terrible.

"WHERE'S STEVE?" Samus cried.

Where Steve is...

_He's out of ammo! _Steve thought, and fist pumped in success. He remembered he brought his musket along...

AND HE ONLY HAD ONE SHOT IN IT.

_Darn it_, Steve thought. _I only have one shot at this._ He pulled the hammer back, jumped out of his cover... and was immediately kicked in the stomach by the o.W.n. Heavy in the stomach. "LITTLE, LITTLE MAN!" taunted the Heavy, who prepared to snap his back. "PREPARE FOR COWARD KILLING TIME!"

"Not today." Steve chuckled. He swing his musket up so the barrel rested under the Heavy's chin and fired. The results were rather lurid in nature, due to the head flying off and hitting the tank. "Now, if you'll excuse me..." he thanked, stepping over his headless corpse and dashing to the nearest entry to the underground facility, as he had learned from the Announcer's journal. _Why was the base built underground? That's a stupid idea. _Thought Steve. _What if the dam floods and the water flows into the base? They're as good as-_

As he opened the door, an o.W.n. Scout was resting a bloodstained bat on his shoulder.

_Dead._

"BATTA SWING!"


	21. Exercise and Animuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Chapter 21

"RUUUN! AGAIN!" screamed Simmons.

Haruhi was right behind him, chasing him with a gigantic, dead cockroach that was 2 feet long. If there was anything that Simmons couldn't detest more, it was Cockroaches. MONSTEROUS COCKROACHES. "Come on, Simon-San, it wants to say hello to you!" Haruhi giggled. Ever since they had their first meal, they were so bored their eyes melted out of their sockets. Most of the manga was in Japanese, which meant only Haruhi was able to read them. The English manga was represented by a lone book that was actually a COOKING BOOK stylized into MANGA! Haruhi found "Brian" when she was prying open crates, and now she had something to do.

"Good job, Haruhi!" congratulated Sarge, now jogging alongside Haruhi. "It's relieving to see that the team is getting the exercise they need! Say, how about you chase the rest of the team as well? We could all use cardiovascular exercise!" This sparked an idea in Haruhi's mind, causing her to run up to Tucker.

"Hey, Haruhi, what's that you're holdingAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" screeched Tucker, who slapped a terribly written, printed FanFiction shut and joined Simmons in his sprint for his life. "WHERE'D YOU GET THAT LARGE-A-S COCKROACH?! AND WHY ARE YOU CHASING US!?"

"I dunno. I'm bored!" giggled Haruhi, and resumed her pursuit while cradling the dead cockroach as if it were a newborn baby. "Come on, go kiss it!"

Simmons cried out, "I don't recall girls acting like this at this age!"

"Maybe she's got guts!" Tucker replied, throwing his arms in the air and flipping them around. They rounded a corner to reveal Grif sitting on a crate, who somehow managed to snag a copy of _World War Z_. As he finished reading Todd Wainio's interview on the catastrophic, historical failure battle of "Yonkers", the corner of his eye spotted Tucker running for his dear life. Grif closed his book and got up, only to find Simmons in his face.

"GRIF, RUN!" shouted Simmons, then darted away with Tucker. Grif sighed and scratched at his neck, which was currently being attacked by a _very _ticklish sensation. It persisted, however, so Grif turned around... into Haruhi's beaming face. She wasn't wearing her helmet, and for some motherf—king reason her armor no longer looked like it came out of an anime (Haruhi still did). And if things couldn't get crazier, she was holding

the biggest

cockroach

Grif had ever

seen.

"YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

On the other side of the hangar

"I just don't get it." sighed Soap.

Nicole-458 glanced at him. "What don't you get?"

"Haruhi-Chan doesn't normally act like this"

"W-what do you mean?" asked Nicole.

"Well, before sh-t was officially declared f—ked up, I was sucked through a spacetime rupture and BAM! I was in a completely different Earth, and everything looked like... I felt like I was in an anime. And before me was a burning high school, with those... things literally flailing their bladed arms-"

"Uh, nice story, but may you please just get to the point?" Church cut in. He was apparently residing in Nicole's armor.

"You know what? _Fine. _Anyways, as soon as I set foot in the High School, I stepped on a report card. If you didn't know, I HAVE to read report cards as soon as I see them."

"Were you a parent?" Church asked.

"Nah." replied Soap. "My job got in the way. So as I looked at the report card, I instantly knew everything about this student. Coincidentally, mother trucking coincidentally, it was Haruhi-Chan's report card. From what I can remember... she had an average 3.9 GPA."

Church's hologram appeared. "Show me." he demanded. "For proof. You could be lying- WHOA." Soap slapped a ripped and bloodstained report card on the crate he was sitting on. Haruhi had A+s in every subject: Pre-Calculus, known world history, theoretical physics, olympic-level physical education, orchestra... and her own group. "Hot d—n, she has all this and a 3.9?! WHAT THE SH-"

"She got a 3.9 mainly because of what teachers said about her." Soap picked up the report card and read what the now-infected or dead (hey, that rhymed!) teachers had to say about her. "'Haruhi Suzumiya is by far, hands down, no doubt, obviously, uh, no doubt, the smartest student I ever taught. She has undeniably lots of potential, but unfortunately she cannot use that potential for friendships.' That was by her social studies teacher, and I looked at the other reports. They were all the same, saying that she wasn't very social... you know. It turns out she only had in interest in time travelers, aliens, uh, 'espers', and other freaky stuff like that."

"So she considers us as aliens-" said Nicole, but was cut off by Church.

"-or time travelers, OR whoever the h—l the espers are. That's probably why she's friendly to us."

Soap laughed.

"Uh... what's so funny?" Nicole questioned.

"If... if anybody tries to ask her out..." gasped Soap, "she'll accept..." Nicole rolled her eyes, wondering how Tucker could possibly react to this.

"Good news for Tucker." Church sighed. "And his small hint of immaturity left in him."

"...AND THEN SHE'LL DUMP HIM A FEW MINUTES RIGHT AFTER!" Soap just lost it, bending over and crying uncontrollably as he laughed. Church visualized Tucker's face after his hopes sunk down the drain and into the ocean where it was torn apart by barracuda and sharks.

Haruhi and Sarge were now chasing around not only Simmons, Tucker, and Grif, but also Donut, Doc, and Agent Washington (who wasn't really scared, just bored). "Run faster, Grif!" warned Sarge as Haruhi threw the dead cockroach on his helmet. It wrapped around his head, blocking his vision of decaying cockroach guts and an occasional maggot or two. Grif let out an inhuman scream of horror and ran into a crate filled with packing peanuts, where he ripped the cockroach off his head and threw off his helmet, revealing his face, white as snow from shock. "Now, Grif, continue running!" Sarge ordered, but Grif slumped over and started to snore, spent.

Sarge had another one of his many epiphanies in life (again) and whispered something into Haruhi's ear as both the chasers and the chasees were taking a 30-second break. She grinned evilly, gaining the attention of Tucker, Simmons, Grif, Doc, Donut, and Washington. "What have you done now, Sarge?" groaned Washington, getting ready to sprint off again. As soon as he said this, Haruhi slipped a feather-covered glove over her armored right hand, and said deviously:

"Prepare for the grand tickle torture EXTRAVAGANZA!"

"RUN FOR YOUR G-DDA-N MOTHERF—KING, FREAKING SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS LIFE HOLY S- RUUUUN! YEAAAAAAGH!" Tucker roared, and all the Spartans excluding Grif resumed their daily exercise. Haruhi's armor apparently had an armor modification on it that allowed her to constantly and quickly regain any lost amount of stamina, which meant that she could run near-indefinitely. Combine this with the fact that she was already a fast runner without the armor, the Spartans were going to have a hard time escaping her.

Haruhi sprinted to Donut and tackled him. "If you're out of energy, just jog, 'kay?" said Haruhi as she pulled off Donut's helmet and softle brushed her feathered glove over his face and his neck.

"HAHAHAHAHAOHKAYHAHAHASTOPHAHAHAHAHHA!" Donut couldn't help it. He was the most ticklish of the group, and he felt like he was going to literally explode any moment now. Haruhi continued tickling him for ten more seconds, not budging under Donut's frail attempts to push her off. "OPHHHBHBPBHPHBH!" he choked out, his face turning red and as quickly losing breath. Shortly after, Haruhi helped him up and shoved him for a head start.

Doc dove into a crate as tall as him and slammed it shut, making no noise. But his incessant panting alerted her of his position, and soon enough her armored fist smashed through the crate's door, grabbed Doc by his neck, and pulled him out. "STOP! This is more like kidnapping than exercise!" cried Doc as Haruhi slipped on her feathered glove. "Please! Stop! NOOOPHBHBHHAHAHAHAHHSTOPHAHHAHNOOOHAHAHHHPBHBHBHAHAHBHBHBPBH" Doc suddenly sputtered as she jabbed one of her fingers into his side and brushed her feathered glove on his right armpit, arms flailing.

"Hiya guys, what's goin' on?" Caboose asked happily, but was responded by the Spartans dashing like bats outta hell past him.

"CANTTALKNOWCABOOSEGOTTAGOBYE!" Tucker shouted in a strident voice. Caboose stared at the fleeing Spartans and continued his walk around the hangar... and walked right into Sarge.

"Hiya Sarge! I just wanted to ask you how your day's going. So, how's your day?" Caboose questioned. "My day is fine so far-

"Caboose, are you ticklish?"

"Very, wh-"

Sarge turned around to face Haruhi, with an enthusiastic face and a feathered glove on her hand. "'Cause I'd run if I were you. It's daily morning exercise." But Caboose was already gone, joining Simmons, Tucker, and Agent Washington. Luckily for her but unluckily for the Spartans, someone had set up a FREAKING CHEESE WIRE BETWEEN TWO CRATES! Simmon's foot caught on the taut wire, flipping him forwards and faceplanting. Trying to avoid the same fate as Simmons, Tucker jumped over the seemingly invisible wire...

...and tripped over another one.

"Ith... Ith... Ithink we're done for today... huff..." panted Simmons, still on the floor. "And WHO KEEPS SETTING UP THE CHEESE WIRE ALL OVER THE PLACE?!" He got up and pulled the cheese wire off both crates that were keeping it taut, then tripped over the wire Tucker fell over.

Caboose spoke up. "I did it." Tucker angrily turned his head around and got ready to go apesh-t on him, but never got the chance. "I thought that we could open the crates easier if someone pulled... er... tripped... over them."

"Caboose," Sarge visorplanted, "y' know we can just use the goldurn crowbars to open them?! Haven't you been paying attention this whole TIME?!" Caboose replied by shaking his head. Just then, 1337 ran in, helmetless, with a frantic look on his face. Blood was splattered on his armored chest and arms, and some was pooling in his eye sockets.

"You look like you're an extra in a zombie movie." yawned Grif, waking up. "What's going on?"

"There was a FREAKING SPACETIME RUPTURE! IN THIS SHIP!" 1337 gulped as he forced his helmet back on. "JUST NOW! I heard it when you guys were... exercising... when I was just _strolling_ around the hangar, you know, minding my own business when SUDDENLY I heard something that resembled one of those Covenant starlight engines activating, those loud screeching and pulsating sounds. As it subsided, all I could hear were you guys, bickering about the cheese wire I set up." Tucker leapt up and began strangling 1337, shaking him as he choked.

"WHY DID YOU SET UP THE F—KING CHEESE WIRE?! WHY?!" Tucker roared. Fearing the worst, Sarge knew his responsibility as team leader and had to end this madness. He walked over to Tucker and clocked him on the head with his pipe wrench, knocking him. Out cold. Luckily, he still had his helmet on so he wouldn't get any brain damage.

"So you're saying..." Church said in increasing levels of madness as he appeared out of Sarge's armor, "that there was a RUPTURE IN THIS SHIP, RIGHT HERE IN THIS VERY ROOM?! WE WOULD'VE HEARD IT AND SEEN IT!"

"No, he didn't say it happened here. 1337 said he heard it in the vicinity of his hearing range, so that means it was probably outside or inside this ship." Simmons said. "I think we should go check it out-"

"-NO." Sarge commanded. "WE do not know what came out of it, and what its intentions are. WE CANNOT leave this place unguarded, nor can we send anybody out there... alone. I vote 1337 and Soap investigate the area of the slipspace rupture, while the rest of us will defend this area. At any cost." Sarge one-handedly racked the pump on his shotgun and aimed it at the nearest barricaded door. "Any questions?"

Soap apparently overheard what Sarge just said. "Aye, are you bleeding crazy?!" he called as Sarge pushed the heavy crates stacked on the door away and opened it. "You're gonna get us all killed!" Looking up at Soap, Sarge grinned and responded,

"I'm not crazy. I'm just 'one heckofamomma'."

After minutes of persuading

1337 played _Cry of the Banshee _though his helmet and turned the volume up all the way, playing an air guitar on the solo part. It was undoubtedly his favorite song, right next to _The Millionare's Holiday. _Perhaps it was just him, but the song _really _kept his energy flowing. As he reached the end of the solo, he tripped over a corpse missing most of its head and torso. His helmet struck the floor, creating a loud CLANG that pervaded throughout the _entire _ship. Soap visorpalmed and said, "Real nice job, lad. Real _bloody _nice job. Now here they motherfreakin' come." However, not even a single lone infected marine came to the call that signified dinner for them. Odd. And as far as Soap and 1337 could tell, no growls or roars were heard. Oddalicious.

"I think the room is around _THIIIIS_ corner!" 1337 announced, and rounded the organ-painted corner...

...right into a horrible sight.

The hallway was a dead end. And at that dead end was a horribly mutated, decayed body anchored on the wall. Only its head was the part of the body that wasn't affected, its mouth forever open in a gut-wrenching cry of pain. The reft of the body was decayed terribly, with "veins" the size of tree trunks rooting out of it and clutching to the wall. Its bloated stomach had 10 tentacles writhing out of it and jabbing at the 2 dumbfounded Spartan-IIs, trying to stab their heads off.

"Good thing this helmet is removable." remarked 1337, removing his helmet and vomiting all over the floor.

Soap decided to end its misery as quick as possible, so he unholstered his M6C SOCOM he got off an infected marine's cold, dead hands and emptied all 12 bullets into its head. The M6C SOCOM was basically an M6D pistol, except it wasn't as powerful, had a larger clip, shot _much _faster, and had in integral silencer. "What?! How is that physically possible?!" Soap exclaimed, staggering back in horror as he reloaded his pistol.

"Well, we might as well just sever its tentacles so it doesn't, like, go rip us to pieces or something like that." 1337 sighed as he steadied his MA5B on the creature's tentacles and fired all 60 bullets into its ten tentacles. Surprisingly, it died instantly after its tenth tentacle was filled with lead.

"Ok, WHAAAAT the bloody h-ll just happened?" said Soap. "I shoot it in the head, it doesn't die. You sever its tentacles and THAT KILLS IT?!"

"We have a problem that is over 9000 problems bigger than what you have right now." 1337 declared, and turned Soap around. They stared straight into the eyes of 15 infected marines, bits of tattered flesh hanging from their fanged mouths and bladed limbs. The one in the front turned its head completely around 720 degrees and opened its mouth wide enough to fit two heads in. "And I think we better cut and run, right Soap?" 1337 turned around to face Soap, who wasn't there. "Soap?"

"CUT AND RUN!" Soap's voice was faintly heard from a few meters away, which was all the confirmation 1337 needed to just run for his life like an angel out of heaven (wait, angels fly). He ran around the corner, infected literally on his tail... bone. _Make a right, right, left on the 5__th__ door, left, right on the 2__nd__ door, and the entrance to the hangar is on the right. It's kind of like a zigzag_ 1337 frantically thought as the undead swiped at him with their bladed arms. He eventually found Soap, waiting at the door and ready to slam it shut.

"EeeeyAAAAAAA!" 1337 roared and lunged through the ajar hangar entrance. Soap slammed the door on an infected nurse's neck who had closed its fanged mouth around 1337's armored left ankle. He tripped, pulling his foot as the door severed the nurse's head. The nurse was fruitlessly attempting to bite off 1337's ankle while he repeatedly kicked it against the wall. Sighing, he slumped down on the wall, looking at Simmons and Nicole who were staring at him, both helmetless, with looks of fear sprawled on their faces. He looked at their necks and saw why.

A 5 foot long, blue broadsword with a golden edge was held to their necks.

"Uh, h-h-hey, 1337! How's it g-goin'?" Simmons said, tremulous. "H-how did it go? Y-y' know, the scouting mission?"

"Eeeeeuuhhhh..." left 1337's mouth. Soap was nowhere to be found. None of the other Spartans were seen or heard, which was odd. Normally, the hangar would be bustling with the bantering Spartans, flying objects, or the sound of a loud SMASH followed by either laughter, a swear word, or both. "S-s-so WHO THE F IS THAT?!"

"Wh-who?" stuttered Simmons. The blade slowly moved across his neck, leaving a small trickle of blood. "AAHHHwh-what are y-y-you talking about, 1337? There's nobody here..."

Never before in his career as a UNSC Spartan-II had he ever encountered his dearest friends being held at gun... er... sword point in front of his eyes. His training said _something _about handling a situation about this...

_...something..._

1337 recalled the time he distracted and defeated Pluton on the planet Cronky. What did he say again... _AHA!_

"OH, HEY!" 1337 shouted, pointing to an imaginary object in the hangar's roof. "WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!" Now, this only worked on people with _very _low IQ. Take the Covenant's secret bio-weapon, Pluton. Pluton was a Covenant Brute, or "Ape", that was 3 stories tall, could pick up tanks and play with them like toys, and punch so hard that he could literally _slap heat-seeking missiles_ back to its sender before it had the time to home back on its target. But 1337 kicked his posterior so hard he flew outta this world. Literally. _With his own darn hands and feet_.

Nicole suddenly grinned and slapped the broadsword out of the person's hands. "SHE FELL FOR IT!" announced Nicole, grabbed the sword holder, and held her so 1337 could finish her off with his "Falcon Punch" armor ability, which activated some mini rocket thrusters on his right forearm that effectively multiplied the force of the punch. But there was a small problem. A problem that Sarge had to live with as well.

He couldn't hit a girl.

When Nicole said _she_, 1337 thought she said _he_. NO! IT HAD TO BE A GIRL WHO WAS HOLDING SIMMONS AND NICOLE HOSTAGE! An anime girl, too... with sapphire blue, shoulder-length hair, dark-yellowish eyes, and a black bodysuit identical to the Spartans' that was slightly too tight for her. He just didn't think it was right, to beat somebody up who was helpless and couldn't do anything. Nobody knew this, but 1337 was actually that one person that _always _insisted on "ladies first", like Sarge.

"I-I CAN'T!" 1337 cried. "I CAN'T HIT A GIRL! I MUSN'T!" He fell to the floor, panting.

Nicole rolled her eyes and thought _I should've figured, _then roundhouse-kicked her _SO HARD _there was a sonic boom as she flew through the air and empty crates. "SERIOUSLY, 1337? YOU COULD'VE TOLD ME EARLIER." Luckily for the group, Soap reentered cradling 4 guns in his arms.

But unluckily, the guns were outdated.

"I couldn't find your rifles, so take these instead!" Soap commanded, shoving 3 rifles into 1337's, Nicole's, and Simmons's hands. "ALSO, WHAT THE BLOODY H-LL IS GOIN' ON, LAD?"

"She went through the spacetime rupture in this ship, I don't know if there are others!" Simmons responded, fiddling with the rifle in his hands. "AND How THE F—K DO I USE THIS OUTDATED CRAP?!"

"They still use wood for rifles?" 1337 muttered, observing his gun.

Soap took off his helmet and visorpalmed. "Nicole and Simmons, you have G3 rifles from the 21st century, and 1337 has an SKS Carbine from the 1900s. To reload the G3, pull the bolt back, turn it clockwise 45 degrees, insert the fresh clip, and pull the bolt down. It should snap back to the front, and you're ready to rock n' roll! For the SKS, put the stripper clip above the loading chamber, push the bullets into the built-in clip, throw the stripper clip away, and pull the bolt back to chamber a new bullet."

"TWENTY FIRST CENTURY?!" Nicole practically yelled. "Ah, good enough."

"Both of you have German engineered rifles. You're actually pretty well-armed. And 1337 has a bloody Russian made rifle." Soap smiled. "I think he's the best off out of all of you guys."

"LESS TALK MORE ACTION!" 1337 yelled, and ran straight into the sound of Sarge's shotgun serving 8-gauge buckshot. "Hiya, Sarge, what's goin' on WHOA!"

"Son," Sarge said calmly, "have you ever had to shoot at a girl that shoots lightning out of her hands? No? BECAUSE I HAVE TO!" He turned back to see a lighning bolt in his face and instinctively grabbed the unwary, orange Spartan next to him and used him as a lighting rod. Miraculously, his shields were overcharged by OVER 9000% when the tip of the lightning bolt entered his armor.

"Aw, da—it!" Sarge shouted. "Now Grif's gonna be harder to kill!"

"Gee, thanks Sarge." Grif thanked sarcastically. "But now's not the time for _you _to kick _my _a-s, because _now _there's some hot anime chick wearing a Japanese shrine maiden outfit, who has black hair and the longest ponytail I ever saw. She's probably a high schooler shoots lightning out of her hand _because _she wants to kick all of our a-ses."

"And get our sh- utterly, and officially, f—ked up." Church added. "AHH LOOK OUT!" A blue lightning bolt slammed into Grif's sternum, robbing him of _all _of his energy shields _and _electrocuting him. Grif spasmed wildly before falling to the ground, armor blackened and smoke slowly rising.

"Alright, Japanese girl," Sarge gritted his teeth, "I never had to do this before, but I might as well do it." He looked at Nicole and said, smiling "You only die once." He leapt up a a great hight at the speed of light while she uselessly threw bolts of lightning at him, fueled by his pure adrenaline, and smashed the butt of his shotgun so hard on her cranium that she _exploded _in lightning. The explosion threw him back into a crate full of 21st century toasters that spilled out all over the floor, giving her a nasty idea.

"Aw, crap, she's still alive even after Sarge's shotgun smash?!" 1337 groaned. "RUUUN!" The lightning anime girl formed an aura of electricity that surrounded her body. A lone lightning bolt struck a toaster, heating it to the point where it just _exploded _in a matter of nanoseconds. "Jumping" from toaster to toaster, she successfully created an explosion using only toasters and lightning. Nicole threw Grif away from the explosion, but Sarge used his only time to escape in shoving 1337 away from the blast radius. As a result, not only did the explosion knock out his energy shielding, but the blast sent him soaring into a pile of crates.

Grif just woke up, looking into the eyes of the girl, who was smiling at him. Did she have wings? _NO, SHE DOESN'T!_ Grif repeatedly told himself. _STUPID! WAKE UP FROM THE G-DD—N DREAM!_ But he was awake. And he was very aware of the two demonic wings sprouting out of her back. _Noooooo, she's TOO HOT TO BE A DEVIL!_ Grif cried out in his mind, lost in thought.

"Wake up, Grif." Simmons sighed, helping Grif up. "What, are you mesmerized by her?"

"I NEVER KNEW ANIME COULDBETHISHOT!" Grif screamed, smiling madly.

Nicole b—ch slapped him across the face. "Snap outta it! When this is all over, I'll buy you 100 dollars worth of Anime and Manga. Freakin' otaku."

"Ara ara." the girl giggled.

"They're like melons!" Grif pointed out, pointing at her chest.

1337 visorpalmed _very _hard. "NOW, GRIF?! SINK YOUSELF IN YOUR FANTASIES LATER! But I _do _have to admit..." he said while drooling, looking in the same place Grif was also looking at. "...THAT SHE HAS-" a lightning bolt struck both of their visors, silencing them with a _thud_. Tucker's scream of terror and the _thud _of him hitting the floor woke both of them up simultaneously, staring straight into her eyes.

"Ok, why does she have electricity surrounding her hands?" Tucker asked, frantically looking around for his DMR.

"BeCAUSE," Simmons said while steadying his aim on her head, "she wants to shock our a-ses off. No pun intended." He switched his G3 to full auto and unleashed all 20 bullets on her head, not missing once. Somehow, he managed to aim properly even with the gun jolting around due to recoil.

"I don't think you're supposed to fire that thing on full-auto." Soap said as he found out that not even one single bullet made it past her skull, let alone form a scratch on her skin. She charged up another ball of lightning the size of a basketball, then surrounded herself with more of them.

Tucker groaned and sighed "Yeah, no sh-t."

The girl smiled and said something in Japanese.

Suddenly, there were blue balls of electricity everywhere.


	22. Red Dragons and Blue Devils DxD

Chapter 22

"BONK!" The o.W.n. Scout brought his bat down on Steve's glowing red helmet, but it bent uselessly around it. "Hey, what da h-ll is this crap?" Steve rested his sword under the scout's chin and thrust upwards, splitting it in half. Blood spewed all over the ceiling, and WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT BEHIND HIM?! He quickly turned his head around to face a large, purple, spacetime portal open up to the point where it was as large as the empire state building.

"NOPE." Steve uttered, rushing in the small room and slamming the door shut behind him. He locked all 3 locks on the door, slid the large metal bar into place, and a large hunk of metal slammed down in front of the door, blocking it. Steve ran down the stairs but tripped on the scout's leg as he neared the first step, causing him to somersault all the way down the steps...

...into an undergound base. Most of the walls were rock, but there were some places that resembled the interior of Blu Base, with concrete walls, pre-1970s analog computers, some strange machinery, and a weaponry room. In fact, the interior of the undergound base looked like a 1970s water purification plant combined with an interior of an industrial compound. _Why am I here again...? _Steve carefully pondered, oblivious to the o.W.n. engineer setting up a security camera in the hallway next to him. When he heard the clanking of the wrench, only did he find out that there was somebody in the HALLWAY LOOKING RIGHT AT HIM!

Instantly, Steve picked up his glowing red sword and charged at the engineer, then swiftly decapitated him while he was testing out the security camera. His head slowly rolled across the floor, which he kicked into the open door that lead to the storage room, then dragged the headless corpse into the room. Fortunately, the corpse would take a few days before anybody noticed the smell of decomposition.

Unfortunately, his steel-toed boot twitched and struck the side of the metal door, creating a loud PANG. And to make matters worse, two o.W.n. Mercs, a scout and a pyro, were strolling down the hallway adjacent to the one Steve was in. "Mmph?" the pyro asked, looking at the scout and pointing down the hallway.

"Uh, NO WAY." was the scout's reply.

The masked arsonist flipped him off. The scout facepalmed and picked up his double-barreled shotgun, and _slowly _crept along the hallway, past the blood splatters and the fallen ladder, right in front of the storage room door. As he stood right in front of it, Steve swung down from the ceiling and stabbed his sword through his chest, instantly killing him. The pyro took out his fire axe with an orange blade and a black handle, then ran up to Steve and powerfully brought the axe down on his helmet. It shattered to ruby-red dust instantaneously.

"GAH!" Steve cried, dodging the pyro's axe swings. As he matrix-dodged a swing, he found the handle smashing into his balls, which made him bend over forwards in pain. A knee struck his nose, and as a result he went flipping back and hit the wall behind him. Or he thought it was a wall. A black robot that resembled the heavy he killed earlier held him up by his sides and headbutted him _so hard _all of his armor exploded from the sheer force. Steve went flying and smashed through rows after rows of walls.

Then all went black.

The hangar...

"I SUGGEST WE FORM A TREATY!" the Arbiter roared as he swung his energy sword at the incoming lightning bolts ,deflecting them back at its sender.. Agent Washington was currently returning fire with his plasma launcher, which had virtually no effect on the lightning girl as they clung to her and exploded. "WE CAN WORK THINGS OUT EASIER!"

"How about this: WE CAN'T!" 1337 shouted back as he tried to shoot her with his SKS carbine, but he only managed to graze her vital areas. The other bullets either bounced off her or were disintegrated by her blue bolts of lightning. "NOT WHEN WE ARE GETTING FREE KICKS IN THE A-S!"

_Please, forgive me_. Sarge thought as he held his shotgun by the barrel and threw it as hard as he could, tomahawk-style, at her. The stock struck her on the forehead, knocking her out cold. She fell to the floor with a _thud_. "OH YEAH!" Church cheered. "Nice throw, Sarge!"

But they weren't done yet. The blue haired girl reappeared in front of the Arbiter, broadsword in hands. "Uh, oh." Donut gulped.

"YEP, we're f—ked." sighed Church. "RUUUUUUN!"

Most of the Spartans, including Doc, Simmons, 1337, Donut, Tucker, Caboose, and Grif. Soap and Haruhi were missing, but Sarge, Agent Washington, the Arbiter, and Nicole stood their ground. The only problem...

...was that there were more of them. 5 more people joined the commotion, and THEY ALL looked like they were from anime.

"Looks like somebody's been watching too much anime." remarked Agent Washington.

"It's like the person who's behind all these space-time continuum f—kups is, like, an otaku." Church replied.

The first to attack was a 16-year old guy with brown hair and eyes, a dark gray jacket, jeans, and a red shirt with the coolest looking, red-armored dragon gauntlet on his left arm. It seemed to propel him forwards while emitting green bursts of light from the jewel at the back of his hand, but for some unknown reason he had a lewd face on. The whole time. He still had that face when the Arbiter grabbed his arm, swung him around, and tossed him into a crate that was now a spider hotel. Next up was the smallest and probably youngest out of all of them, a 4 and-a-half foot tall girl with hazel irises short white hair that was slightly longer in the front. She wore a school uniform, and as she Falcon Punched Agent Washington, the cat-shaped hairpin in her hair bobbed ever so gently. Wash bounced off of the titanium-a wall and flew right back to her, headfirst, but instead soared over her head less than a foot from her reach. But it was still within kicking-range, so she kicked him in the groin as he flew past, propelling him into Sarge's gut.

"HAA, SUCK IT!" Simmons shouted as he emerged from a crate behind Nicole, spraying the attackers with his G3 on full-auto and missed every single shot. 1337 kicked over the crate next to Simmons and allowed his right index finger to have rapid spasms, and only one lone bullet grazed the white-haired girl.

"MAN, we suck at aiming." 1337 admitted.

Church's hologram flew next to 1337. "Yeah, no sh-t Sherlock. Maybe use the freakin' iron sights instead of shooting from the hip."

"WE GOTTA STOP THEM!" Tucker shouted.

"Yeah, and that's gonna be the hard part." Grif groaned, trying to keep his balance as he stood up.

1337 smiled. "LESS TALK, MORE ACTION!" he snapped, and used Tucker as a stepping stone to perform his "concussion clocker" combo. He brought his fist down on the white-haired girl's skull and used her head as support so he could lift his feet up to kick her in the nose. It barely had any effect on her, leaving only a small trickle of blood down her left nostril. _Uh, oh_ 1337 said mentally as she uppercut-punched him in the balls, followed by her kick to his groin. The kick pushed him into Grif's groin, and a loud CRUNCH was heard by all.

Nicole still had her G3, so she shot 20 bullets into the white-haired girl's chest and head to test her resistances. They ripped through her school uniform, but she was still unharmed. "WHAT THE SINCERE F—K!" Church shouted indignantly, in confusion. "How the crap can she be kicked in the nose and be hurt BUT NOT GET A SINGLE BRUISE FROM A BULLET!?"

Sarge racked his shotgun pump and fired it in the air, scattering buckshot all over the ceiling. "The Arbiter said TRUCE, not WAR, NOW DID HE?"

"Who's this 'Arbiter'?" asked a blond girl that was slightly taller than the white-haired girl, standing next to the gauntlet guy. As soon as Tucker stared into her emerald green eyes, something just "ticked" in his head. The part that "ticked" was a section of his brain that he thought he had locked away _a very long time ago _but had been recently revived a few days ago. Stepping forward cautiously, Arby introduced himself.

"I am Thel' Vadam, a warrior of the Sangeili species, and I am pleased to meet you-"

"-Asia. Asia Argento."

"I am pleased to meet you, Asia Argento." The Arbiter greeted as he outstretched his hand to shake hers, which was completely engulfed by his.

Tucker stepped forwards. "Wait, isn't Asia Argento a 21st century actress?"

"What a coincidence." sighed Church. "Now, I'd like to know who the h-ll you guys are, but now I want to let you all know that we still have a problem."

"Yeah?" snapped Soap. "What the bloody h-ll is it this time? Did the Xenomorphs come? Is there now a Dracula outbreak? Are invincible soldiers dual-wielding miniguns that spew out heat-seeking nukes at 500 nukes per second gonna come and hold us hostage so they can lobotomize us? WHAT NEXT?!"

"No, just LISTEN!" shouted Church. "We still need to open these crates, because _who knows _if they contain one of the infected and go kill us in our sleep, huh? Have you ever thought of _that_?"

"Actually, that's highly unlikely." Doc said. "I studied these infected marines, and they seem to be no more intelligent than a rodent. I wouldn't expect to find any infected hiding in a crate, because they simply do not have the intelligence to open the crate and close it. Also, if they're hiding in the crates, then that means that they found a gap in our barricades. If that were true, we would all be in the middle of an assault now, right?"

Donut picked up a rusty crowbar and _smashed _the crate next to him into oblivion. It was full of packing peanuts. Nothing else, just packing peanuts. "Also, these crates are absofreakinglutely useless." He opened the next one, and out flowed like Niagara Falls... Lego bricks.

"Let me try." Simmons grinned, kicking the crate behind him open. Inside the crate were boxes and boxes of 7.62x39mm bullets for SKS carbines and 7.62x51mm bullets, perfect for the G3s they had. "I don't know why the _Savannah _would carry such outdated firearms and ammunition, but still, SCOOOORE!"

Donut sighed and broke open the next crate to reveal packs of Miso Ramen MREs. "MISO RAMEN FOR THE WIN!" he cheered while tossing two packs to every person, followed by everybody else cheering in success. Miso Ramen was a delicacy enjoyed by the Blood Gulch Spartans, Agent Washington, the two commandos (1337 and Nicole), the Arbiter, possibly Soap, and probably the people that looked like they were from Japanese anime.

Later

"Uh, is it breakfast, lunch time, or dinner time?"

Sarge made a makeshift table from crates stacked next to each other as the support and the crate "panels" as the actual table itself. He used smaller and sturdier boxes for the chairs, so they wouldn't implode when somebody sat on them.

"I think it's dinnertime." replied 1337. "WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!"

Doc and Caboose brought the food in on trays formed from part of the ship's interior, titanium-a walls. "Well, we have Miso Ramen, tea that Haruhi is brewing right as we speak, and black grapes." listed Doc.

"That's racist." complained Tucker.

Sarge crossed his arms and scoffed. "WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE, WHITE GRAPES?! Be grateful for what you have. Billions of families back at Earth and her colonies are starving and living off cardboard boxes. _THEIR OWN HOMES!_"

"Do you guys have any Fuji Apples?"

"I want Pepperoni pizza!"

"Uh, has anybody seen Kiba Yuuto?"

"What the h-ll? No coffee?"

"I could fancy for some of Haruhi-chan's exquisite tea."

"SHUT the F—K up." demanded the gauntlet guy, slamming his armored forearm on the table. "WE'LL LIVE WITH MISO RAMEN, BLACK GRAPES, AND TEA!"

"Hey, guys, we found milk!" Donut happily sang as he barged in the "dining room", holding gallon jugs of milk. He poured everybody a glass, just as Haruhi walked in with her tea. "You can have either tea, milk, or both!" Everybody voted for both.

As Caboose chugged down his milk, he suddenly dropped it on the table. "Why does this taste weird? Is it goat milk? Elephant milk?" As soon as he heard this, Church burst out laughing.

"Oh, it's milk, all right..." 1337 chuckled evilly, grabbing the attention of everybody in the room. They stared at his hologram, fearing the worst.

"...HUMAN MILK!" he screeched. Everybody's eyes broke from widening in surprise and spat, er, spewed, their milk in their glasses. The only people that didn't seem to care were the lightning girl, the white-haired kickas* girl, Haruhi who was still serving tea, the Arbiter, Caboose (who snorted the milk out of his nostrils), and a crimson hair (waist-length) colored girl who had cyan irises and an anime appearance. She also wore a school uniform (similar to the white haired girl) and appeared to be as old and as tall as the lightning girl.

"I thought all humans drink it in their infancy." The Arbiter said as he finished his glass of milk.

"We all did," said the crimson haired teen. "it's just that they're not willing to drink it now."

Grif had the angriest look on his face. "_Human milk._" he growled. **"WHY IS IT HUMAN MILK?! **It could've been ANY KIND OF MILK! GOAT MILK! ELEPHANT MILK! But NO! It HAD to be HUMAN MILK!"

Tucker looked at the lightning girl and the crimson-haired teen, and just realized the size of their chests. "I hypothesize that the milk came from-"

"-No." Sarge facepalmed when he noticed Tucker's point. "It didn't come from them."

"All of this makes me think that the _Savannah _was actually owned by, like, the Cartel or something like that." suggested Donut.

"So you're saying," sighed Nicole, "that human milk is a DRUG?!"

"I never said that!" Donut cried, in defense. "I'm just saying that this ship might have been a drug exporter!"

Sarge spoke up. "If this was a Cartel ship, then how come we didn't find any meth yet? Where the Sam H-ll's all the weed and marijuana, huh? Also, Cartel ships don't carry only drugs. They carry the supplies necessary to defend them. Like the G3s and SKSs that we found. Therefore, your argument is invalid."

The gauntlet guy was slurping in profusions of the Miso Ramen. "THIS MISO RAMEN TASTES AWESOME! May you please pass me more of that tea?"

As 1337 passed him more tea, he sighed and rested his face in his hands.

"What's wrong?" asked the crimson haired girl.

"Nothing. it... it's just that I'm recalling on when I was 13 years old. I was just trying to do something when my 10 year old brother (who is the _filthiest _person on Earth) just barges in and messes up everything with his friend. I politely ask them to stop but they pretend not to do anything when _clearly _they are pissing me off. I kept politely asking them to please stop and let me continue what I was doing, but they just kept on persisting and pretending that they weren't doing anything. They made a bunch of noise and nearly woke up my sister, and then guess who comes in. My mom. All of a sudden, my brother and his friend just start spewing the worst, half-a*sed lies to my mom about how _I _was the one making all of the noise. And bam, my mom believes them without looking for proper closure. No more allowances. For ever. Hey, THEY started it, not me. Freaking obnoxious."

"Gee," admitted Grif, "that sucks. Being completely helpless and not being able to do convince your mom. I feel your pain, dude."

"Sounds like he was a bloody a**hole brother." said Soap.

"To say that would be a great understatement, my friend." 1337 declared. "Good thing I'm here, though. He's now working at a McDonalds. In Mexico."

Church snickered. "Serves him right. Turns out, karma is legit."

As the gauntlet guy took a sip from his tea, he noticed something tasted weird in it and cringed. "Uh, who made this tea?" he asked. "It tastes... weird."

Haruhi stood up. "Yes?"

Nicole chugged down her tea and also realized its peculiar taste. "Yeah, it tastes kind of... bland. What kind of tea did you use? Is it green tea, yellow tea-"

Caboose interrupted Nicole. "Yellow tea? Do you mean pee?" He took a sip of his tea and said, "It just tastes like hot water. Where are the teabags? I'm gonna teabag you!" Everybody in the room started to drink Haruhi's tea, and eventually it became evident for all of them. Haruhi's tea wasn't green tea, or yellow tea, or even tea. It was clearly hot water, just plain water.

"Uh, H-Haruhi? I think your tea is just... you know... hot water..." stuttered 1337, in fear for some unknown reason. "D-didn't your parents teach you how to make it properly?"

"Hot water?" The light they set up in the room suddenly failed right after Haruhi said this. "HOT WATER?!" She said this again, in an increasing tone of rage. Her eyes started emitting a red energy as she grew in anger. "DO YOU THINK MAKING TEA IS EASY?! ESPECIALLY IF THE CREW SKIMPED ON SUPPLIES?! Blame THEM!" Haruhi ran out of the room and slammed the door behind her.

"Eeeuuhhh..." said 1337, shaking incessantly. "...did I say something wrong?"

Grif facepalmed. "WELL, NICE GOIN'."

"Great bloody job, lad." Soap sarcastically congratulated and slurped up more of his Miso Ramen. "You do know what happened to all of her friends and her parents, right? My apologies. I never told you yet. But I think it's pretty obvious what happened to them. Maybe you should think before you say."

"How idiotic of me." 1337 mentally punched himself in the face for such an act. "Please excuse me, and I'd highly appreciate it if you watched my Miso Ramen and human milk." He dashed out of the room, leaving Sarge, Grif, Simmons, Donut, Nicole, Church, Soap, Doc, Tucker, Caboose, gauntlet guy, Asia, BHG (blue haired girl) lightning girl, WHG (white haired girl), and CHG (crimson haired girl).

"Yeah, moving on. How about we all exchange names so we don't call _you _gauntlet guy, and lightning girl, and other crap like that?" Church spoke up, shattering the silence.

The gauntlet guy jumped up and stood on the table and pointed to himself with pride, smiling. "MY NAME IS ISSEI HYOUDOU, EMPEROR OF THE WELSH RED DRAGON, DDRAIG!" He bowed to the Spartans. "It's a pleasure to meet all of you."

"Red Dragon? Ddraig?" Doc mumbled to himself.

Next to introduce himself/herself was the lightning girl. "I am Akeno Himejima. Nice meeting all of you and your coworkers!"

"COWORKERS?!" Tucker thought.

"As you all know," she smiled while holding up her hand, "I am the master of lightning." A blue bolt of lightning materialized _out of thin air _and dropped down into her hand. She whipped around and threw it out of the makeshift dining room formed from a car container. It flew to the ceiling, where it exploded and showered the entire hangar with sparks of electricity.

"And who are you?" Doc asked the white haired girl sitting next to him. She stared into his eyes and said ever-so-softly,

"Koneko. Koneko Toujou."

"I am Rias Gremory and she is Xenovia. It is a pleasure to meet all of you." said the red haired girl as she motioned to the BHG (blue haired girl). "We are all from Kuoh High School, and-"

"Hey," said Soap, "Haruhi is in high school too! Is it possible that you went to Kuoh Academy together, because you all look like you're from... like... a cartoon or something."

Simmons visorpalmed. "Soap, just because they look alike doesn't mean that they went to the same school together. Maybe it's the way they look, but that doesn't say anything about their relationships. Also, they have an anime appearance, not a 'cartoon' look."

"Oh yeah?" Issei growled. "All of _you _look like you're from a terribly made computer animation."

"Really?" shouted Church. "Well, f—k you very much too."

Meanwhile...

The Horseless Headless Junior had enough. It has been a few days now since the mercenaries and the mysterious 3 ran into Blu Base, and no activity has been reported since. He rested his axe on his shoulder, deep in thought and fantasizing him decapitating every single mercenary, the blade ripping through their tendons and muscles keeping their heads up.

"DIE, YOU HEADTAKING H*E!" screamed the Blu Soldier as he kicked the tsunami-proof blast doors down. He held a tan colored rocket launcher in one hand and a bloodstained, arm-length folding entrenchment shovel in the other. The shovel featured a flat, extremely sharp and durable blade for digging graves and killing the bodies that filled them. It was a great weapon, and the preferred melee weapon for Blu Soldier above any other. He sunk the blade in his pumpkin head with extreme power, cleaving out a nice chunk of it. "DEMO! Now's your turn!" he called to the Red Demoman, holding his over-under barrel grenade launcher in one hand and a Scottish claymore sword in the other, which he dropped so he could pick up his scrumpy bottle. Demoman took a long glug from his bottle and discharged a 40mm grenade, arcing as it raced through the air and landed snugly in the HHH's pumpkin head cleaved open. It exploded, vaporizing the orange head and releasing an ominous, purple gas and substance as the HHH slumped to the ground and laid there forever.

"WE DID IT, MATE!" cheered Demoman, high-fiving Blu Soldier. Isaac Clarke poked his head out from the Blu base.

"Ok, what's the plan again?" Isaac Clarke asked.

The Femscout's head appeared from the same place and sighed. "Ok," she reiterated, "Saxton Hale and his acquaintances will no doubt arrive here in a few minutes to check out what da h-ll happened here. As they locate Headless Hipless Hippie here and surround him to mourn and do all sortsa crap, we surround them and kick their a**es. Th' Heavies and Pyros will keep them forced behind whatever cover they have with their miniguns and flamethrowers, while the Snipers deliver fatal headshots from concealed positions. Meanwhile, the Soldiers, Demos, Spies, and Scouts will just go batsh-t crazy on them with our weapons. But the Medics and Engineers have the special job of supplying ammunition to the mercenaries so we don't run dry. We can set up hidden sentry guns, teleporters that lead back to base and the trap for easy ammo and health resupply, and dispensers for immediate ammo and health."

"Ok, let's DO THIS!" Isaac Clarke shouted and grabbed his Seeker Rifle. He had long lost the underbarrel telsa cannon, but he fitted a "Force Gun" in the same place the telsa was normally located. The Force Gun, which resembled a firearm of some sort due to its appearance, was originally intended for asteroid miners to push away incoming space debris. It fired compressed CO2 or O2, superheated by the plasma core built in the Force Gun. When the trigger was pulled, the compressed air would be released and have enough force to push an SUV up to 10 meters away. And since its ammunition was carbon dioxide and oxygen, asteroid miners could just channel their exhaled breath to the Force Gun. Isaac Clarke employed the Force Gun (underbarrel variant that strongly resembles a 21st century underbarrel grenade launcher, but with a futuristic appearance) to push away enemies so he could have more room to aim his rifle and shoot his attackers.

The other tsunami-proof blast door rolled up and Blu Scout, Red Soldier, Blu Pyro, Demopan, Red Heavy, Blu Engineer, Red Medic, Blu Sniper, and Blu Spy formed a long semicircle around the dispatched Horslesss Headless Horsemann Junior, each mercenary 10 meters away. Then Femscout, Blu Soldier, Red Pyro, Demoman, Blu Heavy, Red Engineer, Blu Medic, Red Sniper, and Red Spy formed another semicircle around the HHH Jr., forming a complete circle around the corpse. Red and Blu engineers set up two sentries; one level 3 sentry oscillating turret with a missile launcher and 2 miniguns, and one oscillating, rapid-fire, high caliber tripod-mounted minisentry that was the size of a small laptop.

Just as whoever thought up the plan has predicted, Saxton Hale and the other "freaks" arrived at the murder scene. The two sentries settled their lasers on Saxton Hale's head, then slowly moved them to the others'. All was going according to plan; the mercenaries were making no noise, and the worst thing that could possibly happen was if somebody sneezed. And guess what happened.

"Ahh... ahh... ACHOOO!" sneezed Red Sniper. Unknowingly, a small spider crept its way up his nose, brushing against his inner nose hairs. Now, your inner nose hairs aren't just there. They are actually sensors that alert your brain if there is something trying to invade your nose, and that "thing" could range from a tiny organism to, in this case, a spider. The brain then sends a message to... I don't know... and that part of your body makes you sneeze. Extremely loudly.


	23. The Plan-He is not DEAD

Chapter 23

_There are going to be a lot of meme references. Try to find them all!_

"Fan f—king tastic." mumbled Scout. The Red Heavy spun up his oversized, belt-fed minigun, and the Blu Heavy aimed his minigun modeled after an M249 SAW at Vagineer. Red Heavy's minigun was nicknamed "Sasha", and it fired ten thousand 20mm rounds per minute. It was Russian made, with excellent quality and it performed a little _too _well, for it had the ability to turn a human into red mist. His ammo belt was connected to a back pack he wore on his back, full of ammunition. But Blu Heavy's gun only shot 600 rounds per minute, and didn't need its barrel to be spun up because it only had ONE! It packed a greater kick (not punch, because saying punch would be an understatement) and, like Red Heavy, connected his bullet belt to his backpack, which housed the _entire _belt.

The suppression fire wouldn't be enough. What they needed was _more _suppression fire. Not with bullets, but with _fire_. Both Red and Blu Pyros had makeshift flamethrowers made only from spare gas pumps, car mufflers, exhaust pipes, fire extinguishers and stove top burners. They could spray up to 60 feet for 3 minutes if one held the trigger down, and one flamethrower's individual weight with the thrower itself and the compressed gas tank was ONLY 15 POUNDS, compared to the WW2 flamethrower, which is, like, 70 or 80 pounds. This meant that they could use it easily on the run.

Saxton Hale turned his head 180 degrees to face the Red Sniper, who was trying to aim his lever-action hunting rifle's crosshairs between his eyes. He squeezed the trigger, firing one .50 caliber bullet RIGHT BETWEEN HIS EYES, yet it just BOUNCED OFF his skin and left a solitary trickle of blood running down in between his face. The Blu Sniper popped out of the water and released the string on its compound bow. A hunting arrow, the kind used to kill elephants (do they even EXIST?!), embedded only a millimeter in his back. "WAS THAT ACUPUNCTURE?" shouted Saxton Hale. "OR AN ARROW IN MY BACK?!"

Red Soldier smiled. "Neither." Picking up a laser rocket launcher with red decorations, red sparks of electricity darting around it, and a tesla coil sticking out the end as the "barrel", he pulled the trigger and held it down, charging it up. When he let go, it unleashed a massive bolt of energy that zoomed through the air at an unJesusly speed, impacting Saxton Hale and illuminating the entire scene for five seconds. When the light dimmed, the bridge connecting the two bases was in tatters and flames. Some of Saxton Hale's skin was suffering from first-degree burns, and his hat was missing. Brutal Brian, the Astronaut, Vagineer, and Painis Cupcake were unharmed. "DOMINATED, BABLO BUGGINS!"

The Scout had an idea. He daringly rushed forward, risking his neck being snapped 1080 degrees by the Australian gone mad, but instead swung his aluminum bat spray painted blue to the arrow still embedded in his back, shoving it into his chest cavity, skewering his heart and left lung. It poked out of his chest, causing him to fall to his knees and sneeze out gallons of blood. The Femscout also leapt out and smashed in the Vagineer's skull with her spiked club. "Not so tough, are ya? ARE YA?!" she shouted to his corpse, brains splattered all over her skirt.

Painis Cupcake picked up Scout and Femscout, one in each hand, and tilted his head back so they could see his eyes creepily staring at them under his helmet. "I WILL EAT YOU!" he growled, and ripped off Scout's batting arm. He fainted from the immense pain as he set on it like a starving wolf. Femscout fumbled for her pistol and shot him in the head, but the bullet clanged off. She stuck it under his chin and fired again, which created a loud SPLAT. BUT HE WAS STILL ALIVE! Even though the .45 ACP bullet was bouncing off the interior of his brain case, damaging his cerebral cortex to the point of death, he still kept ripping off chunks of Scout's batting arm.

Blu Heavy roared and threw his flat-blade, sharpened frying pan like a Tomahawk at Painis Cupcake's neck. It was stuck 2 inches in, but he still continued his feast. Femscout couldn't get out of his powerful grip, but Demoman's smart thinking could. He opened his backpack and found a spare grenade for his grenade launcher, which he tossed to Femscout. She shoved the 40mm grenade in his mouth.

His teeth struck the grenade with enough force to create sparks.

The sparks rested on the 40mm grenade, heating it up.

The heat ignited the gunpowder.

The grenade exploded, and Femscout was showered in bits of brain, flesh, and bone. If she had any open wounds that came into contact with the remains, there was a good chance that she could get AIDS. Luckily, she didn't.

"I used my head..." Demoman chuckled, "...and blew up his."

Brutal Brian disappeared. Saxton Hale was unable to fight, and though the plan didn't go to as expected, the outcome was still effective, despite Scout's mauled arm and Femscout's need (not want) to take a shower.

"It's like Christmas morning."

Brutal Brian popped out with his javelin-shootin' javelin and used the scope to aim for Femscout's head, and fired.

A flag that read "BANG" popped out.

"And the name's Christian Brutal Sniper." said CBS as he walked up to a frightened Femscout unholstered his hidden revolver and shot her in the face. But for some reason, her body wasn't on the floor.

The body on the floor was Blu Sniper's.

A bullet hole was in its hood, blood and gray matter glazed around it.

(Why do I keep writing like this?)

Red Heavy ran up and Falcon Punched CBS on the head with brass knuckles, knocking his hat off and giving him hemorrhaging in the brain because of the punch's power amplified by the spiked brass knuckles. But Heavy wasn't done. He delivered punch after punch on his face, not just breaking his nose but also everything under his face. "NEVER. EVER. TOUCH MY TEAM!" yelled Red Heavy, who took out the modified AK-47 with a bayonet on his back. It was actually a semiautomatic 8-gauge shotgun that held 6 shells- the place where you normally inserted the ammunition clip was where you put in the shotgun shells and the barrel was modified to fit the 8-gauge shotshells. Red Heavy shot CBS with the barrel pressed up to his forehead, making it "asplode" like a potato in a microwave.

Underground base, a few days ago...

_(Some of the following dialogue was taken from the Wolfenstein: A Train to Berlin trailer.)_

"Ooooh, interesting."

Steve was being held up by 2 robot heavies. 2 o.W.n. Snipers were aiming their rifles at his head, 2 o.W.n. heavies with shotguns blocked the door, and one o.W.n. Pyro stood in the doorway, dual-wielding flare pistols and had a sledgehammer strapped on his back. 5 sentries, each with dual miniguns, were waiting out in the hallway to deter his escape. Walking around him, an o.W.n. Medic with a peaked cap decorated with a winged insignia, military night vision goggles covering his eyes, and an old fashioned smoking pipe observed Steve as he hung helplessly from his two arms.

"Tell me," said the o.W.n. Medic, "vat is your name?"

Steve smiled and uttered, "Kiss mah pixelated posterior!"

"Vhery well." the German sighed and held up his hand. An aura of a lustrous, black mist surrounded by similarly colored electricity, like what the medigun emitted, surrounded his black medical glove and flew to Steve's head. It electrocuted him senselessly, and his blocky hair was standing on its end as he spasmed. The Medic lowered his hand, stopping the flow of the black energy. Steve was left panting, with smoke rising from his hair, his cyan-colored t-shirt, and his purple pants. "Now vill you tell me?"

"It's Evets." panted Steve.

The Medic smiled. "Come, Steve. I zhink you may be a good candidate."

"C-candidate?" Steve gasped as the robots released him. "Candidate for what?"

"You'll see."

The Medic led him to a table near the door. _Light! Beautiful, beautiful LIGHT!_ Thought Steve. Right outside that door was the exit that led to a snowy pine forest, and he swore he could see a deer swiveling its head to Steve before it ran off. They both sat down, facing each other across the table. There was a loaded Luger PO8 pistol and a stack of cards lying on the table.

"I have a tesht I vould like to try on you." grinned the Medic. "It is a test used designed by me to determine if there is impure blood running through a person. Now, I am shure you vill pass this test vith flying colors... but _if _you don't..."

The Medic picked up the pistol, pulled the bolt, and aimed it at Steve.

"...I _vill _kill you."

In a place _incredibly _far away, both in time and space

Why had he survived?

He effortlessly pushed the armored car off of his chest. If it weren't for his modified Spartan-II Extra Vehicular Activity armor, or EVA armor, he would've experienced his guts flying out of his mouth. All of his AI fragments, the ones he had to kill his colleagues to obtain, were all destroyed in the fall. He only had one left... the AI fragment Sigma.

"Greetings..." greeted the floating hologram, showing a ghostly humanoid on fire.

…...

"...Meta."

He growled in response.

"How long has it been? Approximately 4 years since you fell. The date is April 24, 2557 and the time is exactly 6 o' clock AM. When you hit the floor, your armor automatically locked to prevent injury and went into stasis mode, keeping all of your bodily functions at minimum and reducing your need for food and water. As of today, Earth and her colonies' current status is unknown. We have no contact to the outside world whatsoever, and most of your armor and bodysuit's functions are permanently damaged. Only the energy shielding, oxygen recycling system, temperature regulation system, bacterial and viral protection system, and radiation protection system are active."

The Meta responded with something unintelligible, stood up, and jabbed a finger at the sky. A swirling, purple vortex was forming and sucking up the landscape.

"What is that purple thing in the sky? I do not know, but my best assumption is a spacetime rupture." said Sigma, calmly. "I advise you get as far away as possible from it." But it was too late; the Warthog smashed into the Meta, knocking him into the air. The spacetime vortex, now as large as the moon Luna, seemed to swallow up the entire landscape. The Meta flew right into a pine tree, and grabbed onto its trunk to prevent being swallowed. The entire tree was uprooted, and he witnessed the entire _lithosphere _being ripped off, revealing the interior of the artificial planet. He saw floating robots, the only remnants of the old race known as the _Forerunners_.

Hurtling through vast distances of time and space, the Meta's vision suddenly flashed white. The light instantly died down, revealing the Meta, still in his armor, which had somehow took on an odd appearance. It looked like it was... drawn... or styled after a... _gosh, what was it called again? _He thought. _Ah, yes, anime. The Japanese cartoon. My armor looks like it is from an anime._

Suddenly, he found himself falling.

The Meta, also known as Agent Maine, Freelancer Maine, or just "Maine", was going to die. He looked below him to find a city in ruins, buildings smoking, a metropolis in chaos.. It looked like Tokyo, Japan, yet EVERYTHING LOOKED ANIME-ISH?! EVERY SINGLE F—KIN' THING! _Seriously, what the f—k is goin' on?! _Agent Maine thought. He was a former Freelancer, an elite Spartan-II, the best of the awesomest, just like Agent Washington, Agent Carolina, and Agent Texas. Imagine: the strongest Freelancer, buried in a grave, with the tombstone reading: DEATH BY FALL. How absurd! Fall damage shouldn't be an inkling of a problem for the Spartan-II armor system, but he no longer had the advanced propulsion system, or "jet boots", as the marines called it.

Mains spotted a freeway elevated a few stories above the ground. One lane was clogged with twenty-first century trucks, cars, vans, and even a few tanks. He could see something moving about them, like a colony of ants. Except they weren't ants... they're too big for them. They are...

...humans...

One looked up at him right before he smashed right into the concrete of the deserted lane in the freeway. That one person was a twenty-year old woman, with dilated, faded pupils, grayish skin, deep gashes in the arms and torso, and a lump of flesh hanging from her mouth. Maine's brain (RHYME!) processed what he had just witnessed a centimeter away from the ground.

_No..._

And then all went black.

Later...

The Meta awoke.

Something was yanking and tugging at his armor. His helmet was locked on, luckily.

_What the h-ll?_

They were everywhere, trying to rip off his armor and fruitlessly attempting to bite through his bodysuit and/or try to find an opening in the armor. They failed to notice that Spartan powered assault armor was impenetrable, nor did it reveal any skin. They were... what were they? Sigma had mysteriously disappeared, and everything still looked like he was in animeland. _It must be my helmet. That's it. It HAS to be my helmet._ Agent Maine thought, about to go insane. But he had a problem...

...how was he going to get off? He didn't have any weapon on him; he lost his Brute Shot, the combat knife that he usually brought with him 24/7 when he had the armor on was missing, and his M6K pistol was still magnetically attached to his left thigh.

_Oh. _Maine thought as he got his M6AK pistol and placed the barrel under one of their chins. Nicknamed the "hand machinegun", the M6A pistol was a machine pistol that fired as fast as the Glock 18, had a 20 round magazine, and was chambered in 9x19 parabellum bullets. Pulling the trigger down all the way, the M6K pistol emptied its clip out in 2 seconds. All of the bullets ripped through its skull, generating enough force to completely disintegrate it and splash its brains all over the nearby people in range. But they weren't people.

_Zombies. _Agent Maine growled. _Motherf—kin' zombies._

He shoved the corpse missing most of its head off of him, and calmly walked his way through the undead, wailing crowd trying to feast on him. Jumping over the concrete barrier that divided the freeway into two, he reloaded his M6K and shot one of them in the head. Now what? He was in an overrun city, probably Japan, where all hell is still breaking loose. Walking over to the end of the freeway, he peered over the edge and witnessed World War Z, right in front of him. It was like a live panoramic video, displaying them shambling, slowly taking over the city as Japanese citizens ran away, screaming at the top of their lungs. He witnessed some helicopters zooming over his head and dropping useless explosives on the undead, ripping them apart but not damaging the brain at all. Policemen on the streets were engaged in combat with .38 caliber revolvers, Glocks, semiautomatic shotguns, and even one M16A3. They took down a good number of them before they depleted all of their ammo.

_YEP, they're f—ked._ Mentally sighed the Meta as they pulled the screaming policemen to their death. He could actually hear the ripping of flesh and the squishes of gray matter. It was like a zombie buffet, except that the room capacity was far from the maximum. They came in like a _wave, _feasting on the dead police officers. The Meta walked along the deserted lane, occasionally glancing at the other side of the freeway choked with stalled cars. Just as he turned his head away, the glint of something caught his eye.

He found the source of the light; a Hummer with a corpse in the driver seat, a hole through its head with maggots writhing through it. In the back seats and the trunks were boxes of cooking equipment, bedrolls, dried food, water canteens full of water, and other camping necessities. But what he was _really _interested in was what was in the driver's hand; a USP Match, .45 caliber, with one full clip. In the trunk, beneath the bedrolls, he discovered an assortment of various firearms: pistols, shotguns, rifles, submachine guns, scopes, and even a grenade launcher. He picked up a tactical Winchester 1894 Lever-Action rifle from the pile...

...and had an arm spasm. The arm released the firearm, which fell to the floor and misfired. A lone bullet struck the car engine, creating a spark and igniting the gas. Agent Maine realized with great horror that he was in entire _minefield. _The cars most likely still had some gas in them when they were abandoned, so if one car exploded, it could cause the others in its proximity to blow up, and it could go on as long as the snake of cars stretched...

The stocked car blew up like a mini nuke, flying 100 feet into the air while flaming. Picking up the Winchester and flipping the safety on, the Meta ran away as far as possible from the car choked lane. He observed the rifle in his hands, and discovered that it had a TR22 scope with a red dot sight on the top for close range encounters. To add to the level of bada—ery, there was a holographic ammo counter mounted on the side, which read 10. And topping it off was a detachable bayonet fixed under the barrel. This was the tacti-coolest weapon he had ever laid his eyes on.

Vrooooooo

_What the h-ll's that noise?_ Maine spun around to see a tiny speck in the lane he was on steadily growing bigger. He aimed his rifle at the speck and turned a knob on the scope, making it zoom in. The crosshairs were crudely drawn on with a whiteboard marker, but all he needed to do was find out what was approaching him. He rubbed the crosshairs off and aimed in the direction of the speck.

OooooOOOOOOO

_Ok, what's goin' on here... _What he saw through the scope was a Humvee with one-way windows, the kind you see in interrogation rooms. Not tinted windows, _one-way windows._ There was a purple-haired woman... or girl... wearing a white and green school uniform and standing on top with a sheathed katana in her hand. _Seriously? How does one just stand on top of a Humvee going at 70 miles per hour and NOT FALL OFF?! _As the Humvee approached, Maine had an idea. _It must be a mannequin bolted on. And why is it driving to me and swerving left and right?_

The "mannequin" on the Humvee raised her sword and pointed it at Maine. _Ok, it's not a mannequin. Hey, whoever's driving the Humvee,would you please... um... brake? Uh, I said brake. BRAKE. FREAKING BRAKE ALREADY, YOU CAN KILL SOMEBODY! COME ON! _And then Maine realized something. _Oh, wait... it's not like they can read my thoughts or anything._

Suddenly, the Humvee slowed down. _YES! _Maine thought as he ran as fast as he could to the vehicle. The person at the top jumped down and unsheathed the katana. _Oh, you're f—king kidding me. You want to fight me? Ok, bring it on and prepare to have a foot in your a-s in less than a second. _A fat guy emerged from the top of the car and aimed a rifle at the Meta, and he could see the red dot dancing around his helmet's visor. Not like it's going to stop him or anything, since outdated firearms shouldn't do much to his armor. Unless the rifle shot DMR 7.62x51mm bullets, he was A-ok.

He fired once, draining one-fourth of his shields. _Oh sh-t_, Maine said to himself mentally as he ran to the girl with the katana, _it DOES shoot DMR rounds._ Maine shoved her out of the way and Falcon kicked his rifle, an SR-25, in half, and aimed his M6K at his head. He growled, "You want to f—k up my sh-t, huh? Well, let me f—k up yours first."

"HELP!" cried the fat otaku.

"Is it a robot?" asked a pink haired, 7-year old, who poked her head out of the Humvee's sun roof.

_Did she just call me a robot? _Maine growled at the girl, causing her to yelp in fear and duck back down. He kicked the Humvee's front window hard enough to shatter it, grabbed a knife-shaped shard, and slowly cut his left palm. Blood trickled down his forearm, and he snarled "IS THIS ENOUGH PROOF FOR YOU?!"

"It growled! Is it a bear?" screeched a voice in the car. _Wow, they're as dumb as doorknobs._ Maine visorpalmed. A few years ago, when he was still a Freelancer, there was a freak accident during one of his missions. He got shot in the throat 8 times, and blammo. He lost his ability to speak normally and now he communicated with growls and snarls. Sigma was his "translator", but now that he lost him, he hoped they knew sign language.

Maine signed "Hello."

In response, the ninja girl held her katana to his neck, the otaku picked up a revolver from inside the car and aimed it at him, and some spiky, brown haired teenager aimed a shotgun at his head. For some reason, every single male main character in 90% of all anime and manga HAD to have spiky hair. He gestured, "I mean no harm."

"Why don'cha stop playin' with your f—kin' hands and actually SAY SOMETHING?!" commanded the spiky-haired guy. GREAT! None of them knew sign language, so flipping fingers around like Koko the Gorilla wasn't going to help at all. He raised both of his hands to show peace, and as a result they slowly lowered their hands. "What's wrong, lion ate your tongue?" asked the same spiky haired dude. _Uh, no, more like 8 bullets got my throat._ Sighed Maine mentally.

"W-Who are you?" asked the otaku. Obviously, everybody was uncomfortable with some armored, 8 foot 5 inch person staring down at them. "I-I'm Kohta H." Luckily for Maine, he remembered about his "Stephen Hawking box", a device built into his helmet that read his brainwaves and translated them into words and sounds, then projected them through his helmet's speaker. The only issue was that the "Stephen Hawking box" could read his thoughts as a side effect.

"AGENT MAINE, FORMER FREELANCER." said Maine's brainwave translator. "WHO ARE YOU?"

"Well, we're just former highschool studentsYOW!" yelped Kohta, whose ear got forcefully grabbed by an index finger and a thumb.

"You fat idiot!" chastised a female voice. "DON'T TELL HIM WHO WE ARE!" unfortunately, Maine's brainwave reader also picked up some of his thoughts.

"WHO IS THAT, YOUR MOM?" blared Agent Maine's brainwave reader. "G-MNIT. I DID NOT MEAN TO SAY... ER... THINK THAT." Everybody stared at him with a face. And it wasn't a happy face.

"Can you turn that thing down?" asked a girl sweetly, who popped her head out of the sun roof. She had two massive, pink ponytails and glasses. "BeCAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO ATTRACT THEM!" She pointed her middle finger down the freeway lane to an approaching mob of undead, moaning and holding their arms out. The undead snake stretched all the way to the inner city, where even more of them were congregating. Maine turned down his brainwave reader to a minimal volume, and commanded:

"Ok, I don't know why whoever is driving isn't, like, spamming the gas pedal. In a few minutes, we will all be the main menu on a buffet, so JUST DRIVE!" The Humvee lurched forwards and turned around, in the opposite direction of the undead mob. At the rate they were going, they would never catch up. However, there was one issue...

"LET'S HOPE THE HUMVEE IS FULL ON GAS." pleaded Maine.

Sputter

sputter

sputter

**engine dies**

"OH, REALLY?" shouted Maine's brainwave reader. "F—K. YOU. VERY. MUCH. TOO." He inspected the gas reserves, only to find that they were full. What was the issue? Exactly. The car engine just failed on them, robbing them of their precious time they could've used to escape and relocate. "Ok, walking time everybody." he commanded, clapping his hands. Everybody inside groaned and muttered some curse words, then stepped out, holding some guns, hand to hand weapons, ammunition, food, water, and clothing.

The first to step out was a blond woman probably 20 something years old, and next was the small 7-year old girl with pink, shoulder-length hair. Kohta stumbled out with the dual pink ponytail girl (let's just call her DPPG for now), cradling his SR-25 like a newborn baby. Finally, the purple haired girl with a katana walked out, followed by Mr. Spiky Hair, holding his shotgun, and a final girl came out. Let's just say that this girl was the first he had ever seen with ORANGE hair. Not blonde, ORANGE hair in a _very _long ponytail, with the rest running down her side.. Ok, maybe it was brown and orange. But who the heck cares.

Maine pointed to Mr. Spiky Hair. "YOU. WHAT IS YOUR NAME." he commanded. For some reason, the brainwave translator _always _spoke in a monotone voice. It NEVER showed emotion, so when you were crying (something that was nonexistent to Maine), it just sounded like "WAAAH. WAAAHHH."

"T-Takashi." said Mr. Spiky Hair.

Maine suddenly laughed for the first time in his entire life. "OH, HELLO T TAKASHI. FIRST NAME T, LAST NAME TAKASHI."

"It's Takashi-"

"HEY, ROLE CALL. T TAKASHI, ARE YOU HERE? Maybe a person who always calls you by your first name and adds Mr. or Ms. Will come meet you. HELLO, MR. T. ARE YOU FROM A-TEAM? AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE AFRICAN AMERICAN, NOT ASIAN? WHERE'S YOUR MOWHAWK? CAN I RIDE IN THE A-TEAM VAN?"

"IT'S F—KIN' TAKASHI! MY LAST NAME IS KOMURO!" Takashi yelled indignantly.

"Ok, Takashi K." sighed Agent Maine. "Hurry, tell me your first names so I don't have to give them to you myself."

"I am Saya Takagi, and this is Saeko." said the dual pink ponytail girl, who pointed to the purple haired, katana wielding bada**. There was a triangular fringe of purple hair that barely touched her nose, giving her a slight emo look.

"Hi, I'm Alice! It's a pleasure to meet you, Maine!" smiled the 7 year old girl. "I'm in second grade!" How exactly a 7 year old girl like her could survive hell broken loose was something Maine would never be able to fully "grasp" in his mind.

"Koninchiwa," greeted the blonde woman, "I am Shizuka, the group's nurse, and-"

Maine held up his hand.

Everything was silent, and for an unforeseen reason, the living dead focused their attention to something forming in the sky. Whatever it was, it was picking up fallen leaves and mutilated bodies from around the city, then lifting them into the sky. Forming a teardrop-shaped object in the sky, all of the bodies and dead leaves flew to something invisible a few hundred meters above the freeway. Suddenly, it shed all of its dead debris to uncover two dark stone pillars, swirling around each other to form two horns at the top. It was decorated with glowing red and white glyphs of an unknown language and was as tall as a redwood tree. Golden light began to materialize and swirl around it, followed by an extremely loud, foghorn-like sound (except that it was much deeper and ghastly sounding) and the golden light beaming up to the sky. The foghorn lasted for 5 seconds, which was enough to alert every

single

zombie

in Tokyo

of its position.

"WHAT WAS THAT?" whimpered Alice.

Maine shook his head. "I HAVE NO IDEA. MAYBE IT IS A SUMMONER, BECAUSE NOW WE'RE F—KED. EVERY SINGLE ONE IN THIS CITY IS CONVERGING ON OUR POSITION. GET IN THE CAR. NOW." The golden beam of light was still there, robbing the entire sky of its light and creating a yellow aura that swirled around the two pillars and shot up into the sky.

The Meta's visor flickered and played an ear raping screech at full volume through his helmet.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

The Meta roared in pain and clutched his helmet. Words flashed across his screen.

MAKE

US

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE


	24. Spartans versus the DEAD

Chapter 24

_(I'm sorry, but I realized I am introducing characters FAR TOO QUICKLY in this story. Did I say this already? **Also, please rate and review.**)_

"007, PLEASE REPORT TO LORD HOOD. IMMEDIATELY. NOT TOMORROW, NOW."

"AGH! I'll be right there, just hold on! The machine's almost done attaching the armor on- THERE!"

007\. Spartan-II 007, to be exact. He was the newest Spartan in the entire SPARTAN program and also the smartest. In fact, he was so smart the IQ tests had to throw in another 3 digits just to keep up. However, he was also known to be lazy at times and put off some things, such as CLEANING HIS WEAPONS (during a firefight, his DMR exploded in his face because there was a rock stuck in the gas tube). The team's heavy weapons guy, blade expert, and master engineer made him a valuable asset to any team. But now that he was the only Spartan-II who wasn't dead or missing available to the UNSC. And they were desperate.

"Uh, where is Lord Hood again?" Spartan 007 asked a marine walking by. "I mean, where is the... uh... meeting room?" It wasn't uncommon for a new Spartan to be asking directions in the ship they were on, the _UNSC INFINITY_. Considering its extremely large dimensions and maze-like corridors, getting lost was as easy as adding one and two. Most of its personnel knew the place inside-out and could give you a tour of the entire ship even if they were blindfolded, drunk and high on drugs at the same time.

The marine facepalmed. "It's right behind you." Spartan 007 turned around to face the entrance to a room that read in big, gold letters: **WAR ROOM**.

"Ah, I need to get my visor fixed! Thanks a lot!" he thanked as he dashed in the room. Inside was Miranda, the UNSC famous general who got shot in the back by the Prophet of Truth, Lord Hood, Project Freelancer's former Counselor, and Spartan-IV Sarah Palmer. "Hey, guys, so what's up?"

"You're the Chinese guy, right?" asked Sarah Palmer.

"Uh, yeah, why?" asked 007. "Is it because I'm the only Asian Spartan?"

Lord Hood sat down in his chair. "Actually, Spartan Lavernius Tucker is also Asian. Contrary to many beliefs, he's not African. He's Indian. But we're not here to discuss about races." He took a sip from his tasteless coffee. "We're here to discuss our... plans."

007 smiled beneath his visor. "Surely it couldn't be worse than Reach. So, what's the plan?"

Miranda spoke up. "As you all know, Earth and the colonies are currently falling victim to a series of space-time ruptures opening up and bringing death from other universes and dimensions." She held her hand out over the table and it projected a 3D render of a hotel in the shape of a perfect rectangle. "This is the so-called 'multiverse'." The 3D render turned into a 3D wireframe model and highlighted a room in the middle. "Our universe is _this _room in the middle. Now let's say each hotel door is the entrance to another universe, and the hallways help transport one universe's contents to another." In the model, all of the doors flew off their hinges and disintegrated. "This is the current state of the multiverse, and as you can see, it looks like it isn't in a very good condition. As long as the "doors" are open, the inevitable fate of our universe will be approaching."

"So the scientists who thought of the multiverse theory are correct." he thought. "But it's not like anybody remembers them. Wait, what is the objective of this mission?"

Lord Hood drank his Starbucks coffee. "That's where you come in. your objective, Spartan 007, is to find the source of these ruptures. Now, we know that there _must _be someone else... or something else... also looking for the source. But that does NOT mean we should sit and wait. We MUST act. Your secondary objective is to find the current status of Sierra 117, Sierra 1337, Sierra 458, Church, Caboose, Tucker, Sarge, Simmons, Grif, Donut, Doc, Agent Washington, and the Arbiter. First, we make a destination for the nearest space-time rupture. Finally, we send you in a drop pod through the rupture."

Spartan 007 nearly had a heart attack and laughed. "Oh my gosh, I thought you said you were going to SEND ME THROUGH THE RUPTURE?! ARE YOU OUT OF YA PEA PICKIN' MINDS?!"

Everybody in the room stared at him.

"We trust you." said the Counselor.

"Good luck!" waved Miranda as he left the room. "Don't forget to radio back every once in a while!" Spartan 007, also known as Spartan Spork (relating his number of skills to a spork's abilities to scoop and stab, not like he was complaining about it or anything) was prepared for this kind of scenario: you are dropped in an unknown place but have a variety of weapons to choose from. The question he was going to ask was: _WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO BRING?_

"Eh, I don't know." he shrugged, running into the massive armory room full of marines and Spartans loading up for missions. Spork grabbed a modified needler that fired needles at the speed of light, a USP Match .45 caliber with an inegral suppressor, an energy sword that featured Forerunner hardlight technology instead of just plasma blades, a combat knife with brass knuckles for a handle (it's not a trench knife), a Scottish claymore, one Spartan Laser, a rechargeable drop shield that healed everybody inside it, and last but not least...

...ammo.

The UNSC was testing out a new way to store ammo: the A.S.D. (ammo storage device), or a "magazine for magazines", as it was called by the Spartans and marines. What it was was a device that you attached to your thigh or chest, and it was basically a giant magazine that held ammo clips. It didn't have a case to surround it, so you just saw the frame and the spring. Spartan Spork attached an ammo clip magazine to the right side of his chest for holding his USP Match ammunition, and two to his left and right thighs to hold the rechargeable battery cells for the Spartan Laser. In all, he could hold 10 battery cells and 12 twelve bullet clips of .45 ACP bullets, or 144 bullets not including the ones already loaded. Weight shouldn't be much of a problem, because he could attach the knife to his left shoulder plate, the pistol to his right thigh, the needler to his left, the hardlight energy sword also on his right thigh, and he had a built-in scabbard for the claymore on his armor's back plate. He could just hold the Spartan Laser.

What armor did he choose? Spartan-II MLJONIR Mk. VII powered assault armor, like the rest of the Spartan-II's (including Haruhi and Soap). Spork's primary armor color was white with forest green designs and an emerald green visor, although his armor featured a system he invented himself that allowed the armor to change the way it reacted to light. To cut it short, the system could change the armor's color.

[SPORK'S ARMOR LOADOUT]

Helmet: Mark V variant

Torso: "War Master" variant

Left shoulder: Scout variant

Right shoulder: "Aviator" pilot variant

Forearms: "Contoured" variant

Shins/Legs: LG-50 "Bulk" variant (best looking armored shins of all time)

Visor: "Veredant" variant

Colors: White primary, forest green secondary

"Let's go." declared Spork. He stepped into the drop pod and sat down. The door swung shut as the heat shields were applied to its exterior so the inside wouldn't be hot as hell. "Are you sure this will work?"

"Trust me." reiterated Miranda Johnson for the fifth time. "Alright, dropping in 10 seconds. We will inform your next of kin if something goes wrong so-"

"It was nice meeting you... MirandAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" shrieked Spork. The drop pod got sucked out into the vacuum of space, where it redirected itself with its landing thrusters. A few kilometers away, the space-time portal was still swirling, and out floated human bodies. _Lots _of human bodies. "Uh, Miranda, if I'm going where those bodies came from, well... wouldn't you give me some advice on what to do?"

"Don't die." Miranda's response was shockingly concise.

007 visorpalmed. "Ok, well at least I have one tip now. Thanks for stating the blatant obvious, but I'm sure thaAAAAAAAAAUGH!" Once again, the drop pod activated its rear thrusters and boosted straight into the vortex, which was rapidly closing. A body with a partially disintegrated head exploded as it smashed into the drop pod, coating the viewport in crimson. Soon, there was an incessant thumping noise as the pod raced through a space cemetery.

"Look at some of the bodies. Try to find out how they died." advised Miranda. Spork caught a glimpse of a man dressed in a business suit. He was riddled with bite marks and was missing some of its torso, which led to the conjecture that his insides were forcefully pulled out. "Tell me, what do you see?"

Another carcass smashed into the viewport. Its face was completely gnawed off, and its brains were slowly oozing out of its eyes. "Uh, mutilated bodies that got eaten. Why?"

"Good luck." were the last words he would hear from her. The transmission was cut off as the drop pod disappeared in the vortex. Everywhere, all around him, the drop pod seemed to have simply disappeared, so as a result Spork was left hurtling through vast distances, yet all he could see was crimson and some dashes of purple. An explosion of white light blinded him for a few seconds, and his whole armor was now transformed. It looked like...

_What the monkey diarrhea? _He cried in his mind. _How on Earth is this possible...? Why does my armor look like it's from Dragonball Z? I mean... I mean... anime... am I insane? _A body collided with him at the speed of light, completely disintegrating into a splash of blood and some other remains. Another hit him. And another. And another. Suddenly, all of the crimson light was blocked out by millions of dead bodies.

_Death._

It was everywhere around him.

_Life._

He knew a lot of people who didn't have one.

He found himself falling through the sky.

Spork screamed, looking straight below him at a metropolis. _EVERYTHING _looked anime-ish, and so did his HUD. The date and time flashed across his screen, but blood blocked most of it out. The only part visible was the year.

2010 A.D., Tokyo, Japan, Earth.

Everywhere around him was chaos. Screams and gunshots lingered in the air, and the lurid sky was enough for Spork to understand that Tokyo was in a _very _bad shape right now. Perhaps if he found a fellow Spartan-II, his terribly day would instantly become a great one. Words flickered on his visor's HUD.

ONE SPARTAN-II CONFIRMED TO BE IN THE NEAR VICINITY.

AGENT MAINE.

_WELL, my terrible day just turned into a HORRIBLE day._ Spork tried to activate his parachute, but it was ripped into shreds. Ok, he was going a little too fast to survive the fall. In order to survive, he would need to land in water, something the powered assault armor could withstand. A normal human would be killed, but the Mljonir armor was _tough, _though it would create a large-a** splash and give away his position to the Meta.

Speaking of the Meta... what was he doing with 7 other people? For convenience, the powered assault armor had a built in heatbeat/infrared sensor to detect people through walls, far away, or even camouflaged. It's as if the armor had everything built in for conveni-

**crash**

Later...

_Ow..._ Spork's groin was exploding in pain. He had landed on a concrete barrier, completely turning it into dust. Hopefully, the armor's groin guard broke before his balls did. _Wait... where the heck am I?! _He sat up to find himself in the interior of a Humvee... staring straight into the Meta's visor. In a jiffy, he smashed open a window and lunged through it. The Humvee slowed down, and out came the Meta with a lever action rifle.

_GOODBYE, CRUEL WORLD! _Spork cringed and slapped at the Meta, who was standing over him. Stretching his hand, the confused Spork opened his eyes.

"I HAVE NO INTENTION TO KILL YOU." said Maine's brainwave translator. "I LOST ALL OF MY AI AND FREELANCER ARMOR ABILITIES. I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO RANDOMLY HUNT SPARTAN-IIS FOR." he hoisted Spork up. "COME. WE HAVE PEOPLE TO CLEAN UP. BUT FIRST, meet my friends." Agent Maine led him to the Humvee, with Alice looking out the window.

"Who are you?" Saeko leapt out, clutching her katana. "Let me repeat myself."

In the blink of an eye, the blade was against Spork's neck.

"WHO ARE YOU?"

Spork was also trained for this type of situation. However, he was already failing. Why? Well, for starters, he wasn't making eye contact with her. Instead, he was staring at her chest. "HEY, HER EYES ARE UP THERE." facepalmed Maine.

"Oh, yeah, sorry 'bout that." chuckled 007 nervously. "I AM SPARTAN DOUBLE O SEVEN. You may call me Spork. You may _not _call me James Bond, even though I am Spartan 007. Got it? I do not want to harm you and whoever else is in the car. Now, may you please put down that katana before I get my neck-"

Saeko lowered her katana. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Spartan Spork. My sword is a murata-tou, not a katana." she corrected.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's a katana. It's too long to be a Wakizashi and too short to be a Nodachi, so it's probably a katana." reasoned Spork. "It also has a curved blade and a moderate length, so I'd say that's a battle ready katana. Not a decorative dud."

"IT'S A MURATA-TOU!" called somebody from the Humvee. "AND GET IN THE HUMVEE! THEY'RE COMING!" Spork hauled a-s to the Humvee, followed by Maine and Saeko. The door slammed shut and zoomed off, leaving a thick trail of smoke. They were safe, but some of their opinions weren't.

"KATANA!"

"Murata-tou."

There was a heated battle in the Humvee stressing over Saeko's sword and what it was called. Saeko insisted it was called a Murata-tou, not a katana.

"Where's your _proof _that your sword is a Murata-Tou, NOT a katana?" argued Spork.

"This sword used to belong to the father of Takagi. He was deeply involved in Japan's politics, and considering his historical intelligence, I wouldn't question what he calls this sword." said Saeko. Just to make sure it wasn't a katana, Spartan Spork closely observed it and compared it side-by-side with his Scottish made claymore. Normally, a katana would be the same length of the claymore, except that Saeko's "Murata-Tou" was shorter. Too short to be called a katana, and too long to be a Wakizashi. It was probably a Murata-Tou, although he never heard of such a thing before.

"Alright, it's a Murata-Tou." sighed Spork. "But we can all agree that it's pretty effective on them."

Kohta's face told everybody in the Humvee he was _incredibly _agitated. Suddenly, he shouted "Japanese swords are INEFFICINT compared to guns!"

"Oh, really?" Spork raised an eyebrow. "So... do you have any proof concerning this topic?"

Kohta cleared his throat. "Well, if I correctly remember an episode on _Zombie go Boom,_ they tested out a katana... uh... Murata-Tou on a biologically accurate skull that had the exact density of a real human skull. After 3 slashes, the blade broke in two! I swear! But a gun on the other hand... your finger will break before _it _does. Also, what branch of military are you and Maine from? Are you from the Japanese Special Forces? American? And what kind of armor is that? I-"

"Fist of all, I watched that specific episode. They tested out a WALL HANGER KATANA on a ZGB "Ivan" head." declared 007. "Wall hanger katanas are specifically meant for decoration ONLY, because they have crappy stainless steel instead of what they use to create _real _swords. If what you said applied to _all _Japanese swords, of all quality, there is a good chance that Saeko wouldn't be here right now. Also, you said Japanese swords don't live up the reputation to slice n' dice for a long time, right?"

"Yes."

"Well, I have an interest in Asian swords, but what about a _Scottish _sword?"

Kohta's face turned pale. "W-what?"

Spork showed Kohta his 4 foot long Scottish-made claymore, hand-forged in Edinburgh, Scotland, and the manufacture date was 1926 (when they produced the best golf clubs and swords). "This, my friend, is a Scottish made claymore from Edinburgh. Made specifically for heavy-duty action, I'm pretty sure it will snap in half a few thousand years after my back does."

Kohta seemed impressed. "What about fighting indoors?"

"Good question!" Spork mounted the claymore on his back and took out his energy sword hilt, then activated it. "Do you know what this is?"

"A-a-a lightsaber?" stuttered Kohta. Everybody in the Humvee was gaping in awe at the energy sword, which had a golden hue instead of the normal blue, red, and green.

Spork laughed. "No, not really. This is an energy sword, made by the Covenant specifically to disembowel humans and decapitate them. It cuts through concrete like air and can deflect bullets, depending on your speed and reflexes. Featuring Forerunner hardlight technology and Covenant-made hardened plasma, it is the ULTIMATE undead cleanup weapon. For extreme close combat, the two blades are as long as machetes. But for added force, the hilt can materialize a handle between the two blades so you can grab it and swish it all over the place like a battleaxe. I wish I had a lightsaber though. And to answer your question, I work for the Chinese section of the United Nations. Maine doesn't work for anybody."

Alice was slowly forming a big smile on her face. "I have _no idea _what you just said, but it was AWESOME! My name is Alice, what's yours?"

"I AM SPARTAN 007! But you can just call me Spork." shouted 007. "And no, I am not James Bond."

"How do we know we can trust you?" questioned Saya in an intimidating way. "How do we know that you aren't bandits?"

Spork was apalled. "BANDITS? I would never be such a person! By the way, who are you guys.

"I WAS, THOUGH." admitted Maine though his brainwave reader. The barrel of an Ithaca 37 shotgun was suddenly pressed up his chin. "OOPS. MY BAD. I said I WAS a bandit. Spork, meet Saya, Shizuka, Saeko AKA the bada** swordswoman, Takashi, Rei M, Kohta H, Alice the seven year old, and the dog Zeke. They are all from high school-"

"-except for Alice and Zeke." added Takashi.

"REALLY? WELL, NO SH-T." joked Maine. "Where are we headed?"

Shizuka poked her head around the driver seat's headrest. "Didn't we tell you already? My friend Reika's apartment. Yes, before any of you start making complaints, we're going back to her apartment because she-"

Spork sneezed blood all over his visor. "WHAT? ARE YOU INSANE?! Going back to the metropolis would be suicide! First of all, since there were a lot of people living in the city, there's a good chance that most of them are in the swelling ranks of the undead, which means a higher risk of being eaten alive. If we make a noise, one of them makes its signature moans, which alerts another. _That _one moans, alerting others around it. If there are enough of them within range of each other, we could find ourselves BESEIGED by over a million zombies. Also consider the chance of being trapped, getting caught in a military bombing party, and we are as good as dead staying in the urban area. Our best bet of survival is stocking the top floors of a hotel with supplies and destroying the staircase and elevator, fortifying ourselves in Alcatraz, going all the way to Europe and finding a siege-proof castle, living in the Himalayas, taking residence in an oil rig, or go find a helium blimp."

The Humvee swerved around and headed straight for the urban zone. "Hotel it is!" squealed Shizuka. "I'll never take a shower, warm meals, and clean bras that actually fit me for granted... EVER!"

The next day...

_WHAT TIME IS IT?! _Sarge jolted awake in his new, roofless, moderately sized room made from crates. The bed he was in was just a matress and a Spider Man blanket. Before he could begin his daily morning exercise and stretching, he had to deactivate the alarm built into his helmet, which was right next to him. He attempted to move his left hand to stop its incessant beeping, but it was stuck. _Huh? Why does my pillow have crimson hair-_

_-OH MY LORD._

Kicking off his covers, he somersaulted and had a mini heart attack. _No, what is she doing here? What? Normally, the person next to me when I wake up would be my wife, but HER?_

"Hey, Sarge, it's time to wake up. I thought you were normally the person whoOH MY GIZZARD!" yelled 1337 as he walked in the room, waking everybody up. Apparently and unknowingly to Sarge, Rias just decided to use his left arm as a pillow.

Tucker walked past and briefly looked in. He rubbed his eyes for a second and had a cardiac arrest, choked on his saliva, and broke his eyes from widening in surprise. "T-this isn't what it seems like, privates..." stuttered Sarge. "...it's all just a good m-misunderstandin'..."

"Oh, REALLY?" Nicole stood in the doorway, crossing her arms and raising an eyebrow. "How can you prove that?" Rias slowly woke up and looked at all of the commotion commencing.

"Lady Rias!" cried Sarge. "Put some clothes on, for your health's sake and my reputation as well! YOU GUYS SAW NOTHING! NOTHING, I SAY!" All of the noise pollution finally woke up Grif in his room identical to Sarge's. Weirdly enough, he was unusually warm despite the fact that he had no blanket and the air conditioning in the room that couldn't be turned off. Nor could he lift his arms, see anything, and hold back a sneeze that was welling up because of something ticking his nose.

"AURGHCHEW!" sneezed Grif and throwing his head up. Whatever was blocking his sight was thrown off, which was revealed to be black hair belonging to Akeno, who was also clinging to his arm. Just then, Soap casually walked in to wake him up and get a nice big surprise. Grif looked to who was next to him and instantly had a nose explosion of blood, spraying it all over the ceiling.

Later...

"Breakfast time!" Haruhi cheerfully announced as she brought in stacks of strawberry waffles and cups of orange juice to the drowsy band of Spartans, bantering over recent events. Sarge and Grif were speechless, lost in the zone of thought and drooling a river. "We have strawberry waffles, Cinnamon Toast Crunch (the essence of life), and orange juice. More's comin' right up!"

"AUGH! Let me help!" cried 1337, who _had _to help every single female with whatever they were doing. He brought out the Cinnamon Toast Crunch and served it to Caboose, Simmons, and Soap. "Grif, why the heck are you drooling so much?"

Grif snapped out of his fantasies. "Ah, nothing. I'm just waiting for the strawberry waffles."

"OH SURE..." sighed Haruhi. "...of course you would be thinking of breakfast..."

"You're making a disturbing face, Grif." whispered Koneko.

"What? Can you say that again?" asked Grif. His reply was a sincere smash in the balls from Koneko's fist.

"She can read your thoughts, dude." said Issei as he shoveled Cinnamon Toast Crunch in his mouth. "You'll get used to it. I did."

"So, changing topic. How's the weather?" asked Simmons. Church's hologram threw his arms up in the air, then attempted to slap Simmons. "What's the matter?"

"Well," said Church, "I'd just like to point out how UNORIGINAL your question is. You could've asked what the heck is going on, and how we are going to deal with our dwindling food and ammo supply. You could've asked who you voted for in the upcoming elections on the Mars colonies. You could've asked where Master Chief is. But _no, _you _had _to ask what the weather is like."

"Oh, SUKKIT blue!" shouted Simmons as he gave Church the one finger salute, aka the bird.

Tucker shot Simmons a look. "Hey, f—k you, reds!"

"Geez, so much aggression! Can't we fight... uh... non-violently?" reasoned Doc. "Come on, we don't want to start another war, do we? Come on, just arm wrestle or somethin-" a SLAM echoed through the hangar as Sarge slammed his elbow on the table.

"If you want to arm wrestle _me, _make sure you have a spare arm." warned Sarge. Haruhi jumped over the table and faced Sarge.

"I'll do it!" As soon as everybody's brains processed what they heard, their eyes broke

from

widening

in

surprise.

The epic battle of the interlocked fingers began. Sarge was strong, but one thing he refused to believe was that Haruhi was _stronger. _When she went into the machine, the overclocker accidentally activated, giving Haruhi the uber strength augmentation. Veins popped, sweat broke out like 1980s bowl haircuts, and more eyes broke. So far, there was a tie. Haruhi briefly looked at Sarge, who slowly returned the gaze.

For a second, Sarge swore he saw something that made his hair turn white. Forever. When Haruhi looked at him, she smiled. That smile slowly turned into a large mouth full of razor sharp teeth, like the screaming person in the painting _The Scream._ All of the Spartans' eyes exploded, leaving holes in their place as their faces melted off. No longer the cheerful teenager, Haruhi leapt forwards and ripped out his jugular.

"AAAHHHHH!" Sarge awoke (for real), and was panting as fast as an SS77 machine gun. _A dream, _he thought as he closed his eyes, _it was all a dream._

"Good morning." said a familiar female voice to the left of him. Sarge slammed his eyes shut and slowly turned his head to the direction of the voice. When he opened them, he saw the crimson hair.

_Ooohhhh crap._

L8er...

1337 walked in, holding a tray of the breakfast in one hand and Haruhi in the other, who in turn was also holding their morning food. "Ok, for today we have Belgian Waffle MREs and... coffee! Lots of it! Drink all you want, we'll refill it for free!" He gave each person sitting at the table one Belgian Waffle and a cup of coffee. Simmons took a drink and choked on it, spitting it out in his cup.

"Sorry, but I'm not a fan of black coffee." he apologized, wiping his mouth.

Tucker stared at Simmons with a twitching eye. "RACIST! Do you know what I went through to get THIS COFFEE?! I had to fight over one hundred of those things-"

Somebody faked a cough in the room. "Ehembullsh-tehem."

"Changing topic!" Doc blurted, trying to evade an argument from erputing. "So, would Akeno-Chan kindly explain how she can shoot lightning from her hand like Percy Jackson, why Koneko has the strength of a Hunter, and what the gauntlet thing on Issei's left hand is?"

Akeno looked at Rias, who nodded. "Ah, we're sorry for not telling you earlier. We're demons." Grif, who was drinking his coffee, spewed it out like a whale all over his cup.

"I'm sorry, did I hear you correctly?" coughed Grif. Rias lifted her right hand, and a red circle of an unknown substance appeared around it and glowed. It was decorated with designs and had a rose in the center. The circle of red light disappeared as Rias lowered her hand.

"Is that enough proof for you?" she smiled. Church gasped, and Tucker, Simmons, Grif, and Soap fell over in their chairs. Soap was the first to get up, who walked backwards until he hit the wall and holding his hands up.

"Pleasedon'tsendmetohell!" cried Grif. "Ipromisenottosinanymore!"

"DITTO!" Tucker declared. "From now on, I will become a believer of our lord and savior... JESUS!"

Issei LOL'd so hard he snorted some coffee out of his nose. Rias smiled and assured the group, "Do not worry. We are not here to condemn you to the underworld or make you drown in the lake of fire."

"Say, where's Kiba?" Issei got up and looked around frantically. "H-he was with us when he traveled through the vortex, right?" Suddenly, he spun around, grabbed Caboose's pistol, and steadied the red dot on Sarge's forehead. "WHERE IS KIBA?!"

"Issei-San, please calm down!" cried Asia.

"Issei, please-" pleaded Akeno, but was interrupted by Soap.

"Who the h-ll is Yuuto?" Soap asked. "Is he the odd-looking blond bloke with a bloody 3 foot long sword?" The dot from the pistol now rested on Soap's nose and slowly moved from his forehead to the area between his eyes.

"You," demanded Issei, "do you know where he is?! Where was he? Are you holding him hostage?" The red circle, identical to the one Rias created, formed on the wall and expanded to the size of a stove. Out flew a screeching blond haired teenager with a sword on his back. He wore a black school uniform and socks with sandals, the only things visible when he was stuck in the wall in the makeshift dining room.

"He volunteered to hold them off when we were escaping from Kuoh Academy when all chaos came forth." explained Rias. "But it seems that Ise-Kun has forgotten." Slowly, Issei set the pistol down on the table and resumed his breakfast.

"Uh.. sorry." apologized Issei. "Forgive and forget." Doc got up and pulled Kiba out of the wall, who fell back from disorientation and landed on the floor. OUT COLD INSTANTANEOUSLY.

"Movin' right on! Apology accepted, Mr. Hyoudou." said Sarge. "Say, what was life like before all of this started happening?"

"I was living the _life!_" Issei smiled, recalling his memories only days before the incident. "We're all from Kuoh Academy High School, formerly an all-girl school but recently changed its policy. So Yuuto and I are only a few of the handful of male students. The ratio from females to males is 6:1 (6 girls for every one boy), which is _pretty extreme _for us. Speaking of females... the chicks at the academy's Kendo Club have- AUGH!" A boot from Koneko smashed on his groin, silencing him.

"What time is it? Like, what's the year?" asked Haruhi. "It's probably not the twenty-first century anymore because of the armor you're wearing and how large this spaceship is."

"It is the year 2557 CE." replied Church. Issei's jaw dropped and it the floor in awe.

"NO WAY! DO THEY HAVE FLYING CARS?! CAN THOSE HELMETS SEE THROUGH CLOTH!?" he demanded, still writhing in pain.

Doc answered, "No. They are impractical."

"Uh, Iccei, why don't you go in Sarge's machine thingy and get some armor so your nonosquare won't hurt as much when she hits it?" Caboose suggested.

"I believe it is Issei, not Iccei." corrected Simmons. "Hey, that's a great idea? Why don't you go in the machine and get some bada** armor like ours?"

Issei shoved his waffles in his mouth and shouted: "F—K YEAH! I could get some super cool armor combination with my balance breaker! Ddraig, what do you think?" The gauntlet on his arm glowed as it spoke.

"I think it will look awesome as much as you do." said the gauntlet.

"Whoa, what the h-ll?" Grif stood up and jabbed a shaky finger at it. "IT TALKS?!"

The gauntlet responded, "I am Ddraig, the red Welsh dragon emperor residing in my host in the form of a forbidden gear. In return for a portion of my host's body, I grant him or her extreme power depending on his or her physical and mental strength. The only reason Issei has won every battle is because perverted thoughts fuel him to the point of defeating my rival, Albion (English white dragon)."

"AWE-FREAKING-SOME!" 1337 choked out, a wad of Belgian Waffles stuck in his throat. "When you're done, follow me to the machine." Issei held up his armored hand and yelled,

"BOOST TIMES FIVE!"

"BOOST BOOST BOOST BOOST BOOST!" responded the gauntlet. It glowed a deep green color and shoveled bites of the waffle into his mouth as fast as a Hummingbird's wings beat every second (100). In a jiffy, he was finished with his waffles. The coffee evaporated into a mist and flew down his throat.

Church's eyes broke. "DAAAAAA-MN!"


	25. Survival of the D34D

Chapter 25

A few days ago...

So far, he was passing the test.

If he was failing, he would already have a hole in his forehead.

The test was multiple-choice; the Medic would place two cards down on the table, each with an image of something. He would ask questions like "which card is appealing to your eye?", or "which card represents love to you?", and other freaky sh-t like that. There were only two cards left, one with a picture of skulls and another showing a Jewish person.

"Tell me, which one disgusts you the most?" asked the Medic. _Okay, this freak is obviously a Nazi. _Steve said to himself. As he reached to tap the skulls card, the Nazi Medic's arm shot forwards and grabbed Steve's pixelated arm. "I forgot to tell you, this is ze _last _card." he warned. "Wählen Sie mit Bedacht." (Choose wisely) _My gosh,_ thought the pixelated hero, _what should I choose? There's a chance that this guy is just an anti-racist, so if I choose the Jewish person, he might shoot me. On the other hand, he may be a Nazi, so picking the card with skulls on it may get me killed. Hmmm..._

Adrenaline caused his eyes to figuratively implode and his very arms move at the speed of light as he grabbed the pistol and aimed it at the Medic's head, but IT HAD NO SIGHTS! One second was all it took for one of the guards to shove the Medic out of the way and take Steve's shot. The guard's head popped like a water balloon and wet brains coated Steve and the table. _Alright, now's my chance to get the heck outta this Christ-compelled Nazi place! _A robot soldier barged in the room and used its rocket launcher to fire a rocket propelled grenade at Steve, which he matrix dodged. It struck the wall and blew a sizable hole in it, one big enough for an elephant to walk through. Bullets ripped though the air in the direction of the hole, where Steve was running to.

Outside was a snowy pine forest. "What the heck?" Steve cried. "Wasn't there a desert with a dam here?" Unless this compound was situated under two different biomes and extremely large, Steve could only believe that he was moved to a different base.

"WHERE IS HE?! IN THE FOREST OR DESERT SECTOR?!" demanded a Scottish voice inside. Steve had just escaped from the same base, but without any way to go back to 2Fort, New Mexico, he was going to be stuck in Bellevue, Washington that apparently had a desert. Since he was from Northern Europe, he figured he could survive in the forest.

Or so he thought.

A deer emerged from the forest and bent down to eat something. It looked at Steve _with its two heads. _One was normal, but the other one was coated in blood, mauled, and had 5 rows of energy sword-sharp teeth, with a human spinal cord dangling from it. The deer ran back into the forest, followed by an inhumane, bone-chilling howl that sounded like it came from a monster wolf.

_NOPE. _Steve thought, and ran back inside the base. If he could make his way past the o.W.n. Mercs, maybe he could escape.

_Maybe..._

On the top of a skyscraper in Tokyo, Japan...

"Well, thank god the elevator still works." remarked Spork.

"What was the plan again?" Kohta asked, adjusting his glasses.

The Meta facepalmed. "Spork's plan is to make as much noise as possible to attract all the zombies in that hotel so they come for us. But because they don't have the brains to make their way down and back up here, they all go for the top floor via stairs, walk in our direction, and fall off, teetering to their undeath. As a result, the hotel will be clean of zombies so we can easily infiltrate it, demolish the staircase, and stock the upmost floor."

"Why can't we use this skyscraper instead?" complained Shizuka. "I'm TIRED!"

Spork explained, "Do you expect to find a shower room, food, and water in a business building? I'm pretty sure the hotel has some of those, don't you think? Plus, the hotel is taller than this building so they will need a crap ton of undead to 'ramp up' to our safe haven, and bandits won't detect and get to us easily."

"Yeah, did you even thing of how we're gonna get there?" retorted Saya. A light bulb flickered to life in Spork's creative mind.

He smiled and said, "Why, we're gonna use ROCKET BOOSTAS!" For convenience, Spork's powered assault armor, the latest version, featured gravity propulsion systems on the boots that could carry up to 5 tons of equipment. They were commonly referred to as "rocket boosters", despite the obvious fact that no rockets were present on the system. Unholstering his USP Match and removing the silencer, he shot 3 bullets into the floor. Living dead, hundreds of them, worked their way to the top of the hotel and fell over the side. Splatting noises filled the air instead of moans.

Takashi got into the act and fired his shotgun, an Ithaca 37 with a red dot sight, into the floor as well. _Even more_ of them toppled over the side and landed on their fragile craniums, permanently painting the floor a mixture of pink, gray, and dark red. The plan was working miraculously, except...

"...what about the undead who lost their limbs and can't walk?" Saya's words gave Spork a heart attack. He never even considered what the cleanup plan would be, but surely it wouldn't be that hard. He could just go with Maine on a stomping spree, and afterwards a great mopping crusade.

"We'll think about it." Spork assured as he picked up Alice and Saeko, each in one hand. As he held onto them tightly, he jumped off the skyscraper and soon emerged, flying up alongside the height of the hotel and dropped both of them off at the roof. He repeated this with Rei, Takashi, Zeke the puppy, Kohta, and Saya. Shizuka had to be carried separately because of her weight, not because she was fat (Takashi and Kohta believed she was a former supermodel before she became a school nurse), but because of her chest's size. The Meta, however, had MK. VI powered assault armor, not MK. VII, so the armor weighed more than a thousand pounds.

Agent Maine walked backwards until he was about to fall of the skyscraper. He ran forwards at the speed of a roadrunner and used his momentum to leap off and soar through the air. Nearing the edge of the hotel, he realized he was instead going to smash through one of the windows on the top, and that was if _he was lucky. _There was the greater chance of hitting the side and falling to his death, but instead he faceplanted on the edge of the roof and got his forearm gripped by Spork. Unfortunately, Maine's weight also brought Spork over the edge, even when Takashi gripped his shin and dug his heels into the floor. Kohta pulled on Takashi's shoulders to prevent the three from falling off, but it did nothing to stop. Spork's gravity thrusters were malfunctioning, Alice, Shizuka, Saeko, Saya, and Rei tried to pull all of them back on, yet all of their combined efforts was only enough to keep Rei, Saya, Shizuka, Alice and Saeko still on the top.

"Let go." ordered Spork.

Takashi's eyes widened. "W-why? No way!" Spork kicked Takashi's hand, forcing him to let go of Spork and the Meta. The ladies pulled Kohta and Takashi up, who kept staring down at Maine and Spork, free falling with a purple aura surrounding Spork's boots.

_Why, you son of a gun. _Takashi mentally groaned. Suddenly, Spork raced up with the Meta holding on to his feet, which were emitting a magenta glow. "Thought I was gonna die?" He snickered. "Well, NOT TODAY!" Spartan 007 tossed the Meta onto the roof then landed on it, safe and sound. "Those gravity boots sure are convenient! Alright, who's ready for-"

"YOU ARE ONE CRAZY A** MOFO." remarked Agent Maine through his brainwave reader.

"As I was saying..." chuckled 007, "who's ready for mine disposal?"

"This hotel is MINED?!" cried Rei, frantically looking all over the ground.

Facepalming, Spork elaborated, "By 'mine disposal', I am referring to how the undead have to crawl around to move, and if you step on them you could have a missing foot. Hence the term 'mine disposal', if there are any to be disposed of. Another thing to be taken into account are living dead behind locked hotel doors; people who suffered from bites, locked their hotel doors, succumbed to their wounds and reanimated." He unsheathed his Scottish claymore and asked, "Any volunteers?"

Nobody was willing to go on a mine cleanup after they poured all their energy trying to pull themselves up from falling off of the hotel.

"Alright, I'll be right back in a few minutes. Holler if anything goes awry!" He called back as he kicked open the door leading to the roof access and worked his way down.

Alice crossed her shaking legs and shouted, "HOLLER!" 007 poked his head out.

"Yes?"

"I really need to use the bathroom!" she whined, collapsing to the floor. _Oh, crap, better haul._ Spork thought as he disappeared down the staircase.

There was no light. At all. Windows were boarded shut by people who thought they could fly. Luckilyhe had lights built into his helmet. He turned both of them on to reveal perfectly clean walls and doors, with only minute amounts of blood on the walls. Doors were caved in. Spork hurriedly made his way to the staircase, kicked open the door, and took out his Spartan Laser: a 67 pound, shoulder-fired beast that could obliterate tanks in one shot. It was essentially an up-scaled laser that had virtually infinite range that had to be charged each shot to unleash the red burst of doom.

On the side, a tiny screen flipped out that helped target the... target. In this case, it was the staircase (RHYME SPREE!). Spork charged it up and f—ked it up (RHYMETACULAR!). It performed a little _too _well, burning through all the floors and taking out the staircases below them as well. It left only holes between the floors, so all they could do was fall through and cry some more (If you're confused, the Spartan Laser completely demolished the staircase so it left a hole leading to the floor below it, so it was impossible for the undead to reach the floor above them, A.K.A. the floor that's going to be turned into a base. If they tried, they would fall through the hole). Next up was to cut the wires and cables on the elevators, then use the claymore to be a decapitator.

Here was the routine: kick open a door and decapitate any of them inside. Yet there weren't any at all. Most of the food and water was taken, and no weapons of any kind were available. Either everybody was evacuated, or they all went crashing out of the windows.

Except for one.

A five-year old zombie pounced on Spork as he kicked the last door open. It was on top of him as it uselessly clawed at 007's helmet, reaching for the USP on his side. "YAAH!" shouted Spork as he aligned the barrel under her chin and fired. Surprisingly, its head didn't explode, nor did the bullet make its way completely through the skull. Just to make sure it was dead, he got his combat knife and smashed the blade through her skull. If any others heard, the floor would've been full of moans that never came. "It's safe!" he called as he dragged the body to a boarded window, tore the barricades off, opened it, and inserted the slain beast through the hole.

Rei was the first to enter. "Do you think anybody will find the car?"

"I HIGHLY DOUBT IT." Maine was next. "EVEN IF THEY FIND IT, THEY CANNOT USE IT UNLESS THEY HAVE THE KEYS." He led Alice into a room and closed the door as he left, allowing her to go in the bathroom and relieve herself.

"RUNNING WATER!" Alice exclaimed from the bathroom. "AND SOAP!" A few seconds later, she ran out, holding unused toothbrushes still in their packaging with wet, soapy hands.

"Wow, that was fast." remarked 007. "Did you wash your hands properly?" Alice disappeared into the room and came back with dry hands that she presented to Spork. "Ok, good. AND THIS DOESN'T APPLY JUST TO HER!" He shouted to Kohta and Takashi running down the stairs.

"Why are you telling me?" Takashi and Kohta asked in unison.

"Your hands could have the fluid of the undead on them, and we don't want it to go on our food." Spartan Spork walked into another room to see if the water was running. When he turned on the sink faucet, blood spewed out of it. "NOPE." He uttered, and went into the next room and repeated the action. Blood didn't splash out; pus did. "EEEUGH!" shrieked Spork, and tried the next room. And the next. And the entire floor. It turns out Alice's room was the only one that featured sanitized, running water instead of pus and blood.

"I think we're gonna have to take turns showering separately." declared Spork.

"W-why not together?" Shizuka whined. "Wouldn't it save more water?"

"Be-CAUSE..." explained Spork, "the UNSC could be monitoring whatever I'm seeing, not hearing, through my visor and they might think I'm raping you or something. And where I come from, rapists are sentenced to death by firing squad."

Alice was curious. "What's rape?"

"Something bad." Spork quickly replied. "Just don't go around saying it."

"Is it a bad word?"

The Meta replied, "DO NOT EXPOSE A YOUNG CHILD TO THIS." Shizuka ran down the stairs and barged in.

"WHAT TIME IS IT?!" She demanded frantically.

"Lunch time? I could eat a fried Hunter." remarked Spork.

"What's a Hunter?" asked Alice. "Do you mean a person who-"

"Where I come from," 007 said, "a Hunter is a species in the Covenant army, a collection of aliens whose purpose is to eliminate humanity. It is in green or blue armor, has a shield and a strict set of rules like the Bushido code, and is actually a colony of wormlike organisms. They're 12 feet tall. I found some Persian and Greek food that can feed us for 3 days."

"How do we cook it?" asked Takashi.

"Uh oh." was the response.

Teufort, present time...

"NEED A DISPENSER 'ERE! NEEDADISPENSAHEER! NHEADADHYSPENCURHEAR!" came the Femscout's incessant demands for a dispenser in the near vicinity. After Blu Sniper's death, the team tried to find out what it was by pulling off its hood, removing the virtual reality visor, and removing the veil. All attempts were met with failure, so the team decided to bury it, say their prayers, and move on. But there wasn't really anything else to do. Why? First of all, the zombies and headcrab zombies were keeping them from escaping 2Fort. Using the remains of Red base, the mercenaries created new defenses to completely surround the base with impenetrable walls. The canals, however, couldn't have their floodgates raised, so every once in a while a zombie would float by. Blu Base only had one TV, but it was destroyed when Femscout stole Blu Heavy's sandwich, tripped, and fell into Red Sniper. He was trying to eliminate a zombie who made its way through a hole in the chain link fence, but his aim was messed up and he instead shot the TV. All of the books in the library, including Scout's and Femscout's comics, were burnt when the Red and Blu Pyros had a molotov cocktail throwing contest.

"Teleporter comin' right up!" announced the Red Engineer, taking it out of his toolbox and placing it on the ground. It led to the balcony from the armory room.

"PUT DISPENSER HERE!" commanded the Red Heavy, who was out of ammo for his oversized M249.

"Erectin' a dispenser!" said the Red Engi, setting it up next to the teleporter.

"Thank you!" thanked the Red Heavy as the Femscout was about to explode from anger.

"WHY?!" shouted Femscout and threw her arms in the air. "HOW COME Y' NEVER PLACE A DISPENSER WHEN I NEED ONE?! I remember back when we Reds and Blus were still fighting, and you would _never _place a dispenser down for me, only when I was about to die or run outta ammo-"

"'Cause I was protectin' my sentry from th' d-mn Blu Spy!" protested Red Engineer. "You always came to me when I was busy unloading a few shells up his a**, and your incessant cries for a dispenser DROVE ME TO INSANITY!"

The intercom system started making breathing noises, then blared "IS BREAKFAST EATING TIME! MOOOOVE!", probably by Blu Heavy. It was 5:55 AM in an unusually foggy and chilly morning, unlike the normal sweltering weather.

In a few minutes...

The Scout entered the room, and to his dismay, there were no buttered pancakes with syrup on the table. There were potatoes, Cheerios with strawberries, and orange juice. Master Chief was setting up the food with Blu Medic and Samus as everybody else took their seats. "Y' know what ya should've built?" he quizzed Blu Engie, who cooked most of the food. "_Pancakes._"

"We ain't got pancakes, son." answered Blu Engineer.

"I bet somewhere else, somebody is enjoying a better meal then POTATOES and CHEERIOS!" agreed Red Spy.

Meanwhile...

"I wish I had Cheerios for breakfast." remarked 1337. "With potatoes

Rias responded, "Be grateful for what you have."

In Bellevue...

"MAN!" groaned Steve, clutching his stomach. He was in the forest for days, living off of squirrels. "I'm never going to take breakfast again for granted. I could really use a Belgain Waffle or two."

Tokyo...

"OH, YEAH!" Spork happily exclaimed as he opened a box full of delicious Persian and Greek food. "SCORE! Although I really wanted to try the deluxe squirrel barbeque thing..."

Back in 2Fort...

"...I'm just saying..." said Demoman, "...be grateful for what ye have, lad. Somewhere in Africa, kids r' dying of starvation. Don't waste yer food."

"Fine." groaned Scout. "I'll just make it better... WITH BONK!" He shouted, pulling out a can of blue soda. It was BONK! Atomic Punch, loaded with caffeine, some cocaine (which was unknown to the mercs), sugar, and some radiation for an extra explosion of energy and never-ending adrenaline.

"NIET!" Commanded Blu Heavy, smacking it out of his hand. "SANDVICH MAKE US STROOONG!" He got out his sandwich with turkey, lettuce, tomatoes, and cheese.

"SANDWICHES SUCK!" Scout defended his opinion.

"Ay, SHUT UP!" Isaac Clarke was about to rip his scalp off from frustration. "Please, just EAT!"

The mercenaries resumed their breakfast. Red and Blu Heavies ate a load of Cheerios with strawberries, potatoes, and two of their sandwiches. The Pyros left the room to eat separately to conceal their identity, and everybody else just ate the Cheerios and drank some orange juice, except for both Demomen (Scrumpeh!) "When you're all done, meet me in the War room." ordered Blu Soldier, and disappeared.

"I believe it's the briefcase room." corrected Red Sniper. "And I have to keep lookout." He put his bowl of cereal away, got a backpack full of mason jars and his AWSM, then took off.

L8r...

The War room, or the intelligence room, was a place that contained computer server racks, computers and different machinery associated with them (radar, thermal imaging, satellite survey) drawers of information about the mercenaries, the Australium business, Mann Co. A.K.A. The company that hired the mercs and directed the Australium business, and other stuff. There was a folding table set up in the middle with folding chairs set up around it, the place where most meetings were conducted after Red Base was destroyed.

"SCOUTS!" shouted Blu Soldier, looking at the roster.

"Here." said both Scouts.

"SOLDIERS!" Red Soldier stood up, saluted, and yelled,

"PRESENT!"

Blu Soldier looked angrily around the room. "WHERE THE H-LL IS BLU SOLDIER- oh, wait... nevermind. PYROS AND DEMOS!"

"Look, we're all here! Just skip the role call already!" complained Samus.

"NONSENSE! It is _my _duty to make sure all of you are present for this important GROUP MEETING!" declared Blu Soldier. "You _MUST _listen to the KABUTO OF JUSTICE!" He ordered, pointing to the Samurai Kabuto on his head. Considering what he wore (blue samurai armor over his blue coat and combat slacks), he was probably a supporter of Japan during the second great war. "I AM THE TEAM CAPTAIN OF THE MERCENARIES!"

Red Pyro facepalmed and held out its hand. A burst of flame emitted from it and ignited the roster, burning it to crispy nuggets. "P-pyrokinesis?" stuttered Blu Medic in his German accent, stumbling back. "G-GET AWAY VFROM ME, YOU MONSHTER!"

"Sorry." Red Pyro said with sign language.

The Blu Soldier let the ashes sift through his fingers. "A-as I was saying... THIS PLACE IS NOT SAFE ANYMORE! We must take immediate actions."

"Holy dooley!" yelled Red Sniper. "Why 'xactly are we leavin', huh, mate?"

"Very good question, Red Aussie. The reason why we are leaving 2Fort (1Fort is more accurate now) is simply because IT IS TOO DANGEROUS FOR ALL OF US TO DEFEND!" Blu Soldier removed the cigar from his mouth and crushed it. "When the supply freight train arrives in ten minutes, we only have FIVE minutes to move all of our weapons, ammo, food, water, and equipment in there! The headcrab infestation is at a Class 4 outbreak, or _a world ruled by the undead_."

"Where's announcer?" Isaac Clarke asked. "We haven't heard from her in _days, _man."

"She had to go a few days ago." responded Blu Engineer. "Scout, how's your robot arm doin'?" Blu Medic's medigun was unable to regenerate Scout's lost arm because the arm was now little bits of flesh and no longer "alive". A robot arm, similar to Blu Engineer's except that it was an entire arm, was fixed on the stump. This new advantage allowed Scout to hold his bat with one hand and swing it 2 times per second with the power of Red and Blu Heavy combined.

"Fine as a feather. Thanks." replied Scout, flipping a pen between the metal fingers.

"LET'S GET MOVING!" shouted Blu Soldier. Everyone in the room saluted to their new team captain, and took off to get ready for moving. There was still one unanswered question, though.

"Excuse me." said Cortana.

"Who the h-ll said that? STAY BACK! I KNOW HOW TO USE THIS COLD STEEL KATANA!" he shouted, flailing his katana around and accidentally cut off a portion of the corner wall.

"Where exactly is this train headed? If we're just going to blindly stock the supply train and head to an unknown place, possibly more dangerous than this, we might as well just hop over the walls and go fight them all with our hands."

"GOOD QUESTION!" Blu Soldier walked back and forth. "We have no idea. We're just going to supply the train and head off. Somewhere. I know what I'm doing."

"Are you sure?" asked Cortana. "You don't sound so sure."

"I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!" He shouted confidently, and started laughing. "Just wait and see, private..."

"-Cortana."

"Just wait and see, Private Cortana. Just wait and see.."


	26. Y u no Rate and Review

Chapter 26

_For this chapter, I'm going to try writing it like a script, even though it's not the correct way to do so. A lot of authors on FanFiction do it, though, so either its a new way of writing or they have no idea how to write a story._

_UNSC Savannah, in a supply hangar..._

Caboose: I'm BOOOORED!

1337: Really, huh? Well, what else do you suggest we do?

Sarge: Keep morale up! Without morale, we could form a new Republic of Grifs!

Grif: What the h-ll does that mean?

Sarge: It means, numb nuts, we could have a new army of unmotivated Spartans.

Simmons: Why don't we discuss long-term survival plans just in case rescue is coming in a few weeks? Maybe we could construct a greenhouse, channel the water tubes to this hangar, create a bicycle powered generator-

Sarge: NONSENSE! I trust the UNSC, and I say extraction is coming soon?

Grif: And when exactly is soon?

Sarge: A few weeks.

_Nicole enters_

Nicole: Hey, guys, Caboose and I found a TV and some 21st century movies! Who wants to watch _Project Touhou?_

Caboose: You know, I can make up words too.

_Tucker enters_

Tucker: Guys, we're watching _Project Touhou _now! Come on, we have a plasma TV!

Sarge: You guys... found a plasma television?

Grif: Who cares? Let's just go already!

_In the hangar, a TV is set up smack-dab in the middle of the entire room. Crates are used for seats._

Issei: Hey, guys, glad you could join! Wow, did they really film this? It looks so... REALISTIC! It's like I can walk right into the television and-

Grif: They drew it, a**-hat.

Church: Idiot. Look, THEY'RE USED TO SEEING EVERYTHING LIKE ITS AN ANIME! THEY EVEN _LOOK _LIKE THEY'RE FROM AN ANIME! OF COURSE THEY'RE GOING TO SAY IT LOOKS REALISTIC!

Issei: And you guys look like you're from a computer animation.

Church: Gee, nice observation, Sherlock. HEY! YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE FROM ANIME! DUY HUY!

Akeno: Ara, ara, it is indeed filmed well.

_Church facepalms_

Doc: Hey, guys, let's just enjoy the show, 'kay? You just have to flow with them if you can't fight it.

Haruhi: Wow, is this directed by-

Grif: -Michael Bay? Why, yes, it is!

Doc: Well, not like that...

Tucker: Dudes and dudets, please SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! I'm tryna watch this _peacefully._

_Silence for 30 minutes_

Sarge: What would you call this kind of anime?

Soap: Well, the American otakus would probably name this "Kawaii desu anime touhou"... ah... I don't know. I would just call it a random sub genre of anime.

Church: Personally, I think otakus are ehembullsh-tehem.

Caboose: That made no sense.

_This ain't goin' so well._

Two words flashed on the screen:

**YOU DIE**

"Whaaat?!" Nicole got up, opened the disc drive, and took out the disc.

**YOU STILL DIE.**

"Seriously?" laughed Tucker. "Is the disc scratched?"

"Well, she removed the disc already, so it shouldn't be reading this." said Simmons. "Try turning it off and back on." Nicole hit the switch on the side of the TV twice.

**YOU DIE NOW.**

"Here, put in this disc." suggested Kiba, offering Nicole a window-clear disc. "Trust me." Opening the disc drive and inserting the disc, a movie started playing. "This movie is _Alien. _I found it in one of the crates."

Caboose blurted, "Oh man! I love aliens!"

"Should we tell Caboose what the alien _actually _is?" asked 1337. "I mean, when I watched this movie, it freaked me out."

"JUST WATCH!" commanded Church.

Later...

"Ok, Simmons, you can look now."

"Oh, _THANK GOD! _I wasn't planning on sleeping anyways."

Asia was trembling. "Issei-san... that was-"

"Ah, don't worry about it!" chuckled Issei. "It's not like they're real or anything. After all, it's just a movie!" As soon as he said this, a ventilation shaft from the other side of the room (behind them) exploded. "The h-ll was that?" he cried, stepping back and tripping over Grif.

"I-uh-I... I don't know... maybe it fell off?" suggested Simmons.

"ALIEN!" Caboose shouted happily.

Haruhi picked up Sarge's shotgun and pumped it. "I dunno, maybe its one of those arm-bladed fellas? They always exit from the ventilation shafts." A low growl, similar to the Alien's, crept through the air and worked its way into everybody's ears. All of the lights were blown, the TV turned off, and the heater turned off.

"M-m-m-must be the wind." whimpered Asia. "It _must _be the wind." Xenovia got her large-a** sword, which produced no golden glow. So did Kiba's sword.

"Turn on your helmet lights." ordered Sarge. The Arbiter turned on his shoulder light, and all Spartans' helmet lights flickered on. It cut through the darkness and illuminated a crate covered in a green, slimy liquid that was slowly burning through the wood. "What's this? Sulfuric acid?" he mumbled, swiping some of it with his finger. It sizzled as it melted the dust on Sarge's bodysuit. "Didn't the aliens in the movie have acid blood?"

"NAH, IT PROBABLY CAME SOMEWHERE ELSE!" Tucker suggested, flipping the safety off his DMR. It shot 7.62x54mmR rounds, a range of 600 meters, and could fire full-auto. The best battle rifle ever made by the UNSC indeed. "Maybe it was stored."

"Do you seriously think they would store acid in wooden crates?" Sarge turned to Tucker and raised an eyebrow. He took out his .50 Desert Eagle and pulled the slide back. "C'mon. Let's check it out." The Spartans and proclaimed devils slowly crept their way to the ventilation shaft, which was blown open by a good bust of acid. "Yep, probably not stored acid." concluded Sarge.

Issei asked Ddraig, "Hey, Ddraig, a little help...?"

"Sorry, kid." responded the red dragon gauntlet. "This freaks me the h-ll out as well. I can boost your power 10 times, though."

"BOOST!" Issei shouted, holding his gauntlet up. The room was illuminated with green light, which briefly shone on a 9-foot tall, shady figure. It darted away behind a wall of crates.

"**BOOSTO!**" yelled Ddraig. "**BALANCE BREAKER!**"

"Balance breaker _already?!_" remarked Rias. The green light now covered Issei, and red armor similar to the one on his left forearm materialized on his entire left arm, then his legs, then his right arm and chest, and finally his head. Now completely covered in red dragon armor that resembled Spartan-II Mljonir Mk. VII powered assault armor (except awesomer), he was ready to kick a-s.

"HOLY SH-T!" Church's hologram aimed its sniper rifle at the direction of the mysterious figure. "DID YOU SEE THAT?!"

"They-they're real..." Haruhi slowly raised the shotgun and swung it back and forth.

Another growl, this time deeper and lasted longer.

"NOT FUNNY!" Grif loaded grenades into his Brute Shot and activated his armor's night vision. "Hey, guys, turn on your night vision instead. You can see a crap ton more." Caboose turned on his night vision and saw a long, spiky tail disappear behind a crate.

"Guys, I saw a tail go behind that crate over there!" Caboose pointed to the crate.

"No, Caboose, it must be a blanket stuffed with thorns carried by the wind gust of the AIR CONDITIONING!" wailed Donut, trying to deny the truth even though he saw it. "Yeah, it probably was one of the aliens. What were they called again?"

"Xenomorphs." answered Xenovia.

The Arbiter, Spartans, and devils backed up against each other. "You, demons." he said.

"Us or those hot anime chicks?" asked Church. During the Human-Covenant war of 2525 C.E. To 2553 C.E., some Sangheili, or Elites, defected to the UNSC because they discovered the truth about the Covenant; that their proclaimed "Great Journey" was a lie. Most of the defected Elites referred to the Spartans as "demons", especially Sierra 117, Sierra 1337, Sierra 458, and Agent Texas.

"The devils." clarified Arby. "Haruhi-Chan, go in the middle as well."

"Nah." insisted Haruhi, smiling. "I'm fine."

A low growling noise was heard again.

Caboose pulled the charging handle on his MA5D assault rifle. This time, he loaded it with _real _7.62x51mm bullets, because the number 32 appeared on the rifle's ammo counter. "Well, that escalated quickly." sighed Rias Gremory. She held up her hands in front of her, and the devilish red circle appeared on both of her palms.

"**WHY HELLO THERE.**" A deep voice emerged from the ship, shaking it as it spoke. "**I NEVER EXPECTED YOU TO SURVIVE SO LONG. NO MATTER NOW. YOU WILL DIE. NOW.**"

"Quickly now, lads!" commanded Soap, leading the group to the Auto-Augmenter. "We'll need to get you to the Auto-Augmenter before one of those bloody things come and eat us!"

Asia looked up at Soap. "What's the Auto-Augmenter, Soap-San?"

"You'll find out, so just follow mEAAAUGH!" It pounced on Soap and started clawing at his throat, spraying blood all over its face. "GET THIS D-MN THING OFF OF ME!" he gurgled, attempting to pull its mouth apart. Sarge got his pipe wrench and smashed the Xenomorph's skull, splattering brains all over Sarge's visor like watermelons at a Gallagher show.

"That-that b-tch killed me..." coughed Soap. He threw his head back and jerked it forwards, coughing blood all over the floor. Asia hurried over to Soap and held her hands in front of his neck. A green light appeared in her palms, and the deep gash in Soap's neck slowly healed.

"The h-ll?" Church was watching from Sarge's armor. "And I thought angels healed people, not devils..."

"NO TIME TO CELEBRATE!" 1337 swooped up Asia and gave her a piggyback ride as he sprinted for the Auto-Augmenter. "DUDES, MORE ARE COMING! Asia, how old are you?"

"Fif-fifteen." said Asia.

"SARGE! HOW OLD TO PEOPLE HAVE TO BE TO USE IT?!"

Sarge ran to 1337, with Soap behind him. "ANY AGE! I'M PRETTY SURE SHE CAN GO IN!" 1337 got Asia off is back and placed her in the modified cryostasis tube.

"This won't hurt." assured 1337. "Right, Soap-"

"HURT LIKE H-LL!" corrected Soap, grabbing a G3 rifle from an open crate and two mags.

"Ok, well, it won't hurt much." Slamming the button next to the tube, the robotic arm reached out and grabbed the door that flew off its hinges earlier and fixed it back on as Asia placed both her palms on the screen and cried out for help. "I'm sor-"

"MORE!" Sarge shouted a few meters away. "Y' WANT MORE! OK! COME N' GET SOME! THIS IS A SHOTGUN BUFFET! EAT ALL YOU LIKE!" A bang reverberated throughout the room. "YOU MADE QUITE A MESS, SONNY!" Another bang, this time accompanied by a grotesque splattering noise. "WOULD YOU LIKE A SIDE OF BOOT, TOO? WELL, HERE YOU GO!" Squishes and cracks were soon heard. A spleen flew over a tall crate and landed on 1337's head, leaking its fluids.

"Calm down, Sarge!" pleaded Doc. "That's all of them!"

"No, Doc!" Silence. "Can you hear that growling noise? Well, it's COMIN' FROM BEHIND YOU! DUCK!" BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 1337 whipped his head around to see a Xenomorph clutching its chest with acid spewing out of it like a watering can before falling over and dying. _Man, this reminds me of Tom and Jerry._ Mentally remarked 1337 before the cryostasis tube smashed into his head, knocking him out cold.

"ASIA! Oh my gosh, Asia! Are you all right!" Doc ran over to the Auto-Augmenter, which was releasing copious amounts of steam, and released the girl from the machine. "ASIA! Thank god you're ok. So, how was the machine?" Unlike Soap, who was given a full set of Recon armor, the machine seemed to smack on random pieces of armor from different MK. VII armor variants.

[ASIA'S RANDOM ARMOR SET]

Helmet: Air Assault

Chest: CIO

Forearms: Prefect

Shins/Legs: Over-Locking

Left Shoulder: Hazop

Right Shoulder: FOTUS

Visor: Legendary

Colors: Blue with a yellow secondary

"I feel... nothing, to be honest." She looked up at Doc and smiled. "Thanks."

"No problem."

"AUGH! Get away from me, you big FAT-" BLAM! "Oh, that wasn't so hard!" Donut's head poked around a nearby crate and waved. "Hey, Asia! D-mn, that armor really fits you!" A Xenomorph smashed down a wall of crates and growled as it lunged for Asia. Its tail was grabbed by Issei Hyoudou, who swung it around into the wall, leaving it vulnerable to be cut up by Xenovia's and Kiba's swords.

"Great teamwork!" Congratulated Doc.

"What was it called again... SLAP MY HAND!" said Ddraig, Issei's armor glowing as it said a syllable.

"OK! Wait..." Issei mumbled. "I can't high five you! You're in my sacred gear!"

Ddraig sighed and made a smacking noise, like a facepalm. "Oh, really? Well, no sh-t." he joked.

"LOOKOUT!" Tucker cried as a dog-like Xenomorph ran into the room, Caboose riding it and emptying all 32 7.62x51mm rounds into its head, not killing it. "HOW CAN THIS NOT KILLIT?!" He activated his energy sword but got the Xenomorph's tail slammed into his stomach, sending him flying forcefully into Kiba. Tossing it at the Xenomorph dog, the two green blades of plasma ripped through its intestines, slipping out of its gouged stomach as it died in extreme pain. "Well, that did."

Rias's palms still had the red, glowing circles on them. She drew an imaginary circle with both of them, creating an identical one, except it was the size of Rias herself. A red laser, similar to that of a Spartan Laser's except with the power of a volcano, shot out of it and blew an elephant-sized hole in the wall she was facing, disintegrating three of the Xenomorphs. Next up was Akeno, forming a lightning bolt in her hand and hurling it at one of them, ripping through its brain and frying it until it was a burnt lump of crap.

"I wish these weapons were more effective." sighed Haruhi as she ejected a spent shell from the shotgun and fired it at a Xenomorph. The results were devestating; it flew across the room and hit the wall, where it exploded into a dark red and green mist.

"Waitaminute!" Sarge shouted. "Haruhi, wish for something else."

"Ok." Haruhi smiled and shouted, "I WISH THIS SHOTGUN TURNED INTO A FLAMETHROWER!"

Nothing.

"Didn't work." Soap pointed out.

"Yeah," chuckled Grif, "no sh-t." A flash temporarily blinded everybody as if a million flash grenades were set off all at once. When their ears stopped ringing and vision returned to normal, Haruhi was now holding a M7057 UNSC Flamethrower.

"I DON'T KNOW HOW," laughed Church, "BUT H-LL YEAH!"

Haruhi squeezed the trigger on the flamethrower. Since it was 87 pounds, you had to hold it Arnold S. style. If you stood in front of it, you would instantly be burned _so badly _that all of your ashes would disintegrate. The beam of hell had a range of 80 feet, which annihilated all of the Xenomorphs in the direction Haruhi was spraying it at. "I HAVE FED THE FLAMES WITH YOUR FLESH." Haruhi suddenly laughed maniacally and rested the smoking flamethrower on her shoulder.

"H-how?" Nicole shrieked, throwing her arms up in the air.

Turning around, Haruhi looked at Nicole in the eye. For a moment, the pupils and irises on Haruhi's eyes turned red, and the whites faded to black.

_"__I AM A GOD!"_


	27. So much in so little time

Chapter 27

Back in Tokyo, things weren't going so well. _I never knew they had to take such a long bath, _pondered Spork as he slumped against the wall. "THAT'S A H&amp;K USP MATCH .45!" Kohta enthusiastically shouted as he pointed to Spork's pistol attached to his right side. _Yes, obviously. And just because you play Battlefield 4, it doesn't make you a gun expert or anything. _For the past few minutes, _lots _of splashes were coming from the only room in the entire hotel that had warm running water. All of the females were taking a bath... together, to "conserve water". It's not that they were wrong, it's just that Spork's fear of the UNSC observing his actions prevented him from doing such an act. "Wait, what is that on your back?" Kohta observed Spork's Spartan Laser on his back.

"Well," Spork unholstered the Spartan Laser, "what do you think it is?"

"A rocket propelled grenade launcher of some sort?" guessed the gun otaku.

"No. This is an M6 Galilean Nonlinear Rifle, commonly named the Spartan Laser. It shoots lasers." Spork was trying to get some peace and quiet, but it was impossible with Kohta around.

"How about we go take a peek inside?" he suggested.

Takashi shook his head. "Nah, I don't really feel like dyin' yet."

"Come on! What's the worst they can do?" He gripped the door handle but was thrown off by 007, and flew into the wall still gripping the handle.

"Well, you know, a woman's privacy is something to be respected." Spork explained. "DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!" He gripped his collar and pushed him up against the wall, and reiterated "DO YOU?!"

"Geez, ok!" Apologized Kohta. "Friggin' let me go already!"

Spartan 007 slowly released him and noticed the cracks webbing across the wall. "Oops, sorry 'bout that."

"No, it's okay!" Kohta insisted, stretching. "I can see-"

"-that you're quite the gentleman." Interrupted Saya, who suddenly appeared in the doorway with her pajamas on; a blue tank top and black shorts so short that it was like a belt.

"Saya, I heard that it gets pretty chilly on Tokyo nights. And yes, I know it's only the evening." said Spork. "So I'll go find longer pants for you and a thicker shirt. So you don't get cold and a sickness."

Saya poked her thumb over her shoulder. "I think Shizuka-Sensei needs pajamas more than I do." She opened the door to reveal Shizuka holding a golf bag with 3 guns inside it against her, covering her privates. Agent Maine poked his head in and facepalmed.

"Uh, guys, I'll go find some stuff before night falls." Spork announced, and raced to the top floor. "MAINE, YOU WATCH THEM AND MAKE SURE NOTHING BAD HAPPENS!" He activated his gravity boots and raced off, deeper into the city.

A few minutes later...

As far as he knew, Spartan 007 was currently on the roof of the tallest building in Japan. The roof access was hastily boarded with wooden planks, which would buy Spork enough time to scout out his location to go "shopping" and FIX HIS GRAVITY BOOTS! On the way to one of the city's police stations, his right grav boot malfunctioned and forced him to land on top of this building. None of them had sensed him, but they would soon. In the hotel, the food and water supply was already sufficient enough, not just for a few days, but three months of "astronaut food" was scavenged from the lower floors. Ammunition, firearms, and potential melee weapons were what was needed, whether they needed them or not. A titanium crowbar, for example, could be placed between a door's handlebars to prevent the undead from breaking though, as long as the door wasn't glass. Spork didn't need any weapons, because he had a pistol, a shoulder-fired-over-sized laser rifle, an uberawesome Covenant weapon, a bloody large Scottish claymore, an energy sword with plasma and hardlight tech, and his combat knife... with BRASS KNUCKLES AS A HANDLE! In a way, it was like a trench knife.

BAM. A rotten fist smashed down on the door. _Come on, gravity boot, WORK! _Spork kicked a wall on the roof access, to no avail. BAM. There it was again, and this time some cracks sped across the door. _Great, more of them. _Fidgeting with his gravity boot, it suddenly released a large burst of energy that pushed him back a few feet and also caved in the door, smashing the wooden planks in the process. What was the "uberawesome" Covenant weapon? It was a needler, the newer kind the Covenant was now using. One could call it an automatic explosive needle shooter, and that's what it is. Roughly the same size as a pistol, looked like a combination of a plasma pistol and a plasma rifle, and had pink needles sticking out the top, its ammunition. Breaks off fragments of the needles and shoots them at 5000 feet per second, easily ripping through armor, flesh, and bones. Best of all, they were designed to HOME IN ON HEADS! But that's not all. Yes, there's more. After one second embedding in flesh, the needle will create a small, purple explosion the size of a head (sounds like glass shattering). If you went full-auto and unloaded 6 needles in a soft target, the combined explosion would make it go flying in 10 different directions.

"Ok, you asked for it." Spork pulled the trigger on the needler, and it exploded. If it had flaws, it was that there was a one in a million chance of it exploding in the user's face and that it was close-range only. Looks like 007 was that one... in a million. "OH COME ON!" Spork roundhouse-kicked one in the face, which resulted in his foot going through its face. Another skill Spartan 007 had was his Bruce Lee-level kung-fu, Tae-Kwon-Do, and other forms of martial arts.

He made an awkward shamble to the edge of the building with the corpse still stuck around his foot, so he planted his free boot on the body's chest to help remove his other foot. "Alright, see you guys later!" he waved to the undead, and dove off the building, towards the police station.

Later...

_And that's why you never head to a police station when the dead rise. _Its reinforced fences and gates were toppled by frightened citizens, all trying to force their way into the building they thought would protect them. They were wrong. Overcrowding or unorganized and frustrated people in the police station led to accidental stabbings, shootings, and tramplings. Yep, probably the reason why they were eaten alive so easily. If any weapons were available, they would probably be useless training weapons that don't have any mechanisms. At all. Nightsticks would be useless because they lacked strength to crush a skull, yet most ignored this and took all of them.

Spork slowly crept through the broken glass and turned on his night vision, then took out his claymore. The glow of the energy sword would capture the attention of survivors, the living dead, and bandits. Unwanted commotion was the last thing he needed in his so far stealthy mission. He walked into a room that read "ARMORY" below the same word in Japanese and found a room full of bright orange training weapons, which could easily give away positions if they decided to use them as hand to hand weapons. _Wait... _Spork mentally said as he approached a weapon rack. _...is that what I think it isYES! _Two firearms, a SIG 550 and a Mag-7 shotgun with a wooden stock, were still on the wall, each with one clip full and a strap. He took both and slung them on his left and right shoulders, then ran out the building and headed to the tool store next door (hey, that rhymes!). It only had rakes and shovels. Rakes, shovels, hoes, buckets, and everything else useless. All axes and splitting mauls were taken, including all the crowbars and tire irons.

_Oh, well, that's enough. _Spork thought, and ran off. Unfortunately, his foot caught on a wooden plank and caused him to trip, misfiring the SIG. The gunshot was unusually loud and the flash temporarily blinded 007 because he had night vision on and there was no flash hider on the barrel, alerting every single one of them of his presence. A rotten hand shot out of a pile of wood chips, tripping Spork again and accidentally setting the SIG to full-auto as it struck the ground, setting it stuck in slam fire mode despite that the trigger wasn't being held down. _Great, _he facepalmed, _now I'm screwed and out of ammo for the little bullet waster here. Hopefully, the group has more 5.56 rounds._ He stomped on the hand, flattening it, and took off for the hotel.

Bellevue...

The security measures in the facility were _insane, _so Steve was condemned to navigate the forest with two-headed, man-eating deer. All he had on was a cyan shirt, purple pants, a Ushanka, a bloodstained winter coat he got from the carcass that was being eaten, and an icicle embedded in his left hand. A helicopter flew overhead but didn't see him, forcing Steve to move on.

If he was going to survive, he vowed never to go off alone again. _WHAT'S GONNA F—KING WORK?! TEAMWORK! _He mentally screamed to himself as his hand went numb. If he pulled it out, a torrent of blood would gush out and he would die of blood loss. Sooner or later, he would generate too much body heat and cause the icicle to melt, unclogging the blood flow. So he was in quite a dilemma.

Was there a chance of rescue? Heck no. Who knows how far deep he was in the forest in order to escape the o.W.n. Mercs and robots. Perhaps another one of those two headed deer would come out to finish him off. Maybe the o.W.n. Would find him and lobotomize him, turning his brain into scrambled eggs. Worst of all, he could be killed... by both. A deer would come, stick its teeth into his skull, and somehow rotate them as if they were egg beaters.

_Why do I have such a violent mind? _Steve cried out in despair, clutching his icicle'd handbefore burying his face in the snow, near death.

_Why?_

_I guess that question will never be solved._

Meanwhile...

"HURRY UP, MEN!" The Blu Soldier ordered. "THE TRAIN IS LEAVING IN 3 MINUTES! HAUL IT!" So far, most of the supplies were moved into the train's empty cars. The mercenaries had formed a "box brigade", passing a box of food, water, weapons, or bullets down to the next person until it reached the empty car. Finally, the last box was shoved into the tiny space of the last empty freight car.

"Where do we sit now, the _roof?_" suggested Red Sniper.

"GOOD IDEA!" Blu Heavy agreed, and threw Scout to the roof of the caboose. He landed on his head, knocking him out cold.

To their horror, the train jerked forwards and steadily accumulated in speed. "Alright, GET ON!" Isaac Clarke hopped on the caboose and bent over to help Femscout and Samus up. "I guess its like going to be one of those trains in India." He sighed as the train lurched forwards. Red and Blu Medic got in the very front of the train, Demoman, Demopan, Red Engineer, Blu Engineer, Red Spy, and Blu Spy all got on the top of the food freight car, both soldiers, both pyros and Master Chief got on the one in front of the Caboose.

"Y'all, spread out!" shouted Red Engineer. "It's too d-mn crowded! We're going to fall off!" All of the mercenaries spread out to the different cars in fear of falling off.

"I'm bored." complained Scout. "Where are my comics? And my BONK! Atomic Punch?! I'm so freaking hungry!"

"Shut yer yap, boy!" snapped Blu Engineer.

"Arewethereyet?" whined Femscout. "Arewethereyetarewethereyetarewethereyetarewethereye-"

"SILENCE!" Red Soldier was driven way past insanity. "WE'LL BE THERE WHEN WE GET THERE!"

For a few minutes, the group was quiet and just looked at the landscape.

"My side has more cows than yours." smirked Femscout, breaking the silence.

Scout turned around and sat beside her. "Hey tootz. You notice something weird about those cows?" He pointed to one, chewing on its cud. Except it wasn't cud.

_A human head._

"So it's true." Master Chief crossed his arms. "The headcrab parasite _can _infect livestock. Not just livestock, animals as well. Cortana, what do you think?"

"I think," answered Cortana, "that we need to set up sentries on the sides to deter any infected bulls from stampeding us." Red Engineer picked up his toolbox and smashed it on the floor, revealing a red level one sentry that quickly morphed into a level 3 one. "Red Engineer, are you able to reprogram the sentry's targeting system so it doesn't randomly shoot at every single infected we pass? I can if you aren't able to."

The Red Engineer chuckled and held up his construction PDA. "Miss, I have eleven PHDs. Reprogramming this baby is _nothing._" Clicks filled the air, and fingers were flying and smashing the PDA's buttons. The level 3 sentry clicked, whirred, and started oscillating 360 degrees. "I now have manual control of the sentry... WITH THIS!" He whipped out a jury-rigged radar gun using parts from a TV remote, TV, and an 1800s revolver frame. A laser was attached to the barrel, which he aimed at the floor. The sentry would aim at the barrel and fire whenever he pulled the trigger.

"Zat thing..." remarked Red Heavy, "works well..."

"Thanks, pardner-"

"...and looks STOOPID!" The last word was surprisingly harsh.

Red Engie facepalmed.

Savannah...

_I am sorry for not spending enough time writing about the others. Personally, I think that there is more action in the Savannah. On a side note, I am accepting up to 2 Ocs. I would like you to add as much as I should know about your character, including their personality. Speaking about personality... I'll fix some of my character's!_

"ATTEN-SHUNNED!" Sarge shouted. Only Simmons, 1337, Nicole, Tucker, Donut, and Soap complied. Everybody else just stared at him in utter confustion. "I SAID... ATTEN-SHION!"

"Sarge, it's attention. Not atten-shunned." corrected Grif and facepalming.

"Be quiet." coldly ordered Sarge. "I know more about sarging than you do."

"SARGING?" Tucker turned around and threw his hands in the air. "IS THAT EVEN A REAL THING?!"

"Anyways..." Sarge walked back and forth, observing the Spartans and demons, "...I failed to notice until now that YOU SPARTANS ARE ACTING ABNORMALLY! For example, Church is acting more hotheaded than he normally is!"

"Yeah..." admitted Church. "...I guess you're right... sorry guys..."

"...AND WHERE THE H-LL IS AGENT WASHINGTON!" Sarge shouted. "HE'S BEEN DISAPPEARING OFF RECENTLY!"

"I... I was right here the whole time sir..." said Agent Washington.

"Caboose, you're... ok I guess..." commented Sarge. "Well, that's it."

"Well, that was quite a meeting." remarked Nicole. "And devils, if you don't mind, we have a _crapload _of questions for you concerning your powers and what you have to do with this. My first question is... what's a sacred gear? Koneko was mentioning something about it earlier, right? Also, are you the ones that started this? Why did we hear Issei proudly claiming he was Rias's devoted... pawn?"

Rias answered every single one of Nicole's questions. "A sacred gear is a demon's, angel's, or fallen angel's special power, and there are various forms according to what rank they are, and what their affiliation is. Issei, for example, has not a sacred gear but a _forbidden gear, _a Boosted Gear, that houses one of the to Heaven dragons, Ddraig. His rival is Albion, who resides in Vali's forbidden gear, the polar opposite of Boosted Gear. Issei and Vali are destined to fight each other, for Ddraig and Albion are still tangled in their unusually long conflict. Asia's sacred gear is _Twilight Healing, _and you all probably know what it does. If the sacred gear's user is powerful enough, then during battle they will execute their _balance breaker, _a great power that may be able to flatten countries. Issei's balance breaker is when he temporarily sacrifices his body and soul to Ddraig, granting him scale mail armor."

"Do you mean that kicka-s red dragon armor?" asked Church.

"Yes. Kiba's balance breaker is _Sword Birth, _where various demonic swords uproot from the ground with their blades sticking up. It is able to be used on an enemy or as a new source of weaponry. Are you all familiar with the board game of Chess?"

"That game where I get my a-s kicked every time?" said Grif. "Yeah, we all do."

"Devils are categorized into different Chess pieces, with their own unique sets of special abilites. Take Kiba and Xenovia, my two knights. Their main advantage is their speed, agility, and swordsmanship. Koneko, my only rook, depends on her pure power to smash through an opposition. Asia and Gasper, my two bishops, serve as support for the other pieces. Akeno, the Lightning Queen, has all the combined traits of the other pieces, not their sacred gears and balance breakers. I, Rias Gremory, am the king, and Issei Hyoudou is my pawn. We're all members and Chess pieces of the Occult Research Club. I am the club's president."

"So are you the king of the club? Does that mean there are multiple kings, queens, bishops, pawns, rooks, and knights?" questioned Simmons.

Koneko answered, "Precisely."

"Hey," Kiba did a 720 turn, "where's Gasper?"

"OHSH-T! WASN'T HE STILL IN HIS BOX?!" Issei fell on the floor and gripped his hair. "OSH-TOSH-T! What happens if his power goes out of control?! What happens _THEN?!_"

Caboose had a terrifying question. "What is Gasper's holy gear thingy?"

"Gasper's sacred gear is the ability to stop time." replied Rias. "When the rips in the fabric of reality started to commence, I placed a spell on him that limited his power. He was with us, wasn't he?" Issei was freaking out. He kicked open a crate to find out where he could possibly be. _AUGH! What if the spell wears off?! _Issei picked up a crate and shook it madly.

"What does he look like?" questioned the Arbiter. He sat down, closed his eyes, crossed his legs, placed his hands on his head, and concentrated. "Have I seen him before...?"

Issei Falconpunched open a crate. "He had blonde hair, purple eyes, ears like an elf, sharp canines, wears the Kuoh Academy High School girls' uniform, looks like a girl, acts like a girl, was mistakened to BE a girl!" Suddenly, the Arbiter opened his yellow cat-like eyes and slowly walked away. "D-did you find him?! If the spell wears off, he could stop time, distort it, disintegrate the fabric of reality, and KILL US ALL!" He looked up to see Tucker walking to a crate, but suddenly appeared in front of it.

"The h-ll?" Tucker spasmed his head around, in confusion. "Rias, weren't you just standing there?"

"I have reason to believe the spell is wearing off." Conjectured Haruhi, removing her helmet and setting it aside. Her brown hair dropped down, part of it now in a short ponytail and leaving the the hair on her front side hanging in two locks. "He doesn't just slow time down, he can _stop _it in certain areas for a certain amount of time and refract it. Sarge-Sama, search for every crate still not opened and look for him. You take the left side of the hangar, and I'll take the right." Doc, Nicole, and Agent Washington were slowly walking alongside crates and observing them, listening for any noise. Most of them were already open for convenience in storing anything that didn't count as bare necessities.

"FIND HIM!" 1337 ran open to a crate he thought was moving and literally ripped it open. Inside was a dead opossum that was a few years old, writhing with marker-sized maggots. All this time, and it was still decomposing and being eaten. "EUGH!"

"1337, you idiot," shouted Grif, "search for the crates that aren't opened yet! There's a fat chance Gasper could bear to remove some of the things in these crates!" _How dare he insult my awesomeness! _1337 mentally growled. _Oh, I'll show him. I'm gonna knock his freaking socks off! Scratch that, his pants! _The crate peacefully resting in the corner was smashed open when 1337 whacked the stock of his SKS on it (with the safety on to prevent misfiring and the bayonet flipped into the handguard, of course), revealing...

...styrofoam.

"Well, maybe he's in THIS ONE!" The next crate was smashed to reveal packs of small crystals and a white powdery stuff. It smelled... surprisingly addictive. 1337's eyes widened and he picked up a pack full of the powder, with some foreign writing on it.

Haruhi skipped around the corner. "Hey, 1337-San! What did you find?" She ripped open 1337's bag and let the powder trickle through her fingers. "Is this baby powder?" Licking some of the powder, hey pupils widened 20 times larger than they normally were, giving her a crazed look.

"AUGH! It's not baby powder!" 1337 swiped it from her hands and tossed it into a corner. "IT'S CRACK! COCAINE! I don't want you to become a drug addict, so I'll throw this crystal meth away as well. And why the heck would Gasper BE HIDING IN A FREAKING CRATE?!"

"He's _very _shy." explained Issei as he ran past 1337. "When we find him, go get a paper bag.-

"What, so you can suffocate him?" scoffed Grif as he sat down on a cardboard box. It collapsed, revealing...

"WE FOUND HER! My, she's a blonde beauty like Asia!" 1337 chuckled, resting his SKS on his shoulder. In the distance, he saw Asia's cheeks turn blood red from sheer embarrasment.

"That person is a he." corrected Kiba.

1337 and Grif suffered twenty-five heart attacks, forty-five seizures, had their eyes broken over nine thousand times from surprise and shock, and started having a nose bleed.

As Tucker fell to the floor and coughed up blood, he thought

_I can't accept this cruel reality._

Back on the train...

"I'M. SO. BOOORED!" whined Femscout, throwing her cleaver at the wall again. It narrowly missed Scout's head, brushing his ear. Blu Medic and Red Medic reported that the train was remotely controlled, and there were no manual controls or any maps, so it was impossible to find out where exactly they were headed. The weather turned unpleasantly chilly, so they resorted to throwing the cargo off of one of the freight cars and stay in there until they reached their destination. "Hey, Red Engi, did ya bring your guitar?"

It started to drizzle outside, which quickly turned into a violent rainstorm in a matter of seconds.

"The weather here is quite extreme." remarked Cortana. "We're somewhere along the Gulf Coast." Scout, who was drinking his BONK! Atomic Punch, choked on it.

"Gulf Coast ALREADY?!" Isaac Clarke rubbed his eyes and checked his RIG's GPS system that didn't need a satellite system to function properly and accurately. Yep, they were heading along the Gulf Coast. "This must be a pretty fast train. I'd say we'd have to be around 500 miles per hour."

"Yeah, it runs on Australium and it _is _at five hundred miles an hour. It's one hundred times as efficient as nuclear energy, and not as radioactive as well. This train is powered by a fusion reactor instead of a fission system, which repeatedly breaks apart the substances into unstable ones." explained Blu Engineer. "If I remember correctly, this train is heading to Alabama. I don't remember _where _in Alabama, though. "

"Cortana, how long does this railroad run?" asked Master Chief. There was _nothing _left to do. _Nothing. _Everybody had already cleaned their guns two times, reread the same books they found in Scout's backpack over and over again, or just sit down.

"Around... whoa." Gasped Cortana. "This railroad circles the North American continent counter-clockwise, excluding Mexico. Every few thousand miles, a... Mann Co automated resupply facility is located?"

"AHA!" Blu Engie leapt up, recalling his previous job. "Ten years ago, before I was Blu Team's engineer, I was the manager who oversaw the resupply facility in Sacramento. You just drive the train through it and watch the magic happen, but for now it will be the place we'll be stopping at."

"We'll be stopping at SACRAMENTO after WE GO 'ROUND F-KING CANADA AND USA?!" Isaac Clarke roared indignantly.

"No, silly!" giggled Cortana. "The next resupply building is 4 hours away if you take into account the speed we're going at. Which is approximately 500 miles an hour, so that means another 2000 miles to go. However-"

"-however what?" Master Chief turned to Cortana, who was kind of spacing out. "Cortana, are you all right? Did you download another survey?!"

Meanwhile...

"So, how's it goin' so far?" Aboard the UNSC Infinity, trying to keep in touch with Spork-007 was impossible. Sending signals through the opening and closing rips in space resulted in either static or ear-exploding screeches that caused fatal hemorrhaging in anybody who was listening with headphones on. There were only a handful of Spartan-IIs left, yet the UNSC wasn't willing to use all of them to go search for Master Chief. As time passed, they started trying to rescue Spork.

"Ah, SHUT UP!" Two Spartan-IVs, one British and one German, were fiddling with a computer server rack that was apparently downloading spam on a majority of the computers. "gottverdammt, vhy do zhey keep downloading zhe surveys?! FREE VIDEO AND MUSIC DOWNLOADS ARE NOT LEGIT, FOR GOD'S SAKE!" The communications were also going awry, repeatedly flashing scenes from different animes all over the screens. "Vhat kind of virus is this?!"

"Sabotage." suggested the British Spartan. "I mean, hey, viruses don't do something random like this, do they?"

"Vhen it comes to viruses, zhey can do ANYZHING. ANYZHING! For zhe past few hours, zhe UNSChee has been repeatedly asshuring us zhat THEY HAVE EVERYZHING UNDER CONTROL! Does losing comms with nearly two thirds of our remaining Spartan-IIs count as UNDER CONTROL?!"

"Well," nervously chuckled the Brit, "if we still had Spartan-Is, we could send 'em in and watch the action happen. Do we still have access to their visor cams?" The German jumped up in surprise and struck his head on the edge of a table. "I mean, visor cams are better than nothing... right?"

"ATTENTION ALL PERSONNEL." blared a voice over the intercom. "THE UNSC INFINITY IS CURRENTLY IN THE PROCCESS OF UNDERGOING PUBERTY."

"Zhe h-ll?" cried the German.

The intercom came to life again. "WHAT THE F—K ARE YOU DOING IN THIS ROOM! **GET! OUT!**"

Silence.

"We apologize for the vulgarity that just entered your ears." Everybody recognized the voice as Lord Hood's. Whoever just messed with the intercom was going to get an a-s whooping so bad that he or she won't sit down for up to a month. The two Spartan-IVs resumed their work on the computer server that was apparently one of the sources of the so-called virus. It was so severe that it literally shut down everything in the ship except for power generation, radiation shielding, life support, temperature regulation, and quarantine. So that meant that until the problem was solved, there were going to be a _lot _of things flipping in the air, including humans.

"What's this?" The British guy pulled a crappily-made (NOT MADE IN CHINA) USB stick out of one of the USB ports, and almost instantly everybody in the ship fell to the floor. An aura of electricity surrounded the entire ship for a minute, then subsided. That meant the artificial gravity was working and the ship's energy shielding was functional, but were the communications A-OK?

"I mean, the chance of the UNSC listening to everything I say and watching everything through my visor seems pretty remote, but y' know, there's still the chance that they're monitoring me." explained a familiar voice. "So Kohta, I don't think looking at the ladies taking a shower is going to end well for you or me."

"HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED THAT?!" snarled the German.

"Sierra 007, COME IN!" gleefully shouted the Brit, holding the transmit down on his helmet's transmitter. "This is the UNSC Infinity-"

Spork gasped. "UNSC Infinity, eh? You claimed you were going to stay in touch with me the entire time. Well, as you know, liar liar pants on fire. And SEE?! They ARE monitoring me!"

"Sierra 007, this is General McLeod, the only Scottish General in all of the UNSC!" Proudly announced the Scot, mistakened by _everybody _to be a British person.

"You're a SCOT? Why didn't you tell me?" asked the German. "And why are you wearing the Spartan-IV armor if you're a general?"

"Who said Generals can't wear MK. VII? Sierra 007, what is your current status? And location?"

Spork sighed. "Uhhh... Tokyo? I'm ok, and-"

"TOKYO! THAT'S GREAT!" General McLeod fistpumped in success. "Did your radar sense a Spartan-II in the near vicinity at any time?"

"Actually, it is showing that there is one right now."

"H-LL YEAHAH! Does it say what spartan-"

"Yeah. He's right in front of me." confirmed Spork. "He is Agent Maine, also known as the Meta."

"COUGH COUGH! I'm sorry, did I hear you correctly?" nervously joked General Scot. "COUGHCOUGH! Man, I have a _terrible _sickness!"

"It's the Meta, alright."

General McLeod had a heart attack. The Blood Gulch Spartans had a footage of Simmons pushing a Warthog over a cliff with the Meta tethered to it, and was presumed dead when he hit the floor and had the Warthog crush him. So he wasn't dead after all, nor was he crippled. _The d-mn Freelancers can survive hundred meter drops, getting crushed, and receiving a fatal barrage of fists, yet die from a few shots to the back. _Thought McLeod. "AUGH! KILL HIM!" he cried.

"W-what do you mean?" laughed Spork. "He's friendly. He lost all of his AI fragments and armor abilities, so he sort of gave up on that. Hey, can you send in some more Spartan-IIs? Like Stratos?"

"At the moment," sighed McLeod in relief, "we cannot risk sending in any more Spartan-IIs. Good luck, Sierra 007. UNSC Infinity over and out." He stopped transmitting and turned to the German.

"Send them all?" guessed the German. "Hypocrite."

Back on the train...

An hour had passed. All of the mercenaries were either staring into nothingness or just dozing off. Master Chief sat on the top with Red Sniper's rifle, randomly shooting one of them every once in a while. It was around 6:00 AM in the morning, and the rain had once again returned to flood everything senselessly. While the UNSC was able to contact Spartan 007 "Spork", the Blood Gulch Spartans (including Asia Argento, Haruhi, and Soap MacTavish), Master Chief and Cortana were unable to be reached.

"I found something interesting." said Cortana, waking up Master Chief.

"Well, what is it?" asked MC.

"There are no alternate 'copies' of anybody. So there are no alternate Sarges, Femscouts, and Abe Lincolns. Everybody is unique. However, alternate worlds and histories exist." Everything Cortana just said relieved the living daylights out of him. _So this is the real Cortana, not some alternate knock off._

Master Chief was curious. "Alternate timeline? Like one where the Covenant formed an unbroken peace with humanity? Also, where are you getting all of this information?"

"There's even a universe where the Third Reich won World War 2 and took over the entire world and developed technology that wouldn't be available for another 200 years. All of this is happening in the 1960s."

"All of this is happening..." mumbled Master Chief, "...and I'm not that surprised. When I was young, I predicted something like this would happen. And when something like this happens, one Spartan-II isn't enough. In the battlefield, there is no such thing as too much. Stratos would easily make all of this seem like a water balloon fight. Just give her a sniper rifle and witness the headshot symphony before your very eyes."

"Too bad they aren't sending in any more." called Isaac Clarke from the freight car. "They would've told you already, unless the communications are f—ked up." Master Chief hit the transmit button down on his helmet and listened carefully, but only got static as a response.

"KzhkzhzkhkzzhhhhSEE?! I TOLD YOU THE MASTER CHIEF AIN'T HEREKsshshzshzkhkhhsshh Wait, what? Do we have a kszhhhhshzhkhkhshh-" The static returned once again and mysteriously disappeared.

"Yep, it isn't working." confirmed Master Chief. Without communication, he could not report his findings to the UNSC, request for backup (preferably Stratos, the modern William Tell), or just talk to whoever was listening. Isaac Clarke and Samus were dealing with similar problems, so one could say they had a communication blackout and a crazed freakout. It was like trying to shoot a sniper rifle on full-auto: the first few seconds are successful, but after that it just goes downhill.

Isaac Clarke popped his head out of the makeshift roof access, and tried to transmit a message.

"Well, sh-t."


	28. Lunchtime and Kurumi Time

Chapter 28

Normally, Akeno would seem to be an affable anime highschool girl who was unusually attractive.

But the truth was...

"AUGH!" cried 1337. In the Savannah, Sarge's plan to keep morale up was failing so far. The stories were mostly printed FanFiction stories that were terribly written, the World War Z book was accidentally destroyed when Asia was in a target practice session led by Sarge, and the TV was disintegrated when Rias demonstrated her demonic power of destruction and the dangers of too much television. Akeno dug her heel into 1337's back, which instead relaxed instead of tensing up. "Aahhhhhh... please do that again... you are good at massaging... YEOW!" To compensate, she smashed her heel on his groin instead. Before this incident, the boredom in the hangar led to the decision of a match between the famed Spartan 1337, one of the best Spartan-IIs in all of the UNSC, versus the lightning queen Akeno, who was apparently taking pleasure in pwnin' 1337.

"Dude, _what _are you doing?" demanded Church. "Normally, if somebody did this to you, and if he or she wasn't affiliated with the UNSC in any way, you would've went apesh-t crazy. WHAT'S WRONG?!"

"The awesomecodeOW says that you musn'tOW hit ladiesOW and that it is forbiddenOW!" grunted Spartan 1337 as Akeno continued stomping on his balls. She formed a ball of lightning and hurled it at 1337, shocking his a-s off (figuratively). As seconds passed the match turned into a torture show, with Akeno giggling as she inflicted deathly amounts of pain on him. _So Akeno's a sadist? _1337 suddenly realized as she pulled his feet and once again smashed her heel into his groin, yet the pain was already numbing. _Well, the awesome code says nothing about sadists..._

"Akeno-San, don't you think that's enough?" Rias said as she raised an eyebrow.

"But I was just getting started..." seductively purred Akeno, dropping 1337.

Spartan 1337 was best known for his critical timing, reflexes, thinking, and speed. All of these traits made him a great leader, but he normally dragged the team down because of his celebrations every time he scored a headshot with a scoped weapon of any kind. Luckily for him, his reflexes were still intact. Using his feet as pivots, he dug them into the floor and pushed himself up only with his arms. When he was standing up, he reached behind him and used Akeno's shoulders also as a pivot to flip himself behind her. Turning around, Akeno received a metal punch to the face, followed by a roundhouse kick to the stomach.

"PLEASE FORGIVE ME!" frantically prayed 1337, falling to the floor and entwining his fingers. "Although you gotta admit, that _was _pretty awesome." He was caught off guard, and thus received a lightnin' fast thunder punch to the face as well. Revenge was served... fried.

Later...

It was near lunchtime back at the planet Reach. Haruhi had just finished preparing the squid and freezer-burned chicken with the miraculous help of the AI Church, who was utilizing the internet as his trusty companion. But since then, Haruhi-Chan and Caboose had mysteriously disappeared when she was waiting for the food to cool down. Sarge ordered Tucker and Grif to search for them, and so far it wasn't going so well.

"Hey, how about we check the bedrooms?" Grif suggested.

"What," responded Tucker as he walked to the bedrooms, "those crappily-made things built out of crates and cardboard boxes to retain privacy and suck at it? _Those _things? Sure, it's the only place we didn't check."

"HEY! I spent _hours _building them!" Grif shouted in defense of his efforts as they neared the bedrooms. Caboose's room was the only one with the "door" closed, with some weird, wet and moaning sounds emerging from it. Dirty thoughts filled the two Spartans' minds.

Tucker looked at Grif, who looked back at him.

"THE F—K?" whispered Grif. "ARE THEY-"

"Uh... do these helmets have night vision?" asked Tucker. Once again, his mind woke up from its dormant state and was now bouncing around the walls. Grif nodded in response, turning on his NV. Now, what night vision does is make everything seem _much _brighter, so the nighttime looks like it's daytime. Just _imagine _what would happen if you used it an an already sufficiently lit room or looked at the sun when it was on, let's just say that your eyes would be raped.

Tucker kicked open the door and stormed in with Grif next to him. What they saw was _horrifying._

"EATING MAC N' CHEESE IN THE DARK IS **SO MUCH FUN!**" Caboose declared happily. Sitting next to him was Haruhi, holding a bowl of steaming Mac N' Cheese and shoveling spoonfuls of Mac N' Cheese into his mouth and using a different spoon to feed herself. _NO! IT CAN'T BE! _Tucker fell to his knees and rested his face in his hands. _MY FOOD-LUSTING MIND! AUGH! _So far, the Spartans and demons were living off of crappy foods that tasted like dog poop. The bread was revealed to have mold, most of the Spartans detested spinach and broccoli, none of them were exactly willing to drink human milk, and the orange juice _had pulp_. Tucker's mind, instead of perverted things, was now set on food. And now here were Caboose and Haruhi, enjoying their lunch of Mac N' Cheese without the fear of finding any dead or alive roaches and crickets in it.

"I KNOW!" agreed Haruhi. Grif's was undergoing mental insanity. Caboose would _never _do such a thing, hiding the delicacies from the rest of them. She noticed the two Spartans in the doorway and failed to realize that they had night vision on when she activated the lights on her helmet that was resting on her lap. Instantly, Grif and Tucker clawed at their visors and screeched like a dracula-banshee who was exposed to garlic that was shaped like a cross and giving off light while simultaneously stabbing its heart and injecting molten silver in. See what I mean? Light and nightvision goggles _do not mix. _"Oh, is it lunchtime?"

"What's for lunch?" asked Tucker. The match ended with Akeno as the victor and 1337 in hellish amounts of suffering.

"FRIED SQUID!" exclaimed Haruhi, bursting in the room. Like a pro, she tossed dishes in the air and they miraculously landed in front of the Spartans and demons. 1337 limped over and helped serve the seemingly undercooked squid, and Soap was the first to take a bite. He immediately spat it out in mushy chunks and criticized,

"THIS SQUID IS SO UNDERCOOKED THAT I CAN STILL HEAR IT TELLING SPONEGBOB **TO F—K OFF!** WHO COOKED THIS?!"

"Do I look like a sh-t dispenser?" groaned Church. Apparently, he instructed Haruhi on how to fry the squid they salvaged and horribly failed. "If you want to blame somebody, blame _me. _Haruhi is ten thousand times the cooker I'll ever be, because 1) I'm an AI, 2) I'm a freaking AI, and 3) I'M A MOTHERF—KING AI." Soap just looked at Church with a WTF look on his face, clearly indicating he didn't grasp the context of Church's statement.

Church elaborated, "Do I look like I give out FREE SH-TS?!"

"Bloody h-ll, lad. Speak freaking English for once, I can't understand a single word you're saying-"

"DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A SH-T?" Church was on the last straw. "Here, how about you try this chicken?" Almost as if on cue, 1337 leapt up and left the room, then returned holding a silver platter with steaming chicken wings and legs. Soap and Grif took a bite, with the latter making his own opinion on the chicken.

"This chicken is so undercooked it still clucks when I chew it." commented Grif. "Hey, Gasper, what do you think?" The Arbiter, meanwhile, was scarfing down the squid and chicken. Never in his entire life had he tasted such a delicacy, and it was also his first meal that humans normally ate.

"It tastes like garlic!" complained Gasper. Rias forgot to mention that his shyness was Gasper's weakness, so for the entire lunch he preferred to eat in a cardboard box. Church sighed and rested his face in his hands.

_MY GOD._

Somewhere in Japan, not the one where Spork is at...

"DUDES! CHECK IT OUT!" In a peaceful corner of the multiverse that was unaffected by the ruptures, a shocking discovery would completely f—k the living sh-t out of the nearby cities. "GUESS WHAT I FOUND IN THE FOREST!"

"What is it?" groaned a voice. "Chocochip ice cream?"

"NO! A HOT BABE!"

"Ethan, come _on._" A girl, no more than thirteen years old, walked out of the shade. She wore, for some reason, a white beanie, a short pink skirt, a black tank top, had waist-length BLUE HAIR, and a white purse. "It's 40 degrees Celcius out here. Look, Lucas is starting to hallucinate now because of your constant nagging and the hike back here." She pointed to a boy, the same age as her, lying face flat on the ground.

"Sohoooot..." Lucas groaned. "Why am I even wearing long jeans anyways..." He clearly made a poor choice of clothes. His black shirt with white sleeves conducted more heat than anything else, and little did he know that a hot water pack was hidden in his red beret-like hat. The sagging weight on his backpack only added to the exhaustion. "...anditsonly8am... ugh..."

"I guarantee, it's DEFINITELY going to be worth the weight- er- walk!" assured Ethan. The red, long sleeved sweater he wore and black shorts didn't stop him at all as he ran into the forest, pulling the girl along with him, who was holding Lucas's hand. _Why is he even taking me there?! _She angrily thought. "LOOK!" loudly whispered Ethan, adjusting his black and yellow cap turned backwards. "THERE SHE IS!"

Lucas had just regained consciousness and was now looking at the heaven before his very eyes. The forest they were in effectively sealed off all sunlight and was _incredibly _moist and lacked sufficient lighting. A crater ten meters deep and 20 meters in diameter was in the ground, with purple light rising off of it. Standing in the center was...

"The heck?" Lucas stumbled back and pointed a shaky finger at the "chick" in the center of the crater. "Isn't she..."

"..HOT?!" Ethan was about to fall head-over-heels, and his pupils were _literally _pink hearts.

"NO!" Lucas whispered back. "I was going to say that I know her!"

"Really? Who is she?" asked the girl.

"Well, Dawn, if I remember correctly, her name is Kurumi or something like that. I never knew much about her, even though she was my neighbor ever since I was born, only that she's 17, is a girl, and is from this region." She is a girl with black hair in long twintails and wore a black and crimson frilled dress. Her right eye is red in color while her left eye is gold and eerily bares similarity to a clock with two hands. "The only times I saw her, she was _always _wearing this... uh... Gothic Lolita dress."

Kurumi looked right into Ethan's eyes, whose pupils were ten times bigger than they normally were.

"SH-T!" cried Ethan in surprise. It turns out she was just looking at a bird that settled on a fallen branch next to them, and that she didn't know they were there until Ethan shouted. Her hands behind her back were revealed. "AUGH! WHAT?! SHE HAS A GUN?!" Kurumi was hiding a flintlock pistol behind her back, and it was _not _a decorative dud. It was real.

"Goodbye." she smiled. "It was a pleasure being your neighbor... Lucas."

_How does she know my name? We barely talked to each other!_

Kurumi raised her firearm and fired it into the air. Lucas was already on the floor with his arms around Dawn and Ethan, trying to protect them from what he thought was a bullet about to strike one of them. A sound, one that sounded like a combination of a tornado, hurricane, rainstorm, thunder, and an earthquake. Purple light ripped through the trees blocking out the light and disintegrated them. Kurumi had mysteriously disappeared, leaving the three in the forest that was about to be the site of a spacetime rupture.

In the distance, an alarm could be heard. It was the kind that gave you a heart attack every time it was heard. Following the alarm was a public announcement over the itercom.

"A SPACEQUAKE IS ABOUT TO COMMENCE. PLEASE SEEK SHELTER IN YOUR NEAREST BUILDING."

_It's not a spacequake._

All of the trees were uprooted.

_Alright, time to test out his skills!_

Ethan was not going to die today. And neither were Lucas and Dawn. Ethan reached into his pocket and took out a ball the size of his hand. It was half red, half white, and had a white circle surrounded by a black line where the two colors met. "ARE YOU READY, DONO?!" He tossed the ball in front of him and it exploded in a burst of red light, contrasting with the purple death in the sky. "DONO! USE PROTECT!" Instantly, a blinding yet transparent dome of blue light surrounded Ethan, Lucas and Dawn. The purple light subsided into a single speck that floated to the ground.

The instant it made contact with the earth, a column of dark purple rocketed up into the sky for 5 seconds and just _exploded. _A black, purple, and pink dome rapidly expanded and engulfed everything it came into contact with, dissipating it into nothingness. But inside the dome, it was as if nothing was happening. In fact, the grass was still dancing as if there was a wind. Lucas slowly opened his eyes to see Dawn frantically typing something on her iPhone 7. _We're in the middle of a spacequake and Dawn's TEXTING?! #It'stheendoftheworld indeed._

"I hope the spacequake only gets as far as Eterna..." whimpered Dawn.

Lucas interrupted "...and man, did that escalate quickly!"

Meanwhile...

"HOLY SH-T! Guys, did you see that?! Leaf, did you-"

"Blue, how could we miss that?" groaned Leaf. "Just _how _could I miss the brightest thing in the sky? Of course I saw it. Also, if you didn't notice already, we still have a class to guide." she motioned behind Blue to a classroom of 8, 9, and 10 year olds who apparently heard what Blue had just said, including his exclamation.

"Uh, Blue-San?" asked one of the students. Blue and Leaf were in their thirdyear of high school and needed to fill up their resume with volunteer hours, and that included being substitute teachers for elementary schoolers. So far, they weren't so good at it. "What does sh-t mean?" As a teacher, Blue needed to fulfill his duty and answer every question his student asked,

"GREAT QUESTION!" Blue held up his hand with his index finger sticking up. "When you're surprised at something you _never _expected, you say 'HOLY SH-T!' When you take a dump, you are taking a _nice sh-t! _When somebody is really pissing you off, they are a _sh-tty douchenozzle!_ Repeat after me; SH-" a thumb and index finger forcefully grabbed his ear and nearly ripped it off.

"Blue, don't contaminate them." sighed Leaf. "Guys, that is a bad word. _Never _say it. BLUE, APOLOGIZE!"

"I'm sorry..." he mumbled, "...NOW LET'S GO!" The so-called "spacequake" was 100 miles away and only had a diameter of 1 mile, fresh with no deaths or injuries (excluding animals and plants). "Up ahead, you will see a school that goes by the name of Seishou Academy! We know basically _nothing _about the school except for the fact that A BUNCH OF HOT CHICKS ATTEND IT, ELEMENTARY, MIDDLE SCHOOL, AND HIGHSCHOOL ALIKE!" Ever since Seishou Academy was established 5 months ago, gunshots were heard from inside its prisonlike concrete walls. Nobody who has worked there has never been inside, looked inside, or even _knew _what was inside.

"Please stay on track." sighed Leaf. If Blue wasn't here, she would've been done hours ago.

"Right." Blue cleared his throat. "Anyways, that's the end of the field trip."

"WHAT?!" Leaf glared at him and clenched her fist. "BLUE, THIS IS OUR FUTURE! WE NEED THOSE HOURS-"

"I received a text from Hikari-Chan." He held up his iPhone 3Gs, and saw a concise text sent by Dawn:

**HELP**

"Since Hikari-Chan... uh... Dawn... was in the Sinnoh region, the same place of the spacequake, I have reason to believe that she was caught in the blast and is in dire need of assistance, for it is the _right _thing to do!" Blue held up his clenched fist. "Alright, kids, show's over! I have some RESCUING TO DO!" His fist relaxed, revealing a red and white ball. "PIDGEOTTO, FLY!" The ball exploded into red light and out emerged a large, brown raptor-like bird. Covered with brown feathers and has a cream-colored face and underside, it had a crest of pink feathers on its head and black streaks behind its eyes. Its tail was red, and had gray talons. Instantly, the bird flew up into the air and dive-bombed onto Leaf, swooping her onto Pidgeotto's back and behind Blue. "SMELL YA LATER, KIDS!" Blue waved his hand back to the confused students on the floor and smiled to himself.

Tokyo...

_Man, it really is boring up here. _Spork was overlooking the city in ruins as a battle unfolded around the hotel. It was not one between human and undead human. It was one between undead humans and the Necromorphs. Even from the safe scouting and sniping position from the roof, he could see the true danger of those arm bladed creatures. His visor could zoom in up to one thousand times, for... you know... convenience. Spork used his hands as pretend binoculars so he could focus more on what he saw through his "binoculars", not everything else that could distract him.

"Hello!"

The voice was not one Spork recognized, so when he turned around and deactivated the magnification, a thousand heart attacks rang in his heart. Standing in front of him was a girl, perhaps 16 years old and had the freakiest eyes ever. One was blood red, and the other was golden and had a pupil bearing resemblance to a clock. Just _how _did she get there?

"WUAH!" Spork stumbled back and held his hands up. "W-w-who are you? H-how did you get up here? W-w-why are you here?"

"How are you doing?" Her hands were hidden behind her back, and Spork realized he was looking too low and pried his vision off of her chest.

"Uh... nice dress?"

"I asked you a _question_." her tone shifted, and Spork could see what she was hiding behind her back.

"UH FINE!" he responded. Nervousness was taking over his mind. "H-how are you?"

She closed her eyes and smiled. "I couldn't be better! Thank you!" Spork slowly backed up until he was sitting on the edge of the hotel and facing her. "Do you want to know why I am here?"

Spork quickly nodded. Her looks could be decieving, leading to the theory that she was a murderer under her polite manners. "Yes, please!" Once again, his eyes trailed down as she slowly approached him and crawled on top of him. Only one hand was hiding her secret behind her back, the other supporting herself. "Eeeeuuhh... why are you on top of me?" Kurumi revealed what was behind her back; a flintlock sidearm with the metal slug, .995 caliber, sticking out of the barrel that was filled with gunpowder. You're supposed to put in a few wisps of gunpowder in it before firing, but it looked like she _really _wanted to ensure a kill. It would go off in her hands like a bomb, though.

"EHEHEH! DON'T KILL ME! EHEHEHEHEH!" Spork pleaded, and turned his face away from her whilst using his arms to flail them around. Almost as if she was commanded, Kurumi got off of him and raised her flintlock so it was pointed at the sky.

"I'm not here to kill you." she said, grinning. Spork got up and looked at her, no longer afraid but utterly confused. "I'm here to show you the source. I am not the only one, though."

"W-what?"

The trigger was pulled, but no BANG was heard. Instead, a purple dot flew up into the air and slowly drifted to the floor. "I'll be seeing you later.

Oh, and just so you know...

...my name is Kurumi." she waved to Spork 007 as a faint purple light surrounded her and faded, leaving nothing behind. _Just teleport away? _Spork thought as he saw the dot near the floor. _Well, THAT is something you don't see every day!_

_Ting._

The dot had touched the floor.

_What the-! _A column of purple light exploded up into the air and blinded 007 for 5 seconds. His vision returned to normal, and the purple pillar was still there. It was as wide and long as the Statue of Liberty, but its height seemed indefinite. Debris, pieces of concrete, cement, and other building materials, mutilated bodies, and even the undead were not the only things being sucked into the column and hurled upwards. Light _itself _was being sucked in, robbing Spork of his vision and leaving only the purple pillar of death. _Well, looks like the outcome isn't going to end well. _Mentally said Spork as he ran back inside the hotel to see Maine looking out a window, dazed. "Alright, Maine, WHERE ARE THE REST OF THEM?!"

He never got a reply.


	29. Kurumi PLUS Issei EQUALS Rate and Review

Chapter 29

_If you haven't realized already, this story is all about me. Spork is my OC and (__**excluding the age and some parts of his personality**__) matches my personality, all of the characters in this story are from games or anime I have an interest in (even though I practically quit gaming), and this story is what I wish my life was like. Ah... fat chance._

Ughu.

_Well, would you look at that._

_The first thing I see is blinding light._

_Not the chest of the clock-eyed girl Kurumi._

_Oh well. I'm lucky to be alive._

"Oh, that smarts!" wailed Spork. His helmet was missing, but his armor was still on. Wherever he was, he no longer had the anime appearance. And what on Earth was that freaking incessant banging noise in the distance? "H-hell-o? Is anybody there?" Strangely, his pains were disappearing. Spork completely opened his eyes and looked straight at Asia.

"Oh! He's awake!" Asia announced. A familiar purple-armored Spartan entered the room.

"DOC! Hey, Doc! What's going on? How's red and blue team? How's 1337 and Nicole-458? Who is this girl?" Spork's torrent of questions never stopped. "HEY! WHERE ARE THEY? You know, Takashi, Saya, Rei, Alice, Kohta, Shizuka, and Saeko? They were with me, right? Oh yeah, I found the source of the spacetime distortions! I recorded all of it so I could post it on... REDDIT! THE FRONT PAGE OF THE INTERNET!"

Doc facepalmed. "Dude, calm down! Exerting yourself isn't going to end well, considering your condition! This girl is Asia Argento, and please don't judge her by her looks.

"Obviously, I would never do such a thing because 1) I am a gentlemanly Spartan-II and 2) she looks like she's from anime." replied Spork. "Plus, she has a face _anybody _can love!" Asia blushed madly and quickly left the room. "And what the heck happened? How did I get here?" Doc turned around, in the direction of a loud noise similar to a UNSC Slipspace bomb that lasted for 3 seconds. Shockwaves rippled through the air, similar to what a gravity hammer emitted.

"I'll explain later." Doc promised as he poked his head around a crate.

Suddenly, Donut's voice rang out for everybody to hear. "WHOA! Girl, I have no idea where you came from, but you sure look great in that _frilled _dress!" A crash sounded. "MAN! Other than your looks, you have one excellent throwing arm!" Another crash was heard, this time louder and with more aggression. "Hey, you have red and gold eyes! SEEEXY! Are you from an anime?" Instead of a crash, a gunshot pervaded through the hangar. "Man! Spork's missing out on some action! Too bad he's in the corner, recovering from his wounds!" An incredibly loud SMASH sent Donut flying past Spork and Doc while narrowly missing Asia. Then there she was, red and gold eyes staring straight into Spork's as her red and black Gothic Lolita dress waved in the air. Her dark hair, in two long ponytails, lolled to her side and ended near her hips that had a holster attached. For a second, Spork thought she was the goddess of beauty, despite the fact that he was Christian and that this girl was 16.

"Hello, Kurumi-Chan!" Cheerfully greeted Spork with his hasty knowledge of Japanese honorifics. "Pleased to meet you again! I have to say, that dress really firs your hairstyle and eye colors! It's the perfect combination of-" A barrel from a .600 Nitro Express revolver instead of the flintlock was pointed in his face, silencing him. The only real use for a .600 Nitro Express revolver was to stop elephants from robbing your house, or maybe to show off at the shooting range. "Uh... Doc!"

Doc was hiding behind a crate with Asia. He poked his head out and asked "What?"

"She's the source of theOWOWOWOWOW OK!" Winced Spork 007 as Kurumi pressed the barrel against his forehead. If only he had his helmet on. "So uh... Kurumi-Chan! How are you doing?" When 007 finished his sentence, Kurumi pressed the barrel of the revolver against his forehead _so hard _it started bleeding.

"You are here to kill me?" she demanded an answer. "You are here to kill me, correct?"

"What?! NO!" Spork almost laughed from the absurdity of her question. "I would _never _kill somebody like you! But if you truly _are _the source of these things, then-"

"-then you're going to kill me?" The hammer of the revolver was pulled back. Not a good sign.

"NO! If you're the one who's causing all of this, maybe we can have a discussion... and ask you to stop doing this... you know? The pen is mightier than the sword, except in this case it's a mouth!" Spork reasoned. "It is the gentlemanly way, and the _only _way to do it! And guys, you can lower your weapons now. We're going to negotiate." Tucker, Sarge, Simmons, Grif, 1337, Nicole, Agent Washington, the Arbiter, Issei, Rias, Akeno, Koneko, Kiba, and Xenovia lowered their guns, swords, and hands ready to shoot out lightning and rays of destruction.

5 minutes later...

"So... who or what are you, Kurumi-Chan? Where are you from?" As a Freelancer, you had to be a good negotiator and interrogater. Agent Washington was adept at both.

"I am Kurumi Tokisaki from the Sinnoh Region." she answered. They were sitting down at the dining room, and so far no blood was spilled. "But it is only fair that you tell me who you are as well. So, who are you people?" The Arbiter was the first to speak up.

"My name is Thel' Vadam, a warrior from the Sangheili genus and the planet Sanghelios. These are my acquaintances."

"So, uh, my name is Leonard Church. I'm an artificial intelligence created by the guys who hired Agent Washington, and these are my friends. Here is Caboose, the guy in dark blue, Tucker is next to him, our leader and team engineer Sarge, the team's hacker Simmons, Grif the guy in orange, Donut in pink-"

"-it's not pink!" corrected Donut. "It's salmon! I mean, it's lightish red!"

"-Donut in lightish red, our team's medic Doc, Agent Washington the Freelancer, the masters of hand to hand combat (1337 and Nicole), Agent Maine, Iseei Hyoudou, Rias Gremory, Akeno Himejima, Koneko Toujou, Yuuto Kiba, Asia Argento, Xenovia, Soap MacTavish, Spartan 007 AKA Spork, and finally Haruhi. We're from the warring states of North America, Japan, Soap is from Scotland, and Spork's from Singapore. Correct?"

"Hey, where did Rei and the others go?" asked Spork. "You never answered my question."

"So the United States of America falls..." Kurumi stood on the table and suddenly absorbed all light in the room, giving her a luminous appearance. Her pale skin, dress, and differently colored eyes glowed as she smiled _so creepily _that it looked like she was from a creepypasta. She slowly turned her head around while it was twitching and jerking invountarily and looked at Spork, then gave him the creepy closed smile.

"W-what's up with that smile?" He stuttered in fear, slowly backing away from her and falling back in his chair. It wasn't like he was planning on sleeping or anything, especially not with that image forever bored into his eyes; the beautiful yet unusually creepy Kurumi.

"Uh, is something wrong?" asked Doc. The eyes were now on Doc's, silencing him. Kurumi's look was the "I'm going to rape you 'til you're dead" or "I can see you when you're sleeping" kind.

"Hey, Kurumi-Chan..." Agent Washington said slowly, "...please, calm down. Now, _slowly_, put... the... gun... down." Almost as if on que, she dropped the revolver.

BANG! Spork didn't have his helmet on, so his ears bled when the gun misfired and as the bullet sped through the air, going straight for his right eye.

Meanwhile...

"Wow, the view's _awesome _from hereAAAAHHHHH!" A pair of binoculars fell to the ground, accompanied by droplets of blood.

"Oh my g-d, Touya! I'll go call an ambualnce!"

Touya threw off his red and white cap. "NO! THAT... WAS... AWESOME!" he admitted, even with blood dripping out of his eye sockets. "Was that another spacequake?!" His blue sweater and black pants were stained with blood. "Oh, man, I really need to see that again!"

"It wasn't a spacequake! It's too bright to be one!"

"Nonsense, Touko-Chan! Don't call an ambulance! I'm telling Brendan and May!" Touya ran off with blood streaming from his eyes and Touko just staring at him as if he was a drug addict. _Oh, man, that was WICKED! _Happily thought Touya as he ran off down the street. _Wow, what a nice view! I'd have to say that came all the way from... Sinnoh? Along with that, I have a PERFECT view of the sunset!_ He stopped looking at the setting sun and looked forwards to see a beauty before his eyes. _HOOOH CRAP! _Touya smiled like he was high. _Isn't she the new transfer student at our school? The one with a red eye?! _Hey black, shoulder-length hair shone brightly as she walked in his direction. _She always covers her left eye with her bangs, but who gives a crap?! SHE'S HOT! _As she walked past, she smiled at him. _Isn't her name... Tokisaki Kurumi? _(the Japanese naming order is backwards, so Rias Gremory is Gremory Rias in their naming system)

Touya's bleeding eyes were still glued to her as she walked across the street and next to a wall. In an alleyway she walked by, some 3 guys, presumably pedorapists, jumped her and led her inside the alley. _WAH! Not good. _Thought Touya as he jaywalked... jayran across the street and narrowly missed a cement truck zooming by. _I MUST SAVE HER-_ suddenly, a horrific scream lingered through the air. Nobody heard it (except for Touya), and it wasn't the voice of Kurumi. Touya approached the alleyway and was greeted with a long spray of blood flying past his eyes and spraying all over the alley's left wall. A sound similar to a tree branch breaking sounded, followed by a bone-chilling cry of pain. More blood was splattered, this time covering both walls. Touya dared not to look inside. "No, no! PleaseIbegofyou!" cried one of the pedorapists inside. She apparently ignored his pleas for mercy, because a loud CRUNCH sounded, spraying some gray and pink matter all over the walls.

He walked inside the alley to see Kurumi standing over a corpse. Its head was stoved in and brains were slipping out of it like wet oats. She held a large rock in one hand and a dismembered human arm in the other, while looking down at the body. Her black and red school uniform was now stained and splattered with crimson. To say that it was a lurid sight would be a misunderstanding. It was more like a dismemberment party. Slowly, involuntarily jerking and twitching her head, Kurumi looked at the Touya who was losing it and having a heart attack.

She slowly walked to him, dropping the arm and the rock.

_OHHH SH-T! I'M A WITNESS! SHE NEEDS TO DISPOSE OF WITNESSES! HHOOOOOHHHH CRAP! I NEVER EVEN SAID BYE TO MY PARENTS YET! _Kurumi was now standing face to face with Touya, who was slightly taller than her.

"Will you promise not to tell anybody?" she pleaded.

Touya's eyes bled profusely. His heart was ready to explode. One wrong action, and he was sure that his arms would be ripped off.

"Ok." Touya peeped out, immobilized by fear. For some reason, nobody was around.

"How do I know I can trust you?" asked Kurumi.

_By killing me. Yep, I'm a goner._ Two can keep a secret, but only if one is dead.

"I know." She had an idea. "Come closer."

30 seconds later...

_Ooohhhh..._ Touya stumbled out of the alleyway and fainted. _Well, that was probably the best day of my life._ Kurumi just served justice to the 3 pedorapists with the punishment as no arms and crushed heads.

"Touya?! TOUYA?!" Cried Touko as she hurried over to him. "Are you-"

"I'm fine..." he whispered. "...I got to see Kurumi-Chan's-"

"BLAUUUUURGH!" Somebody vomited all over the floor, and Touko looked up to see who it was. "HOH MY GOSH! Touko! Did you see what happened here?! Touya! Did you-"

"No... I didn't see anything, Brendan..." he mumbled, regaining consciousness. As part of his promise on not telling the authorities what was happening, Kurumi showed him what he had longed to see for weeks, ever since she enrolled in his high school.

_Her other eye._ No, Touya was not a pervert.

_Wow, I wish I had contacts like that..._ he thought, barely awake at all. _...unless they're real..._

"They are."

Earlier...

"EVERYTHING IS PURPLE!" Sang Spork in the tune of _Everything is Awesome_. "EVERYTHING GLOWS PURPLE, AND I DO NOT KNOW WHY. EVERYTHING IS PURPLEEEEEE! EVERYTHING IS PURPLEEEEEE! EVERYTHING IS-"

"And everything isn't moving as well. Odd." remarked Grif as he observed Haruhi and the others, whose faces were stuck in shock. "Wait, didn't Rias mention something about Gasper stopping time? Is this what time stopped looks like?"

"GASPER!" Tucker exclaimed, who was pointing to a cardboard box in the room. "I never even knew you were there! Tell me, did you freeze time in this universe or everywhere else as well?" Gasper poked his head out of the box.

"Everywhere!" he cried. "But I can't keep it up for long!" Spork went to work. First, he picked up the revolver and snapped it in half. Next, he picked up the bullet, still in mid-flight, and placed it away. Then, he walked out of the room and came back in with his helmet on, then walked up to the frozen Kurumi still standing on the table.

"Hey, Kurumi-Chan!" Spork said. "How's it going? I must say, you have _great _aim! Nearly took my eye out back there, but it won't be a problem now." He put his arm over her shoulder and said, "Isn't this great? The ability to stop time? It's so... amazing. He walked back and forth on the table as he spoke. "Too bad it won't last long, though. So I must SAVOR EVERY MOMENT!" Suddenly, the purple glow started to fade. "Huh? Gasper, are you-"

"-I'm losing control! Quick, go back to your seats!" The purple rapidly faded as Grif and Tucker took their seats, but as Spork rushed back to his seat, he tripped over Rias's arm and flew forwards as Gasper completely lost control. For some reason, he didn't hit the floor. When he opened his eyes, he saw why.

_Oh crap._

Everybody in the room, excluding Spork and Kurumi, were speechless. The "cushion" Spork landed on was none other than her...

"Pervert." facepalmed Koneko.

"Nono, it was an accident! Right, Tucker and Grif?" they both nodded quickly. "See? It was an accident! How could I do such a thing?" Spork still had his face buried in Kurumi's chest as he looked up at her. "H-hey, Kurumi! This isn't what it seems! I'm serious!" _Great, the UNSC could be monitoring me! They're going to label me as a sex offender! EYAUGH! _And then the unexpected happened. She placed her hands on his helmet and pulled him in deeper. _Is this heaven? Or is this hell? Is the UNSC monitoring me? Or is it not? Am I dreaming?_

"Sierra 007, come in! This is the UNSC Nagato, please respond!" _Oh dear no. _Spork politely pushed himself off of Kurumi and stumbled backwards with the horrible truth, not caring that he fell off and got his balls smashed by Koneko. "I repeat, this is the UNSC Nagato, please respond!"

"This is Sierra 007. Were you monitoring my helmet camera?" asked Spork as he got up in pain.

"What? Yes, I was." _NOO! I'm going to be dishonorably discharged, be sent to jail, and be rejected from every job except McDonalds because I'M GOING TO BE LABELED AS A SEX OFFENDER! _"I just started when you fell off the table."

"Sorry, but I'm kind of busy right here. Sierra 007 out, and if you were wondering, we do not need support. Do _not _send in Spartan Stratos." He ripped the transmitter off his helmet and stomped on it, still trying to grasp what had just happened.

Aboard the UNSC Nagato, present time...

The UNSC Nagato was a unique ship owned by the UNSC. It was as heavily modified UNSC Frigate that was as big as the moon, had two massive front thrusters on the side along identical to the two on the back, was painted khaki (#FFF68F HEX) with a thick, brick red stripe near the top running across its length, and instead of having one MAC (magnetic accelerator cannon, basically a gigantic railgun), it had 6 of them arranged like a minigun so it couold be reloaded quickly. The MAC Gatling gun was reloaded like a normal minigun could. Each individual cannon can destroy pretty much everything, like vehicles, city buildings, gigantic spaceships, and armies of animals, humans, and zombies. The rifling of the each cannon's barrel is unique from other railguns because of the fact that there are 1,000,000 turns per nanometer. Around the barrel is a magnetic coil to speed up the projectile. When it is fired, the slug rockets through the barrel at the speed of light, or 983571056 feet per second because of the powder in the slug's case. The instant the pin strikes the primer of the slug, an electrical signal is sent through the magnetic coil at the same speed and direction of the slug. This creates an extremely powerful electromagnet, an extremely powerful electromagnet that pulls the slug along _even faster with much more force. _Engineers used their extensive knowledge of physics to build a device that absorbs all the recoil of the weapon and directed the energy from the recoil to the slug, propelling it EVEN FASTER WITH A CRAPLOAD OF MORE POWER. Combine this with the fact that the rifling in the barrel will dramatically increase the aerodynamic stabilization and accuracy of the projectile, you have a railgun that can destroy any vehicle ever made in one well-placed shot (the slug must strike the engine) and pass through one mile of the hardest material ever made as if it were air. The projectile at its fastest can go up to 100 times the speed of light, thought to be impossible by the laws of physics (NOT ANYMORE). Now just imagine how this would perform with 60 shots per minute and 5 more of the cannons. Also take into consideration that the entire MAC Gatling gun was as long as the entire ship, so there was a _lot _of rifling. In fact, this weapon was so effective that it destroy planets and its total cost was 9 trillion dollars, not including the ship itself.

"Spartan 007's last known location was in the Savannah before we got a comms blackout. As you can see in the final seconds of the footage we got from his visorcam, you can see that he is _clearly _being held prisoner." Aboard the ship, in a war room, the footage was played showing Koneko stomping on Spork's groin, then his helmet. Everybody in the room gasped.

"I vote we send in Spartan Stratos! There is also a chance that the Blood Gulch Spartans are being held prisoner as well!" suggested a General in the room.

"Who votes that we should send in Stratos?" everybody in the room raised their hands, all with stars on their shoulders. "This meeting is adjourned!"

"And it was incredibly short." somebody mumbled as he left the room.

In a different part of the Nagato...

"I hear they are going to send in Spartan 009!" One Spartan-III was all it took for the word to spread across the entire ship. "And I wish that the name _Yamato _was available, because it fits this ship more, y' know?"

"I like the name but BULLSH-T! If I know anything about Spork, the Blood Gulch Spartans, Agent Washington, and Thel Vadam, it's that they simply WON'T let themselves be held prisoner. Look at Sarge, Donut, and Agent Washington. _In less than 30 minutes, they broke out using only their bare hands." _reasoned an older Spartan-III."Sending Stratos in would be inefficient and one more Spartan-II to keep track of, even though her skills are barely on par with 117's. Perhaps greater than his."

"B-tch please." Said a female Spartan-III who was walking by. "Take a look at 1337's, Nicole's, and Spork's skills in hand to hand combat. Master Chief would die if he tried to fight them."

"STRATOS FTW!" called a marine who was jogging by. He was followed by a legion of marines, all chanting

"STRA-TOS! STRA-TOS! STRA-TOS!" as they passed the three Spartan-IIIs.

"Well, looks like Stratos wins."

Meanwhile...

The train wasn't heading for Alabama. Why? Well, a few hours ago they passed the great plains of America. It stretched from Texas and went north from there, but for some reason the train returned to the sea of grass. The trip now involved staring out the freight car's open doors and stare at _nothing. _Just grass and hills for miles on end, with no animals at all. _Miles _and _miles _of grass. Nothing else, just grass. Master Chief was still sitting on the top, looking out for an enemy that wasn't even there. "For a while, the great plains seem beautiful but eventually it boils down to the same thing over and _over _again." said Master Chief, breaking the silence.

"Too bad it was burned away in 2333, around the same time the United States of America turned into the Warring States of America." sighed Cortana. 2333 CE was a devastating time for the citizens of the USA. A president went corrupt, brainwashed the House of Representatives and the Senate so they would agree to every decision that was made, and one minute later, all states were now declared independent countries and tried to take over each other. So far, a ceasefire was made and all former states remained intact, except for a few redrawn borders in California and Texas. Alaska was a bloody battleground, with Russians and Canadians fighting over the 49th state. California decided to avoid the violence in Alaska and shared half of Hawaii and its states with Japan.

"NO WAY!" Scout stuck his head out of the freight car. "A COW!" He pointed excitedly with his robot arm to the cow chewing on its cud as the train passed. "THE FIRST ANIMAL WE EVER SAW!" A gunshot from Red Sniper's hunting rifle cracked, and the cow fell with its right eye blown up.

"Boom." smiled Red Sniper. "Headshot."

"W-WHATTHE..." Scout clenched his fists and went batsh-t on Red Sniper. "WHAT THE H-LL WAS THAT FOR?! You HAD to break the peace! It was _just a friggin' cow_! What did it do, terrorize your family?!"

"I was bored." reasoned Red Sniper. He walked into the freight car's corner, got out a mason jar, unscrewed the cap, and began to pee in it.

Something good isn't happening in the Savannah...

"K-Kurumi-Chan, can we sort this out non-violently?" Before she got a chance to respond, the Arbiter leapt up and tackled her. Both of them flew out of the "dining room" and ended up with Arby on the top, holding his energy sword against her neck. For compensation, she took out her flintlock pistol and shoved the barrel under his chin.

"Well, that escalated quickly." commented Church. Everybody in the dining room rushed out and surrounded Kurumi and the Arbiter. Guns were aimed, swords were steadied, and some fists were raised. "And guys, why don't we try out Doc's suggestion for once?"

"Were it so easy." sighed the Arbiter. "Negotiating is out of the question."

"So what do you want to do, just go trigger happy on her?" shouted Church. "COME ON! She can't be older than 16! Sure, she tried to kill Spork-"

"-twice." said Spork. "The reason why I'm here is because of _her._ She's the source of these... portals opening up everywhere. And _where the heck are Takashi, Rei, Kohta, Saeko, Saya, Alice, and Shizuka?!_ Don't tell me they're still in Tokyo!" Kurumi decided that the Arbiter was holding her at swordpoint for _too _long, so she kicked him off and shot at him with her pistol. The slug brushed the top of his skull as he fell to the floor.

"Zafkiel." Kurumi held up her right arm, and out of absolutely nowhere, a giant, golden clock appeared behind her. It was one of the old-fashioned kinds. "Do you know what this is? Of course you don't. You're just mere humans."

"This escalates _too _quickly." mumbled Soap.

"Do you see this?" Kurumi pointed to her left eye. "This... is my time. My _life._ Behind me is Zafkiel. Every time I use it, and as the days go by, my time is drastically cut down. In order to replenish my time, I must consume others' by killing them." Church gave her a WTF? look. All of this sounded like utter bullsh-t to him and a lame excuse for her to kill all of them. "I am a Spirit. The source of your so-called spacetime ruptures. Now for a little demonstration on how Zafkiel works." She aligned her pistol to the clock's seven and a black mist flew into the barrel. "This is the seventh bullet, Zayin."

Kurumi shot Kiba and Xenovia three times each. Instead of ripping through them, the slugs exploded when they impacted their heads. A purple and black aura was surrounding them, who were not moving. At all. "It temporarily slows time down on a target I shoot." she explained. Now that both of the knights were taken out, the group was now lacking in extreme speed and agility. Kurumi aimed her pistol to the one on the clock. "First bullet. Aleph, also known as _accelerated time._" The black mist flew into the barrel, which was pressed against her head and fired.

"LESS TALK MORE ACTION!" 1337 shouted, blinded by his one objective; avenging Xenovia and Kiba. _I don't need guns. _He thought, dropping his SKS and running up to Kurumi. In order to dodge her shots, he ran diagonally in unpredictable patterns until he was within "slam dunking range", and that involved getting dangerously close to her. 1337 leapt up, both fists balled together to deliver the KO slam, but she suddenly disappeared. _Oh yeah... doesn't her "first bullet" speed up whatever it touches? That means that... _two powerful arms grabbed 1337's sides and threw him to the ground. She landed on his groin, crunching it in the process but not inflicting any permanent damage. If it wasn't for the armor's crotch guard, blood would have been seeping out of his balls.

"Alright, let's just JUMP BEHIND THESE CRATES!" Ordered Sarge, shoving Rias and Akeno behind a thick pallet of crates. A metal slug ripped through the air, right where they were (not are. A big difference) standing. If they were shot, their extremely fast movements and reflexes would have probably disoriented them. Now it was Rias's time to pull Sarge behind their cover. The rest of the Spartans and demons ran behind a towering pillar of crates that were full of styrofoam and some machinery, which would act as good bullet-stopping cover for now. Rias leapt out from behind the pillar of crates and held out both of her arms. The red circles appeared on her palms, shooting out two beams of light and narrowly missing Kurumi.

"It has been proven that a woman's greatest fear is... humiliation and embarrassment." mumbled Tucker from behind the crate mountain. "If we could burn her clothes off or something..."

"...THAT'S IT!" Issei Hyoudou's mind was barraged by a wave of epiphanies. "Ddraig, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Of course I am." chuckled Ddraig. Issei's boosted gear glowed brightly. "BOOST!"

"As a pawn," explained Issei, "I have the ability to promote myself to a different chess piece because I made it to the enemies' base a while back, just like in a game of chess. How I got to promote myself is a long story. Anyways, cover fire for me and I'll temporarily promote myself to a knight, increasing my speed, agility, and reflexes. Just watch from there."

Tucker stuck his DMR's barrel out of the side of his cover and flipped it to full-auto, spraying bullets in Kurumi's direction, who his behind the massive clock she summoned. Issei ran out and shouted "PROMOTION! KNIGHT!" In the blink of an eye, he lunged to the clock and smashed it to millions of pieces with one punch of his Boosted Gear. Kurumi shot Issei in the left arm, but the slug merely bounced off.

"I have an idea!" Sarge said, taking out what looked like an ear for a headphone and one rectangular, purple lens for a pair of glasses attached to it. "This... is called a scouter! I made it myself, and what it does is it scans the target with a variety of x-rays, each with different intensity, so I can scan their mental capabilities! The scouter ranks targets from one to one hundred, one hundred being the best and one the worst!" Taking off his helmet and attaching the scouter on, he peeked out of the cover and scanned Kurumi, who was unleashing a barrage of bullets on Issei, but managed only to hit his armored forearm. The scouter's result drove Sarge to insanity, ripping it off.

"What does the scouter say about her power level?" questioned Koneko.

"IT'S OVER NINE THOUSAAAAND!" Sarge growled. He scanned Koneko, then said "Yours is OVER NINE THOUSAND AND ONEEEEE!" This was too much for the scouter and Sarge, who crushed it in his hand and put his helmet back on.

"You have much to learn, Tokisaki Kurumi." said Ddraig as her impending doom was near. "Issei's left arm is not his anymore. In exchange for his power exponentially raised, he sacrificed it to me, Ddraig. The red dragon emperor. Dragons are unaffected by time as well as a devil's weakenesses." Issei rested his hand on Kurumi's left shoulder, and a red circle like the one on Rias's palms briefly glowed.

"W-what?" Kurumi dropped her pistol. "My bullets have no affect?"

"ALRIGHT, DDRAIG!" Issei growled. "BOOST ONE FINAL TIME!"

"BOOST!"

Kurumi slowly walked backwards as Issei approached her with a perverted grin on his face. "W-what are you going to do to me? Stop looking at me like that!"

"Is he really going to use this..." Koneko facepalmed.

"What is he going to do?" Nicole asked. "Is he going to kill her?"

"Just watch."

Issei made one final step to Kurumi, who was backed against the wall.

"I never expected somebody as malevolent as you to act like this."

Holding up his Boosted Gear, Issei ran back and said to the Spartans, "Do you have cameras in your visors? If you do, get them ready for action." He faced Kurumi, who was frightened sh-tless, and uttered his final words that would change history forever:

"DRESS BREAKER!"

Issei snapped his fingers held up in the air.


	30. The Deal and the reunification

Chapter 30

It was _nothing _all of the Spartans had expected. Kurumi's red and black Gothic Lolita frilled dress just _exploded_ to shreds, revealing sexy black lingerie and a black garterbelt underneath. A second later, it exploded too.

Humiliation indeed.

"M-my Astral Dress..." mumbled Kurumi in horror, falling to her knees. "Without it, I'm powerless..."

Grif took off his helmet and rubbed his eyes. He rubbed them again. "Sarge, slap me on the face. As hard as you can." he demanded. SMACK! A red welt was now forming on Grif's cheek, but he didn't care. Putting his helmet back on, he zoomed in on Kurumi with his visorcam, then looked at Tucker. Tucker looked at Issei, who looked at 1337, who looked at Grif, and then they all looked forwards. What they saw was real.

"**BOOOOOOSH!**" Tucker, Church, Grif, Issei, 1337, and even Donut yelled, throwing their arms in the air. A high fiving spree was commenced, and next up was the photo massacre. Fortunately for Issei, who didn't have any _physical _camera, he was known in his old school for being able to mentally save pictures in his mind or even create them in astonishing detail. Taking one good look at the humiliated Kurumi, he squinted his eyes, closed them for 3 seconds, and saved it to his hard drive. Anytime he wanted, he could pull it up. "KURUMI'S NAKED KAWAII OPPAI!" exclaimed Issei, a torrent of blood gushing out of his nose.

Neither had the Arbiter or the entire Sangheili race had seen a female human without any clothes on. They didn't have the interest to study the human anatomy; they wanted to study the ancient alien artifacts scattered around the galaxy. But now Arby could see. "So this is a female human... interesting..." he mumbled.

"I have twenty pictures of Kurumi saved in Google Cloud!" Grif panted, barely containing his excitement.

"B-tch please, I took three hundred thirty three!" laughed Tucker.

1337 announced, "I took over nine thousand!" Everybody looked at him, green with envy. "BECAUSE I CAN!"

"Bow CHICKA BOW WOW!" Tucker high-fived 1337.

Soap sighed and commented, "Bloody hell."

"Perverts." facepalmed Rias and Koneko at the same time.

Even Doc was in on the act. "Oh, wow, this is the first time I get to see Kurumi's naked body!" he smiled uncontrollably as he took a picture. "Beautiful legs with a narrow waist and a slim figure?! IT'S LIKE A PAINTING BY LEONARDO DA VINCI!" The last time he saw a woman's bare chest was 29 years ago, when he was 1 year old. _I never knew anime could be so hot! _He thought, taking one final picture. _And I never expected a psychopathic killer who eats the life force off others like her to be in submission so easily!_

Spork, one of the Spartans who didn't take any pictures, walked up to Kurumi and put his hands on his hips. "Guys, I think we can make an arrangement now." He offered his hand to Kurumi and hauled her up, then turned around to face his colleagues as she hid behind Spork. "Ok, Kurumi-Chan!" He looked at her over his shoulder. "In return for your promise to not randomly kill anybody, not to set off another event, and your promise not to use the clock's power on any of us or our friends, we will allow you to come with us on our journey and kill anybody who gets in our way, then take their life force. Oh, yeah, and if you agree, I'll find some clothes for you and delete my friends' pictures they took of you."

"WHAT?!" Tucker, Grif, 1337, and Church shouted.

"Issei burned his pictures into his mind, so I'll try to delete those. If you try to kill or harm us in any way, we will post those pictures on Reddit and Issei place a dress breaker curse on you _so powerful _that anything you try to cover yourself with will be see-though, including walls. Deal?"

Kurumi glanced at him in disbelief and quickly nodded, too embarrassed to say anything and fearing herself being viewed by virtually anybody who had access to the internet. But before she could say anything, Spork (let's say off a nearby crate) picked up a Spongebob Squarepants blanket and wrapped it around her, then led Kurumi to the auto-augmenter, behind a barrage of crates. Tucker looked at Grif, who looked at Doc. "Guys, come on," sighed Doc, "Spork wouldn't do such a horrid thing. He knows that real men do not force themselves upon a woman."

"And he's only 15." finished off Haruhi. "I was poking around in his records. Like the other Spartan-IIs, he was kindapped at the age of 5 by the UNSC and trained to become a supersoldier, although he was already planning for a career of story writing."

"Wait, WHAT?!" Spork poked his head out. "H-how did you gain access?"

"Long story." Haruhi evaded the question _like a boss._ A ear-splitting sound of machinery activated, followed by screams of pain by Kurumi. Spork was planning not to find any clothes for her, but instead trying to give her a set of Spartan-II armor and bodysuit, and as a result, augment her and therefore making her _extremely _dangerous.

"WHOA! I have _never _seen armor like that before!" Spork exclaimed as he led Kurumi out for everybody to see. Red and black "Pathfinder" variant armor, with a red and black visor on the helmet. "Also, just _how _does the auto-augmenter know our favorite colors? Wasn't Kurumi-Chan wearing a red and black dress?"

"I dunno." said Sarge. "I just cobbled some pieces of machinery together, modified it, reprogrammed it, and added some finishing touches to it."

"So, Kurumi-Chan!" smiled Spork. "Do we have a deal?"

"I said yes already." she responded.

All of a sudden...

The blast doors were ripped open to reveal a purple pillar of light rising to the sky. Spork looked at Kurumi, who was instead smiling at him. "I thought we had a DEAL, Kurumichan!"

"There are other spirits." She kept on smiling. "I am not the only one. Besides, Issei Hyoudou managed to shatter my Astral Dress. Without one, a Spirit is powerless unless he or she can find another one." The pillar of light opened up a hole in the sky that was completely black, sucking up everything. Fortunately, the _Savannah _was frozen to the ground, so there was no way for the black hole to pull it in. Unfortunately, it was pulling the piles and piles of crates and car containers to it, creating an artificial obstacle course. One wrong movement, and you would be crushed like a bug. Instinctively, Spork picked up Kurumi and ran for one of the crates that were bolted to the floor.

A ear-killing sound ripped through the air. It sounded like an incredibly large sheet of ice cracking.

"Well, f—k." said Church. The black hole was trying to lift up the _Savannah _and spaghettify it. Inside a black hole, your very _atoms _are stretched apart and distorted until they are pulled apart to nothingness.

_Zip._

An interrogation room...

Steve woke up. He was in a white interrogation room, with one table, two chairs, and a one-way mirror. Sitting across him was a man with slightly long hair and a sideburn beard and mustache. He was wearing a white robe with a cross on it.

"Welcome!" He smiled. Steve backed the crap away from Jesus. _WHAT?! IS HE GOING TO CONDEMN ME TO HELL?! PLEASE, NOOO!_ "Do you know why you are here?" he asked.

"N-no..." mumbled Steve, looking at his hands as he twiddled his thumbs. "W-w-why?"

"You died. In the pine forest of Bellevue (let's just say Bellevue has a snow pine forest and a desert, ok?)."

"I did? So I'm in heaven?" Steve looked at his arms just to make sure he wasn't something else. "Well, then." he said, standing up and smiling. "Now that I'm here, where is the way out?"

"Not so fast!" shouted a voice, who crashed through the window. It was an angel, with a glowing halo above her head. "These records say he's not supposed to be her for another 99 years!" _99? So I die at 129 years of age? WOW! _Steve thought. Jesus looked at Steve and smiled, then pushed a button on the wall.

"Ok, then, see you later!" smiled Jesus. The floor opened up and Steve fell through.

"**WHAT THE FUUUUUU**UUUUUUuuuuuuuu..." shouted Steve as he fell through.

He looked down.

And screamed.

The great plains, on a train...

"OH SH-T!" shouted Red Heavy in his Russian accent. He pointed out the freight car's opening to the sky, where the clouds were swirling together. Leaves, rocks, and blades of grass levitated a few feet off the floor as a dark blue funnel dropped from the swirling sky, like a tornado. When the tip of the funnel touched the ground, all of the debris it picked up fell to the floor and a purple surge of light shot up into the sky and opened up a familiar shape that Master Chief, Isaac Clarke, and Samus recognized. "VHAT IS THAT?!"

"That..." Isaac Clarke said as he looked out the opening, "is a sign that we're about to be f—ked." Out came a dark purple outline of a UNSC Frigate. The aura surrounding the Frigate dissipated, revealing the side of the UNSC Frigate to Master Chief, Isaac Clarke, and Samus.

UNSC Savannah.

"Impossible..." muttered Master Chief. Suddenly, his comms went back online. "Wait.. what...? Is somebody... or something on that ship trying to contact me...?" He looked at the ship and heard a voice:

"F—KING RUUN! WHO CARES IF WE'RE GOING TO DIE! LET'S JUST THROW OUR HANDS UP IN THE AIR AND SCREAM!" It was Private Grif. His voice was _too _recognizable by Master Chief. A voice in the distance insisted, "NO! Grif, we're going to survive this!" It wasn't one that he recognized because of the Scottish accent. Another voice was heard, this time belonging to a younger person. "Soap-San! Here, put this cord on! We're going to BUNGEE JUMP OUTTA THIS SHIP AND CUT THE CORDS! These powered assault armor suits are supposed to absorb the impact of fall damage, correct?" A voice, easily recognizable as Private Simmons's, responded "I think so! The Mark VIIs, at least! Wait, what about the others that don't have armor?"

"UAGH!" screeched Isaac Clarke. "THE SHIP'S HEADING STRAIGHT FOR US!"

"Wait, _WHAT?!" _A voice shouted. "Is that a... TRAIN down there?!"

"Yep, we're dead." Red Spy casually said as he crushed his cigarette. The Savannah was dangerously increasing speed as it headed for the train. But instead of directly hitting it, the Frigate fell short a few miles and barely floated above the ground before its lowermost section of the hull grazed the railroad tracks. The screeching of metal filled the air. In 5 seconds, the entire ship was skidding across the ground and throwing up ungodly amounts of dirt, showering the train with it. The Savannah was still skidding at around 500 mph, and considering the direction it suddenly appeared from the "spacetime rupture" or "spacequake", it was in hot pursuit of the train.

The Red Engineer had an idea. Perhaps his 11 hard science PHDs would come in handy now. He stuck his body outside of the freight car's opening and climbed up the side ladder, who was helped up by Master Chief. "You, come with me." he ordered, pointing to Master Chief. Suddenly, he had an idea. If he could somehow upload Cortana to the train's computer (it was not analog), perhaps she could speed it up to 500 mph. Gaining momentum, Master Chief jumped to the other cart, followed by Red Engineer. Unfortunately, the train jerked and suddenly went faster by 90 MPH, going faster than Red Engineer could reach the edge of the car Master Chief was on. Slamming into the side, he was only holding by one hand. Master Chief pulled him up and proceeded to run to the train's engine.

He reached it, and the horrible truth struck him.

_There was no place to implant the AI chip._

"Move aside, metal man!" ordered Red Engineer. He took out a pair of wire cutters and opened up a floor panel, revealing a jungle of entwining wires.

"Do you know what you are doing?" asked Cortana.

"Miss, I have eleven hard science PHDs." assured the Texan. "I'll figure something out." He bent down and randomly cut a wire. The train rapidly lost its speed until it entirely stopped. The Savannah was still rapidly approaching, creating an artificial valley and demolishing the train tracks as it neared the train.

"GET TO THE FREIGHT CAR! TELL EVERYBODY TO GET OUT!" Shouted Master Chief, getting out of the train engine with Red Engie. He made a mad dash for the freight car where the mercenaries, Isaac Clarke, and Samus were already flowing out and running the f away from the train. Since it was fusion powered and ran on Australium, who knows how large the explosion was going to be. "GET OUT!" commanded Master Chief, pulling out Blu Scout. The Savannah was one mile and rapidly approaching. In seven seconds, the grasslands would be an inferno of death. The last to get out was Red Heavy, but it was too late. Death was 3 seconds away.

Death touched the train.

Imagine grabbing grenades and replacing all the water in the Hoover Dam with the bombs. Now imagine setting all of them off. That is exactly what happened. Sharp chunks of metal were flying everywhere, emulating millions of shotgun shells going off. The heat was nothing compared to the UNSC Nagato's propulsion systems, and large chunks of the earth were ripped free and thrown everywhere. Ears were incessantly ringing and eyes were bleeding.

Later...

"Ufufufu..." Kurumi stood up and dusted herself off, with absolutely no scratches and injuries at all because of her armor. Everywhere she looked resembled the Earth still being born. In other words, fire was everywhere. Spork was unconscious and face-first on the floor. Blood was splattered all over the interior of his helmet, contrasting with the green on his visor. "Ara ara..." she gasped, and ran over to Spork who was just regaining consciousness.

"Ehwha?" Spork moved his head around and looked up into Kurumi. Her helmet was missing, revealing her pale face. A dark fringe of hair covered her left eye, the clock. The rest of her hair wasn't styled and was shoulder-length "Oh, hey... Kurumichan... I'm fine... as a feather..." Spork's visor deactivated and he spat out a mouthful of blood, splashing on the ground. "W-where is everybody else...?"

Scout was the first to emerge. He weakly shuffled, holding his spray-painted bat and his hair matted with blood. Unfortunately for him, his bat was also blood-splattered because his wounds came into contact with the bat, leading Kurumi to think he was going to bludgeon both of them to death. Since her Astral Dress, a Spirit's armor that allowed her to use almost all of her abilities was shattered by Issei's dress break, she couldn't summon her flintlock pistol or use any of her abilities. In other words, she was temporarily a normal human. To compensate, she grabbed Spork's USP Match with the integral suppressor and fired it 3 times in Scout's chest.

He fell to the floor with a large hole in his torso, spurting blood everywhere.


	31. Mistakes

Chapter 31

_You know what? Spork is nothing like me. Instead, he is a physical representation of my mind. If you know what I mean._

"Ara ara... you taste so good..." Kurumi smiled, licking her lips as his life essence, in the form of a golden mist, flowed into hers. Her clock's hour hands spun around 2 times, lengthening her lifespan by around 4 years. Spork stared at her in disbelief and horror, then at Scout, who was twitching.

"W-wait, why did you just shoot him?" Spork fully regained consciousness. His lungs hurt like somebody stuck pins in them, and he was still coughing up blood, splattering all over the inside of his visor. "He was asking for help..."

"Poor soul." She said, observing his body. "He was planning to kill us but did not plan beforehand for what would happen if he was going to be killed. Although his life was quite... delectable (in a delicious manner)..."

"Kurumi-Chan, what happened to our promise?" coughed Spork. "He just needed m-medical assistance... he was bleeding on his bat... he didn't kill anybody..."

"You allowed me to follow you and your colleagues, then kill anybody who was intending to harm us." Kurumi responded, looking at Spork. Blood was pouring out of his visor and his lungs were in agony, probably a sign that his lungs' arteries (not bronchioles) were damaged.

Spork coughed again. "He wasn't going to kill us. _If _he was going to kill us, he would've been waving his bat in the air and screaming." Struggling to stand up, he looked everywhere around him. In his helmet was an advanced built-in infrared and gamma ray sensor that could scan through walls and highlight anything that gave off heat, had a heartbeat, and was moving. It was reverse-engineered by the humans after they salvaged some from Forerunner artifacts to improve its length of usage and speed in recharging. The infrared sensor was useless simply because _there was too much heat_. All he could see was bright red that randomly flickered. The first priority, before anything else, was to _get out _before they succumbed to the smoke. "K-Kurumi-Chan, where is your helmet-"

"Aren't you the same age as me?" she inquired. "If so, it wouldn't be fitting to call me Kurumi-Chan anymore... you are fifteen, right?"

"Uh... yes."

"I am sixteen years of age, therefore I am older than you... Spork-Kun. From now on, you will refer to me as Kurumi-San." she ordered. "Or onee-san."

"ONEE-SAN?!" Spork gaped in disbelief. "Doesn't that mean older sister? I'll just call you Kurumi-San, then. So, Kurumi-Chan... er... Kurumi-San, where is your helmet? Before we get out of here, the smoke inhalation can kill you!"

"I lost it..."

Spork removed his helmet. "Here, use mine! Are you hurt? The ladies musn't exert themselves when they are injured, so do you have any wounds?"

"Arigato, Spork-Kun." thanked Kurumi, putting the helmet on. "I am not suffering from any injury at the moment." Instantly, 007 looked around frantically for a possible escape route. _Let's see... where is the smoke being vented out? _It didn't seem as if there was any major opening, for when the Savannah crashed into the train and damaged its Australium reactor, it underwent a miniature meltdown and completely obliterated both the train and a large chunk of the UNSC Frigate, resulting in the ship crashing down and trapping the two known survivors. Luckily, since there was no major opening and not enough oxygen was getting through, the fires were dying down. But unluckily, every time somebody exhaled, more CO2 was being released into the already-stale air, making it less breathable.

"AHA!" Spartan 007's Spartan Laser was still attached to his back. He mounted it on his shoulder and pulled the trigger, unleashing a laser. What made Spork's Spartan Laser unique was that he could charge up shots before a conflict so he didn't have to waste time waiting for the Laser to charge up every single shot. Since the fire's heat intensity greatly weakened the ship's hull, so as a result the red beam of death effortlessly punched through and left an elephant-sized hole. On the way out, Spork tripped on something latching onto his foot.

_A hand._

Spartan 007 reached down and hoisted its body up, buried by the ashes. It was completely covered in ashes and wore the MK. VII armor, so it was impossible to tell if it was any of the Blood Gulch Spartans, Haruhi, Soap, Agent Washington, 1337, Nicole, or Asia Argento. "GOTCHA, Spork-San!" The body suddenly sprang up and started strangling Spork. The voice was none other than Haruhi's, although he should have known it was her when he looked at the Hayabusa-Wetwork hybrid helmet.

"AUGH!" yelped Spork, undergoing a cardiac arrest. He fell on the floor, spasming.

"I also forgot! In his medical records, it said that Spartan 007 'Spork' has Epilepsy!" remembered Haruhi, removing her helmet and dusting it off as Spork flipped on the floor like a fish.

"S-shouldn't we help him?" Kurumi took off the helmet she was wearing, showing a sincere look of concern on her face and her uniquely colored eyes.

"Nope!" Haruhi explained, "When a person is having a seizure, attempting to restrain him or her will only result in injuries, on you and on the victim. So our best course of action is to stay put until he stops!" 20 seconds later, Spork stopped spasming and ended up lying facefirst on the ash matted soil. "I also found out _this!_" Haruhi bent down and picked up a dusty red and black Pathfinder helmet.

"Ah, I was looking for it. Thank you." Kurumi placed her helmet back on, and slipped Spork's back on his head.

"Ugh... wahoppent?" mumbled Spork, getting up. He coughed up blood. "My lungs... ah..."

"You had a seizure!" Haruhi smiled underneath her helmet's visor.

"Oh... ok..." Spork yawned and looked around. "Oh! Well, will you look at that! It appears that we have landed in the Warring States of America's great plains! I thought they were burned down in 2333... wait, WHAT?!" Spork took off his helmet and punched it, then put it back on. In the lower left hand corner of his visor's HUD, it read the year 197-. The final digit was missing, but just knowing that they _somehow _went back in time even further than they were in Tokyo was enough to drive Spork to insanity. No wireless internet was available at the time.

The fire had completely died down, which was good news for Spartan 007 (from now on, let's call him 007 'cause it sounds cooler). "The fire's out, so I can use this infrared sensor without any distractions and unwanted readings." He flipped it on, but only found one humanoid figure, glowing orange. 007 flipped his sensor off and on again. The orange figure was still there, involuntarily jerking and swinging around its elongates arms. Whatever it was, it seemed to be waving its arms around in the air and searching for something. "Stay here. I'll handle this." insisted 007, taking his Spartan Laser and flipping the sights on.

007's helmet lights were malfunctioning, so the NV was his best bet. When he took a solitary step inside the spacious wreckage, he swore he could see something moving in the corner of his eye. The motion tracker wasn't picking up anything, and the infrared sensor didn't detect the humanoid he saw earlier. _Ok, this is getting really creepy._ Turning around, 007 thought he heard a noise behind him. But when he turned around, he only saw debris.

Just then, a lone red dot appeared on 007's motion tracker. It just... appeared. He whipped around to see a Necromorph. Most of its neck, face, torso, and legs were mutilated as if they were briefly put in a wood chipper. Pulling the trigger, the Spartan Laser beeped three times, indicating that it had no stored charges left and that the battery needed to be replaced. That meant that 007 had to manually charge it by holding the trigger down until it unleashed the collected laser.

"OHCRAP!" yelped 007, ejecting the empty battery canister and placing a new one in. The Necromorph was now making a mad dash for him, swinging its bladed arms wildly and letting loose a bloodcurdling roar. "OHCRAPOHCRAPOHCRAPOHCRAP!" Right before the Necromorph was about to sink its blades into his neck, the laser was unleashed and disintegrated its torso, leaving only the arms, head, and legs intact. "疯狂的母狗!" shouted 007 indignantly, stomping on the head until it was a pulpy mess of blood and brains. "混蛋..."

A Wilhelm scream was briefly heard by 007, preceding a loud _thump _on the top of the wreckage. Something was rolling down the sloped remains of the _Savannah, _then landed in front of Kurumi and Tokisaki.

It was Steve.

"Oh, hey, what's up!" Steve looked up at the two, and had a heart attack. "OMG! I LUV ANIMUUU!" He sprang up and hugged both of them to the point where he could've suffocated them. "Say, what anime are you from? Bleach? Naruto? Oh! Maybe School Days?"

"Uh, hey..." 007 rubbed his head in confusion. "uh... what are you?"

"What?!" Steve turned around. "DID YOU CALL ME A WHAT?! I am a HUMAN! Do NOT judge people by their looks, douchenozzle! Just because I look pixelated and lack any curves on and in my body doesn't make me a... _monster... _does it?"

"**WHAT ZE H-LL IS ZAT?!**" cried Red Spy, who was limping out of the wreckage and pointing a shaky finger at Steve. His left thigh had a jagged plate of titanium-a embedded in it, spewing blood everywhere. The red balaclava was gray with ashes, and his suit torn to shreds. "**MONSTER!**"

"Right back at ya." Haruhi still had Sarge's shotgun on her back, which she aimed at Red Spy. "Who the heck _are you?_"

"L-Louis Philippe, not ze king." He collapsed, perhaps from Hypovolemic shock before he fainted.

"Well, before we start introductions," 007 insisted, "how about we go search for our friends? Did you see this crash? By any chance, did you see a red armored person, a pink armored person, a sadistic anime chick, three olive drab armored people, and-"

Steve pointed in the wreckage. "Yeah, they're on the other side of this... spaceship thing." 007 took out his Spartan Laser, charged a shot, and released it on the wall Steve was facing, creating a massive puncture. "Let's go take this Frenchman with us. I'll grab his legsOH CRAP!" He heard a faint moan, and turned around to see a writhing mass of headcrab zombies 50 meters, slowly shambling to Kurumi and Haruhi. "Uh... miss what's your name! Would you be so kind as to hand me that shotgun? I'll hold them off! Just take Frenchfry here and move him to the other side!" One of the headcrab zombies, composed of only the skeleton and muscles, was hopping along like a retarded frog to Steve. It lunged for his head, but got its own blown up to 50 billion giblets by the 8-gauge in Steve's hands.

007 picked up Red Spy by the shoulders while Haruhi got his feet, and carried him to the other side of the wall, where he blew a hole through. As soon as he emerged on the other side, 3 shotguns were pointed in his face. "Uh, guys, it's me!" nervously said 007, looking up into Blu Soldier, Femscout, and Red Sniper.

"So, you're the one that killed half of us." Even though he was a normal human, Blu Soldier punched 007 hard enough to send his vision flashing white. The next second, he was looking down the barrel of Femscout's double barrel, drum-fed shotgun (who knows how it works). "Any last words?"

"Uh, they all died in the crash?" Suggested 007. "And why would we kill them? We would only commit such an act if they tried to do the same to us." Another shotgun was pointed in his face, and he was positive the shells would crash through his visor, ripping right through the electrical shields. Good thing they couldn't see his face that had a sincere look of fear on it. _Never show fear to your enemy._ He thought. "Look, he's still alive!" Haruhi dropped his legs, pushing the jagged metal plate in deeper.

Red Spy suddenly awoke. "How do you say it in English again? Oh, yeah. **AAAAAHHHH! OH, F-CK! AAAHHH IT HURTS!**" he wailed, grabbing his thigh that was oozing out blood.

"Gottverdammt!" Blu Medic shouted. "My medigun iz busted!"

"Dude, that thing could heal _everything._" Femscout recalled on the time the mercs' limbs were being blown off, but Red and Blu medic would come to save the day and regenerate them as if nothing happened. "Also, why can't you heal Demoman and Demopan's missing eye?"

Demoman sniffed. "Demopan is _dead! _Also, me eye is cursed by Merasmus!" In order to alleviate his sadness, he took a hearty swig of his scrumpy and rudely burped.

"Ok, well, listen," 007 interrupted, "we're going to have to haul it because a bunch of... humans with things on their heads... are coming to kill us." As soon as Blu Soldier heard the "things on their heads" part, he lowered his shotgun and looked past the hole Spartan 007 made and saw Steve literally on the verge of being overrun.

"My g-d..." he muttered.

'Board the UNSC Nagato...

"MY G-D!" A shaky finger was pointed at the transparent titanium-a floor of the Nagato's observation deck, to the crashed Savannah that would be unidentifiable if it wasn't for the intact nameplate and the (literally) wave of headcrab zombies slowly shambling to the two groups around the wreckage. One was consisted of the surviving mercenaries, Spartan 007, and the three unknown people with them, Haruhi, Kurumi Tokisaki, and Steve Vanderhaven (his last name). The other group included the Blood Gulch Spartans, some of the devils, 1337, and Nicole. At the moment, Master Chief, Isaac Clarke, Samus, Issei Hyoudou, and Xenovia were unaccounted for. "WHO THE HECK ARE THOSE PEOPLE?! And are those... ZOMBIES?!"

"That's it!" shouted a person with stars on his shoulders, storming out of the room. "WE'RE SENDIN' IN STRATOS!" He picked up his ear-transmitter and embedded it [where else? Up his anus?]. "Spartan 007! Can you hear me?"

Static responded at first, but eventually 007's voice got through. "Uh, yeah, this is Spartan 007 codename Spork. Who is this?"

"Look up." Ordered the person. 007 slowly looked up to see the Nagato, slowly approaching and _blocking out the entire sky._ "What do you see?"

"AUGH! NAGATO!" Gunfire was head over 007's intercom, along with moans. "So, why are you transmitting to me? What's up? Are you sending in reinforcements? Are you sending in Stratos?"

"The latter."

Down to Earth...

"Ok, EVERYBODY! We are missing 3 people! They are covered in some sort of futuristic body armor. One is OD green, another is black and dark blue, and the last one is red, orange and has a green visor." Announced Red Engineer, who emerged from the wreckage. "I have grave news as well. Our friends we so unwillingly fought for 3 years, our friends on the opposite teams, perhaps out greatest friends of all time... are dead."

"Spartan 007." Unknowingly, 007 had accidentally turned the volume on his transmitter all the way up, so his ears got raped to death. For the others next to him, it was like standing near a speaker. "There are unidentified suspect around you. Are you being held hostage?"

"ACK! NO!" 007 mashed the volume button down on his transmitter.

"HE'S BEING HELD HOSTAGE!" shouted somebody in the background. 007 visorpalm'd and clarified,

"No, I am not being held hostage. It's just a misunderstanding. Also, where is everybody else? I can't seem to find them. Did they all die? Or is my infrared sensor malfunctioning?" asked 007. "And if you didn't notice, WE ARE BEING BESIEGED BY BILLIONS! Billions of these PARASITES!"

"Blood Gulch Team is currently a few hundred meters away, near the ship's thrusters. Do you have the location of Master Chief?" It was too late; 007 was already making a mad dash for the ship's thrusters with the mercenaries following.

"Hey, blockhead!" Haruhi called to Steve, who ran out of ammo and was swinging the shotgun around like a club. "Time to wrap up!" Flipping the shotgun on safety, Steve ran through the wreckage. _Such a big ship..._ thought Steve as he emerged and caught up with Spork. "Guys, look! There's a giant Zeppelin in the air!" announced Haruhi, pointing to the sky. Out of the clouds emerged the nose of a blimp, ten times bigger than a normal one. On its side were 3 words.

"And THAT MEANS WE BETTER HAUL IT!" Steve and Blu Soldier cried in unison, rounding the corner as the Savannah's massive thrusters came into view. In an instant, weapons were pointed at each other.

"007! Who the f—k are these nine people with you?" Tucker aimed his DMR at each of their heads. The devils and Blood Gulch Spartans were there, including Soap MacTavish, Agent Washington, and the Arbiter. "Are they holding you hostage? What's the ransom?"

"T-there is no ransom. What are you talking about? These fellows here have no intent of harming me." spoke up 007. "In fact, they are _very _pleased to meet you. And if you haven't noticed already, nearly half of the States' east coast is shambling to us. So I suggest we just introduce ourselves later and... and where the heck are 1337 and Nicole?"

"The Nagato informed us that Master Chief is inside this wreckage." Sarge turned around to see Rias holding her hands up and shooting a bust of red, demonic energy at a wave of fast headcrab zombies trying to rip her apart. "They should be back... right about now!" Right out of the thrusters flew Isaac Clarke, screaming obscenities before he impacted the floor. Standing up, he aimed his grenade launcher at the group and threatened to fire. "You ain't the Master Chief..."

"WHAT ARE YOU DOIN', TRYNA KILL US YOU F—KERS?!" he shouted, then looked at the nine remaining mercs, who were standing next to Steve.

"No..." facepalmed Church. "...do we have to explain this every time?"

Nagato...

"Alright, Spartan Stratos. Prepare for drop in 3... 2 1 OK BLAST OFF!" A UNSC marine slammed the switch on the control panel, releasing drop pod 009. Everybody who was watching looked at him and each other incredulously. In less than 5 seconds, the entire hangar was a mess.

"YOU F—KER!" A marine shouted, trying to throw a rotten tomato at the activator. "WE NEVER GOT THE ORDER YET!" Falling through one thousand meters was a lone drop pod, adjusting its trajectory to the riled up group below...

"Guys, COME ON!" 007 gripped his helmet in frustration. Weapons were being pointed at _everybody, _thanks to the mass confusion. "WE'RE ALL FRIENDLY, 'KAY?!" Kurumi silenced him by grabbing his pistol and aiming it at his face. Even the Blood Gulch Spartans were aiming their weapons at each other, at the fear of being set up.

"**HEY!**" Lord Hood's voice boomed over the Spartans' transmitters. "**STAY ON TRACK!**" After that, it was cut off. The blimp was heading straight for the Nagato, despite threats being constantly radioed to the blimp. Master Chief and Samus walked out of the 5-story tall thrusters, accompanied by 1337 and 458.

"Remind me to owe you one, 1337 and 458." Master Chief thanked the two masters in fist fighting. "I'm positive that if you never came, I would've been trapped forever under that section of hull plating."

"Ah, you flatter me!" Nicole chuckled. "It was nothing!"

"EXCEPT FOR MY AWESOMENESS!" bellowed 1337.

"Wow, what a party! We were only gone for a few minutes to get _these guys_, and all this is happening without me?" Nicole put her hands on her hips, looking at the group of (let's see... if we include Cortana, Chruch, and Ddraig...) 38 (wow, I'm gonna have a hard time keepin' track of all of them). "Well, as you know, the more the merrier!" Unfortunately, the party's bad day was going to get worse. When somebody sealed a Spirit's powers, they also _took _their powers. However, the Spirit was able to get it back by...

Kurumi saw this as her chance. She ran up to Issei and planted a quick kiss on his cheek, feeling the power rush back into her. "K-Kurumi-Chan!" Issei was completely taken by surprise, but now he could be taken by death. Laughing maniacally, Kurumi glowed white and reemerged in her red and black Gothic Lolita dress, with her red headband (frilled, of course), long twintails, uniquely colored eyes, and her passion for murder. "Wait, what are you-"

The blimp was now over the group of 38-that-was-going-to-be-37, and stalled for a while. "Welp, looks like we're surrounded." Spork (screw it, Spork sounds much cooler) groaned, taking out his Spartan Laser. "Master Chief, huh? I never expected to meet you in person, especially in such a place."

"You're Spartan 007, right? I used to think you were a descendant of James Bond." remarked Master Chief. "You're also the youngest Spartan-II, right?"

"I guess so, unless the UNSC goes and slaps armor on a 5-year old. On the other hand... KURUMI-SAN! I THOUGHT WE HAD A DEAL!"

"Zafkiel." The large clock reappeared behind Kurumi, now a spirit again. Instead of having just a flintlock pistol... she also had a MUSKET?!

The sounds of shotguns being reloaded filled the air. "FREEZE!" ordered a mysterious voice behind the group, revealed to be an o.W.n. Sniper with a 1980s American Commando Movie hairstyle that the main character wears. He was with 17 other o.W.n. Mercenaries, another sniper and two scouts, soldiers, pyros, demos, heavies, engies, medics, and spies. They may have had the numbers, but what they lacked was the 3 years', action packed battles that the 9 mercenaries now fought, against their friends now gone. Even the crazed, shako-addicted Demopan was gone. "Nice try, maties, but you're goin' to the slamma."

Kurumi aimed her pistol at Issei. "Issei-Kun, this is for humiliating me. It was a pleasure getting to know you and your short life." She smiled, and shot 9 times at his chest. But it wasn't his chest that was filled with holes.

Spork fell with a _flump. _The first four shots knocked out his shields, the next three penetrated his armor, and the final two ripped through his chest. "Oh? What's this?" She giggled at Spork's twitching corpse.

"The bravest Spartan-II ever." a lone fist flew into Kurmi's face. She flew back 20 meters and landed on all fours, skidding five more meters.

"YOU B-TCH!" Isaac Clarke aimed his grenade launcher at Kurumi and fired twice. "HOW F—KING DARE YOU!" Rias and Akeno, desiring for revenge, both unleashed their combined rays of lightning and destruction.

"MAHAN! 1337, nice punch!" congratulated Doc. "Should we say something... you know... for Spork's death speech?"

Sarge walked up to him with Haruhi and Doc. Soon, the rest of the Blood Gulch Spartans walked up and surrounded his dead body "Well... we never knew much about him... and I'm not so good at speeches... but if there is one thing he should be remembered for... it is that he was the GENTLEMANLIEST SPARTAN-II EVER! Spartan 007 codename Spork, who was willing to give his life to save another, a brave soul, and one that didn't deserve to die at such a young age. You will be remembered, and you will most definitely be missed." finished off Sarge. "And another thing... Spartans don't die... they're just missing... in action..." He turned to the rest of the group. "Why is it that the ones who deserve to die... live, and the ones that deserve to live... die?"

"You're right!" Asia shoved Sarge out of the way. "They don't die!" She rested his hands on his still intact sternum, and the green aura surrounded her hands. Slowly but steadily, his chest grew back along with his armor.

"How in the h-ll?" Kurumi lowered her pistol and musket, looking at Spork in disbelief. Even the o.W.n. Mercenaries and the other 9 stopped their gunfight and gawked at the sight they were experiencing. "H-how.. is this possible?" She fell to her knees, hyperventilating.

"How?" Spork slowly stood up, with the help of Asia and Doc. "Onee-San..."

"O-Onee-San?" Haruhi looked at him in confusion, while he looked at Kurumi in the eye and smiled underneath his visor.

"HOW?! You're asking me... how...?"

Everybody looked at him, including Master Chief.

"'CAUSE..." Spork chuckled... "I'M BATMAN!"


	32. The bad day just got worse

Chapter 32

"Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAAAN!" Spork ran behind a section of the hull plating that was embedded in the ground, and fired a charged shot at Kurumi. The fight resumed, but it was most definitely an unfair one. Both pyros were having a barbeque with the undead half of the east coast, creating a fire that was nearly the same size as Louisiana. The smoke was blowing in the direction of the Blood Gulch Spartans, Master Chief, Samus, Isaac Clarke, Soap, Haruhi, 007, and the nine mercenaries, but they were facing the other way. The pyros both wore temperature regulating, flame resistant suits and gas masks, so the heat was not a problem. 1337 was in H2H with one of the o.W.n. Heavies, who was physically identical to the Red and Blu Heavies, except for his clothing; an American 1930s gangster outfit. Landing a fatally fatal punch on his face, the o.W.n. Hoovy flew into the air 50 meters before crashing to the floor with a caved in face. "AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!" announced 1337 like a sports announcer, cheering to himself over the skill. Meanwhile Spork was having a little... conversation with Kurumi, while the others attacked the remaining o.W.n. Mercenaries, who were surprisingly good at dodging the devils' blasts of magic.

"So, Onee-San!" Spork casually smiled, sidestepping a swing by Kurumi's musket that worked well as a club. A normal human would've had their skull disintegrated and brains flying everywhere. "You're quite a good shot, but as they say, the head is the surefire way."

"Would you please stand still?" She smiled with bambi eyes, as she tried to create a hole in his face with her pistol. For some reason, she didn't have to reload it, despite the fact that it was a flintlock and had to be reloaded every shot, yet Kurumi kept pulling the trigger and out came the metal slugs.

"I'm fine." Insisted Spork, ducking a shot aimed at his head. He wasn't trying to hit her, just try to tire her out so he could attempt to seal her powers in some way... "Uh... Rias-Senpai! Do you, by any chance, have _any _knowledge on spirits, and how to seal their powers?" Rias lifted her hand up, materializing a thick, leather-cover book from a burst of red energy and started flipping through the pages.

"As a matter of fact, I do." she smiled. A fast zombie dashed up to her and was about to maul her face, but was deterred when she lifted up her hand and shot a burst of destructive energy at its head. "Hmm... let's see here..." more pages were flipped through. Akeno flew up into the air, still in her shrine maiden dress, and unleashed a torrent of lightning on the o.W.n. Mercenaries below, disintegrating 3 of them and stunning 5 others. "Homo sapiens neanderthalensis inferi... Homo sapiens sapiens inferi... I'm close. Just a few more pages..."

_Wait, WHAT? A FEW MORE PAGES? Just how many different kinds of humans are there, according to her book?! _Thought Spork as he failed to dodge a swing from Kurumi's musket, smashing the side of his head. "Would you please elaborate 'few more pages'?" he asked.

"10." responded Rias, holding up her hand and shooting a burst of destruction out of it, atomizing the o.W.n. Scout trying to bash her head in. "Now it's 8." Nicole was in an unfair fight with one of the o.W.n. Demomen, who was dressed like a crusaders-era knight and had a _long _battleaxe. She hit his axe-holding hand on the nerve, grabbed the oversized human cleaver, jammed the handle in the ground, and used it as a pivot to swing around and kick the Demoman in the face. He went flying over Rias and landed right in front of Tucker's line of fire, where a bullet ripped through his helmet's eye hole and blew his head up like a frozen bottle of coke.

"AHA!" Rias exclaimed, in conjunction with Koneko who landed a roundhouse kick on the o.W.n. Spy's face, who managed to sneak up behind her. "_The Spirit is a subspecies of the human that has the ability to create spacial and temporal distortions at will. So far, the subspecies is composed only of females and reproduce by-"_

"Let's skip the reproduction part." Spork insisted, ducking a shot from Kurumi. "How do we... stop them?"

"_In order to seal a spirit's powers, one must kill the spirit." _answered Rias, closing the book as it disappeared in red light. "But... there is another way."

"I'm all ears." Spork sidestepped a bullet aimed at his nose. "So, what's this... other way?"

"Have them fall in love with you and kiss them. Considering Kurumi's behavior, she's going to be a tough one. Killing her is going to be inefficient and virtually impossible, mainly due to her skill with Zafkiel and her guns."

"Ok, 'cause I wasn't planning on killing them." shrugged Spork, who got clocked over the head by Kurumi's musket and gave him an army of stars orbiting his head.

Forming a small sphere of destruction in her hand, Rias threw it like a baseball at the last o.W.n. Sniper alive, shredding him apart before he could place his scope's crosshairs between her eyes. "Start off by complimenting her!" She instructed.

"Uh, Kurumi-San!" Spork slowly walked back as she approached him, aiming both of her weapons at his head. "You have a nice dress! I think it really fits your hairstyle... your gorgeous eyes... your... uh... your hairstyle..." Rias facepalmed and thought _I don't think he's ever tried this before._ "Rias! Did I do it right?"

"You need to declare it with confidence!"

"Well, it isn't very easy to do that when she's pointing two guns at your face, now is it?!" Spork worked up the courage to compliment her again. "KURUMISAN! Your dress! It _blends _with your elegant hairstyle! Your mesmerizing eyes! And most of all, it blends with your unique personality!" Red Spy shoved his butterfly knife through the last o.W.n. Merc's eye socket as he looked at Spork.

_SMASH! _Right in front of Red Spy was a drop pod, smoke rising off of its heat shields. He cleared his throat and lifted a shaky finger then shouted, "WHAT ZE H-LL IS ZAT?!"

"Spartan... 009OH SH-T!" Tucker read the printed words on the drop pod's side and pushed Caboose out of the drop pod's way. "FRENCHMAN, STAND BACK! Like, TEN FEET!"

Red Spy sneered and turned to Tucker, throwing his cigarette at him. "Oh? And why should I stand back?" The drop pod's door flew off its hinges and hit Red Spy in the head, KO'ing him instantly with a **CLANG.**_Told you so._ Sighed Tucker, then turned to Spork and Kurumi still fighting each other. Everybody else was trying to keep the headcrab horde at bay, while Blu Soldier, Master Chief, and 1337 discussed where they should head, now that they were lost in the middle of nowhere.

Stepping out of the drop pod was an angelic choir singing at a high octave as doves flew out of it. Ok, well, maybe there weren't any doves, nor was there a choir. There was, however, one of the kick-a-siest, bada-siest, and awesomekicka-sbada-siest Spartan-IIs ever. And also one of the hottest, according to the male portion of the Blood Gulch Team.

Spartan 009.

Kiba slowly emerged from the wreckage, supporting a severely injured Xenovia. "Ugh.. augh... Rias-Senpai... where art thou?" he chuckled, whipping around and kicking a headcrab zombie in the gut, creating a gigantic domino chain reaction. Spork lost the little... well, not little... chat with Kurumi. No matter how many times he tried, she would not tire out, rather he would be exhausted sh-tless.

"Do you even tire, onee-san?" panted Spork 007, on the floor with two guns aimed at his head. Kurumi, in response, laughed maniacally.

"I think it's time I showed you my power to its full extent." The floor around Spork opened up in shadowy holes... and out emerged... "Because I have the ability to manipulate and control time... I have the ability to summon clones of myself from an earlier age..." she explained as multiple clones of herself rose out of the holes. Great, now it was exactly like Muppets: Most wanted, except with, like, fifty Kermits.

"Oh, hello fifty Kurumi-San clones." Winced 007 in pain as one of them stomped on his family jewels. "H-how do you do?"

"I don't give a flying f—k about how you are." One high-caliber, anti-material round ripped through 5 of the Kurumi clones' heads, blowing them up like a Coke bottle, frozen and filled with potatoes, put in an activated microwave for 2 minutes. The bodies and gore simply sunk into the ground and dissipated into shadows. Emerging from the smoking drop pod was Spartan 009, nearly as tall as Master Chief. She was widely known as Spartan Stratos after her tendency to use her jetpack to soar in the air and go on a headshot festival from above. "And as you can see, there are none being given right now." On her back was a SCAR MK. 20, modified to be an assault rifle.

It was at the time of her physical and mental augmentations the surgeons went and OD'd themselves on meth. So as a result, the entire time she was injected with various substances, had implants built into her muscles, and other stuff like that, she was totally decked out in terms of power since they mistook milliliters as centiliters. Now those were going to come in handy.

"I never liked the Scanner variant helmet. It just looks like a video player slapped on a MK. VII helmet, and her choice of coloration is copied from Agent Washington. Other than that, the rest of her armor looks decent." commented 1337.

[009'S ARMOR SET]

Helmet: Scanner

Chest: EOD

Forearms: Contoured

Shins/Legs: Mark IV

Left Shoulder: Oceanic

Right Shoulder: Commando

Visor: "Stalker"

Colors: Black with Yellow

"You know what? It looks _hideous._" corrected Tucker. "At least I have the MK. VII standard powered assault armor."

"BeCAUSE Privates are stuck with the standard armor." said Sarge. "And even though I'm sergeant, I choose to wear this armor to blend in with my team. Then, I'll tell the enemy that Grif is the team leader, so that he's high on their priority of elimination! It's... GENIUS!" The Blood Gulch Spartans were completely oblivious to Spork about to die, instead bickering about their ranks and restriction of armor variants. Only 009 was in his aid.

Once again, Kurumi laughed like a mad scientist and squeezed the trigger on her musket and pistol.

But instead of the _bang_, everything turned purple.

"Oh? What's this?" Kurumi smiled, turning around to face Gasper the tomgirl. "I thought I was the only spirit who could control time... but it seems like I found another."

"I AM NOT A SPIRIT!" He shouted, increasing the intensity of his "time breaker". "I am GASPER VLADI, THE BISHOP OF RIAS GREMORY!" The purple shade worked its way into Kurumi. "And you will NOT HURT MY FRIENDS!" Releasing Spork, Sarge, Nicole, and 009 from the time freeze, Gasper managed to stop time for everything else.

"WHAT THE-!" Sarge darted his vision everywhere and raised his pistol in alarm. "THE H-LL'S GOIN' ON?!" Flipping the safety off of his Desert Eagle, he aimed it at each and every one of his fellow reds and blues.

"Sarge, calm your pea-pickin' mind." Nicole observed a time frozen Kurumi clone and pushed it over, creating a domino chain reaction with the others. "I think we have ourselves the turn of the tide. Gasper... did you do this?"

"Yeah..." his shyness won over him again as he ran behind Rias, frozen in place. "I don't have... long... before it wears off..." Tucker and Grif were freed from the time stop in order to keep the duration longer.

"WOOHOO!" Tucker and Grif were running in circles with their hands up in success. "YEAHAH! Gasper, free Caboose up too!" Caboose stopped glowing purple and looked everywhere around him in curiosity.

"Everything looks like it's covered in grape juice..." he took off his helmet and tried to brush the purple aura off of Akeno, then even tried to _lick _it off. Time was running out, so Spork got Kurumi just as the purple was fading away, snapped her weapons in half, and lasered the clock. It didn't have so much as a _dent _on it.

"Ok, then, how about ANOTHER!" Spork charged up another shot and unleashed it on the clock. Nope, not a single scratch. The engraved words "stainless steel" on the clock, even though it didn't look like it was made out of steel, were now the letters "a ss". Enraged, Spork ran up to it and landed a volley of punches on it, like Master Ip.

"Oh, Spork. Let me show you!" 009 was perhaps the most genuine Spartan-II of all time. In a matter of seconds, she could go from serious, militaristic, and I-don't-give-a-crap to naïve, cheerful, and child-like. She ran up to it, slammed her fist into her open hand, and Falcon Punched the clock _so hard _it disintegrated. "And that's why you never buy products made in China."

"That's racist." Spork snapped. "Not all bad products are made in China." Right now was the perfect chance to seal Kurumi's powers, but the only catch was that she had to _actually _be in love with you first. Now, Kurumi felt like filling up anything that moved into a puff of falling flesh.

"Less than five seconds!" Cried Gasper. The purple shade was now a light lavender. Grabbing as many Kurumi clones as possible by the hand, Spork dragged them to the frozen Spartans' line of fire. But all of a sudden, two hands gripped the sides of his helmet.

"Ohayo, Spork-Kun." smiled Kurumi. "I have to say... I believe I have found my true rival." Gasper completely lost his control of the frozen time, freeing everything else. This included Blu Soldier, who was also behind Kurumi.

He slowly placed his hands on the sides of her head, swiftly twisting it. "NECK SNAP-P-PUH!" He uttered in success, as the corpse fell to the floor with jagged bones sticking out of its neck. It dissipated into shadows that sunk into the floor.

"Oh... these clones really come into handy..." Kurumi sighed, holding up her hand. A similar shape opened up in the sky, black and purple. "Well, I'll be seeing all of you later!" And with a wave, she disappeared behind a section of hull plating flying up into she sky.

Yep, again.

Kiba, still holding Xenovia, fell to his knees and collapsed. Sarge picked the two of them up and rushed back inside the ship, hoping that the new spacequake didn't have enough power to pull the entire ship up. Large chunks of the lithosphere was lifted off in waves, proof that it was more than enough to lift the entire ship out of the ground. Sarge ran back outside, still holding both of them, and walked up to his teammates.

"Well, reds and blues, it was an honor serving the UNSC with you." he declared, looking up.

"SWEET JESUS!" Steve ran around in circles, screaming. "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

As the spacequake began to lift up the outer sections of the Savannah, a 40-meter wide section of hull plating ripped loose, and flew right into the group.

**Before I continue this story, I would like to wait for more reviews so this story can be the very best.. that no story ever was. So, if you'd like to see better chapters, please rate and review!**


	33. The Daily Life

Chapter 33

_A Mary Sue in FanFiction is a female character who is completely overpowered in terms of everything. EVERYTHING. They're pretty, smart, athletic, and other bullcrap like that. It's something I want to avoid, because it's unoriginal and annoying. A Gary Stu is the male version of a Mary Sue. So that's why I made Spork flawed (because some authors CAN'T GRASP THE FACT THAT ALL HUMANS ARE NOT PERFECT), and you'll learn more about the mysterious Stratos as we go further in the story._

A few hours earlier...

"Holeh shadoodle!" Eterna Forest was a mess. Smoke was rising from the gigantic crater left in the floor, covered in "burns" the color of purple. Its once gracious trees now resembled burnt toothpicks sticking out of the ground, some blown away. The old chateau that rotted away in the heart of the forest was reduced to ashes, leaving only the frame of the house. "Man, this sure beats being Kanto Champion!" smiled Blue as Pidgeotto touched down on an intact, circular patch of grass. "DAWN! OH DAAAAAWN! **DAWN! WHERE THE H-LL ARE YOU!**"

"They're not here, dumba-s." Leaf dismounted the giant bird and took a good look around. "Man, Gardenia's gonna throw a fit. Where is Dawn? I thought you said she was here, right?"

"Not just Dawn." Blue said, shielding his eyes from the setting sun. "I think Gold and Lucas were with her as well. Oh, look! WHO THE H-LL ARE THOSE TWO PEOPLE!" A finger was jabbed in the horizon at two approaching humanoids. One had spiky orange hair, a black shirt, and purple pants...

"Isn't that Gary, your younger brother? And Ash?" Leaf took out a pair of binocs from her backpack and observed the two approaching figures. "Yep, it's Gary n' Ash."

"Gary MOTHERF—KING OAK?! A YOUNGER WANNABE OF ME (in every way)!?" Blue growled, hopping back on Pidgeotto. "And ASH?! The bloke who claims he's gonna catch 'em all, yet hasn't even caught A LEGENDARY YET?! And he gets his a-s handed to him at _every single gym battle. _H-ll, even RED is better than him! Ash is just some lowly copycatter, and he can't even KO the douchiest Team Rocket members' Pokemon! C'mon, Leaf, I'm betting Hikari-Chan and the others are in Eterna City."

"But they might know where they are..." Leaf groaned, mounting Pidgeotto. "Let's just stop by to say hello..."

"NOPE." Uttered Blue as Pidgeotto soared over Gary and Ash. They looked up in awe.

"Hey, look, it's Blue and Leaf!" Ash pointed up as Pidgeotto's talons yanked his red cap off of his head.

"SMELL YA LATER!" Blue waved back, smiling. Leaf rolled her eyes and facepalmed. Up ahead was a city with high rises and parts of an 1800s and 1900s era village/neighborhood combination, Eterna City (or "History Living"). It was known for its historical records of the Sinnoh Region, the Gym Leader Gardenia, and the abandoned Team Galactic building in the northenmost part of the city. Team Galactic was a band of crazed fanatics with teal-colored bowl haircuts and the desire to create a new world, although their plans were thwarted by two trainers, Lucas and Hikari, and at the time they were only _ten years old. _Now, they were 13.

Pidgeotto touched down in the center of the city, and headed straight for the orange-roofed building.

The Pokemon center.

Pokemon, or "Pocket Monsters", are these astonishing creatures that are _extremely _diverse in a planetload of ways. They can be the size of a foot to a football stadium, have their own role that supports the world, and even help maintain the universe. Trainers use them to battle others, collect them, and learn to care for them, while others use Pokemon to facilitate their jobs. While there are numerous species represented by trillions of individuals, there are a select handful of species that only have one individual. These Pokemon control a different portion of the entire universe, such as time, emotion, space, antimatter, polar opposites, creation, destruction, death, and even one alien.

Blue _literally _kicked the sliding door open, receiving the looks of everybody in the room. _WHAT ON EARTH IS THE KANTO CHAMPION DOIING HERE?! _Raged through their minds as the door slammed into an innocent bystander's face. "Lucas! _Ethan! _**HIKARI**! Where the h-ll are you guys!" he demanded as Leaf entered the room. "YOU! NURSE JOY!" He stomped up to Nurse Joy, the Pokemon center's nurse who had pink ponytail-loop things. "Did you, by any chance, see Hikari-Chan, Lucas, or Ethan?" Two hands were slammed on the desk.

"T-they're right behind you!" she whimpered. Slowly turning his head around, he saw Leaf happily conversing with Ethan, Lucas, and Dawn, who had a bandage wrapped around her head and right eye.

"I knew that." Nervously chuckled Blue, walking up to the 4 friends. "So, Hikari-Chan! What's up? Is your eye ok?"

"Oh, hello Blue!" She turned around, smiling as if nothing happened. "I'm assuming you came here to check up on us? We're fine; Ethan's Donophan used protect to shield us from the spacequake."

"I know. Class 2, not very big." Blue looked out the doorway and into the distance. "Say, how's Brendan, May, and the others in Unova doin'?"

"You do know Unova is halfway around the world?" Ethan raised an eye, facing Blue. "And the mail is EXPENSIVE AS SH-T! In fact, the freaking stamps are like 30-dollar cups of coffee! I don't know much about what exactly is goin' on there, but I recently got a call from Touya. He was talking about how... how he saw a new girl at his school kill 3 people in an alley, just because they tried to... rape-"

"TMI!" Leaf snapped, silencing him.

"No, it was crazy! He claimed that she ripped the arms off one guys, used them to beat the other one to death, and smashed a guy's skull in with a rock!" Ethan whipped out his Windows phone and showed Blue the last call.

"Pictures or it didn't happen." Blue and Leaf said at the same time, crossing their arms. Ethan opened his photo library and showed the grisly pictures Touya sent him. "Ever since then, I didn't get any activity from him for the past few hours, which is unlikely of his restless activity. He told me not to tell anybody else, but I told you guys already. So can you keep a secret or not?" Lucas, Hikari, and Leaf nodded in disgust, while Blue was freaking out.

"AAH! SH-T!" Blue stumbled backwards and tripped over a girl who had silver, short hair with two locks that barely classified as shoulder-length running down the sides of her face and next to her magenta eyes. Her white school uniform with a pink ribbon and short, OD skirt hinted that she was from the mysterious school, Seishou Academy. "Augh, sorry! I'm so sorry! Please forgive me!"

"It's ok, don't worry about it!" She insisted as Blue helped her up.

"Y-you're from Seishou Academy, right?" He asked.

"Yeah! Hey, I remember you! Aren't you the Kanto Pokemon Champion?" she answered. Blue ran up to the front desk and jabbed a thumb in his chest, as he took on a heroic pose and face.

"Yes, young one! That is me! Blue Oak from the Kanto Region, smelling you later!"

"That made no sense..." remarked Lucas, "...at all..."

Present time...

"WAZ UUUUUP?!" Touya was lolling on the couch in his apartment with Touko, just as his four best friends entered; Brendan and May from the faraway Hoenn Region, and Bianca and Cheren, who were Touya's and Touko's childhood friends ever since they were born. Bianca, one of the hottest trainers in all of Unova, wore clothing the same colors you would expect to see in a salad bowl (white "tank top", green beret thing and irises, orange jacket and glasses), and FREAKING BLONDE SHOULDER LENGTH HAIR (apparently, in anime and manga, shoulder-length hair for girls and spiky hair for males makes up 90% of all anime and manga).

"What's up?" Cheren adjusted his glasses and frowned. "Touko, you do know that you were caught shoplifting Pokeballs from Black City's marketplace?" He held up a WANTED poster that displayed her full name and description: female Caucasian teen, 16 years of age, blue eyes, brown hair in slightly large ponytail with two locks running down each side of her face. Wears a white baseball cap, a black vest over a white tank top, and short jeans. And written in marker at the end was: HOTTEST TRAINER IN UNOVA AS WELL.

"Come on!" Touko complained. "But I'm the master of stealth! Nobody should've seen me, and I'm pretty sure it's not a big deal... right?"

Cheren facepalmed. "Touko, those were $5,000 dollars each and customized with 50 carat diamonds and _pure _gold. I'm positive that staying in Black City's apartments will only increase the chance of them finding those Pokeballs. And why the h-ll do you need them to be diamond bedazzled? It only makes you a bigger target for thieves."

"How 'bout Numeva Town?!" Suggested Bianca. "Nobody's willing to check in such a small town... right?"

"Considering that Numeva town only has, like, 4 f—king houses, including Professor Juniper's lab, I'd say that's a good choice." Touya agreed. Pokeballs are baseball devices used to catch wild Pokemon, store tamed Pokemon, and weighted for throwing. What it does is completely rewrite a Pokemon's molecular structure to a red burst of energy and swoop it in the pokeball, where its interior was coated with a mirror. Every time the pokeball was opened, the red energy would fly out and materialize into the Pokemon that it caught/stored. "Touko, where are those pokeballs?" She opened up her purse, and out rolled 10 diamond decorated pokeballs. That right there was $50,000.

"We can sell them on the black market!" Bianca shared her idea.

"And get one of those fifty dollar AK's, that would be nice as well." smiled Touya. "Sadly, we're not old enough to own guns yet."

"2 more years..." Cheren looked sadly into the distant future. "...however, we still have a problem. If we're going to get out of here, there is no doubt somebody will see Touko and call the police. So method one is do something _really _stupid and jump out this 30-story window with Touya's Braviary to escape, or we can disguise Touko so she looks completely different. Touko-Chan, I'm gonna need you to do your best poker face and to act reserved and not as energetic as you usually are. Touya, do you have any... hair razors, scissors, any stuff like that? I'm going to give her (AGAIN) a shoulder-length haircut, with bangs that cover her left eye for additional bada-sery."

"Nonsense!" Touya grinned and pulled out a red and white pokeball. "ALRIGHT, EMBOAR! USE FLAMETHROWER!" Out of the pokeball emerged a combination of a red, orange, and black pig wearing fiery armor that resembled a knight's, except on fire. Its curly tail ended in a ball of fire, that quickly turned into a burst of flame when Emboar opened its mouth and unleashed a wall of flames on Touko, who was still sitting down on the couch.

Her hair was burnt off until it was just shoulder-length. It did not look like it was burned off. Yep, that's how good it was. "SKIIIILLLLLLLL!" Touya threw his arms in the air, enjoying the taste of success.

"What the F—K WAS THAT FOR?!" She leapt up and throttled him, shaking his head in the process. "A-SHOLE!" More shaking, and Touya's face was turning into a dark shade of blue. Cheren separated the two, leaving Touya on the floor and gasping as he held up his pokeball, sending Emboar back into it.

"Here." Bianca handed her a mirror. "How does that look? Make your poker face again." Touko looked at her new self and nodded. "Oh! I have an idea!" The blonde reached into her purse and pulled out a box full of color contacts, then gave Touko an orange contact the same color as an orange. "Until we make it to Numeva, you are now a European transfer student with Heterochromia from the Kalos region." She placed the contact in Touko's right eye and covered it with her bangs.

"Bada-s." complimented Touya. "What about her clothing?" To compensate, Cheren ran into the closet and took out a black and maroon-colored European school uniform.

"Put this on. In your room." ordered Cheren.

A few mins later...

"The h-ll was that?!" Cried the receptionist, looking out the apartment's front entry windows. A spacequake was commencing, extremely bad news for the escaping Touya, Touko, Bianca, and Cheren, who just emerged from the elevator. A familiar alarm (WWWWOOOOOOOUUUUUuuuuuuu) sounded, and instantly Black City's high rises started to sink into the ground. The only way to protect buildings from spacequakes was to bring them into a subterranean area and cover the entrance. Massive hydraulic platforms lowered and raised the buildings into the floor, and titanium-a doors slid over them. "SPACEQUAKE!" She slammed a button near her computer used to register rooms, and the building slowly sunk beneath the floor. Underneath Black City was White City, supposedly one that was 100% safe from spacequakes and an exact copy of Black City.

"Well, sh-t." groaned Touya. "Now getting to Numeva's going to beOH CRAP!" The terribly realization that their parents lived in there hit his mind. "Are our parents ok?! Aren't they still living in Numeva?!" He ran up to the lobby's TV and saw the special news report.

"...no casualties have been reported yet..."

"Oh, _thank god!_" He fell to the floor in relief.

"WAITAMINUTE!" The receptionist took one good look at Touko, who was watching Cheren play a game of Fishy Byrd, another wannabe of _that one game. _"Aren't you..."

_Oh sh-t._

"...the famed JOHTO CHAMPION?!" The receptionist held up a newspaper displaying the new Johto Region's Pokemon Champion, a girl who bore striking similarity to Touko's new disguise. "What are you doing here all the way in Unova?" Pokemon Champions are Pokemon Trainers (people who use Pokemon to battle other trainers' Pokemon and care to them as pets) who are pretty much world-renown for their skill in Pokemon battles. If one defeats the champion, he or she becomes the new one, or they can choose to sell the title back for ten million dollars.

"Yeah... I thought I would just go sightseeing..." Touko responded with a poker face. "... and see... uh... Mount Coronet?" _Coronet's in Sinnoh. Dumba-s_ said Touko's mind, who clearly wasn't being used to being reserved.

"WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?" A dozen reporters burst into the room, eyeraping the four with camera flashes. _Great, the media. _Facepalmed Cheren. "HOW DO YOU LIKE UNOVA? HOW DO YOU FEEL BEING THE NEW CHAMPION OF JOHTO?!" The questions wouldn't stop, and so wouldn't the incessant camera flashes. "WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HAIR?!" The absurdity in the questions drastically increased, even going so far as to ask "WHAT COLOR IS YOUR UNDERWEAR?!" Unova News was a pain in the a-s.

"GODJESUS!" Touya stomped on a reporter's foot. "WHAT THE H-LL IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS? LEAVE US THE F—K ALONE!" And with a word, the reporters slowly left the building. "Unova News... go to h-ll." he mumbled.

"Ooh! They just opened a new iHop restaurant in White City!" Bianca cheerfully pointed a finger at the TV. "Who wants pancakes for lunch?!" She ran out the door and into the bustling, underground city with terrible artificial daylight. Everybody was acting as if nothing had happened; after all, spacequakes were normal where they were living.

It's just that the spacequakes were going to be different later.

_Much _more different.

When one says different, that one person means that sooner or later, they're going to be releasing things from other places.

Ihop was extremely overpriced in terms of everything. So you can tell what the four were thinking.

"No way in h-ll am I paying 30 dollars for one f—king cup of coffee." declared Touko.

"Ok, let's go to Wendy's!" suggested Cheren.

"Woo wee! I sure like 50% off, fifty dollar burgers!" Bianca declared sarcastically, rolling her eyes.

"Well, what do _you _suggest?!" Touya groaned. "Subway's?!"

"One hundred dollar," sang Touko with Bianca and Cheren, "one hundred dollar foot long!" The prices in Unova were insane, so many resorted to cooking their own food. "Why don't we cook?" asked Touko. "We can make-"

"UDON!" Cheren ran off to the Pokemart. "Let's go buy some UDON!"

Meanwhile...

"Class!" Blue proudly declared. "Today, we will be setting an important milestone in ALL OF SINNOH! Today, we will get an exclusive tour of SEISHOU ACADEMY! Leaf n' I will be your tour guides! Remember, no fighting, complaining like a stuck-up b-tch, no raping, no cursing, be respectful of each other, and other crazy sh-t like that. Got it? Ok, let's go!" He led the 20 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders though the open gates of Seishou Academy, and right into the paradise that only males could dream of. Babes, all from elementary school, middle school, and high school were having lunch break, conversing with each other, and looking at the visitors.

Bullet holes were riddled all over the elementary school buildings, middle school buildings, and not as many were in the high school buildings. "As you can see, I slipped a field guide in each of your backpacks! You'll need them for this tour and HEY! DIDN'T I SAY NO RAPING?! He shouted in fury, pointing at a girl who was giving a younger boy a piggyback ride.

"Blue, it's just a piggyback ride." Leaf facepalmed.

"Right." He cleared his throat and continued casually. "I knew that. Anyways, this field manual claims that we are currently in the elementary school building! Clearly, it is not very safe in here because there are BULLET HOLES all over the walls! This field manual also claims that all of the students attending Seishou Academy are divided into 3 different types of guns! Elementary schoolers are submachine guns, using pistol cartridges in rifle frames, middle schoolers are assault rifles that use moderately powered ammunition for close and mid range combat, and finally, the high schoolers are supposedly battle rifles and sniper rifles. HAH!" He closed his field manual and scoffed. "No way in h-ll am I believing that."

A small girl walked up to him. She wasn't part of the field trip.

SHE HAD MOTHERF—KING SHOULDER-LENGTH BLACK HAIR! It was cut straight, which went well with her black and red school uniform. "Oh, uh, hello there..." Blue chuckled nervously. She literally appeared out of nowhere, and was hiding something behind her back. "...w-what are you holding behind your back? What's your name?"

The girl revealed what was behind her back: an MP5A2. Blue screamed and jumped in front of Leaf and the students to protect them, but instead she shot the wall and used two clips to write her name using the bullet holes. "My name is Empee. I'm an MP5A2 submachine gun. Is that enough proof for you that we're guns?" Blue quickly nodded in fear of getting shot, then noticed the posters in the hallway: NO SHOOTING IN THE HALLWAY. KEEP YOUR SAFETY ON THE WHOLE TIME. _They bring guns to school...sweet mother of Jesus WHY?! _He stood up and tripped on a 9mm bullet casing that flew into Leaf's face.

Picking up his field manual, Blue looked at a certain page in disbelief. "Wait... so you're not actually humans? You're guns?"

Suddenly, a lone hand shot up Blue's shirt and touched his back. It was a hand so cold it could freeze oxygen, so guess what happened when it was rested on a warm back like Blue's.

"**YEEAAAAAAAAAAAUURRRGHHHH!**" Blue released a bloodcurdling scream of pain and whipped around to see who did it, with a look only a person would have if he or she was driven insane by rage. "**YOU SON OF A B-TCH!**" Standing behind Blue was a girl identical to Empee, except she was wearing noise-canceling headphones.

"She's my sister, a silenced MP5, or an MP5SD6. As you can see, she's _very _sneaky." explained Empee.

"S-sorry..." Blue was evident on what was going to happen next as she pulled out a silenced MP5 and pulled back the charging handle. For the next 5 seconds, all one could hear were Blue's screams of terror and the wall being riddled with new bullets. Left standing on one foot and holding up both of his hands in surrender, Blue was forced against the wall and surrounded with bullet holes.

"Oh, SOR-RY." she apologized sarcastically, and ran off as a bell rang through the entire school. All around them, the doors burst open and out swarmed hundreds of elementary schoolers, all female and holding a different submachine gun.

"It's time for target practice!" happily announced Empee, taking out her MP5 and joining some other schoolgirls that looked like her sisters. A Mac-10 was fired all over the ceiling and showered Blue in insulation. The solid stock of an AUG PARA smashed into his nose, shortly gushing out blood. In pain, the drum magazine of a PPSH-41 slapped him across the cheek and KO'd him.

"Oh my g-d, Blue!" Leaf ran over and bent down, pouring cold water over his face as the last student, a TMP, ran out and joined the army of lolicons.

If you're wondering, don't ask me how I know about them. No, I am not a pedophile. If I was, this story would already be a mess.

Slowly waking up, Blue weakly looked at Leaf and smiled. "I'm... fine... lead the kids to where the students are going..." he mumbled, before falling limp and succumbing to his tiredness.

Back in White City...

"THE SPACEQUAKE HAS DISAPPEARED. PLEASE GO BACK INSIDE THE BUILDING YOU WERE IN AND PREPARE FOR (not Titanfall, unfortunately) THE ASCENSION OF BLACK CITY." blared a voice over White City's intercom.

"Yes!" Touya held up his backpack and opened it. Out came bags of instant Udon. "YES! For once, we will have a decent lunch! OH, YES! I can't wait to sink my teeth into this Udon and slurp it up until my mouth is full!" Bianca just lost it, giving in her desire for Udon and bit down on Touya's hand until it started to bleed. "**AAAUUUUGHHH!**" A cry lingered through the air, attracting the attention of everybody in the apartment.

"I'm so hungry Tou-ya-Kun..." whined Bianca, pulling on his arm. "When do we get to eat? If we don't have lunch soon, they'll shrink to-"

"We'll be in Numeva in approximately 4 minutes!" Cheren pulled a rabid Bianca away from Touya, gripping his arm and crying out in pain. "She's going through food withdrawal!"

"How does she stay so fit, though?" Touko asked in confusion. Blood was pooling on the floor from Touya's twitching hand, with bite marks embedded in it.

"Because IMSOHUNGRY!" cried Bianca, gripping her stomach. Cheren inserted a lollipop in her mouth, effectively silencing her. "Mamnahmnahmnahhhh..." In 5 minutes, the apartment was back up at the surface along with other buildings. Touya, Touko, Cheren, and Bianca hauled it to Unova's Route 15, over the bridge that went over a river flowing to the sea, to Rote 16, through Nimbasa City, down Route 4 to Castelia City, across the _same river except the bridge they were on was further down south_, across Nacrene and Straiton City, down past Accumula town and finally, Numeva town. The Unova Region was on 3 different landmasses, and Numeva was on the same landmass as Black City, yet the route made them go to the other landmass and back for added confusion, when all they could've done was make a route going straight down to Numeva.

Numeva Town was _very _small and barely classified as one. It took 1 minute to walk around the 3 homes and laboratory, next to the forest of dodger-blue trees with shimmering leaves. "I'M HO-OOOME!" Announced Touya, walking in. "I'M HO-OOOME WITH SIS!" Behind Touya were Touko, Bianca, and Cheren, who walked in and looked around them. Touya's house consisted of a kitchen and a family room on the first floor. On top was a bedroom and bathroom, only adding to the house's unusual simplicity. Laying down (lying or laying?) on the couch and sleeping was Touya and Touko's mother. _D-mnit, woman, wake up! _Thought Touya as he walked over to observe the sleeping beauty, who was basically 42 going on 24.

"You're away for 3 months, searching for N who was in Black City the entire time, and come home after a few more months to expect a welcome home party, yet nobody else seems to care." sighed Cheren. "I pity you."

"Let's go make some Udon!" Touko held up the instant Udon bags, opened them, and dumped them into a pot of water that was already being heated in the oven. Sifting through the air, the smell of the delicious Udon was carried by the currents of the air conditioning, lingering around the nose of Touya's mom. Unfortunately, the smell slowly sifted upstairs... into a certain room...

"UDON?!" Cried a female voice upstairs. "DO I SMELL UDON?!" The sound of a door being smashed open pervaded throughout the house, followed by the stairs being dominated by a pair of feet. "Mom, are you making Udon for luuuuuuuhhh..." standing at the bottom step was a specific somebody in tight, black leggings, a yellow skirt, and a long sleeved shirt with blue sleeves, leaving the rest white and a red pokeball design in the middle.

Rosa.

Touya's and Touko's 12 year old sister.

She was easily recognizable because of her brown hair tied in 2 bun-ponytail thingies that were knee-length and nearly got caught in a wood chipper once. That freaking red and white sun visor she wore 24/7 was still on. "Oh MY GOD TOUKO-SAN!" She ran up to her older sister and hugged her tightly. Apparently, she easily saw through her master disguise. The family consisted of 2 sets of twins; the first being Touko and Touya, then 4 years later Nate and Rosa. Since the mom was Caucasian and the father was Asian, they split up the naming rights. "I missed you _so much, _onee-san!You missed out on my birthday, as well as Nate's! We both turned 12!"

"Eh... I missed you too..." responded Touya as Rosa hugged him. "Where's Nate?" Normally, Nate would be out, battling Pokemon trainers and exploring, or upstairs in his room and playing Counter-Strike: Source, owning everybody with the Steyr Scout and headshots.

"Oh, Nate? He's trying to defeat Red in the World Championships, being held _right here in Unova!" _The World Championships were held tournament-wise, composed of different regions' gym leaders, master trainers, and Pokemon trainer League Champions. The reward was a human-sized trophy filled to the brim with folded 100 dollar bills, 3 purple Pokeballs that had a 100% success rate of capturing Pokemon (Master Balls), and fame. "But first, can we have the Udoooooon?" She gave Touya a :3 face and a pair of Bambi eyes.

_Resist..._

_RESIST..._

_**MUST RESIST...**_

"HAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGHHH!" Touya clawed at his face, and ran up to the stove. Rosa's :3 face with Bambi eyes was irresistible, which explains how she managed to get nearly everything she wanted. Bowls, chopsticks, and Udon with its soup were flying all over the place and landed in 5 bowls full of steaming _Instant Udon._ Immediately, Bianca started slurping all of it up before Touya got to cut the noodles and finished her bowl in ten seconds, briefly chewing and swallowing.

"Thanks Touya!" Bianca wiped her mouth with a napkin, which she balled up and threw at the trash can. "Oh, did you see that!? SKILL!"

"Wait, RED?" Touko looked at her incredulously, just as their mom (let's call her Okaa for now) woke up. She looked at Touya and had a heart attack.

"TOUYA!" She ran up to him and hugged him tight enough to compress coal into a diamond, which is pretty tight. "Oh my gosh, Touya! The entire region of Unova was looking for you and your sister! I missed you sooooo much, and I'm delighted to see you're all right! OH! Who's this?" She looked at Touko, obviously not recognizing her because of her disguise. "Is it your girlfriend?! My boy _finally has a girlfriend! _And she's very hot, too!"

"Uh... she's-" Touya tried to speak, but was interrupted by his mother.

"My boy has finally grown into a man! The years have really passed by!"

"Okaa-San, she's Touko." As soon as she heard this statement, Okaa took one concise glance at Touko, who was still wearing her emotionless face and disguise. "She's just... cosplaying...?"

"My Touko-Chan doesn't act like that! What's her name?" The hugging resumed.

"Uh, mom." Touko gave her a WTF look. "It's me, Touko. Your own daughter."

In a jiffy, Okaa sped around and started to hug her instead. "MY BELOVED TOUKO-CHAN! I missed you as well! Why are you cosplaying? That disguise is _so _professional! Can you believe that? I thought you were Touya's girlfriend! Wait... weren't you caught... shoplifting AT BLACK CITY?!" Okaa could go from sweet mother to batsh-t crazy mom in 2 seconds. She held up a WANTED poster with her description and a grainy, crappy security camera picture of her. "Do you know that SHOPLIFTING IS A CRIME?! WHAT DID **YOU STEAL?!**" As one can see, when Okaa is batsh-t crazy, she _is _batsh-t crazy.

"I-it was for the greater good!" cried Touko. "It's like Robbin' Hood! You know, rob from the rich and give to the poor?" Okaa was clearly not buying it, so Touko opened Touya's backpack, releasing the diamond studded pokeballs, decorated with gold. "T-Team Rocket was caught stealing them! They framed me!"

"You're wanted ACROSS ALL OF UNOVA!" The TV flickered to life, displaying policemen and policewomen storming in homes and upturning the furniture, demolishing the walls, and going as far as lifting homes out of their foundation. All of this for the ten pokeballs. Across the bottom of the screen scrolled the words: SHOPLIFTER WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE. PREFERABLY DEAD.

"Touko!" Cheren quickly formed an idea in his mind. "Think of the last place the police would want to search. Think _carefully." Let's see..._ Touko raced through various places in her mind. _White Forest sounds like a good idea, though they can use thermal scanning... _the truth was, Unova was scarce of hiding places. _Kalos is full of citizens, and as a result, police officers. Kalos is out of the question. Kanto is too small, Johto and Hoenn are too small, Sinnoh's abandoned mansion is destroyed, so that leaves the Sevii Islands halfway 'cross the world, near Kanto and Johto. It only has a population of 66. The worst idea out of all of them._

"I know." Touko had the best idea. "They are going to search every nook and cranny for me, eh? Well, how about in their own department? Have they ever considered that?"

"Have they considered the Distortion World?" Thought Touya out loud. There needed to be a legendary Pokemon for just about everything that maintains the universe, and that includes antimatter. In order to balance the universe, an antimatter one had to be created. And that antimatter universe was the Distortion World, represented by only one Pokemon.

"But in order to reach the Distortion World, we'd have to enter through Sinnoh, because that's where the entrance is located! And Sinnoh is the second most populated region!" reasoned Bianca. "And how about Orre?" There were 10 regions in total, most of them in a supercontinent. The northernmost region was Sinnoh, in the upper right corner of the continent. Attached to it by a small clot of land was the Almia Region that itself was connected to the east side of the continent. It was about the same size as all of the "old world" and the Americas combined, yet all regions were located near the sea, leaving an eerily unknown, vast, unpopulated space in the center and northern parts of the continent. To the west of it was the desert-like Orre Region, and the southern part of the continent consisted of the Kanto and Johto Region fused together. South of Kanto were the Sevii Islands, and to the left of that was Hoenn. Finally, on the northern side of the continent was the newest region, Kalos.

The unpopulated parts were best left that way. Why? Well, a few years ago, some explorers decided to map out the gap that have been in maps for decades. They ventured in and never came back. No last transmission was ever received, and the rescue team sent in was also never heard from again. A rescue team for the rescue team also disappeared without a trace when they launched an expedition that led further into the landmass. Planes that flew over the landmass never arrived at their destination or landed anywhere. Remotely controlled drones sent in, kept under the watch of satellites and people, simply lost connection to it and watched as it disappeared into a cloud, never reemerging. All the satellites had to offer were sky views of the rocky and forest-riddled land that showed no movement of any kind. When towns were built into the "Mystery Zone" of the continent, supply caravans returned to find the towns deserted, with no signs hinting their disappearance. When they tried sending trained Pokemon in to scout, they all mysteriously died within 3 days. It was always 3 days. On the third day, they were always found dismembered into 3. 3 was now the new unlucky number and the number (in millions, counting humans and Pokemon) of disappearances caused by the Mystery Zone. It was also considered a famous place to commit suicide, even though they had no idea of what was going to happen to you.

"Orre sounds good. Who would want to check in a desert? Just... WHO?!" Touya took out his world map and pointed to Orre. "Let's see... Unova is on the east side of the supercontinent, so we head along Kanto, then Johto, and finally Orre as we head along the coast. The worst possible thing that could happen is if we land in the Mystery Zone."

"Let's just hope we don't. Bye mom and Rosa!" Touko ran out the door, followed by her 3 friends.

Later...

Touko shot Touya an angry glare. "You _had _to f—ing ask, didn't you?" Although certain Pokemon could be used to fly from one place to another, they couldn't fly between regions (excluding Kanto/Johto and Sinnoh/Almia), and as a result planes were put back into use. Currently, the plane's engines were stalling due to 10 Starly, bird Pokemon, flying into the engines. "YOU HAD TO!"

"Ehh... I doubt it was coincidence." casually shrugged Touya as he ducked a suitcase flying over his head.

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" screeched one of the passengers. The emergency exit door swung open and started sucking loose things, including humans, outside and into their death by fall. One of the food carts that the stewardesses pushed around rolled to the back of the plane and smashed out of the end, creating a hole big enough for...

"Hey, guys, I have an idea!" Touya took out one of his pokeballs. "We can use Braviary to fly out of here-"

"HOW CAN YOU ACT SO CALM?!" Screamed Bianca, still in her seat. "PEOPLE ARE DYING! CAN'T WE AT LEAST HELP THEM?!" Next to Bianca, a suitcase smashed into the copilot's face and crushed his skull. One obese bloke tried to escape using his Pidgeotto that fainted from his immense weight, sending both of them plummeting to their deaths.

"So much for saving 'em." Touya activated his pokeball, and out flew a massive, eagle and falcon-like bird that had a blue underside, red on its back, a rainbow tail, and a white head. "ALRIGHT GUYS! HOP ON!" Braviary pecked at Bianca's extremely tight seatbelt, snapping it just as her chair flew out the back of the plane, right where the tail should have been. With Touko and Cheren holding on tight and sitting on the massive bird's back, Touya flew straight for Bianca, positioned himself under her, and allowed gravity to do the rest. "Ta da." He smiled as she fainted.

"Uh, yeah, I don't know if you've noticed already, but PEOPLE ARE ALREADY FALLING TO THEIR DEATHS!" Cheren smacked the back of Touya's head. "DO SOMETHING!" Suddenly, Touya remembered the movie _Iron Man 3, _where Iron Man managed to do a "ring around a rosy" maneuver and slow down while he was holding their hands, then dropped them off in the water.

"Uh, Braviary, go up to all of the flight passengers! We're going to go play ring around a rosy right now." commanded Touya. Braviary plummeted straight down, past the clouds as Touko was screaming her butt off, and flew right past one of the stewardesses attempting to use her Pokemon, a Musharna, like a parachute. "Miss, would you like a ride?" Touya held out his hand to the stewardess, who yanked it and pulled herself on the back of his Braviary. "Now, just to get the rest! I can hold two more people on Braviary's back, and a lot more if I use the ring around a rosy maneuver."

Meanwhile, below the scene...

_I'm calling Gary's older brother (almost said sister there) Blue, instead of the Japanese-given name Green. And the female player in Pokemon FireRed and LeafGreen will be Leaf instead of Blue (manga). It's just my preference, because it sounds a hundred times cooler. Ash's older brother's name is the color of your blood that is spewing out of your chest right now. Or it will be._

A cruise ship, _Princess Luna_, was peacefully heading for Hoenn. It was quite a big one; 20 stories tall, 2 miles long, and half a mile wide. Since it was so big, it was powered by steam, solar, electrical, fossil fuels, and a fission reactor. 2 olympic pools and a small water park were located, as well as a small takeoff and landing zone for small planes and helicopters that extended out the sides of the ship, parallel to it. If needed, four gigantic helicopter rotors could stick out the side (like the carrier in _The Avengers_) and convert the entire ship into an air cruiser.

"WOOHOO!" Running through the entrance to the water park were 8 close friends, 2 from Hoenn, 2 from Kalos, 1 from Unova, and 3 from Johto. "SILVER! HURRY THE F UP!" shouted the Unovan.

"HUGH! SHUT THE F UP!" Snapped back Silver from Johto, trying to cram his head and spiky (...) crimson hair though the neckhole of his swimming shirt and adjusting his swimming trunks. "How do you get this d-mn thing on?!" Silver complained, walking up the steps to the 8-story tall water slide. Unfortunately, two of his childhood friends were behind him and were forming a devious plan, which was given away by their giggling. Silver turned around to see two 13 year old girls he easily recognized. The first girl, Lyra, had brown hair in two curved, moderately long ponyails (thank god for no shoulder length hair), and the other, Crys, had a similar hairstyle, except that the color was blue and the ponytails were oddly bent at perfect 90 degree angles.

"LAST ONE DOWN THE SLIDE IS A ROTTEN EXEGGCUTE!" cheered Lyra and Crys. They shoved Silver out of the way and slid down the slide, but unfortunately Silver went tumbling over the side of the slide. _Great, I'm gonna die now._ Luckily, the slide run directly beneath him, landing him right in front of Lyra and Crys.

"Skiiilllllllll..." happily sang Silver to himself as he rested on his back while he slid down the slide. Unfortunately, up ahead was a fork in the slide, and guess where Silver landed. Right in the middle, smashing his crotch against the divider.

"WOO HOO Hoo hoo..." Lyra and Crys zoomed by Silver as he slowly bent forwards and screamed in pain. His family jewels were probably permanently damaged, and at his current pain level, he wouldn't be able to sit for quite a while.

"...ow..." choked out Silver as he continued sliding down. His balls were not on fire. They felt like they were just stomped on by a Donphan.

"MAHAN!" Remarked Hugh, who was at the bottom. "Did you see Silver?! Hey, Calem, how was Unova?"

"Unova's awesome!" declared Calem, fistpumping. Along with his friend, Serena, they were both 11 and the youngest of the group. "THIS PLACE IS AWESOME! I can't wait to explore Hoenn!"

"It gets as hot as h-ll!" remarked Brendan, wearing a hat that resembled a white and green windsock. "I do have to say, though, it's got some pretty rare Pokemon that you don't see in Kalos! Hey, where's May?" All of a sudden, a girl with a green head bandana that let her long brown bangs stick out the side tackled him and held him under the water for 5 seconds, being rewarded with bubbles rising to the surface.

"MAY!" Silver awkwardly shambled over to his 7 friends, still in pain. "How many times do I have to tell you to _not drown Brendan?!_ The bet's off! It was off 5 months ago!"

"Oh, Silver, you say that as if a plane is about to crash through the ceiling." she joked. The wing from a massive plane suddenly smashed through the roof of the water park, splitting it in half as the plane just soared over the boat, about to crash into the water. Metal was ripped like paper, jagged pieces of the ceiling rained down on the innocent swimmers, and screams immediately filled the air.

"WELL, ONE JUST DID!" He yelled. Looking through the long gash in the ceiling, he saw a Braviary steadily flying closer and closer to the boat. "Wait... is that..."

"WOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!" The Braviary soared over the boat, supporting 20 plane survivors, including Touya, Touko, Bianca, and Cheren. "I'M SUPERMAN B-TCHES!" Braviary landed in the middle of a pool as people were running in circles, screaming. All of this, and there was one man just... sitting in the pool. Serena noticed him and ran up.

"Sir! Sir!" Her waist length golden hair bounced everywhere as she approached the man from the side. "A plane just crashed into the boat! Quickly, get to a lifeboat!" Walking around to face him from the front, she noticed a piece of metal was stuck in his head, length-wise and splitting it right between the nose. Brains mixed in with blood was dripping out of his open mouth and creating a crimson cloud that was quickly expanding in the water.

Brendan apparently saw Serena and ran up to her, then saw the man. Removing the sunglasses off of his eyes, he declared, with a twitching eye,

"MOTHER OF GOD."


	34. One heck of a discovery

Chapter 34

"Chief, wake up." Once again, perhaps his hundredth time, Master Chief slowly opened his eyelids to welcome in the blinding, orange light. "On a second thought... go back to sleep." The voice was Cortana's.

"Uh... where's the anesthesiologist?" a nervous, male voice asked. Fully awake, Master Chief looked down at his abdomen, that was open and currently displaying its contents to the surgeon above him. "WE DIDN'T GIVE HIM ENOUGH! Sir, please, calm down... we're removing shrapnel from your abdomen..." The pain was something he had gotten used to; when he was fighting, he was stabbed in the same place 10 times over the span of 5 hours... and survived. "Where's the syringe? No, I can't get one FROM THAT BOX! I'll poke myself and get AIDS! Sir, I'm real sorry about this!" A soldier, wearing armor that appeared like a hybrid of Master Chief and Isaac Clarke's armor, burst into the room, holding a rifle that looked like a FAMAS, and smashed Master Chief in the face with the solid stock, knocking him out instantly.

Later...

"How long has it been?"

"Around 2 hours. The time is 4:00 AM, Detroit, United States of America in the year 2027."

"No wonder everything looks outdated..." Master Chief slowly sat up in his bed, just in his bodysuit. Unlike the white hospital rooms he normally saw, everything was black and orange with hexagonal designs. "Where are the others? Where are the Blood Gulch Spartans, the mercenaries, Isaac Clarke, Samus, and... Steve? What happened?"

"Quite a lot happened, Chief." sighed Cortana. "We'll discuss this later, but for now, finding the others is our first priority." Master Chief got out of the bed and used his IV bag and heart rate monitor on wheels as a support to walk around. The doors slid open to reveal the inside of the _largest _hospital he had ever seen, as well as the most complicated. On one wall, there were cryostasis tubes made of glass and containing human fetuses, with some of their mothers observing and talking to them. Attached to the roof was an automated wire system, similar to a zipline, that carried stretchers to different operation rooms, with various nurses and surgeons running under them. Walking by him, two black and yellow robots that were clearly styled after the ones in _Elysium _started to patrol the hallways.

"Chief... a corrupt AI system is invading your neural implants-" Cortana's voice was abruptly cut off and replaced by a familiar one's.

"WHOA-HOA-HOA!" Leonard Church, also known as the Alpha (or Epsilon), invaded his systems. "Hey, Master Chief! I didn't expect to see you here! Did you want to find out where your friends are?"

"Yeah, how did you know-"

"'CAUSE I CAN'T FIND THEM AS WELL!" shouted Church. "Look, I _swear _I heard Spork when I was residing in Caboose's armor, but when I entered various security cameras that have surprisingly excellent quality, I could not find him! AT ALL!"

Inside Master Chief's mind...

"Whoa!" Inside a neural implant was like being a human for an AI, and that's what Church was experiencing. Master Chief's mind took on the form of a Japanese temple. Cherry Blossom trees were _everywhere, _and standing under one was Cortana as a human. "I expected to see a battlefield in Chief's mind, but _this? _Cra-zy! Oh, hey, Cortana! How's it going?"

"_How's _it going?" Cortana looked at Church, who was wearing his cobalt MK. VII powered assault armor. "How is the end of the world going? So far, pretty catastrophic for Master Chief and me."

Church was bewildered at his surroundings. "You know, I'm thinking of retiring here when the UNSC doesn't have any use for me any more. Care to join me when that happens? We can go rampant together... die together... be hacked together... go hack together... are you like Texas in any way?"

"No..."

"Ok, this is going to be tricky..."

Back to Earth...

"Where did my armor go?"

"Let's see..." Cortana was silent for 5 seconds, then answered "the surgeons removed it during the operation, and the military confiscated it for their own studies."

"Uh-huh!" Church cut in. "I told her that. So you should thank me more."

"Did not!" Cortana shot Church an angry glare inside his neural implant.

"Did too! I helped you search the database, didn't I? After all, I'm the ALPHA! I also found the location of Caboose, Tucker and the others; inside this floor's lobby. First, take a right, and go left at the end of the hallway." Master Chief followed the instructions from his newly acquired AI, and found himself at the receptionist desk of the floor. "BOOSH! Told ya so." Cortana rolled her eyes and facepalm'd.

"These aren't all of the others." Sitting on the lobby's couch were the Blood Gulch Spartans, Haruhi, and the Arbiter.

Walking up to them, Simmons looked at Master Chief and nearly spat the coffee he was drinking out of his mouth in surprise. "M-Master Chief! What are you doing here?!" He immediately rested his coffee cup down on the table and saluted Master Chief. Tucker, Grif, Caboose, Donut, and Doc followed a similar action.

"I was with you when all of that... happened." he replied.

"Happened, huh?" Church spoke. "To say 'happened' would be most inaccurate. I think a more fitting statement is **GETTING OUR A-SES HANDED TO US!**"

A familiar girl burst into the room, beaming and wearing some super expensive, overpriced designer clothing that you can get for nearly 1/6th of the price at Walmart and other stores. "Cabooooooooooooose-San! May I call you Onii-Chan now?" She tackled Caboose and started to tickle the living daylights out of his sides as he burst into uncontrollable laughter. "What's that? You're ticklish here?"

"And who is this?" Master Chief pointed to Haruhi, who was pulling up Caboose's blue shirt with white sleeves and giving him a raspberry.

"Ah, she's Haruhi, our newest member of the Blood Gulchers." Responded Church. For the next 10 seconds, the entire floor was filled with Caboose's laughs and rasps for oxygen. "She's _very _energetic. Uh... Caboose... you can put her down now." Opening his eyes, Caboose realized he accidentally picked up Haruhi and was flailing her in the air as he was being tickle tortured.

"Oh yeah. Sorry about that." He slowly put Haruhi down next to him. "Where is Rias? And the guy with Alastor on his hand? And why do I sound different?"

"More importantly... why do _WE _look different?!" Simmons just realized that he was no longer a cyborg (excluding the half of his face, which was still robotic), and that he had his human body back. Additionally, the rest of the Blood Gulch Spartans looked... odd.

"How come I sound, like, 9 years younger?" Grif looked at his hands. "Where's my addiction to smoking?! Why don't I feel as tired as I normally do?" Sarge also lost his graying hair and looked _much _younger as well, but Caboose looked as if nothing had happened to him.

"Wait..." Cortana had an idea. "If we really went back in time... then isn't there a chance that we could get younger as well? It could be a side effect of time traveling."

"Hah!" Sarge waved it off, and noticed how differently he sounded. "WHAT THE-! Is there any way we can find out our _legitimate _age? If we really _are _younger, then I'm just going to walk into a corner and scream. Very loudly."

A nurse happened to be walking by, and overheard their conversation. "I'm just making sure that all of our patients are accounted for... let's see... Dexter Grif? Is there a Dexter Grif in here?" Grif raised his hand and asked,

"Uh... how old am I again?" He asked.

"You? Oh, yeah, 16." As soon as the very number reached Grif's ears, fifty heart attacks were suffered, and a lone cry worked its way out of his mouth. _THE F—K?! HOW THE H-LL AM I 16 AGAIN?! Does time traveling really have its cost?! On the other hand... this means I can change my actions in high school and college! YES! THIS IS AWESOME! _"Dexter? Are you okay?" asked the nurse.

"I'm fine..." a million ideas raced through Grif's mind. He wouldn't party as much and study more, as well as not get into the habit of smoking so much and exercise more. "...I'm more than fine, actually."

"Dick Simmons. Is there a Dick Simmons here? And a Michael Jonathan Caboose, Lavernius Tucker, Franklin Delano Donut, Frank DuFresne, and William Block?"

"Uh, here." said the rest of the (former) Spartans in unison. "Wait, who's William Block?" Grif looked around the room and tried to remember a William he knew.

"It's me." Sarge pointed to himself. "I'm William Block."

"Huh." Simmons remarked. "You don't look like a William at all. Are you, by any chance, a descendant of Harlon Block?"

"Alright, now I'm assuming he isn't here..." the nurse walked off, in search for the next person on her roster.

"16 YEARS OLD." Grif suddenly complained. "16 F—KING YEARS OLD. Why the h-ll are we 16 years old again? I say BULLSH-T! Utter, complete, f—ked up bullsh-t. We can't just turn 16 out of the blue! HOW CAN WE TURN 16?!" He demanded, shaking Simmons incessantly.

"I conjecture traveling through time and space has the small chance of having effects on _our _time, or age." guessed Simmons. Grif stopped shaking him, and resumed looking at his hands. "Hopefully, we still retain our augmentations and memories. If you can remember the Meta, then we still have our memories."

"On the other hand, we get to enjoy being 16 years old again. WOOHOO!" Tucker threw his hands in the air and high-fived Donut. "It feels good to be young again!"

"Harlon Block? The flag raiser on Iwo Jima?" William tried his best to remember the tales his father told him as a child, and what he managed to find in his family's attic. "Why, yes I am! I have the pure blood of the flag raiser running though me!" He declared with pride, standing up on the lobby's table. "I HAVE THE BLOOD OF A FLAG RAISER! And you shall all bow down to my Duke Nukem hairstyle as well as accept me as your righteous leader." Pointing to his brown hair styled after Duke Nukem's hair, he smiled.

Tucker groaned. "I played Duke Nukem a little bit when I was 14 and _hated it._ From that day forward, I never listened again to the advice of a retro gamer."

William coughed and said in his best Duke Nukem voice, "Yippie ki yay, motherfu-"

"All of you guys are 16, too!" Haruhi exclaimed. "So, how does it feel like being a teenager again?"

"I feel great." Doc responded in a monotone voice. "Where is Asia...? I miss her-" he realized what he had just said out loud, and everybody in the room stared at Doc. "W-what? Did I say something weird?"

"Frank-San, good morning!" Asia said, skipping into the room. "Why does Frank-San look younger?"

"We all look younger because traveling through time had a negative effect on ours, which made us younger." explained Tucker.

"Oh, really?" Asia said sweetly with a (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ face. "That means we can all go to school together!" _Asia is sooooooooooo cute... _Doc started drooling a waterfall and coating the floor in his slippery saliva. "Maybe we can join clubs together... or be student counselors... or even do community work together!"

"Snap outta it, Frank." Sarge backhand slapped Frank across the face. "We have lots of work to do. First of all, we have to find 1337, Nicole, Spork, and Stratos, because without them, we're as good as dead. Not only that, we would also need the help of the devils. Especially Rias Gremory. Yes. We need Rias Gremory and her power of destruction." It was evident of what William had just said, and how he said it. Tucker, Grif, Frank_lin,_ Frank, Caboose, Master Chief, and Asia looked at each other, then William suspiciously. "What? Why are you all looking at me like that?"

"William-San," Asia pushed her index fingers together and looked up at him, "do you like Rias-Sama?" William's face lost its color in 3 seconds.

"Eh..." He nervously chuckled and scratched the back of his head. "...kind of..."

"Are you nervous, William-San?" wondered Asia out loud. Around the corner appeared Rias with a bandaged arm.

"Asia!" She ran up to Asia and hugged her. "I'm relieved to see you're still in one piece!"

"Uh... hey, Rias..." greeted William. "Nice to see you... is your arm okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Rias insisted. "It's just a little cut." She removed the bandages to reveal a deep cut, oozing out pus. Frank backflipped in horror, and William stumbled backwards, falling off of the table and landing on Grif. "Oh, my... it looks like I have quite an infection..."

"Lady Rias!" William raced up to her and inspected the cut. "Eeugh, I'll go get somebody!" Asia, however, held up both of her hands to the cut, and they started to glow a faint green. Slowly, the cut closed up on itself as the pus disappeared.

"Arigato, Asia-Senpai."

"Mahan! How did you do that?!" Frank looked in interest at Asia's hands, his look strong enough to burn right though them. "That would really come in handy when I need to disinfect wounds in the battlefield!"

Grif finished taking a sip of his bottle of water and added, "And maybe decrease the percentage of failure to 1, instead of 1 hundred."

"Hey!" Frank protested, facing Grif. "The medical school I went to used sheep for surgical practice, and they claimed that the people I would be treating had the same anatomy of a sheep's!"

"But you still failed it, nonetheless." said William.

"At least I still have my MEDICAL SCANNER!" Frantically searching the pockets in his purple shorts, Frank tried to look for his medical scanner that was never there. "AAAaaaand it looks like I lost it. Well, that's great." Sarge looked at his watch. It read 4:05 AM, signifying the start of a _very _long morning.

"Ughhhh..." Grif slumped in his couch. "I'm so booooored..."

"_I'm _bored!" Snapped Haruhi. "Come on, let's go play a game or something."

"A game?" Caboose piped up. "What's the game? I spy? Spin the bottle? Poker?"

William answered, "Kill Grif. Hey! Where's my shotgun?" To compensate, he picked up the flower vase next to him and threatened to smash it over Grif's head.

"Why don't you check out the lobby?" suggested Master Chief. "I'm pretty sure they have a library... or an arcade... perhaps they have a restaurant! I'll stay here in case I encounter more of them."

"Gee, that sounds fun." sighed Grif sarcastically. "I sure enjoy playing old 1980s arcade games that cost 25 cents per second to play. Why don't we go eat? At McDonalds?"

"NAH." Haruhi waved the idea off. "How 'bout we go shopping?"

"Yay!" agreed Caboose. "We can go buy a tank!"

"A..." Haruhi looked at him confusingly. "...a tank? SWEET! But for now, ARM WRESTLING CONTEST!" She slammed her elbow on the table and attempted to push Caboose's hand down, completely underestimating him and writhing around as her hand slowly inched closer and closer to its impending doom. And then it happened; her middle knuckle grazed the colt glass of the table, announcing the victor of the arm wrestling match; Caboose.

"I WIN!" Caboose fistpumped in victory, accidentally punching the light above him due to his height. Glass was showered all over his blonde buzz cut. "I WIN ALL HAND WRESTLING CONTESTS! THERE IS NO EXCPETION!"

"Oh yeah?" A security bot was walking by, falling victim to Church and his master scripting, hacking, and coding skills. The bot was now his, giving him a bada-s looking robot body. "YEAH! Try to beat... THE HYDRAULIC HAND FROM HELL!" A new hand wrestling match was commenced, but it turns out Caboose was right. He will _always _be the winner of every hand wrestling contest... and there were no exceptions indeed. "Ok... if I can't beat you... 1337 will! If he can't Nicole can! If even Nicole cannot defeat you... then Allison, the rook Koneko, Stratos, and Master Chief will beat you!"

"I'm bored. Let's go downstairs and check out the lobby!" Haruhi took the hand of Caboose and William, leading them to the elevator. "Frank-Saaaaaaaaan! Come on!" Doc slowly rose with Asia and went into the same elevator that quickly slammed its doors shut and began its descent to the fiery depths of hell. Well, not really. It just went fast enough for it to counteract gravity for everything inside it, thanks to Newton's First Law. This creates an artificial zero-gravity experience for anybody inside the elevator, that briefly came to a stop when the elevator smashed into the first floor.

The elevator doors opened, revealing a lobby, the kind that was made of 70% glass and other beautiful but expensive and crappy materials. Outside, the night sky was lit a dark gray and some shades of orange, almost blending in with the extremely high rises of Detroit. All buildings were colored black with orange and yellow, with holographic billboards, holographic phones, holographic everything, and mechanical contraptions.

"Wow, I never knew living in a cyberpunk world could be so awesome." gawked Frank. Asia was blown away by the utter beauty of the city, despite the fact that it looked like a normal metropolis. One of the buildings was around 500 stories tall, and it looked like it was rising out of a subterranean area, adding to its height. "So... there's nothing in the lobby, really. I think we should go back up."

"Nonsense, Frank!" Sarge slowly stood up in pain from inside the elevator and walked up to the front doors. "Come on. Let's go check out the city for a moment."

"Whatever you do," warned the female receptionist, "do _not _go to lower Detroit."

"Lower?" Sarge looked at the lady as if she had over 9000 heads. "What do you mean, lower?"

The receptionist sighed. "How many times do I have to explain this? Ok... Detroit is situated on 2 levels. The first one, at 400 stories for a normal building, is upper Detroit, and where the law actually means something. Lower Detroit is located on the actual ground, blocked out by the sunlight and void of law. It's _hell _down there, and most of the buildings are the old, 2010s kind."

"Don't worry about it!" Caboose ran through the door after opening it, followed by Haruhi, Frank, and Asia. "We won't go to the ghetto Detroit."

"That was the most racist statement..." William said flatly, "...of all time."

Caboose looked at him angrily. "Hey, you stole Washington's line! And it is called a Ghetto if there is no law." Upper Detroit had 3 libraries, 2 super bowl stadiums, one massive clot of towering buildings that ripped through the clouds and went as high as the exosphere, a complicated monorail system that circled around buildings in the air, a massive force of police robots armed with AK12s, a population of 1 million, and finally, an overpopulated SteamCommunity gaming group. Lower Detroit was similar, except with more police droids, this time armed with Saiga 12Ks, drum magazines full of slugs.

The elevator in the building opened to reveal Grif, Simmons, Donut, and Tucker. Running out the front door, Simmons suggested, "LET'S VISIT THE LIBRARY!"

Later...

_What's this? _Caboose, as naïve and curious as ever, clicked on an .iso file named "S", and waited for something to happen. In the library, there was an abundance of computers, holobooks, and surprisingly silent silence. Nothing happened.

"How do I use this godd-mn thing?!" Church whispered. Somehow, the robot's speaker adapted to his voice and emulated it perfectly. He was holding two metal rods the same size of chopsticks. "YOU CALL THIS A BOOK?!"

"Pull them apart." Simmons suggested, reading the book _The Art of War_. Church pulled the metal rods apart, and in between them, a yellow, holographic page appeared.

"Wow, this is awesome!" Church swiped through the pages of his holobook, _Les Miserables. _"Thanks, Simmons!"

"HOLY COW!" suddenly shouted Grif from the corner of the room, reading a copy of _Monkey D. Luffy. _"Man, I love holographic books! You can also use 'em as chopsticks, too!" He was rewarded with a backhand from William for his loudness. Meanwhile, on Caboose's computer screen, the words on the Wikipedia page he was reading were fluctuating and randomly switching between random characters, numbers, hieroglyphics, and some text faces.

"I shouldn't have opened that .iso file..." muttered Caboose, ready to raise his hand to call for a tech supporter, when suddenly, the screen faded to black. "Wait, what's going on?" Racing through 50 different colors in one second, the screen continued its color display. "Man... did I install a virus?"

"Caboose..." a female voice rang through his head. The computer screen went back to normal. "Caboose..." it was eerily familiar.

"W-Who said that?!" Caboose quietly cried, falling back in his chair and standing up. There was nobody else in the computer room with him, yet it sounded like the voice was coming from inside his head.

"Caboose..."

"Wait." Caboose closed his eyes and tried to remember the voice. Was it from... _NO WAY. _"S-Sheila, is that you?"

"Oh, Caboose!" the voice inside his head sighed with relief. "I thought you forgot me for a moment there."

"SHEILAAAAA!" Caboose screamed with glee, hugging his head. Sheila was an artificial intelligence and Caboose's best friend when he was in Blood Gulch with the others. She resided in a tank, and despite her appearance, was the most caring out of the Blood Gulchers. However, she was presumed dead a few months ago, leaving him devastated. But it turns out she was still alive. "Sheila, I missed you **SO **much!" Tears were welling up in his eyes, relieved to see his friend was still alive.

"I'm glad to see you're still alive, Caboose." smiled Sheila. "For now, I'll reside in your neural implant. I was waiting for you... for so long..."

"Don't worry, Sheila!" Caboose started crying. "We'll never be separated again... I won't let them take you..."

"SHUSH!" Church poked his new robot head around the corner. "Caboose, are you having one of your memories again?" He transferred himself into Caboose's neural implant and leaving the security robot in a vegetable state, completely wiped and waiting for commands to be installed. "WHOAWHATTHEF—K?!" Inside Caboose's neural implant, which emulated a deserted Six Flags Amusement Park, was a beautiful Caucasian woman, in her mid 20s, with pale skin, platinum blonde hair, and maroon eyes one could get hypnotized by. Her choice of coloration, however was terrible; dark purple, light pink, and cyan do not mix.

It was Sheila, commonly known as Sheila the Tank.

"How in the flying f—k?" Church was appalled (in a good and bad way) at the very sight before his eyes as memories flashed through his eyes. Specific memories of when Sheila was controlling the blue team's tank and accidentally blowing Church's robot bodies up, pissing him off to near insanity but always forgave her because of her manners and apologies. "Weren't you in Valhalla? In the crashed Pelican's database?!"

"I was... but one of the space-time tears opened up, pulling the Pelican up and me as well. The Pelican ended up in this city, so I downloaded myself to this library when I heard of Caboose and the others visiting the library." explaied Sheila. _D-mn, she looks so-_

"Caboose!" Tucker snapped, walking in and reading a holobook of a certain book named _The Hound of Baskerville. _"How many times do I have to tell you to be quiet?! People are trying to glue their eyes on the words of their books, but you keep washing them off!"

"Uh..." Caboose had no idea what he was trying to imply.

Tucker facepalmed. "What I'm trying to say... is... don't be loud and attract a lot of attention to yourself. It's just going to get us kicked out." He left the room, leaving Caboose and Sheila forming a plan in her mind...

"Caboose? Let's go look for a book I've been wanting to read..." she smiled. Church left Caboose's neural implant and reentered the robot, walking off with the fear of Sheila's plan embedded in his mind.

Later...

"Guys, it's 7:00 AM. Should we go get breakfast now?" Grif looked at his roaring stomach, yearning for strawberry waffles.

"Yeah. I'll get Caboose." Tucker put his holobook down and went to go look for Caboose. _Where could he be... _he wasn't in the biography section, nor was he in the comic book area, or the computer room... Tucker even considered looking in the puppet show room. _Ok, just where in the h-ll is Caboose?! I thought he would be screamingOH CRAP!_

"Wow..." As he walked by an isle of books, he saw Caboose sitting down on a beanbag chair, reading a book with Sheila whispering the words to him. "Uh... ehem.. Sheila? Why are we reading this again?" Tucker swiped the book out of his hands, fearing the worst. He read the title of the book. He read it again. Maybe the book jacket was swapped with another. Nope, he was looking at the truth.

_Twilight._

"NOT TWILIGHT!" Tucker snapped, whispering. "Every single f—king character in here is a Gary Stu and a Mary Sue. The book's idea is unoriginal. Heck, this is a hundred times worse than the terrible FanFiction I was reading. I hate vampires, and draculas are one hundred times cooler than these highschool wannabes. Come on, we're going to eat breakfast. At iHop."

Caboose stood up and followed Tucker out of the room and into the library's main room, where the rest of the former Spartans, Asia, and Haruhi were waiting. "We're going to iHop." announced Tucker. "Nobody wants to have breakfast at McDonalds, correct? They just offer decent food for a blazingly high price."

"Right back at you." growled William. "The food at iHop tastes like manure, yet it's expensive. No way in h-ll am I eating in your 'iHop'. For all we know, you dirty blues could have mined the booth seats!" Simmons, as always, facepalmed at William's lame excuse. "I propose we go to McDonalds and get HASH BROWNS!"

Grif coughed. "Ehembullsh-tehem." He was backhand slapped across the face, just adding to the commotion in the library.

"**SILENCE!**" shrilled the receptionist.

Caboose snickered. "How about we ask the fox?"

"Wait, what fox?" asked Church. Running back inside the library, ignoring the librarians' pleas to slow down, he ran to the kids' section, got a fox puppet, and returned with it on his hand.

Opening his mouth, he blurted "WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY?!"

"Does it look like I give a _single sh-t _about what the f—k about what the freaking fox says?!" Church kicked over a trash can outside the library. "I hate that f—king song!"

"L-Let's go to iHop!" Asia cried, trying to avoid a fight breaking out. "Church-San! Please calm down!" She hopped on Church's robot body and tried to cover its speakers.

Hospital...

"Ugh..." Spork woke up and smashed his head on a tray above him. Down fell scalpels, scissors, and various pins that landed into his open chest, being operated on by surgeons. "...OW! OW OW OW OW OW! AAUGHH!" Hey, try being awake when you're being operated on with no morphine or sleep-inducing drugs.

"Man, we need to get a new anesthesiologist." commented one of the surgeons. "This one sucks." She picked up a syringe and stabbed it in his arm, injecting the entire thing in it. Now Spork was asleep, but his pain wasn't subsiding. So for the entire surgery, he was asleep but could feel _every single _cut and blast of pain. He couldn't wake up, say anything, or do anything. "Alright, now time to close this up. Gus! Hand me the surgical stapler!" _OH NO! PLEASE! OH GOSH PLEASE NO NO NO! _Spork tried to jerk his hand up, or do anything that would prevent them from stapling his wounds shit, but no. He felt a cold object placed on his stomach, waiting to be closed up by the surgical staples. SNAP! The staple ripped through his skin and tightly held a portion of the incision shut. SNAP! Another one was inserted, causing Spork to lose his mind. SNAP SNAP SNAP! _Is this what it feels like to drink molten lead? _SNAP! "Oh, crap! Hand me the tweezers, I need to take this one out!"

Later...

Spork flung himself up. "**AAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGHHHH! I'M GOING TO SUE YOU FOR THIS! ALL OF YOU! I COULD FEEL EVERY SINGLE THING!**" His abdomen looked fine; the staples were removed, revealing a faint, red line where the incision was. However, the pain was still there.

"Ohayo, Spork-Kun!" _CRAP! Oh gosh please no oh gosh please no... _he slowly turned his head to the left to see a familiar female teenager with red and yellow irises. "How was your surgery?" Spork somersaulted out of the bed and backed himself against the black and orange hexagonal wall.

Spork felt like something was about to explode out of his chest. Was Kurumi here to kill him again? "SURGERY?!" He shouted. "I'd say it was more like TORTURE! The anesthesiologist didn't give me enough of the anesthesia-inducing drug, so therefore I woke up in the middle of the operation! Then, one of the surgeons injected me with MORE of it, so technically I was asleep, but I could feel every single cut they formed on me and my insides!" Spork started to relax his muscles; if Kurumi was planning to kill him, she would've done so already and time sped out of the area after creating another spacequake. She was like an engima; killing her was impossible, and according to Rias, the other alternative was nearly as unlikely as the first. "So, why are you here? Are you going to tell me something?"

She nodded. "I'm just going to give you a little tip." Walking up to him, she whispered "_Don't _even think about trying to stop me." And with a wave, she disappeared just as one of the nurses walked in. _Aw heck no! No way on Earth is she forcing me to give up so easily! There is a way... I just need to find out..._

"...sir? Sir, can you hear me?" Shaking his head, Spork faced the nurse.

"Huh? What? Yeah, I can hear you A-OK." He looked around the room. No matter how hard he looked, he could not find a trace of Kurumi. "I'd like to let you know that for the entire surgery.. I could feel EVERYTHING. 'Hey, Gus, please hand me the surgical stapler!'" He pinched his nose and tried to emulate the female surgeon.

"I'll be right back." She hurriedly ran outside, where an argument erupted. Spork realized he was still in his white and green bodysuit, so he walked outside and looked around for the Meta, Saya, Takashi, Rei, Alice, Saeko, Shizuka, and even Zeke the puppy. The nurse was arguing with what looked like a surgeon, and slapped right on his shoulder was a label that read "ANESTHESIOLOGIST". _So he's the bloke who didn't give me enough of the anesthesia-inducing drug, huh?_

"HOW THE H-LL IS IT MY FAULT! I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO CONVERT TO THE STANDARD SYSTEM!" argued the anesthesiologist. "I ONLY KNOW THE METRIC SYSTEM!"

"But you're supposed to know both systems and how to convert them!" counter-argued the nurse. "This poor soul was in pain for 1 hour as you removed the shrapnel from him!" _I'd better find the others. _Spork turned around and ran straight into a wall. _Ok, that's the wall, _he thought as he started to have a bloody nose. _I'm going to go check in the lobby. _Walking off, Spork marveled at the technology the hospital incorporated. Orange, transparent tubes of a dark red liquid was going across the ceiling. On the walls were clear tubes, full of some murky liquid that made it impossible to see through. He walked up to one and received a heart attack when the hand of an infant smacked the glass, followed by its face that had a gas mask around its nose and mouth. There was a tube attached to it, trailing to the top of the tube. _Wow, so they grow the embryos in here?! _Unfortunately, where Spork and the other Spartans came from, the mothers still had to go through the extremely long and painful process of pushing... and pushing... and perhaps surgery.

A hand gripped his shoulder and turned him around, then slammed him against the wall. "W-why hello there!" Nervously laughed Spork. "And you are...?"

"...oh, Spork. Don't tell me you don't recognize me?" It was either Nicole or Stratos. Nicole or Stratos. He couldn't tell the two apart. They both had brown hair that reached their shoulders (ok, this is starting to be overused), one blue eye, and one red or yellow eye. Stratos had a red and blue eye, while Nicole had a blue and yellow eye. This person was covering her other eye with her bangs, so it was impossible to determine who it was. Since Nicole was Stratos's younger twin (4 minute difference), and they were both the same size as well as same voice. She revealed her left eye, one that had a blood red iris. BUT IT COULD BE A CONTACT! Stratos was more childlike and naive, while Nicole was a little more serious.

"Stratos...?" He guessed. Her eyes _really _creeped him out, and as a side effect of the augmentations, both of her eyes glowed in the dark and shone through her visor like a cat, which is why she was never taken with night raid teams. "Wait... why do you look different?"

"YYYEEEEAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!" A voice rang through the hallway that sounded dangerously like 1337's.

"I know why." Master Chief answered Spork's question. "Before we lost consciousness after the crash, we were thrown through one of the space-time tears, and apparently they have the side effect of distorting its occupants' time, or age. The Blood Gulch Spartans were similarly affected, and I'm assuming Spork is the only Spartan who is not affected by it."

"How can we just turn younger out of nowhere?" Stratos had a "that's bullsh-t" look on her face.

"When the multiverse can implode on itself," explained Cortana, "anything can happen."

"So it's like Batman?" said Spork.

"Uh, yes... except that we have a reason to be young again." said Master Chief. "I think I'm only 3 years younger now, which means I'm 37."

"Feels so good to be young again..." Stratos fell on the linoleum, hexagonal floor, attempting to create snow angels (well, to be accurate, linoleum angels).


	35. Last Resort

Chapter 35

"AAAaaaand... we still have no word on them." The UNSC Nagato was attempting to find a clear tract of water on Earth big enough to submerge itself, just for the thrills. Unfortunately, the Pacific Ocean wasn't as empty as it was 500 years ago, and the Indian Ocean was nearly drained. "The Spartans' current status is unknown. At the moment, we have no Spartan-IIs in the UNSC's possession."

"D-mnit... _now _I regret my choice. Does this include Agent Washington and the Arbiter?"

"Yeah... sadly. Even if we were able to find out their whereabouts, there is a small chance they still have their armor on... or their lives."

"Nonsense! I know the Spartan-IIs. They don't die, nor do they go missing in action. They just come back, either with their mission accomplished or their a-ses handed to them."

Meanwhile...

"Chuuurch! Oh, Chuuurrrccchhh! Chuuurrcchh! CCCHHHUUUURRRCCCHHH! CCCccccCCCCchhhuuuRRRRRrrrccchhh! Where are you, Church?" Caboose blurted, walking along the supermarket and looking for the rest of his friends. Yep, he was lost. "Sheila, may you please tell me where Church and the others are?"

"Certainly, Caboose." replied Sheila. "Church and the others are currently in the bookstore, 5 shops down." _Why are they in the bookstore? I thought we were just at the library. _Thought Caboose, sprinting past an _A&amp;F _store, an arcade, _Hot Dog on a Stick, _a sporting goods store, and finally, the bookstore. Not just _any _bookstore...

"...manga?" Caboose entered. "Why would they be in here?"

"I'm bored." Grif walked along the book isles, trying to find something that would catch his eye.

"Here." Tucker handed Grif _Vividred Operation. _"I enjoyed it, but the anime sucks. Oh, hey, Caboose! Church was looking for you. Oh, wait. He's here now. Nevermind."

"You were here _this whole time _and DIDN'T TELL ME!?" He shouted.

"No, dude, he just got here." said Tucker. "Oooh, what's this? _Lucky Star?_" He picked up a book from the shelves, but got it swiped out of his hands.

"Dibs." Church claimed the book and started to read it, only realizing that it was volume 9. "Hey, where's volume one?!" Looking at the book in Tucker's hands, he started trying to swipe it out of his hands.

"Dude! _Lucky Star _has no plot!" shouted Tucker. "Get the h-ll off of me!" Church stopped and continued reading volume 9 of _Lucky Star _in peace. "Jeez... _Lucky Star _is kind of like Garfield. And Calvin and Hobbes. It's a Japanese comic, except drawn like a manga."

Caboose was exploring the shelves and picked up a book. "What's this? _Gundam? _What's a Gundam?"

"A Gundam is a giant, fictional robot that is quite popular in Japan." answered Sheila.

"Robots? Oh, man, I love robots!" Caboose read the last page. "Wait, what? The end already?"

Sheila giggled. "The Japanese read and write from right to left. So, in order to read this correctly, you must read the book from the right side to the left."

Simmons was also reading the same book next to Caboose. "Such a robot would not be able to be created in real life. The size of its guns, the number of its guns, and pretty much every aspect about it only adds to the impossibility of it."

"But imagine if our armor was a scaled-down version of this!" Caboose smiled madly, fantasizing about a mech MJOLNIR (is it MLJONIR or MJOLNIR?) MK. VII powered assault armor system, complete with shoulder cannons, built in jetpacks and rocket boosters, and finally, a hint of Hayabusa. "That's when 'Shock and Awe' could actually mean something. Maybe in MK. VIII armor, we can get this design. Oh, oh, oh! Do you know what would be _cooler? _It would be totally wicked if our armor could fold into briefcases, like in _Iron Man 2! _We could just step into them, and the armor would fold onto us! And the arm cannons!"

"And a chest cannon that fires tank shots!" added Sheila. "Don't forget the energy sword attachment on the wrist!"

"Now, Caboose," Frank joined the conversation, "let's not get too carried away." He looked nervously at Asia and back at Caboose, then back at Asia. "Carried... away..."

Tucker walked up to Frank. "Doc, you really like her, don't you?" He nodded, still looking at Asia. "Why don't you go ask her out?"

"W-what?!" Doc stumbled back. "I can't do that! We _literally _just met!"

"Go buy her flowers or something." suggested Tucker. He was known for his plans that normally backfired in his face, but since there was a good chance that he was never going to see her again, Frank had no other choice. "Here's $20. Go buy her some blue flowers." Tucker handed Frank an Andrew Jackson. "I passed a flower store on the way here."

"I-I'll be right back!" Frank ran off.

3 minutes later...

"I... I got the flowers..." panted Frank. He held a bouquet of blue flowers and sunflowers. "Here's your change."

"Keep it." Tucker smiled. "Now go and ask her out after handing her the flowers." Frank glanced at Asia once more and sighed.

"I'll try my best." he promised.

"GOOD! NOW GO GET 'ER!" Tucker shoved Frank, stumbling his way up to Asia. "C'mon, Doc, you got this!"

Church walked up to Tucker. "You do know how shy he is, right? I'm pretty sure even _Simmons_ wouldn't be like this at all. Oh, man, I'm so going to record this!"

"Uh... h-hi, Asia-Chan!" Frank tried his best to keep a confident face and voice. Asia turned around and looked up at him with her (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ face.

"Ohai, Frank-San!" She said, beaming. "What are those flowers for?"

"Uh... these are for you..." he nervously handed her the bouquet. "A-and did it hurt?"

"Frank-San!" Blushing madly, she looked up at him. "Do you like me? And did what hurt?" Gulping, Frank repsonded,

"When you fell from heaven?" Frank remembered how Asia was a devil. "I-I mean when you rose from hell?" _D-mnit, he just botched the entire thing! _Facepalmed Tucker. _Frank, you are hopeless. When you ask a woman if she rose from hell, that's basically telling her "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!"_ "I-I didn't mean that... uh... I mean.. when you rose from heaven?"

"I'm sorry Frank-San..." she lowered her head, "...but I think I am already Issei's girlfriend." Just like that, Frank's dreams were smashed like a rock thrown through a pane of glass. "But you're still my friend! Please, don't me mad at me!"

"N-no... I understand... bye, Asia-Chan..." Frank slowly walked to Church, Tucker, and Caboose.

"Hey, dude, it's ok." Tucker tried to alleviate Frank's mental pain. "She's already Issei's girlfriend. Calm down, man! There are lots of other chicks out there like Asia."

"I think a part of me died inside there..." Frank tried to fight the tears welling up in his eyes, sniffling. "My gosh, I really _am hopeless_, aren't I?"

Church slapped Frank. "HEY! Don't degrade yourself like that. You're a thousand times better than I was the first time I tried to ask a girl out. You know what she did to me? Kick the living sh-t out of my nuts."

"Was it Texas?" asked Caboose.

"No. A marine." Church choked a little on his bad memory. "Anyways... don't go mentally insane and commit suicide or anything like that. Asia doesn't hate you; it's just that she likes Issei more. Now, just wait. I guarantee you... you will find somebody else."

William burst in the manga bookstore, _literally _kicking down the doors. "WHERE THE H-LL HAVE YOU BEEN?!

"Right back at you." Church glared at William. "Where the h-ll have _you _been? We told you that we were in the manga bookstore, looking for something _decent _to read instead of large-a*s novels in the library!"

"Why would you be reading manga?!" William picked up a random manga and started reading it the wrong way. "LOOK! They start from the end and go to the beginning! I _knew _Japan was a backwards society!"

"Sarge, it's just the way they read and write." facepalmed Simmons. "They're not drunk; it's just their way. Plus, Japan is not a backwards society."

"THEY GAVE US HELLO KITTY!" Donut cheered, holding up a _Hello Kitty _t-shirt he just bought. "Don't forget... CAPCOM! AND DEAD OR ALIVE! MANGA AND ANIME!" Donut and Spork were what you would call "anime freaks". They simply _could not survive _without it, and Spork had the fear of dying before he finished all of his favorite anime series. The thought of dying without knowing the ending to _Black Lagoon _horrifed Spork beyond recognition. If he lived in a time where all of his favorite anime series were nonexistent, he would go insane and kill people. To him, anime was a drug. Anime was 1/3 of his life.

"Anyways..." William closed his manga book, "...Master Chief is looking for you. He told you to come back by 8:30 AM, and it's 10:34 f—king AM." Saying goodbye, William left the bookstore.

Meanwhile...

"How does one just turn 16?" asked 1337, putting on a sage green t-shirt over a white, long-sleeved shirt. "It just seems... awkward and extremely random. Almost as if it is out of the blue. But this is AWESOME! I can rewrite my history and become the awesomest Spartan-II there ever WAS!"

Cortana sighed. "After the section of the hull smashed into us, a space-time rip in the fabric of reality opened above us, sucked us and millions of zombies in, and apparently distorted our 'time', or 'age'."

"Aha-some!" 1337 fistpumped with both of his hands. "I can have a giant sweet sixteen party!"

"No. Just... no." responded Master Chief coldly. "By the way... where are the Blood Gulch Spartans? They're nearly 2 hours late..."

"WE'RE HERE!" Out of the elevator stumbled Tucker, exhausted. "We ran.. all the way back... haahhh..." He fainted on the couch, snoring loudly.

"Dudes! You're back!" 1337 slipped on the silver aviators he pickpocketed from a nurse and walked over to William. "So, how was Detroit? Were there lots of crime? Pillage? Rape?"

"No... actually, it's more of a utopian city." admitted Church. "I'm pretty sure lower Detroit is like what you just said, though."

"Lower Detroit?" 1337 reiterated. "Whoa, so does this city have two levels? WICKED!" A hand smacked the back of Master Chief's head, turning around to see who it belonged to.

"Hey, Master Chief!" It was Isaac Clarke, the engineer who just wanted a normal life instead of being forced to fight for his own life. "What's up?! Long time no see!" That phrase _always _irritated Master Chief. Long time "no see"? That just proves you have terrible grammar. Why not "hey, I missed you"? "Say, where's Steve and Samus? They were with us... right?"

"Samus?" Caboose piped up. "Sam us?"

"Hey, who are these people? Your friends?" Isaac motioned to the Blood Gulch Spartans (formerly, let's just call them Blood Gulchers), Haruhi, and Asia. "Wow... you look..." he walked up to Haruhi, observing her anime-like features. "Ah, sorry. It's impolite to stare."

"These..." Master Chief announced, "are my... friends." Until that moment, everybody assumed Master Chief had no friends, just "close coworkers". "This is Caboose, Tucker, Church the artificial intelligence, William, Simmons, Grif, Donut, Frank "Doc", uh..."

"Haruhi!" she piped up. "And this girl is Asia, a devil."

"Devil?" Isaac scoffed. "What do you mean?" A bolt of lightning zoomed right in front of his face and disintegrating a potted plant, giving him a heart attack. Looking to the left, he saw Akeno with lightning surrounding her hand and a bunch of eyes glued to her. "Oh... she's a devil? AHH SH-T! Don't condemn me to hell!" He stumbled backwards and tripped over Church, who was sitting on the couch.

"Ara ara." giggled Akeno. "No, we won't."

Aboard the _Nagato..._

"We still have 2 Spartan-IIs left." The words were music to General McLeod's ears. "They're-"

"Send the bloody Spart'ns in!" ordered McLeod. "I dinnae think we have any of the Spartan-IIs left. Who are they?"

"Sir... they;re unexperienced for combat-"

General McLeod removed his helmet. "NAE! Just answer my question, lad. Who... are... they?" The informer gulped, and answered:

"Team Moldy Banana." McLeod lost all hopes, and slouched in his chair, sighing.

"If they're all we got, send them in." he reiterated. "But... we can stay in touch with them. Remember how we got these new transmission systems for the prototype MK. VIII armor systems we're currently developing right now?!" he leapt up from his seat (giving him a view of the entire ship) and grabbed the informer's collar. "Supposedly, they never fail, right? We can issue Team Moldy Banana the new prototype MK. VIII armor systems... 'nd they WILL NAE LOSE CONNECTION WITH THE UNSC!"

"O-ok, sir..." the informer picked up the intercom microphone-thingy and announced,

"**DEPLOY TEAM MOLDY BANANA.**"

On another part of the _Nagato..._

The Spartan-II cryotube room. Some were open, some were closed and decorated with flowers, and two... two were covered in 3-month old ice that frosted over the windows. In walked a Spartan-III in MJOLNIR HAZOP armor. The two cryo tubes that were left untouched were best left that way. The two Spartan-IIs inside were _extremely _dangerous, perhaps more dangerous than 117 himself if they were motivated. That was what they lacked... motivation.

Tapping buttons on each of the frosted-over cryotubes, the Spartan-III sighed and shuddered in fear. It was 3 months since they were discovered in a canyon in the middle of nowhere... are they still alive? Thoughts raced through his mind as the cryotube room flickered to life, lights turning on and both cryotubes steaming, then starting to glow red. The tubes on their sides started to shake around, melting off the ice on the windows and revealing the two Spartan-IIs.

Suddenly, the commotion stopped. Slowly opening with a hiss, both cryo tube's doors swung up and released a planetful of mist.

Both of them stepped out. Did they remember how to fight? Did they remember their training? Did they even remember who whey were?

A monotone voice cut through the silence.

"Hola."


	36. FINAL (for real) RESORT

Chapter 36

"Qué. La mierda." A robot donning brown MJOLNIR MK. VII standard issue powered assault armor declared.

Lopez.

Lopez, or as he liked to call himself, Lopez the Heavy, was a robot built by Sarge. His speech card was damaged, so as a result, it spoke Spanish. Nobody, except Donut, could understand him, yet he understood everybody else.

"Pensé que íbamos a ser deportados a los estados en guerra." he said.

"Yeah, well, you aren't going to be portended anymore." responded the Spartan-III (let's call him Hazop). "Are you all aware of what is going on? Private Kaikaina Grif, are you awake? **PRIVATE KAIKAINA GRIF!**" A knife grazed the side of his head, and out of the other cryostasis tube stepped a yellow armored Spartan-II. "Good, you're awake."

"How many d-mn times do I have to tell you that this armor is too f—king tight?!" She fidgeted around in her yellow armor. Kaikaina Grif was Dexter Grif's younger sister, who was mistakened to be a sweet, charming girl from Macon, Alabama. Instead, she was from Hawaii, and according to the others, was a 'loud slut'. Everybody referred to her as 'Sister', because Kaikaina was hard to say.

"We're going to full you up a little bit on what's going on so far." promised Hazop. "But for now, we're going to have to arm you guys up, with... new armor that isn't as tight!" Kaikaina cheered, and Lopez muttered something in Spanish. "Ok, guys, follow me." ordered Hazop. "The new armor we're going to entrust you with is the MJOLNIR MK. VIII powered assault armor. Its developer watched _Iron Man 2, Iron Man 3, Pacific Rim, Elysium, Gundam, _and played _Titanfall, Bangai-O: Spirits,_and finally, _Chess_. Compiling his research, he and his team designed, tested, and bedazzled the new suits of armor. I have to say, they are worth _much _more than $20,000,000 a suit."

Around the corner and through the door was the armory, and in the middle were 14 MK. VIIIs. They combined the looks of a Japanese mech, an _Elysium_ exoskeleton, and, of course, the looks of the MJOLNIR MK. V powered assault armor. It also has the functionality of an _Iron Man _suit, a _Titanfall _robot, and the capability to hold a bunch of firepower like the mech in _Bangai-O: Spirits._ 2 of the armor sets, the yellow and brown ones, were shone on by a spotlight. Robotic arms fell from the high ceiling and removed Sister's and Lopez's armor, leaving them in their bodysuits. For some unknown reason, Lopez's processors and sensors were located behind a metallic skull, making him look like the freaking Terminator.

Sister took 3 slow steps away from him.

"Alright, Kaikaina, hold your hand in the air." commanded Hazop. She held her hand up, and the yellow armor fell to pieces. "Wait for it..." the armor pieces suddenly folded together into a suitcase that flew right into Sister's hand held up in the air. "Now, step on any flat side of this 'suitcase'." Sister did as she was told, and instantly the armor folded up her legs, across her chest and down her arms, then finally the chest plate unfolded to reveal the helmet, collapsed, that smashed on her face and formed the helmet. With a hiss, the chestplate folded back and locked itself, followed by the other parts following a same action.

"Ni-hi-hice!" Sister started to stretch in it. "Aahhh... my puppies finally fit in here."

"Puppies?" Hazop looked at Lopez in confusion, who pointed at her chest and shrugged. "Oh. That's what she was complaining about. Anyways, Lopez. Just hold up your hand and-"

"¡Está hecho!" Admiring his new armor, Lopez decided to test out its strength. Stomping the titanium-a floor, he smashed his foot straight through it and into the next floor.

Hazop took out a long list of features it had. "Ok... whoa. It has a built in jetpack, built in rocket boosters, mini shoulder missile launchers that fire missiles the size of a .22 LR bullet, uh... enhanced reflexes and speed, thermal imaging, bio hazard protection, pressure displacement, loose joints, armor plating that isn't easy to grab and hold on, biofoam, 2 levels of energy shielding, WHOA! A weapon and ammunition folding system... temperature regulation, miniature fusion reactor, miniature solar panels, a machine that generates electricity from your movement with 99.99% efficiency-"

"Why is it _always _99.99%?" whined Kaikaina. "Why isn't it 100%?"

"I don't know..." Hazop continued reading the list, highlighting features that were actually worth mentioning. "A 'see through clothes' feature for finding tattoos, which I think is completely unnecessary, shock absorbers, built-in parachute, deep water functionality, super strength, a built-in, retracting wrist knife, and finally, a fail-proof transmission system. There are, like, 5,000 more features, and I'm not listing them allHEY!" Hazop yelled at Sister, who was flying around the armory with her rocket boosters and jetpack that also had folding, fixed wings. "Do NOT use them here. HEAR ME?!" She returned to the ground, nodding. "Good. You have 20 minutes to say your good-byes and arm up.

19 minutes later...

Sister decided to be a "foot soldier", so took an M395 DMR, an M6C magnum, and 2 frag grenades, as well as an A.S.D. for her DMR and magnum. Since Lopez referred to himself as "Lopez the Heavy", he decided to bring an M739 S.A.W., a pistol shotgun (20 gauge, slugs), and 10 frag grenades on the sides of his chest. "If you're trying to look like 1980s American commando, you don't." added Sister. "You look like a 1980s Mexican commando."

"Callarse." shot back Lopez. "Miro impresionante."

"SPARTANS KAIKAINA AND LOPEZ, REPORT TO THE DROP PODS." the intercom blared.

"Race you!" Kaikaina dashed off, much faster than Lopez. The room where ODSTs and Spartans entered their drop pods and were deployed was next door to the armory, good news for Lopez, who decided to bring an M777 S.A.W., the shotgun conversion of the M739 and 30 pounds heavier, despite the fact he was a cargo robot. "Too slow!"

"CALLARSE." reiterated Lopez.

"Hello, SPARTANS!" Kaikaina and Lopez immediately stood up straight, arms at their side. In walked McLeod, with his armor on. "As ye all know, ye are aboot to be dropped in a... hostile area that is very hostile. I know, it sounded redundant, but bear with me. I dinnae want you to return empty handed. I want _you _to return alive and with all of the Spartan-IIs in one piece. **SURVIVAL ISNAE GURANTEED. **At the moment, and for the past few days, this universe has been under seige by various others, thanks to these purple vortexes called spacequakes! They are two-way doorways to other universes, and by sending you through them, we hope that you will find the others! Keep in mind, there are no multiple 'yous', or 'Abe Lincolns'. Everybody is unique, and the timelines of their universes may be drastically different. Keep that in mind. Ok, Spartans, good luck! May the Ginger Empire aid you." The 'Ginger Empire' was actually a gigantic alliance formed by Scotland that controlled all of Europe and part of Africa, and it was around for 300 years.

"Gee, que era muy útil." commened Lopez. He walked into his drop pod that closed its doors.

"Well, I hope I can find some morphine." Sister said, walking into her drop pod. "And Lopez. If you try to kill me again... I _will _rape you."

"Seguro..." facepalmed Lopez. Suddenly, the two remaining members of team Blood Gulch were hurtling through space at 50 kilometers per second. "MIERDA. MIERDA MIERDA MIERDA."

"Wheeeeeeeeee!" Sister's annoying voice rang through Lopez'z transmission system, and it was surprisingly crystal clear. "I love dropping through space!" Suddenly, everything was flashing bright purple and red. A decomposed body smashed into Sister's drop pod, disintegrating into a crimson mist. The light was blocked out by an ocean of bodies, the two drop pods the ice breakers.

The drop pods themselves disintegrated. Sister and Lopez found themselves over a city in ruins. Everything was bathed in a lurid glow, thanks to the sunlight. Their armor systems, using the GPS system, read their location.

Tokyo, Japan.

"MIERDA." uttered Lopez. He _always _spoke in a monotone voice. "ACTIVE LAS BOTAS JETPACK Y COHETES."

"Quick, Lopez! Use your jetpack and rocket boots to slow down and break the fall!" Sister activated said objects, immediately slowing down 4 meters above the ground. Lopez activated them at the very last second, kicking up bathtubs of dust and leaves. "Well, I think the helmets are broken. Everything looks like it's in _Black Lagoon_." Removing her helmet, Sister looked everywhere. "Wow, I feel like I'm in an anime!"

"Silencio." Lopez raised his shotgun-machine gun and turned around 360 degrees.

"Nothing's here." Sister flipped the safety off of her DMR. "Wow, even Dexter isn't this boring." She slowly walked north, weapon raised, as a shadow slipped into the alley behind her. Turning around, she only saw a tumbleweed. "C'mon, Lopez! Time's-a-wating!" Sister started jogging down the street, marveling at the buildings that were partially blown up. Blood was splattered all over the walls and floors, cars were thrown everywhere like Hotwheels, and there would be the occasional limb or two. Sister swore she saw something moving in the alleyways, yet she wasn't quite sure what it was.

"Ok, esto es espeluznante como el infierno." commented Lopez. "Tengo la sensación de no descargarse. ¿Dónde está todo el mundo? ¿Por qué todo parece que está fuera de un anime?"

"I know, Lopez!" smiled Sister. "It feels so cool being in _Black Lagoon!_"

"Dios mío." facepalmed Lopez. A moan cut through the air and worked its way into Sister's ears, then Lopez's sensors. "¿Qué diablos fue eso?"

Sister started shaking. "I-I don't know... the wind?" she said in a tremulous voice.

"Americanos típicos." sighed Lopez. A gunshot from an SR25 rang through the air to the left of Lopez and Sister. Wall fragments flew out of a hole next to Sister.

"We're being fired at!" Sister flipped her DMR to full-auto and waved it in the air, firing it. "YAA TASTE THAT B-TCHES!" A bullet clanged off of Lopez's helmet. That was another feature of the MK. VIII; 60% less damage from firearms, and 30% less damage from plasma-based and energy-based weapons.

"MIERDA." Lopez pinpointed the direction of the gunfire and the angle it hit his helmet. The SR25 sniper was on the tallest hotel. All of his 60 12-gauge slugs were fired at its top floors, shattering windows and ripping through the walls. His S.A.W. had insane range, because the 12-gauge shells he used were more powerful than the normal ones. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a Necromorph-zombie lunged out of the shadows and tried to maul Sister. Her armor, however, was so strong that its blows from its bladed arms didn't knock the dust off of her armor. She effortlessly punched a hole in its face, but it kept attacking. Stomping on its chest and holding it to the floor, she shot off its arms that were trying to rip her open.

"B-TCH!" Sister shouted, stomping on the dead monster. "Tryna sneek up on me. Like a _ninja! _That's some f—ked up sh-t. C'mon, Lopez, let's put these jetpacks and rocket boots to use." Lopez flew to the top of a 10-story department store, where he was fired at _again. _This time, the bullet only removed 5% of his first layer of energy shielding. It was going to take 80 shots from the SR25 (40 to the shields, 40 to the actual armor) to end Lopez.

Zombies, thousands of them, were trying to ramp up to the department store. Sister removed her helmet, rested on the floor, and stuck her head out the ledge, aiming her helmet's visor at herself. "Let me take a selfie!" Making a peace sign with the zombies trying to maul her, she took a picture and put her helmet back on. "Ok, Espano, where do we go next?"

"Sugiero que vayamos a los edificios cada vez más altos, esperando que fuera mochilas propulsoras y propulsores de cohetes para recargar entre edificios." suggested Lopez.

"Nah, going on the streets would be suicide." said Sister. "How about we go to higher buildings?"

"TEAM MOLDY BANANA, REPORT." came a voice over their transmission systems. "I bet you $50 dollars that it works over."

"UNSC Nagato, this is Sergeant Kaikaina Grif." radioed back Sister. "I hear you loud and clear. This is not an imposter, the armor is doing fine over."

"**BOOSH! **You owe me fifty bucks, dude!" the voice returned. "Team Moldy Banana, report your status over."

"A-OK, Nagato." responded Sister. "What's up? If you're wondering, we didn't find the Spartan-IIs yet over."

"Ok... continue with the mission as planned. UNSC Nagato, over and out." The transmission ended.

Sister faced Lopez. "Well, Lopez, it's time to go now!" She took 5 steps back, and ran off the department store and soared over the undead. "I could do this forever!" She flew down the street, just out of reach of the Necromorph-zombies, heading for a shop titled "GUN STORE".

"Dudo que cualquier cosa es el interior." claimed Lopez as Sister touched down in front of the gun store. There was a lone zombie in front of the entrance that quickly got its skull smashed by the solid stock of Sister's DMR.

Kicking open the door, Sister said "Come on, maybe they have some accessories left!" The glass shelves were void of anything, except for one FAB Defense tactical foregrip with a trigger-activated flashlight, an Aimpoint M2 red dot sight, and a set of MBUS front and rear sights, which would come in handy as backup sights should Sister's scope run out of battery. "I call dibs on the front pistol grip and iron sights!" She announced, taking off her DMR's handguard and attaching the foregrip on, then attaching the MBUS sights.

"Genial. Me sale el visor de punto rojo." said Lopez, putting on the Aimpoint M2 RDS.

"Hurry, they're here!" Sister grabbed Lopez forcefully and pulled him outside and flew to the roof of the gun store, moments before they grabbed Lopez. "See? I told you they still had something! Let's go check out the hotel, where we were receiving the gunfire from."

Later...

"This is good, this is bloody AWESOME!" McLeod fistpumped in success, followed by cheers breaking out in the room he was in. The _Nagato _still had their views through Lopez's and Sister's visors, and communication was still established. "Ya hear that, Sergeant Kaikaina?"

"Of course I did." she responded. "We're going to go check out this building that was the source of sniper rife fire earlier, over."

"You have the green." McLeod lolled in his rolly, levitating chair and sipped his coffee. "Be careful, over."

"Ok, over and out." responded Sister. They touched down on the roof of hotel, and Lopez emptied his drum magazine all over the floor and killing anything below him. "Hey, Lopez, what's up with you?"

"Podría haber bandidos en este hotel." was his response as he slapped in a fresh magazine.

"Good point." she responded. Flying up in the air and back on the roof, she smashed through it and turned on her helmet lights that cut through the darkness. Her DMR was raised as she slowly walked through the hotel's hallways. "Lopez, cover my six." she ordered. Lopez jumped through the hole and walked backwards, in Sister's direction. "Man, why does my neck feel itchy?" She scratched at it and felt something cold. Something shimmering in the darkenss. Something...

"Mirar hacia fuera." Lopez said calmly. The blade ripped through the air again and clanged off of Sister's helmet. _Wow, these things are effective! _Mentally remarked Sister. _I can't wait to test out the shoulder missile launchers, rechargeable armor bubble shield, energy riot shield, and best of all, the anti-missile flares!_

Takahi leapt out of the darkness with his Ithaca 37 Riot Shotgun and got it slapped out of his hands by Lopez. "Estupido." muttered Lopez.

"Hey, who are you? Naruto?! OMG I love Naruto! I thought he had yellow hair, though." Sister immediately let down her guard, unaware of what was holding Lopez by the neck. "Can you show me some of your powers? Like, can you do the hadouken thing? Oh, wait, you don't have the hadouken, do you?"

"WHO THE H-LL ARE YOU!" shrieked Takashi, stumbling back. "WHO THE F—K IS NARUTO?!"

Sister turned around. "Lopez, can you _believe _this? They have no idea who Naruto is?!" She looked up at Lopez, who was being held by the neck. "Hey, you! Yeah, you! Why are you up in the air?! Are you trying to Balducci levitate?! Because you're doing it _really _good..." Completely unaware of the Meta, Sister decided to find out how he did it.

"OH. MY. G-D." a monotone voice uttered. "SISTER. YOU ARE NOT DEAD?"

"Who the h-ll said that?!" Sister fired her DMR in the direction of the voice. "Gave me a f—king heart attack! Jeez..."

"IT IS I!" The Meta stepped out of the darkness, releasing Lopez. "THE META."

"Meta? Like Meta Knight?" guessed Sister.

"NO. AGENT MAINE." facepalmed Agent Maine.

"Ooohhhh... yeah! Wait, didn't you die?" she asked suspiciously. "My brother and his friend tied you to a Warthog and pushed you off of a cliff, right?"

Agent Maine took a heroic pose. "YES BUT I SURVIVED B-TCHES!"

"And this person may not." Shizuka emerged from a room, supporting Kohta, who was bleeding profusely from the shoudlers. "You... one of you shot him in the shoulder, and lucky us! We're out of medical supplies." Maybe Lopez's shotgun-machine gun was a little _too _effective.

"HURTS LIKE H-LL!" wailed Kohta. "Oohh MY GOSH! I have never seen a firearm like that before!" Kohta, ignoring his pain, pointed excitedly to Sister's DMR. "It looks like a bullpup DPMS... what is it? And _that! _It has a drum magazine that has 12 gauge shotgun shells for faster reloading!"

"ANYWAYS..." the Meta faced Sister. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD."

"Nah, Lopez here shot me in the chest, instead of the head. Oops, I just gave him an idea, didn't I?"

Aboard the _Nagato..._

"The Meta..." General McLeod was panting in fear, "...is still alive?" He looked once more at Sister's screen, straight into the EVA helmet.

"S-sir? You hair..." one of the informers handed McLeod a mirror, displaying his now-white hair. "...are you really _that _freaked out?"

"Abigail!" McLeod sat back down in his chair. "Of course I am scared. I dinnae expected such an event to happen. _The bloody Meta is still alive! _Of course I'm goin' to lose my mind! In fact, I have already! BUT... notice how he hasnae killed Sister or Lopez yet! And if Spork claims he encountered the Meta, then HE wouldnae be alive!"

Tokyo, Japan...

"So..." Sister looked at him shyly and nervously, "...how's life?"

"TERRIBLE." responded the Meta. "WE still have something to do, however. And that... THING... is to take care of Kohta's wound. By the way, great job Lopez."

Lopez shot the Meta an angry look, despite the fact that he had no face to show him. "Gracias." he said sarcastically. "No es como si tuviera la capacidad mágica de ver quién está disparando a mí. Si no tomé acción, habría sido asesinado."

"But you can't be killed." pointed out Agent Maine through his brainwave reader. "See, this armor you're wearing is pretty tough. Is it MK. VII?"

"No. de la Versión 8." explained Lopez. "Nivel de potencia es de nada que he visto antes. El precio también es similar."

"THAT POWERFUL HUH?!" exclaimed the Meta. "WELL, CAN IT HEAL WOUNDS?!" Sister took out the long list of features the MK. VIII and started listing them off. _Hardlight-plasma riot shield... shoulder missile launchers... biofoam? _Biofoam was a synthetic material that was located in the bodysuit. Its purpose was to fill in wounds like insulation to stop the bleeding, but it required proper medical attention when it was available.

"Ok, I'm gonna rip this f—ker out and spray something in it. It's like insulation...except it helps in clotting wounds. Sounds good?" before Kohta could respond, the slug was yanked out of his shoulder, the equivalent to pouring salt on it.

"MOTHER F—KER!" wailed Kohta. "I didn't even agree to it yet!" Sister took out a can and sprayed the biofoam all over the wound, clotting it instantaneously.

"Luckily, I have morphine!" announced Sister, taking out a syringe and injecting herself. "But I need to test it out first!" She took out another syringe and injected herself again. "Aah... so good..." suddenly, Takashi leapt up and smacked Sister on the back of the head.

"SNAP OUT OF IT AND F—KING GIVE SOME TO KOHTA!" he ordered.

"Jeez, fine... b-tch." grumbled Sister, injecting some of the morphine in Kohta. "Oh, wait... I used that needle... didn't I?"

_Nagato..._

"So..." McLeod announced, "...doesnae Sister have AIDS, HIV, or anything else like that that she could've transferred to this person? GIVE ME HER BLOODY MEDICAL RECORDS NOW!" A manila folder was slapped on his desk in the observation room, which he opened and observed. "HIV... AIDS... herpes? How the bloody h-ll did she get herpes?" He closed the folder. "Ok, good... she doesn't have AIDS or HIV."

"_Yet_." pointed out somebody in the room.

"Let's hope she doesnae, lads!" McLeod swung his feet up on his desk and sipped his coffee. Suddenly, he spewed it all over like Old Faithful, then pointed a shaky finger at the screen. "WHY ZE BLOODY H-LL DOES HE LOOK LIKE THAT?!"

"The helmet's broken?" suggested one of the people in the room. "We're switching to interior helmet view." The view inside the helmets yielded same results. "Apparently, something's up with the cameras or the light spectrum."

"Ah, I'm not surprised." McLeod calmed down instantly. "If there are multiple universes indeed, then it's no surprise of some of them look different than ours. I'm bored. Let's go visit Pluto, shall we?"

"Initiating gravity slingshot." announced one of the ship's pilots. The _Nagato _rose out of the ocean and aligned itself to Jupiter at an angle, casting a shadow over Southeastern Asia. To save time and money, the _Nagato _was going to use Jupiter's gravity and the law of inertia to launch themselves to Pluto in a matter of seconds. "Waiting for Io to orbit out of the direction."

"F waiting." ordered McLeod. "Blow the bloody moon to dust. It's been mined out already, hasn't it?"

"...it's a colony, sir." responded one of the copilots.

"GRAH!" McLeod growled, sitting back in his chair.

4 hours later...

"Io has moved out of the way. Initiating all thrusters." announced the main pilot. McLeod jerked awake just as the _Nagato _fired up its thrusters. The distant noise of its fusion reactors hummed quietly. All of a sudden, Earth disappeared form view and billions of lines of light were flying to the ship. "We're reaching Jupiter in 3. Seconds." The thrusters were turned off, revealing Jupiter and all of its orbiting satellites and scientific labs built into its asteroid ring. The "slingshot" was a success; in 30 seconds, the ice ball that barely classified as a dwarf planet came into view. Since its entire lower lithosphere was composed of frozen crude oil and liquified natural gas, gigantic drills that stretched past its moon were riddled all over its surface.

"Pluto, you sonofab-tch. 300 years and you didn't tell us what lay below your frozen face." mumbled McLeod. In fact, Pluto was so abundant in its oil and gas that it was the only reason a certain person got rich and restored glory to his family.

Marcus D. Rockerfeller. The bloke made so much money he owned Saturn and all of its mineral-rich moons, adding to his fortune.

"LOPEZ! Do you speak English?" suddenly asked McLeod, who was looking out the massive window.

"No abla Ingles." spoke Lopez.

"D-mnit..." McLeod had an idea. "ALRIGHT! Lopez, how would you like to speak Japanese?"

Lopez pleaded, "Si." McLeod took out his laptop with a 100% glass monitor and started clicking away at something.

"Alright, Lopez, say hello!" ordered McLeod, smiling.

"Holinchiwa." greeted Lopez. McLeod facepalmed, thinking _What the h-ll? Spanishese?! JAPNISH?! Something's wrong... _"Watashinonamaeha Ropesudesu. Watashi wa dono yō ni tasukete mo yoi ka? Mi nombre es López. ¿Cómo puedo ayudar?" _OH GOD! LOPEZ SPEAKING JAPANESE SOUNDS LIKE HELL! STOP IT! _Mcleod, typing madly on his laptop and pushing enter, stopped Lopez's Japanese-speaking reign of death.

"Bloody hell..." McLeod fell back in his rolly chair and sighed in relief.

Somewhere unknown...

"Both of their hosts are comparable to the Coast Redwood and Great Sequoia, no?"

"It depends... how are you going to compare them?"

"Let's assume their height is the power of their spirits, and the thickness the hosts' physical power. As you can see, Great Red is the Coast Redwood. His spirit is much more powerful than mine. But I am the Great Sequoia. My host is much more stronger than his, so in the end, our powers are just on par with each other. This is a greater rivalry than the battle of the two Heavenly Dragons."

"Yes... red vs blue sounds more fitting than red vs white."

"This is interesting... it appears that my host used to be enemies with Great Red's. Now, they are allies. I will reestablish their hatred and the war. Their powers are... quite extraordinary."

"How strong are they?"

"I'd say... their powers have the capability of destroying a galaxy. Dreams and illusions versus chaos, destruction and creation... this is going to be exciting."

"D-MN, WOMAN! YOU SERIOUS?!"

"Yes, Vali. I am serious. After all... I am Ophis. The Ouroboros dragon."

Detroit...

_Hint: Great Red's and Ophis's hosts are not Spork and Stratos, even though they are my OC's and would be awesome if they were the hosts._

"So you're saying..." said Master Chief, "...that European mythology is real?"

"Yes." explained Rias. "Issei is the host of one of the Welsh dragons, Ddraig. His rival, Vali, is the host of the English dragon Albion."

"Awesome!" 1337 yelled, mouth full of Doritos. "I knew Thor was real. Maybe I'll get to use his lightning hammer and swing it around the way you do it in_Dead Rising_. But who needs Thor when you have Akeno-San? I'm pretty sure she can kick his A-S!"

"Ara ara ufufufufu... you flatter me!" giggled Akeno.

"Akeno-San can lightning headshot Thor from afar!" 1337 formed an imaginary sniper rifle and shot it. "When he's on the ground, she can go all sadist on his a-s , prod his wounds, and zap him senseless until he breaks his mind!"

"1337-San, I am interested in your form of martial arts." admitted Koneko, who was trying to talk to Gasper hiding in a cardboard box. "Is it Judo?"

"NO!" 1337 jumped on the table and put his hands on his hips. "IT IS THE FALCON! Not the grasshopper, the FALCON! It consists of Falcon punches, Falcon kicks, Falcon b-tch slaps, and even Falcon bullet punches, like Master Ip. It is the awesome form of martial arts, and it is _my _way. Surprisingly effective. But... you'll need a lot of stamina, agility, cat-like reflexes, and power."

"I have all." Koneko stood up, and suddenly, out of nowhere, a pair of white cat ears appeared on her head, in place of her normal ones. Suffering from a heart attack, 1337 stumbled back and off of the table. "Cat-like speed, reflexes, and the power of 10 bears."

"Heck no." corrected Issei. "More like 50."

"Guys! Meta versus Koneko. Who would win?" queried Caboose.

"Well, based on personal experience..." 1337 reclined, drowning in thought. "...I remember a few years back, I was sent on a search expedition to a crashed Frigate with 3 other people. Out of the dirt... I see a twitching, armored hand sticking out! Instinctively reaching down to grab it up, it instead pulled me into the floor as it helped itself up. It was the META! He punched me _so hard _I flew into the Pelican that dropped me off. And then... he killed the rest of my friends with his d-mn bare hands. I remember... one of the guys died when the Meta shoved his hand up the poor fellow's anus, reached up to grab his brain, and ripped it out of his body through his anus. Now I know why his funeral was closed casket."

"That hurts just to think about it." winced Donut.

"And guess what was the worst part about his funeral. The part where they said 'it was a quick and painless death'. Now, getting a hand shoved up your poo hole is _not _quick and painless, especially when he was trying to reach that far." sighed 1337. "The Meta... when I see him, I'm going to Mike Tyson punch him."

"1337-San, who's Mike Tyson?" asked Asia.

"Somebody." answered Grif. "Who punches hard."

Meanwhile...

"McLeod! We have a problem! If it was on a scale of one to ten, ten being the worst, I'd say over nine thousand!" Instantly, McLeod jerked awake and ran up to whoever called him.

"What is it, lad? Did they finally release Quarter-Life 2: Episode 3? Perhaps Quarter-Life 3? OH! Perhaps they finally made Shawshank Redemption 2!" conjectured McLeod. The person facepalmed, and said:

"So... do you know Spartan-007 Spork?"

"H-ll yeah I do. What about him?"

"If you know Spork... did you know he had was supposed to be one of three triplets?"

McLeod, who was drinking his coffee, snorted it out of his nose. "Wait, what lad? Spork has 2 triplet bros and/or sisters and he dinnae tell us this whole time?!"

"Yeah, he had a twin, all right..." said the person, "... but only one baby came out alive. That baby was Spork, and apparently, the other two died of unknown causes while it was only a few days away."

"So!" Guessed McLeod. "You're saying that Spork killed his triplet brother and/or sister... when he was in his mommy's womb? Unless he Mike Tyson punched him/her, I dinnae-"

"General McLeod, you can now stop trying to talk in an American accent. You keep saying 'do not' as 'dinnae', and I'm seeing no signs of improvement."

"Weel, then! How come did yi'll waant tae tell me aboot this anyways?"

The person cupped her ears. "My gosh, sir, nevermind. Anyways... I wanted to tell you this because it turns out Spork is actually on the verge of undergoing a mental breakdown. And by mental breakdown, I mean 'turn into a psychotic psycho'. It turns out he had this ever since he was born, and we do not know why. It's definitely not genetic; nobody in his family has this kind of condition. When we last did a little psychological testing and scanning of him, it turns out he is _literally _inches away from his mental outbreak."

"Hah, sounds like bullsh-t." McLeod removed his helmet and started to drink his Scrumpy. "No, it sounds like soomthin' out of a terribly written FanFiction story, no? How do we know this, anyways?"

The person looked at McLeod. "Well, the Covenant sort of... loaned it to us... and we dismantled it, studied it, and rebuilt it so we could create our own versions. Technology is a wonder, isn't it?"

"ELLEN!" McLeod suddenly shouted, about to be 'drunked up'. "Without technology, Americans wouldnae survive. HOWEVER, technology is good for creating lies, which makes me think all ya sayin' is utter 'nd complete bullsh-t 'nd ya sad excuse to pull Spork out of th' UNSC. Nice try, sistah, but y' can't fool me!"

"What about his medical records?" Ellen pulled out a large manila folder and slammed it on the desk. Opening it, McLeod observed its contents and dropped his bottle of Scrumpy.

"Ellen, what did you say again?"

"I said that Spork has an unstable mind. At any moment, he could lose control over himself and go insane. Try to imagine Doctor Jekyll and Mister Hyde and you can compare Jekyll to Spork. Some psychologists have suggested that his insanity is his dead triplet brother and/or his dead triplet sister, but I personally think that they've been reading too much creepypasta. What do you think?"

"Ellen, for once, ah completely agree with ya, especially th' last one!" claimed McLeod. "Ah think we can agree that it is physically and mentally impossible for something so absurd to happen."

"Oh, ok, well then-"

"What? Did ah say I agree? NO! H-ll no, ah didnae say that!" McLeod jerked awake, then hiccuped. "I think it is impossible for such a machine to exist." Ellen sighed and facepalmed as McLeod stumbled back to his chair and fell asleep as soon as he sat back down on it.

Detroit...

"...and so, I come to a conclusion." announced Grif. "That creepypasta story was the worst one I ever read."

"I know, right?!" agreed Stratos. "It seems like total elephant sh-t that your dead twin is actually, like, you evil and psychotic alter ego! So.. unoriginal!"

"Actually, guys..." spoke up Spork, "...did you know I was supposed to have a twin?"

Everybody looked at him incredulously.

"Yeah... I was supposed to have a twin brother, but my mother pushed out a corpse. When I emerged, I thought I could feel something that wasn't right. Yes, I remember that far back."

"I read once that twins had some sort of telepathic connection. The book claimed that even when they grew separately, they had similar lives. When one twin was in danger, the other could sense something was amiss." said Rias.

"Ehembullsh-tehem." coughed Church.

"Wow, robots can cough?!" Caboose said in awe.

"...my mother planned to name him Frederick. She never told me about him." said Spork.

"Wait... then how do you know about this?" wondered Master Chief.

"Oh... one day I went for a little diving in manila folders. But don't tell anybody." he answered, reclining and crossing his arms. "Although I think having 2 brothers and 4 sisters would be nice, instead of 1 brother and 4 sisters."

Master Chief said, "I'm sorry for your loss."

"Yeah, I get that a lot." Spork looked up. "We could've switched identities... and other stuff... man, I wonder what happened to him." he wondered. "They still live on in my mind, though. They will... forever."

_We do._


	37. The road less traveled

**I took the road less traveled...**

**...AND IT HURT, MAN!**

**Sorry, I just had to share this... oh, yeah, please rate and review! I am also accepting OCs, but NOT Spartan-IIs, demons, fallen angels, and angels (sorry). Spartan-Is, the super-bada-s ones, however, are available.**

* * *

Chapter 37

**This story is kind of losing its... excitement. It was just a normal crossover story until I threw in Red vs. Blue and got introduced to anime. This entire story is a mess, but FEAR NOT! Order ****_will _****be restored.**

_Nagato..._

"...so what happens when Spork goes under his mental instability?" asked McLeod.

"Let's see..." Ellen looked through the manila folder. "...he loses control over himself and who knows what happens next. After a few days of instability, there is a 70% chance of cerebral hemorrhage, a 20% chance of heart attack, and a 9% chance of falling in a coma that he probably won't recover from. So there's a one percent chance of survival if you don't count the various things that can happen to him during the instability." McLeod, who was drinking his Scrumpy, tossed the bottle to his desk and gasped for air. The bottle smashed down on a copilot's computer, shorting it out.

"COME ON!" yelled the copilot. "I WAS HALFWAY THROUGH _KILL LA KILL_ EPISODE 2!"

"Say what NOW?!" Ignoring the copilot, he snatched the manila folder from her, gazing through its contents. "Does the lad even know about this!?"

"No, not yet..."

Detroit...

The entire floor was drenched in blood and covered in a thick, dark red substance. Nobody could be found, and no noise was heard except for the rapid panting of Spork. "H-hello?" He walked around, accompanied only by the squelching noise of the blood he walked on. _Is this what Passion of the Christ was like? _He wondered, looking around for anybody. One operation room was filled with _so much blood _that all he could see was red through its transparent closed doors. For some reason, the ringing in his ears were getting louder. _Much _louder. In fact, Spork was positive they were ready to bleed at any moment. But if he listened closely, it wasn't ringing.

They were voices. Trillions of them.

"Make it stop... make it stop..." Spork clutched his head. The voices were unbearable now.

**Make it stop...**

Detroit...

"WHAT THE H-LL IS GOING ON WITH SPORK!?" Church shouted, motioning to Spork restrained on the bed.

"GODVERD-MNT!" Blu Medic threw his hands down on the table in fury. "HE IZ LOSING HIS MIND! Does he have a mental condition of any kind? Oh? What's that? YOU DON'T KNOW?! SO DO I! Dumkopf." he muttered, turning back to the desk. "Do you know vhat iz going on? NO!? SO DO I! NODOBY DOES! You want answers, go outside and ask _them!_" Blu Medic pointed to the door, reinforced by chairs, tables and heavy crates.

"Don't you think he's.. like... possessed?" suggested Grif. "Here, why don't we try compelling him."

Sarge looked at Grif and slapped him. "No, just because you watched _The Exorcist_, it doesn't make you a real priest. Plus, who knows if he's possessed! WHO THE H-LL CARES ANYMORE?!"

"I know what happened to him." said Isaac Clarke, observing Spork who was just waking up. "Maybe it's exposure to the-"

"No." Cortana interrupted. "I have his medical records here. It says... he has some sort of mental condition that has been with him since he was born. Huh... I never knew that... and neither has he. But that's not our only problem. We need to formulate a plan on just _how _we're getting out of here, find Chief and the others, then escape. Right now, Spork's mental condition is the least of our worries."

A loud CRASH on the door completely woke Spork up. "Heh..." he silently chuckled.

"Spork, I-" said Cortana, but was silenced when Spork snapped his head to the blue hologram in front of him.

"Who's Spork?" As soon as he heard this, Grif took a step back.

"YEP. POSSESSED. Any of you guys have a cross?" He questioned, but regretted his choice when Sarge smacked him again.

"Seriously? He is NOT possessed, dude." snapped William. "Cortana, may I see his medical records?" Cortana formed a holographic manila folder and handed it to William, who opened it. "Ah... I see... yeah, I need two sticks and a cross. We're going all Nonon Jakuzure on his arse now."

"That made no sense..." said Donut flatly, "...whatsoever..." William picked up 2 scalpels, taped them together to form a cross, and slowly approached Spork.

"Hey, may you please hand me that scalpel?" growled (formerly) Spork. He didn't sound like the person he was before at all, with a hint of death in his voice.

"The power... the power of Christ compels you?" William wondered if he did it correctly.

"**HAND ME THE SCALPEL!**" Roared Spork. "**I CAN END THIS QUICKLY! I CAN END MY SUFFERING!**"

"The power of Christ compels you!" shouted William once again.

"**OH DOES IT?!**"

"THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!"

"**WELL, IT'S NOT VERY COMPELLING.**"

In a fury, William tossed the cross away. "There. Out of harm's way. Out of your mind."

"Hah, I'm not sure how much of a mind I have **LEFT!**" One of the restraints snapped. Instinctively, Femscout emerged from the corner of the room and punched Spork square in the nose, knocking him out cold.

"Ohman." Caboose woke up in the corner. "Whahoppent?"

Tucker answered, "For reasons unknown, the so-called 'director' of Detroit called a state of martial law and ordered everybody to evacuate. However, we never got the chance, because one of those purple things opened up, releasing these... things-"

"-They're called Necromorphs." said Isaac Clarke. "Scariest f—king things in the whole universe, right next to Yandere girls."

"-anyways," continued Tucker, "these 'Necromorphs' took over the whole city. We do not know where to go next, and the whereabouts of Frank."

In another part of Detroit...

"G-Guys?" Frank pushed a section of a billboard off of him and looked around. Upper Detroit looked like Godzilla had smashed everything; high rises were completely destroyed, creating a sea of rubble. There was _so much blood _you'd think you were in the Red Sea. "H-hello? Is anybody there?" Up to his knees in rubble and blood, Frank stumbled forwards and made his way to one of the buildings left standing. The sky was no longer black; it was now a blood red color, one color that Frank got used to in the operation room.

An explosion behind him threw Frank 10 meters into the air and down on a fresh corpse that was missing its face. Frank slowly got up with a bloody nose and turned around, fearing the worst. All he saw was a crater that had some purple substance clinging to it and rising off as a gas. Right smack-dab in the middle was what appeared to be a golden throne with the hilt of a sword sticking out of the back rest. Standing on the seat was...

_Yodel ay hee hoo... _Frank's pupils widened by 10 times at the sight in front sitting right in front of him. A pair of purple eyes he could stare into until time collapsed in on itself, dark purple hair that was waist-length (oh, THANK JESUS!), and a gold, purple, and pink princess dress/knight armor combination. On her head sat a purple butterfly hairpin thingy, and finally, the anime appearance. "I-I'm at a loss of words..." he mumbled as she looked up at him, removed the sword, and flew up until she was right in front of Frank. _She's... impossibly beautiful for a 16-year old..._

"H-hellAUGH!" Frank tried to say hello, but found the broadsword pressed up against his neck. "What's y-your name?"

"I have no such thing..."

"...well, hello!" Frank was exponentially increasing his confidence. "I am Frank DuFresne, and I have to say... you look verYEAUGH!" Blood trickled down his neck and stained his purple shirt.

"I think I know why you're here..." she guessed, "...to kill me?"

Frank scoffed. "Does it look like I _want _to kill you? Does it look like I _can _kill you? Of course I can't! I don't want to..." The girl pointed her broadsword and out of it flew a purple wave of energy, collapsing a skyscraper.

"No lies." _Is this girl a spirit? _Wondered Frank, holding his hands up in surrender. _Huh... what's her name? Oh, yeah, Rias told me that I need to make her fall in love with me and kiss her to seal her powers. Let's see... OH I KNOW! I'll start off by complimenting her!_

"Hey, did it hurt?"

"Did what hurt?"

"WWWhhhen you fell from HEAVEN?!" Frank nervously smiled, and was responded with a confused look from the girl, who tilted her head to the side.

"Duck." she ordered.

"W-what?" asked Frank. The girl picked up her broadsword, aimed it at his neck, and swung. Luckily for Frank, his augmentations were still intact. Even though he was a pacifist, he needed the speed, reflexes, and precision to assist others since he was a medic. Ducking the swing, Frank looked up to see the beauty instead decapitate one of the Necromorphs. It stumbled down a small hill of debris, only to get up slowly. Another Necromorph, its lower torso transformed into a sharp tail, got a broadsword stuffed up what was left of its anus, splitting its stomach open and releasing the organs over Frank's head.

"Run." she ordered.

"What? No!" Doc tried to pull her away from the decomposing douches, but she instead held her hand up. Above her formed a spacequake. _YEP definitely a Spirit. _Thought Frank. "H-hey! You don't have to do this! What are you thinking-"

"I will end their suffering." she responded coldly, showing no emotion.

"STOP!" shouted Frank for one of the first times in his life. "You'll only end up killing all of the survivors and yourself as well! Do you _really _know what those things can do?! Here, if you can create these... things... can you just form a shield or something?!" He was forcefully yanked by the ear closer to the girl, who formed a purple bubble field around the two. Fruitlessly swinging at the purple shield, the Necromorphs roared and tried to sink their teeth into Frank and the other delicious spirit.

"Who are you?" she demanded. "Are you here to-"

"No, no, no!" laughed Frank, holding up his hands. "I'm a medic. I do my best to prevent people from dying. Plus, I'm a pacifist. I don't think violence is the best way."

"You just said you have no intention to kill me. Are you just waiting for me to let down my guard so you can dispatch me easier?" asked the girl. Frank welled up a sneeze and stained his sleeve with blood from the absurdity in her questions.

"I'm not like that!" he frowned. "You see, you don't have to cause spacequakes here and there. Killing people is not a nice thing." O_k, understatement of forever. _he thought. "It is an atrocious act, and I want to save you, Tohka! I want to show you there's much more to humanity! They're not just mindless organisms, they're amazing! And I want to show you just amazing we can be!"

"Sounds fair, but... why are you here?" she wondered, not tensing up as much. _What should I call her... Tohka? _Wondered Frank. _Nah, Tohka doesn't really fit her. Neither does Asia. OH COME ON FRANK! Uh... anything but Tohka... hmm... Brittany? Nah. Sophia? NAH! How 'bout... Sarah? Yeah, Sarah fits her!_

"Ok!" Frank stood up proudly and declared, "since you don't have a name, I will have the pleasure of choosing one for you. I dub thee... Sarah. You may rise."

Sarah pressed her fingers together. "I was thinking... Tohka." _...what. _Frank felt like he was about to explode from confusion. _...just how. Oh, well! I may be a step closer to having a GF! Don't care if she's from anime, she looks hot enough! _Sadly, his dreams were mutilated and thrown out the window, all beaten up. Why? Well, Frank could go ask Sarah/Tohka why the purple shield was suddenly fading.

"Uh, Tohka- I mean, Sarah?" Frank looked nervously around him. "W-what's going on?"

"...Frank-San, what's that?" Sarah/Tohka pointed up to the towering necromorph standing in front of the bubble shield. In one swing of its arms, the bubble dissapated, leaving Frank and Sarah/Tohka sitting ducks.

The hospital...

"Ok, here's the plan." reiterated Isaac Clarke. "We grab Spork and run for the nearest elevator. Hopefully, they still work. If they do, great; if they don't, we're fu-ked."

"Gee, zhat sure was inspiring." called Blu Medic from the table. He was attempting to rebuild his medigun with the help of Red Engineer. "We have no weapons to fight them with. Zhe chances of survival is 70%."

"Wait, 70%?" Isaac Clarke looked at what Blu Soldier was holding in his hands; a jury rigged fire hose attached to some gas tank on his back. Various pipes and wires were sticking out of the nozzle and dancing around the hose. "What's that? A flamethrower?"

"NEIN!" shouted Blu Medic, running up to the barricaded door. "WHO IZ NOT READY?!"

"Um... all of us?" guessed Grif. Blu Medic facepalmed and groaned through his fingers. "Ooh, I wonder how a freaking fire hose-fire extinguisher thingy is going to help us. What's that? You found no fire axes? Well, we might as well just stay here and give up. But it's ok. We did out best. Nobody could possibly expect more from us."

Once again, William smacked Grif. "No. We will find a way to distract _them._"

"DISTRACT MY A-S!" complained Grif. Blu Medic and Blu Heavy successfully pushed the barricades out of the sliding door's way. "I DIDN'T EVEN SIGN UP-" William was driven mad by his incessant rants, so he silenced him with a Falcon Punch in the nose, KO'ing Grif. The door slid open, casting the orange light in the dark and bloodstained hallway. Cautiously looking at both sides of the hallway, Blu Medic could not see any movement. He motioned for the others to follow him out into the hallway.

Unluckily, Grif yawned loudly. Screeches in the hallway pervaded through the entire hospital.

"GODVERD-MNT! PICK UP ZHE PACE!" ordered Blu Medic, rounding the corner. Standing right there, smashing two corpses together, was a 9-foot tall Ubermorph; the things were freakin' impossible to kill, no matter what you tried to do to them. The only ways to _legitimately _end them was to crush them by two walls closing in on it, dip it in lava, throw it to the sun, nuke it, or dismember it and scatter the parts a few meters away.

"I think there's an elevator at the end of the hallway." advised Cortana, but was responded by the squelches of running feet. Blu Heavy was dragging Grif along the floor, while Church and Tucker hurriedly rushed Spork, who was on a stretcher. At the front was Femscout, who outran everybody and was the first to reach the elevator. It was on the first floor, and the Ubermorph found them in the hallway.

Suddenly, a door slid down in front of the group. Red Spy poked his head through the window and smiled as the Ubermorph approached him. "Well, it appears my time has come."

"RED SPY OPEN THIS DOOR **NOW**!" ordered Blu Soldier. "I AM **NOT **LEAVING YOU BEHIND!"

"Shut up, American." Red Spy took out a cigarette and lit it. "My leg is still injured. It would've slowed down the group already, and this should buy you some time." Reaching inside his rec tuxedo, he pulled out a photo of Scout's mother.

"YOU SHUT UP AND OPEN THIS DOOR!" Blu Soldier hurriedly looked around for the door's controls as the elevator doors opened. "WE CAN HEAL IT!"

"Nope." uttered Red Spy, smiling as the Ubermorph walked up to him. Looking at the picture in his hands, he closed his eyes.

_Ah, ma petite chou-fleur_

The window was splattered with a dark red substance as the Ubermorph growled and swung its arms down. Sickening splashing noises broke the silence as Isaac Clarke pulled Blu Soldier inside. Femscout was hyperventilating, Red Engie removed his goggles to show eyes of fear, and Blu Heavy just stared at the wall. "We're going to the top floor. That way we can see more of the city and plan our escape route."

"Dude, let it go already." snapped Church. "We won't be able to go on if you keep mourning that guy. We can do that later."

"_How _can ye say somethin' like that to th' person who saved out lives?" Sniffed Demoman, drinking a bottle of whiskey he stole before sh-t hit the fan. "Even though he was a sneaky b-stard, we all miss him already..." The elevator dinged, revealing the deserted roof of the building. Blu Medic walked out to observe upper Detroit. Apparently, half of it gave way and fell all the way down, demolishing most of lower Detroit.

"Quite dystopian for America, no?" remarked Blu Medic. "So, 'Isaac Clarke', vhere do we head next?"

"Going down the 'little', well, not little," Isaac Clarke pointed to upper Detroit's "floor" that was slanted down, "ramp we have over there would be impossible, because of how steep it is. Hmmm... if we try-"

"Can't do anything." said an unknown voice behind the group. "Unless we make it to the side of Detroit and use one of the elevators, we're pretty much screwed." Instantly, the group turned around to face who was looking at them.

"WHO THE H-LL ARE **YOU!**" yelled Isaac Clarke, picking up a brick and using his "kinesis" module to kinesis-toss it at the man's feet, where it shattered to dust.

"Nah, who the h-ll are _YOU!_" insisted the man, taking out a FAMAS-FN F2000 hybrid rifle and aiming it at Isaac Clarke as he used kinesis to pick up another brick off of the wall.

"I ASKED YOU FIRST!" Isaac Clarke aimed the brick at his head. If he launched it, this man would have a gigantic hole in his face. "TELL ME WHO YOU ARE OR THE GIANT HOLE IN YOU HEAD WILL!" Everybody else cautiously walked away from the two, steadying their aim on each other.

Fortunately, the man lowered his rifle. "Adam Jensen." Aiming it back at Isaac, he demanded, "now tell me your name or the 20 spikes sticking out of your chest will." Through Caboose's eyes, Sheila managed to scan the rifle AJ was holding. To be concise, the rifle wasn't a normal one; it fired flechettes, or spikes. That meant it was a freaking automatic spike launcher. It was loaded similarly to a P-90, except that the rifle's entire top receiver lifted up to reveal the place where you inserted the magazine. "And why are you here, huh? Who are all these people?"

"Calm your tits, dude." scoffed Tucker under his breath.

"I am Isaac Clarke. I'm an engineer."

"And would you explain why an engineer would be wearing police armor?"

"No... this isn't police armor. This is an Advanced-variant RIG that helps me in... engineering." Actually, the Advanced RIG was one to be worn by special forces for maximum protection and speed whilst reducing weight and effort it took to move around in it.

"Why are you here?"

"Uh... we're trying to get out of here, so right now we're planning an escape route." explained Church. "Do you, by any chance, know the way out of here that doesn't get us f—ked?"

"Yeah, 'cause I want to see the ending of _Kill La Kill_." added Tucker. "I'm just starting it."

"Huhwha?" Grif slowly woke up and noticed the back of his hair was drenched in blood "Wahoppent?"

"Well, you see..." said Simmons, "we're trying to get out of here. We didn't find the others yet."

"Did you say something about _Kill La Kill?_" he asked. "Oh, yeah I want to see the ending as well!"

Tucker flatly stared at Grif. "You only want to watch it because of chicks fighting each other with oversized scissors, right?"

"Not only that, Nonon Jakuzure and Satsuki Kiryuin." added Grif. As soon as the words _Nonon Jakuzure _reached Spork's ears, he woke up. "I think her English voice actor is a kajillion times better than the Japanese one. It sounds... kind of nasal and makes her seem like an 80 year old woman on a 16 year old girl's body."

"DITTO DUDE!" they both high-fived each other. "_KILL LA KILL _FOR THE WIN!" Donut nodded in agreement. "Although I wish it was actually real. Meeting Nonon in person would make my day, you know?"

Cortana spoke, "Considering how many universes there are, it's not surprising if it actually existed." The words were music to their ears, except maybe for Spork.

**"****I AM NOT SPORK!"** He screamed, and got knocked out by a punch in the nose from Femscout (...seriously, I am not lying. The only reason I have interest in _Kill La Kill _is because of Nonon Jakuzure and her theme).

"What's up with that bloke?" asked Red Sniper, pointing to Spork.

"Mental illness." explained Sheila. "We do not know why he's like this, though."

"LADS?! Oh thank god!" McLeod's voice broke out in Church's transmitter, who turned his speakers up for all to hear. "I cannae believe it, finally, a secure line! I have t' warn you; Spork has a terrible mental condition. Th' chances of him surviving and being the person he was is astronomical. I dinnae-" it suddenly cut off, leaving the group silent.

"Mother of god..." Isaac Clarke looked at Spork. "...what do we do?"

"We can strike a deal with him, if he even wants to listen to us." suggested Cortana. "Also, I sense the presence of another AI here-"

"Deal?" scoffed William. "Look at Spork." Just then, Spork slowly opened his eyes and yawned.

"Oh, man, what's with this headache?" he winced as he tried to rub his head. "Huh? What's going on? Why are we on the roof!? Why did you restrain me?!"

"Long story." cut in Simmons. "Why didn't you tell us about your mental condition?"

_What mental condition? _Wondered Spork.

_Come on, Spork. You know._

"Who said that?" asked Spork. Everybody looked at him suspiciously.

"Said what?" asked Donut.

Spork reiterated, "Who said 'Come on Spork, you know'?"

"None of us did." said Cortana. "Are you hallucinating?" Meanwhile, Isaac Clarke, Blu Soldier, and AJ were forming an escape route.

"So..." Blu Soldier danced his finger around the city, forming an intricate escape plan. "We circle the city and find a way to access lower Detroit, then we get out of here."

"No." insisted Isaac Clarke. "Detroit is a mess. All of Detroit. In fact, lower Detroit is hell."

"I know who created all of this." suddenly spoke up AJ. "Who started these so called 'spacequakes'."

In another part of Detroit...

"Sarah, RUN!" cried Doc. Sarah/Tohka stood up, still wearing her poker face, and swung her sword down its body. For a second, the Ubermorph stood there, just staring at Frank. All of a sudden, it grotesquely split in half lengthwise and revealing what was left of its human organs. The brain crept out like wet oats through its eye sockets and out of its head that was essentially a giant mouth surrounded by 5 eyes. Taking Frank by the hand, Sarah/Tohka flew away from the scene and landed in a deserted district of Detroit; a street surrounded on both sides by tall buildings.

"W-why don't we get to know each other better? You know, so we don't have suspicious about each other?" suggested Frank. "We can go explore, and hopefully, we don't get attacked."

"...hmm... I still don't trust you completely yet... but I guess its worth a try." shrugged Sarah/Tohka. "But try to do harm me, and I _will _kill you. Understand?"

Frank quickly nodded. "H-hey, look at this!" He walked over to a concession stand. Since there was no time to run away and gather supplies, most of the food was still there. Detroit was a ghost city, good news for Tohka and Frank. No bandits would go and try to rob them, and no annoying telemarketers. "Why don't we try some of the food?"

"What's this?" Sarah/Tohka (Ugh... I'll call her by both names, then) asked, pointing through the hardlight window display and at a crescent-shaped...

"Oh, that's a croissant!" Frank slid the concession stand's hardlight door away and picked up the croissant. "It's chocolate-flaked... scrumptious." he handed it to Tohka, who suspiciously took a bite from it. As she munched it with her mouth closed (you should, too), she looked at Frank with a satisfied face.

"From now on, I declare my lunch to be this chocolate croissant." grinned Tohka, shoving the whole thing in her mouth and swallowing it whole in one second.

"You can't have just that for lunch." pointed out Frank. "We still have a bunch of other things to do and eat as well. See? There's a Vietnamese Cuisine restaurant up ahead!"

Later...

So far on the "date", Tohka and Frank visited 4 restaurants, but she was the only one who ate. 4 fried chickens, 6 hamburgers, 6 bowls of Miso Ramen, 4 whole tunas, 10 apples, 3 gallons of assorted drinks, and much more food was what Tohka congested, yet she wasn't showing any signs of obesity, stomach aches, and bad breath. "There food is _SO D-MN GOOD!" _she exclaimed, covering her mouth as she spoke with a mouth full of food. Frank had prepared _all _of the food she ate so far, but it wasn't like he was complaining or anything. In fact, he was enjoying it. Every single part of it.

Frank picked up a holographic map of Detroit he found, scanning through it. "Hey, look, there's an aquarium here! Why don't we visit it next?"

"What's an aquarium?"

"Oh, yeah, I forgot. You're new to human lifestyle, right?"

Sarah nodded. "I just came into existence minutes ago." Frank nearly spat his glass of water all over Tohka.

"Say what?"

"I just sort of... opened my eyes, and here I was."

Frank closed his eyes and shook his head. "You just... popped out of nowhere?"

"Yes. I believe so."

"Anyways..." Frank nervously looked around for any Necromorphs. "...an aquarium is basically an exhibition of various sea life. Mainly fish-"

"What kind?" Tohka immediately perked up in excitement, smiling as she wiped her mouth. "Salt fried?"

"Uh-"

"Grilled? Pan fried? BAKED!?" Her mouth watered as if somebody blew up the dam holding back her salive being generated by her saliva glands.

Frank facepalmed. "You're just listing ways to cook them! An aquarium just displays sea life _that is alive_, so you can get a view of how life under the sea is like." Standing up and wiping his mouth, he opened the door for Tohka. "LLLlllladies first." Tohka walked through and was immediately pounced on by an extremely thin Necromorph. It was basically a skeleton with muscle, razor-sharp claws, and a mouth wide enough to fit her head in. Tohka took out her broadsword and chopped its head off, splashing blood all over the walls.

"D-MN YOU!" shouted Tohka in fury, kicking the corpse strong enough to dismember it. Frank cautiously stood back as Tohka picked it up and threw it at a wall, where it splattered to a sticky, crimson paste. "Baka, baka."

"Eh... why don't we get goin' now?" suggested Frank, chuckling uncertainly. Tohka piped up and walked alongside him, down the road as the red sun set down the horizon.

Somewhere else...

Spork was having the weirdest dream of his life.

For some reason, he kept randomly drifting off to sleep and having gruesome dreams. This one, however, wasn't gruesome at all.

"Spork-Kuuuuunnnnn..." Kurumi sang. Spork turned his head around _so hard _it nearly flew off of his head. "Look what I found..." As soon as Spork saw the object she was holding in her hands, he flew back 20 meters in surprise and it the wall. Turning around, he tried to claw his way through it, ignoring his bleeding fingers. _I'M ONLY 15! STAHP! _Spork screamed in his mind. He even considered _smashing _his head against the wall, so he could see what she was _actually _holding.

Nope. T'was real.

Spork literally smashed his helmet off of his face and threw up blood all over the floor. Ok, maybe he was overreacting a bit. But it was who he was. In Kurumi's hands was a white stick.

With a red plus sign on it.

"Ara ara... can you believe we're parents now?" she giggled. Spork nearly gouged his eyes out. The only reason he was freaking out because he wouldn't know what to tell his parents first: that he was actually still alive (when he was kidnapped by the UNSC, he was presumed dead), or that they were now grandparents. _Wait, WHAT DID SHE SAY!? __**DID I SAY I'M ONLY 15!? WHAT THE FUUU- **_All of a sudden, a folding chair rose out of the ground and smacked Spork square in the face.

"...DUDE! WAKE THE H-LL UP!" Waking up with blood gushing from his nose, Spork slowly opened his eyes once again.

Meanwhile...

"Spork's claymore is cursed."

"Wait, what? Did you say... it was cursed? Is it, like, sentient?"

"...are you deaf, or just plain stupid? Yes, I said Spork's claymore is cursed, and YES, it is sentient."

"...so... so what?"

"When it is cursed and he touches it... that means he LOSES IT, FOOL!"

"Ok, ok, jeez! No need to get your tits in a tie! So... so you're saying... whenever he touches that one thousand year old claymore that, for some reason, still works-"

"-BECAUSE IT'S CURSED! Whenever a sword is cursed, it has infinite durability."

"-as I was saying, so whenever he touches that claymore, he goes insane again? How come he keeps saying he isn't Spork, then?"

"He doesn't go insane. He's possessed whenever he touches it, so he is no longer Spork. Mentally speaking, of course. He is a completely different person. We just don't know who it is yet. Most likely, it's a dead person. We can use this to a severe advantage!"

"Like when he's forced to hand over his weapons, he can touch his claymore and go all apesh-t on them!"

"For once, you actually had a good idea."

"..."

"What?"

"...there's a catch, isn't there?"

"Well, of course. The catch is that the claymore is the only weapon he can use. It's just that whoever is possessing him prefers to use it for reasons unknown to us."

"How do you know all of this, anyways?"

"DON'T QUESTION YOUR SUPERIOR, SUBORDINATE! Anyways, just for a little proof of everything I just said, I'm going to... spice this up a little bit. Just watch and learn, young one. Just watch... and learn. Heh... I'm going to have fun with this."

Meanwhile...

"This is bu-hu-hullsh-t!" whined Tucker, leaning against the wall. "I want to go home! Why is this happening?!"

"What insane bull crap is going to happen next!?" complained 1337, hitting his head on the floor. Suddenly, Blu Soldier slapped the back of 1337's head. "Hey, dude! What the heck was that for-"

"BE QUIET!" Barked Blu Soldier. "We just met each other. H-ll, we may never get to know each other very well. But what matters... is that we PERSIST! We can't give up! Not just yet! It's never over... 'TILL IT'S OVAH!" A miniature, purple vortex erupted behind Blu Soldier, sending him smacking into Adam Jensen. The physics of time and space were ignored by this horse-size phenomena as a person walked through it...

Spork spat out a long stream of blood in surprise from what he laid his very eyes on. "MMPPPHHHTTTT!" He choked out, smacking himself in the face to ensure he wasn't hallucinating. "N-Nui Harame! GUYS! DONUT! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS!?" Blood streaming from his nose, eyes, mouth, and ears, he grabbed Donut and started shaking him. "**THE PROPHECIES ARE TRUE! **_**KILL LA KILL**_**IS REAL! IT ACTUALLY EXISTS! That means... NONON! Nonon Jakuzure, **where are you!?"

Tucker leapt up and smacked Spork. "NO, ignoramus! Don't you remember!? She tried to kill Ryuko!" Shaking Spork as he shook Donut, Tucker clarified, "WHY ELSE WOULD SHE BE HERE!?"

"Cosplay?" suggested Grif. Nui revealed what she was hiding behind her back; the purple rubber and plastic handle twirled around her hands as she danced around, twirling the purple blade in the air as the sunlight flickered off of its metal blade. Spork, Tucker, Grif, and Donut all stumbled back in fear. Grif pointed a lone finger at Nui and screamed, "YYYEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!" Tucker leaned over the edge of the roof and threw up the last meal he ate, coughing out the last drops of regurgitation.

"Wait, where's Ryoku?" Spork looked around him frantically. "She owned Nui, correct? Or was that Satsuki?! Come on, WHERE ARE YOU!? We need you, dude! I mean... dudet! Uh, guys, do we have any weapons?" Adam Jensen raised his rifle and popped a cap in Nui's behind (well, not literally), then popped 19 more. Isaac Clarke used his kinesis to pick up 5 bricks and shove it down her throat, but to no avail. "Oh, yeah, guys..." warned Spork, "...I forgot to tell you, she's really good with that thing."

"Now, **GET US OUT OF HERE!**" screeched Grif, shaking Isaac Clarke as Nui approached Spork. In a few seconds, his head was most likely going to be rolling on the floor like a bowling ball.

Demoman, however, still had a certain claymore he picked up in the hallway, straight from the hands of a mutilated and decomposed mall ninja. Throwing it straight at Nui, trying to stab her, the handle clocked Spork right in his nose and KO'ed him once again, giving him a bloody nose. However, he slowly opened his eyes and got up, clutching the claymore. "Hey... HEY! Snap outta it, lad! I dinnae recall you being drunk-" protested Demoman, but was silenced when Spork held up his hand, still facing Nui.

"What's her name..." William tried to remember. "...oh, yeah, AKENO! Where the h-ll is Akeno!?"

"Akeno will not be necessary." said Spork. For some reason, he sounded different as he held his claymore with both hands, his left hand below his right hand as he positioned the large sword on his right, the same way one would hold a katana. "So, Nui, you want to take me on?"

"Hai!" was her response.

Spork evilly smiled. "HhhhhhhHHHHHALRIGHT, B-TCH! YOU ASKED FOR IT!"

"Spork-" Caboose tried to say something, but was cut off.

"FOR THE LAST TIME, **I'M NOT SPORK, G-DD-MNIT!**"

"...you go first!" insisted Nui.

"No, I insist." grinned whoever this person was, then bowed. "After you."

Shiela asked a question. "What do you prefer to be called, then?"

"...from this day forwards..." he pointed his claymore at Nui. "...you shall refer to me... AS KNIGHT! 700! **FOON!**"

…...

Tucker and Grif looked at each other, then bust out laughing uncontrollably. _Kight-700 Foon? So is he, like, the opposite of Spartan-007 Spork or something?! _"Or... you may call me Frederick. That's my real name. Unlike Spork... I am _much _better at wielding this nice sword. Oh, yeah... don't expect Spork to be back anytime soon." declared Foon. Grif's eyes broke from widening in surprise as he spat out a long stream of blood from his mouth and nose.

"Wasn't Spork's dead twin... Frederick?" asked Stratos for closure.

"Ehem**BULLSH-T**ehem." coughed Stratos. "..I mean, how is that possible? Your dead twin is your freaking evil self!? Complete and utter BULLSH-T! I am positive that if _all of this _was a story, it would suck."

"No, it would rock! And I prefer swordfights with music." Smiled Foon, waving his claymore in the air. "YOU! Isaac Clarke, correct? Does that suit of yours play music? Would you kindly please play the _William Overture Finale_? The LONE RANGER ONE?! And not the Quentin Tarantino one?" Isaac Clarke started tapping the holographic buttons on his wrist console, and music started blurting from it. It wasn't _William Overture Finale: _it was some random pop song.

"My bad." said Isaac Clarke, tapping madly on his wrist console, and when Nui was distracted, used the same hand to kinesis toss a brick straight at her face, which she effortlessly dodged. "Alright, here you go. Good luck and GET US OUT OF HERE!."

"I'll hold her off while you fellows escape! Oh, yeah, I'll catch up later." Foon took his claymore and swung it at Nui as if it was one of those fencing swords. "Come at me, Nui-Chan! If Ryuko can't kill you, I'll save her time and effort by killing you! EN GARDE, B-TCH!" He lunged at Nui, and walked her to the edge of the building as they swung at each other with one hand. Nui was smiling the whole time casually, but Foon was trying to intimidate her with his rape grin.

"We have to help him-" protested Femscout, but was grabbed by the wrist by Blu Soldier, who opened the elevator door and led everybody inside. Fortunately, it was pretty large; large enough to fit everybody with room to spare. Isaac Clarke took the speaker off of his armor plating and left it on the floor as Foon swung at Nui 5 times per second, then 10 times, 15 times, and finally, 20 times per second, which is pretty fast. The elevator doors closed just as Grif slipped through, and with a _ding, _the elevator zoomed down.

"Well, I recall in the anime, you weren't this quiet." Foon easily ducked a scissor blade swing by the crazed girl. "Parry, parry, thrust, thrust, goooooooOOOOOOD!" He exclaimed, parrying twice, thrusting twice, and finishing it off with a barrage of swings, showering Nui and Foon in sparks. Both hands of the claymore were grabbed as Foon swung down, attempting to split her in half like a banana split, then watch as her banana-colored hair spread across the floor with her blood. Nui evaded it with ease, but not fast enough. "GOTCHA, MOTHERF-CKER!" screamed Foon as the large sword cleaved right through her right shoulder, dismembering her right arm. Claymores are, like, for decapitating freaking horses and cut right through the thickest bone, tendons, muscles, and rip through flesh, so it looked like Nui's arm was blown off by a mine as blood splattered out of it like a fire hose. "No doctor will sew you after you get hit by this baby." The claymore's sharp blade had tasted the blood of Nui, and it wanted more. "So, do you want to die of blood loss or die a quick and painful way?" Foon menacingly raised his claymore, ready to bring it down on her neck at any moment.

"Ara, ara." Nui grabbed her purple scissor blade and thrust it through Foon before he had the time to react. Blood was thrown out of his mouth and splattered all over Nui as she smiled happily, ignoring her missing right arm. "No, I think I should be asking you that question. She walked up, driving the blade deeper through Foon's chest. "You shoul-"

**BLAM**

Brains were splattered all over Foon's face as Nui's head imploded on itself like a supernova. Her eyes flew up into the air, and the blood blocked out the sun for a little bit. Slumping to the floor in a slowly expanding pool of blood, missing sections of her head and neck, Foon looked to the left, on top of the elevator building to see who was standing there. "Heh... too late, darling..." Foon bent over and vomited blood all over Nui's corpse like there was no tomorrow, then slumped to the floor, fainting of blood loss.

"I'll be taking this." announced Kurumi, tossing the claymore over the edge of the building. "And I shall see you later, Spork-Kun." She disappeared with a gust of wind, leaving Foon alone to die.

Meanwhile...

_Ding!_

"Seriously, who brings 3 assault rifles with them!?" whispered Isaac Clarke to Adam Jensen, who put a fresh clip in his flechette rifle. The lobby was _literally _crawling with hundreds of necromorphs, yet they were all unaware of their presence. Reloading his plasma cutter, Isaac Clarke looked at AJ, who handed a flechette rifle to Caboose and Grif.

"Remember, fellows..." warned Adam Jensen. "...no Russian."

"Wait, why?" asked Grif.

"NO RUSSIAN, GODD-MNIT!" shushed Adam Jensen. "Don't speak Russian; police operatives have been given the order to shoot all Russians (for some reason), dead or alive, and 'no rushin'."

Grif nodded and accidentally whispered, "Da."

"SSHHHH!" chastised Caboose loudly. "NO RUSSIAN!" The necromorphs all turned their head to the elevator full of fresh meat. Adam Jensen cursed under his breath, unleashing the torrent of metal spikes from his flechette rifle. Grif followed a same action, while Isaac Clarke gave support fire by using his kinesis toss to throw the bladed arms at any approaching necromorphs. Caboose was going rambo; his flechette rifle had a foregrip and an extended, 100 round mag, so he held it near his hip and let loose.

"Caboose, you idiot." facepalmed Simmons.

Meanwhile... 5 floors above the lobby...

A solid titanium-a quarantine door exploded and smashed through the wall while it was still crackling with electricity. Into the hallway stepped Akeno, a solid spear of lightning in both hands, ready to go flying through the air like eagles on meth at a moment's notice. "Ok... the hallway's void of activity. What's your codename again?"

"...Master Chief. Or John-117. Spartan-117 is also a suitable name."

"Ok, Master Chief, right behind me." said Akeno. _I wonder how Tucker would respond._ as she cautiously walked out into the hallway, followed by Master Chief and Rias. "Here's the plan; we head for the elevator. Are we all here? Roll call?"

"Yep, we're all here." said Agent Washington. He, too, was 16, along with 1337. "The Arbiter's here, but the others are not, including that one girl. What's her name again...? Oh, well. It's good to see you and your friends are, though."

"Be quiet." snapped Xenovia, hand on her blue and gold broadsword. "They can perceive our every move, so we have to stay under their radar. We will move like the zephyr." She was the last to move out of the bloody operation room they were trapped in. "The others must be nearby." 1337 accidentally stepped on a fresh corpse, sending a _squelch _through the hallway. In the distance, roars of hunger were heard. Rias hurled a crimson bolt of destruction in the same direction, and after a deafening boom, all was silent.

"What the h-ll?" Akeno reached the elevator, to find they were all at the same level and open, with flickering lights that displayed the blood-coated interiors of the elevators. "Ara ara, you can never seem to trust elevators, can you?" A necromorph in the left elevator lunged out but was evaporated when Akeno hurled a ball of lightning at it. All of the commotion alerted all of the necromorphs in the same level, proven by the sound of breaking vents in the hallways. "C'mon, guys, HAUL IT!" She ordered, literally shoving Soap in as the elevator doors closed. Asia accidentally slipped on a puddle of blood and smashed her head on the floor, KO'ing her instantly.

"That... wasclose..." panted Soap. Before the infestation, Soap was in the middle of an operation, so all they could do was remove the shrapnel and hastily staple him back up. As a result, he was in unreal amounts of pain. All of a sudden, the elevator's ventilation shaft shattered as a necromorph swung down from the ceiling and stabbed Soap square in the middle of the chest. Kiba avenged him by chopping the undead ucler in two, and finishing it off with a stomp as the elevator's interior was painted with _more _blood.

"ASIA! Asia-Chan, wake up!" pleaded Haruhi, shaking Asia as if she was a monkey on acid. Blood was showered everywhere like an automatic sprinkler system as Soap slumped to the floor, obviously dead before he fell face fist on the floor. "S-Soap-San?"

"Yeah... about that..." nervously said Agent Washington, "...we barely knew him, but he sure as heck was a great babysitter. You should be proud of him, Haruhi." His last words were drowned out by sobs equivalent to those of a banshee, and it scared the living tar out of him as if you woke up in the middle of the night to see SUICIDE SQUIDWARD STANDING IN YOUR DOORWAY.

Only a few minutes had passed, and they were losing their friends as fast as the 21st US Government gained debt.

In another part of Detroit...

"Frank-San, what's this?" Tohka pressed her face up to the glass display of an arcade, with machines ranging from a claw-grabber thing to one of those extremely advanced virtual reality machines that had Counter-Strike: Triple Threat on it.

"Uh... that's an arcade! Want to try it out?" Frank cautiously walked inside and accidentally stepped on a head, crushing it instantaneously. "Eugh! Ugh, ew! Jeez, I just got this shoe from the hospital!" He held open the door and kicked the head aside as Sarah ran inside and stared at one of the claw grabbers, right at one of its prizes; a 4-foot long bread plushy. Luckily for Frank, he found a wallet in the dismembered torso of a corpse, but it had only one quarter. "Ok, Sarah, we have only one shot at this. I'll control the claw, and when I say _now, _I want you to mash this button, ok?"

"Ok!" Tohka nodded, eyes still on the bread plushy as she moved her fingers over the red button. Frank inserted a quarter, and luckily, its speaker's wires were all cut, so no noise was made as Frank controlled the claw.

"MASH IT! MASH IT NOW!" shouted Frank, hoping that this wasn't one of the rigged machines. Tohka pressed the button, and the claw lowered, firmly grabbed the plushy, but malfunctioned and went straight for the window. The claw smashed through the pane of glass and into Frank, knocking his glasses off and giving him a heartwarming gift; a genuine, one-of-a-kind bloody nose. Luckily, they had the bread plushy now. Tohka picked it up and started rolling on the floor, hugging and attempting to bite it at the same time. "Ow... Sarah... we did it... ough..." Plugging his nose with his thumb and index finger, Doc slowly stood up. "High five!"

Sarah stood up and tilted her head. "What's that?"

"Ehh... slap my hand." clarified Frank. Tohka was unusually powerful as she was pretty; Frank's hand was broken after the high-5 commenced. "Owowowoowowowowowooooooow!" he cried, cradling his hand. "OOOOOWWWWWWW! Oh, man, Tohka- er... Sarah, I don't think anybody would want to mess with you.. OUGH!" Tohka just picked up her bread plushy and pulled Frank outside by the collar.

"Frank-San, this is _so much fun!_" She smiled madly. "Where's the aquarium again- oh, wait, what? What's that?" Frank nearly fell over the 400-story cliff, but luckily, Sarah held onto his purple and white shirt while digging her feet into the floor. "Where's the aquarium?"

Frank fell back on his behind, but ignored the pain shooting up his back as he looked down the ledge. It appeared as if the aquarium had fallen along with half of Detroit. Glass was everywhere, and there was _so much blood _you would think Michael Buble cried himself a river... of blood. There was a giant blue whale, barely alive as it attempted to inhale and exhale. "Ho my gosh! Uh... Sarah... it appears as if the aquarium... crashed...?" The whale let out a bloodcurdling wail of pain, its last one. Instead of water, its intestines, organs, and blood spouted out of its blowhole as necromorphs converged in on it. Fresh meat, carloads of it, was available. Tohka had _no reaction _at all, but Frank scrambled back, yelping out in surprise.

The sun was setting, leaving Sarah and Frank alone on the ledge as they looked out into the distance for a few minutes.

"So... uh... that was fun." shrugged Doc, out of things to say.

Sarah looked at him nervously, then at the floor as she pushed her index fingers together. "I liked it... what do humans call this again?" _Huh, I thought you are one too. _Remarked Doc in his mind. _What are you again... oh, yeah, a Spirit! In the form of a human, so I have the right to call you a human._ "Uh, Frank-San?"

"Huh? What?" A robber pulled him into an alley, right out of memory lane and beat the sense back into him, then force fed it to him. "Oh, yeah! We call this... a... date...?" Nervousness was spreading through his mind like cancer on meth.

"...and how do you finish off a date?" she asked.

"We didn't do much, really. Oh, yeah, dates are finished off by a..." Frank looked into the sunset and sighed, wondering how Sarah was going to react. "...uh... a...

…...kiss..."

Tohka tilted her head, confusingly. "How do you kiss somebody?" Frank threw up a little blood in his mouth, purely from anxiety. Never before in his life has he been so close to a girl, other than his mother and sisters. His face turned beet red (mine would be as red as blood, and I would probably faint).

"...well, you look at each other in the eyes and, uh, press your... lips... against each others'-" An invisible force pulled Frank straight to Sarah, nearly tripping over a section of concrete. The next 15 seconds of Frank's life were no doubt his best. _H-her lips... THEY'RE LIKE MARSHMALLOWS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!_

"Mmh... ah..." These sounds emitted by Sarah were driving Frank crazy. "Haah... hahh..." (Seriously, why do women have to moan when they're kissed? In movies? I see a TREND!)

_**THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!**_

Meanwhile...

"See?!TOLD YA SO! That claymore is friggin' cursed!"

"...ok... so?"

"SO HE'S SCREWED! That girl had to throw it over the edge. She _HAD _to!"

"Frank, c'mon! There's a hotel over there! Just lead Tohka in, find a room, and-"

**SMACK**

"THE H-LL WAS THAT FOR!?"

"I will not tolerate pervertedness."

"HEY! A guy has his needs-"

**SMASH**

"Well, control those needs! Shove 'em in a can and screw it shut, duct-tape it, staple it, lock it up and incinerate the key! Next, throw it in a safe and destroy the key! Throw it in _another _safe, and lock _that _one up. After that, encase it in cement and concrete, and lock it up with an over 9000-character password, anti-everything BANK VAULT!"

"Frank's so lucky!"

"SHUT THE H-LL UP! They have hotter at HQ-"

"Nnnno they don't! The receptionist is fat, the nurses are fat, YOU are fat-

**BLAM**

"The h-ll did ya say? Say that again. I dare you, I double dare you, you mother f-ker, say that again one more godd-mn time. SAYIT! **SAY IT!**" A rolly chair was thrown out the window. "**SAY MOTHERF—KING IT! **Oh, you are DEAD. Not big surprise. A-shole..."

However...

"Nice shot." Tucker observed a necromorph with a spike through each of its eyes. "Church couldn'tOW!"

"What did you say!?" hissed Church, holding his ear.

Grif seemed calm. "Ok, now, **GET US OUT OF HERE!**" he screamed, kicking open the lobby's doors and running through them. Behind him, the other elevator opened with a _ding_, followed by its doors flying off with a touch of electricity. Bending down, Grif picked up a shiny penny while a razor-sharp door grazed his hair.

"Ara ara- the h-ll?" Akeno accidentally stepped into a corpse, squelching blood all over her high-top shoe.

"Oh, thank GOD you're still alive!" Stratos ran up to Akeno and hugged her tightly. "Hey, Chief! What's up!? Don't feel good without your armor? Can't hack it with that... operation gown? Hey, I have an idea! Why don't we all go raid A&amp;F- HEY, where the **H-LL **is SPORK!? He said he was going to catch up, right!? SPORK! Oh, Spooooork! **SPORK! **Where the f—k are you!?"

"16 year olds shouldn't know such vulgar language." facepalmed Master Chief. Isaac Clarke ran up to him and shared a PewDiePie brofist. "Isaac Clarke. Good to see you're still in one piece. Where's Steve and Doc? And most importantly, where is Cortana? Samus? The others-"

"Listen, Chief, I have no idea. But please listen. If you haven't noticed already, we need to move. _NOW._" Isaac Clarke turned around to leave but ran straight into Issei, giving him a bloody nose. "Whoops, sorry dude. HEY! **EVERYBODY! **We need to move, NOW!" Rias was grabbed behind by a decomposing hand from a necromorph, hiding the other half of its body in the elevator as it closed its doors. She freed herself with ease from its grasp and kicked its head through the two closing doors, squishing it like a grape.

"Prez! Oh my gosh, PREZ! Are you all right!?" cried Issei, brushing the dead flakes of skin belonging to the arm off of her shoulder.

"Yes, thank you, Issei-Kun." all of a sudden, the ventilation shaft right next to Rias exploded as a thin necromorph tried to drag its other arm through the hole.

"HO SH-T!" Isaac Clarke shoved Rias and Issei out of the way, then picked up the ventilation cover and smashed it at the necromorph's head. It went right through its skull, giving it a new necklace. Koneko, who was standing next to a window, picked up Simmons and threw him out, then picked up Haruhi and jumped through the opening. William and Donut both ran out the door, succeeded by Xenovia and Kiba. Rias, with the help of her destructive powers, blew a hole in the wall as Issei jumped through , left, right, behind, above, and even _below _were pouring out of the vents, trying to claw at anybody who ran by.

"CABOOSE! Hurry UP! We don't have forever, you know!" yelled 1337, kicking back a necromorph in the face.

"I can't." was his reply. For some reason, it sounded... gurgly.

"YES, YOU CAN!" 1337 turned around to face Caboose, but was frozen when he saw the bladed arm poking through his chest. Blood was dripping out of his mouth and the wound.

"**CABOOSE!**" screamed Nicole.


	38. The Defense of New Warsaw

Chapter 38

"McLeod, I think you want to have a look at this." An image was slapped down on his desk, followed by McLeod spitting out a mouthful of Scrumpy back in his bottle, surprisingly accurate. "As you can see, there are 4 objects, 3 humanoid and one tank-thingy, heading straight for New Poland's capital-"

"WHY YE DINNAE TELL ME EARLIER!?" McLeod screamed, grabbing the informer by the throat. "EVACUATE NEW POLAND'S CAPITAL! NOW! Also, I want 1,000 Spartan-IIs, 800 with VK5Bs, 190 with rocket launchers, and 10 with the biggest, most powerful sniper rifles! All of them on the roofs, facing these four blokes! They think they can defeat me!? Well, I'll shove the truth up every single one of their sorry a-ses!" McLeod, although he was a professional drunkard (Scottish...) and had a mild addiction to anime (that would sometimes distract him), was also a professional General and strategist. His battle records show that he has lost nobody under his command and won every single battle with no costs on his side. If you sent in 1,000 Spartans under his command to conquer Russia, armed with only rifles and basic gear, he would return victorious with 1,000 Spartans in 10 months, none missing at any point, none injured in any way, and none brainwashed. Now imagine what he could accomplish with an army of hundreds of thousands, then millions.

Later...

"Sorry, sir. Comin' right through. Eeeeexcuse me!" A Spartan-III was walking by along the roof of a car parking garage (those massive ones), holding a Denel NTW-20, which is powerful enough to kill blue whales. McLeod's pelican landed on the same roof, and he walked out, holding his custom VK5B that was black on the top half and tan on the bottom half. It had a Quick Shot 1x33 red dot sight with a 3X magnifier behind it on the top, with backup MBUS sights attached. On both sides of the handguard were covers, but on the underside, he had an underbarrel rocket launcher that looked like a normal grenade launcher. On the left and right sides of the ACTUAL barrel were two bayonets. McLeod called it his "trident of doom". Some of it was a bit unnecessary, but hey, it looked cool.

"You call that a big sniper rifle, lad!?" McLeod shoved an M67 recoil-less, anti-air, shoulder-mount rifle into his hands. "Here, take this. It's 70mm wider in diameter and has no recoil. Loud as hell, though."

"Thank you, sir." The soldier unfolded its bipod and scanned the landscape through its scope. New Poland's capital, the bustling city of New Warsaw, was 100% evacuated. "Sir-"

"Drop the 'sir', lieutenant." commanded McLeod.

"Very well, sir. Anyways, I have detected.. _lots _of movement, directly ahead of us, thanks to the help of my trusty infrared scanner. And... it's not just the 4 subjects we saw approaching New Warsaw. It turns out they're accompanied by an army, or something equivalent of an army. That means... these snipers will be useful only for the four targets, and they are _much _larger than individual humans." reported LT. "I advise we-"

"CONTACT!" Screamed one of the Spartan-IV's, pulling the charging handle back on his VK5B and accidentally ejecting a round already in the chamber. "Oops, my bad!" He picked it up and put it back in his magazine, then re-inserted it in his gun. "Do we have permission to open fire, General McLeod?"

"NAY!" yelled McLeod, raising his rifle. "**DON'T FIRE UNTIL YOU SEE THE WHITES OF THEIR EYES! **Oh, yeah, don't fire at them unless they start attacking us first."

LT spoke up. "I believe the correct terminology is 'sclera'."

"Can it, LT! Now's not the time for human anatomy class!" ordered McLeod. All of a sudden, the William Overture (original, which isn't as awesome as the _Lone Ranger _one) Finale started to blare through the air. Out of the fog that rose all the way up to the gray sky was a gigantic, pink tank with 2 treads that was shaped more like a rectanglular prism with a heart for the "face". Out of its sides stuck out missile racks jammed with flutes the same size as normal missiles, and accompanying the tank was a 3-meter tall, black and orange mech, and another green mech with a yellow visor, also about the same size. It had dual miniguns on its shoulders and one on each of its forearm. Thousands of highschool students were advancing forwards with the 4 targets, the last one being some bloke with a teal, bowl haircut and blue-lensed glasses.

A missile the shape of a flute was fired from the gigantic, pink vehicle and soared over McLeod's head. The intro of the WOF was finally over.

"**FIRE!**" shrieked McLeod. The gunfire filled the air, both from the Spartans and the highschool students, who were armed with M14s, FN FALs, G3s, and SCAR-MK. 20s. Aiming up, shooting, and trying to take cover simultaneously was a challenge, though, so McLeod made the right choice. LT fired a 90mm slug at one of the highschool students to test out his M67's power. The instant the slug touched his head, his body exploded into a red mist, showering nearby students in guts and organs. But since the M67 was a one-shot, LT spent a lot of time opening it and placing a new slug in.

The black and orange mech aimed its arm at LT, and out shot hundreds of linen-like vines, all covered in barbed wire. LT dodged the vines as they cut through the infrastructure of the car garage. Or at least the mech _tried _to destroy them. They got entangled and stuck, leaving a perfect opportunity for one of the "rocketeers" to fire a rocket at its head. It just... exploded. "One down, a thousand more to go!" she proudly announced, reloading her rocket launcher.

Next up was the green mech. It turns out the things mounted on its shoulders were _not _miniguns, rather katana launchers. "KATANA LAUNCHERS!?" screeched the rocketeer as a katana nearly decapitated her. "WHAAAT!?" She fired a rocket at it, but it was seemingly unaffected.

"Stand back sister!" insisted a green and purple Spartan-IV, who had a jetpack mounted on his back and dual energy swords. "If he wants a swordfight, he has one riiiiight HERE!" He jumped off the ledge, dodging the grand bullet exchange with ease as he headed straight for the green mech. It attempted to decapitate him with its oversized katana, but he blocked it effortlessly, as if it was nothing. "PARRY PARRY THRUST THRUST EXCELLENT!" He grinned, parrying the swings, thrusting twice at its massive, tree-trunk like arms, and finishing it off with an ultimate swing to the visor.

He flew back, victorious. However, the highschoolers only suffered from 100 casualties so far, with 300 injured. "AIM BETTER, LADS!" ordered McLeod. "They're in no hurry, so why should YOU be in one!?" swinging his VK5B like a sword whilst holding the trigger down, he mowed down 62 highschoolers who were attempting to fire at LT. An entire line of Spartan-IIIs all unleashed their rocket launchers and watched in awe as they struck the pink vehicle... AND AS IT EMERGED WITH NO DAMAGE!

"Oh, so you want to take the fight to the same level?" asked a voice from the tank. For some reason, it sounded dangerously familiar to some of the Spartans who watched anime. All of a sudden, the tank turned its treads so the "wheels" faced straight down and morphed into thrusters as wings extended from the tank's side. In less than 10 seconds, the gigantic, pink vehicle was at the same height as the Spartans as it blared the WOF. "Very well!" It unleased a freaking overkill barrage of 500 flute missiles, and opened fire with its pink laser miniguns.

"STAND BACK!" yelled a Spartan-IV, holding a minigun. "I GOT THIS!" He fired it at the missiles, and with only 500 7.62x51mm bullets, he downed all of the missiles in 20 seconds. "See? Told ya soAAAAAUUUGGGHHHH!" A laser struck him on the thigh, blowing out a good chunk of muscle. McLeod's record of nobody being hurt on missions was now lost. "B-TCH, TAKE THIIIS!" Still standing despite most of his right leg was missing, he unleashed a metal storm aimed right at the pink tank-thing. Guess what? It had no effect. "MCLEOD! Gimme a mirror! A LARGE ONE!" A pelican flew down and gave a parabolic, prism shield to the Spartan as 2 other supported him. He aimed the parabola at the pink tank-thing, just as it unleashed a gigantic, pink beam of energy at the 3 Spartans. Since a laser is just light (with a lot of power), It refracted off of the prism shield into a rainbow as it stuck the pink tank-thing. "**TASTE THE RAINBOW, MOTHER F—KAAAAA!**" Halfway through, the music abruptly stopped as the injured Spartan collapsed and was surrounded by 3 medics. The pink airship crashed to the floor, and marked the end of the unusually short defense of New Warsaw (5 minutes).

Detroit...

"WHAAAAA!?" Frank's awesome day just turned into a gift from god. For reasons unknown, kissing Tohka (more like receiving it) melted all of her purple and gold armor/dress clothing off. Her sword disintegrated to light, leaving her without any clothes as she hugged Doc tightly. Blood spewed out of his nose and fell onto her chest as he thought _I THOUGHT THIS ONLY HAPPENS IN ANIME! __**THIS IS THE BEST DAY ANY PERSON COULD HAVE IN A MILLION YEARS!**_ He tried to save neural images of this scene, but they were replaced with grisly scenes from operating rooms in various UNSC bases and spaceships. "S-Sarah! What happened!? Why are you-" more blood spurt from his nose.

"...don't look!" She covered his eyes with her hands, revealing a bit of herself before Doc was blinded. "When you kiss a spirit who is in love with you, you seal their powers... and that includes what they're wearing..." _Oh, yeah. Rias told us earlier. _Remembered Frank, but slowly removed her hands.

"Come on. Let's go find some clothes!" He offered her a piggyback ride, so he could feel her nice, slender legs-

"I'll walk." she insisted coldly. "But Frank-San! I just wanted to say..."

"Yeah?"

"I lov-"

Somewhere else...

"Oh, so Tohka confesses her love to Frank? Interesting..."

"Uh, hey, I'm the new guy... what's up?"

"Oh, you're the new guy! Hey, I'm ##### and I'll be assisting you on your internship! My job is to just monitor these two fellows here- Tohka and Frank "Doc" DuFresne. If something goes wrong, just push _this _button and-"

"Like this?"

**SPACEQUIAKE NOW COMMENCING IN U-84 X= 413 Y= 45341 Z= 034932**

"YOU A-SHOLE! THAT TRIGGERED ANOTHER SPACEQUAKE IN THEIR AREA! Move out of the way... we only form spacequakes in places BOSS tells us! After all, he's the leader of Team-"

Back in Detroit...

"Sarah... is that really true? Well, then, I'll have you know I feel the same way for you! And that comes with BENEFITS! I will show you the world... shining shimmering splendid... tell me princess, now when did you last let your heart decide? I can open your eyes... take you wonder by wonder over, sideways and under on a-"

**WHOOOOOOSSSHHHHHHHHH**

"Frank-San, RUN!" cried Tohka. Doc was interrupted in his talented singing session by a purple vortex opening above his head. Taking Sarah by the hand, he ducked into a nearby supermarket, just as it closed up.

"Wait, whaaaa?" Frank poked his head outside, looking up into the crimson-navy blue sky. "What just happened? I swear I saw one of those space-"

"Look, Frank-San!" Sarah pulled Doc through a clothing store window as he fixed his eyes back on her. _Oh, man, I wish I had Issei's ability to mentally save images! Tohka, stay right there while I go look for a camera! _"I'll be right back!" She literally _ripped _clothes off of the displays and ran behind the counter. _WAIT! I didn't savor this moment enough NOOOOO!_ Tohka put on the clothes she chose; short jeans, a pink t-shirt with puffy sleeves and a short, pink skirt attached on its hem, and of course, purple undergarments. "How do I look?"

"Uh... you look great no matter what you put on!" said Frank. "And I found this earlier!" he added, handing her a purple butterfly hairband... thing...y.

A loud SMASH rang through the air. It sounded like a person picked up a whale and threw it into a hotel.

"D-MNIT! What the h-ll was that!?" cried Tohka, falling to the floor in an infancy position. "Frank-San, get down!"

A few minutes earlier...

"GOD D-MNIT!" screamed Stratos, punching the wall and forming a hole in it. "Soap's dead. CABOOOSE IS F—KING DEAD. Who the h-ll is next?! 1337?" Donut was on the floor, in tears, with Akeno. William was staring at the wall and sniffling, while 1337 was repeatedly and softly smashing his head against the wall. Simmons was staring at Caboose, drifting into his "big nap" as Haruhi cradled him and sobbed over him.

"Ok, just calm down-" pleaded Agent Washington, but was responded with an unusually powerful punch to the face.

"Does it LOOK like I can calm down!?" she grabbed Agent Washington by the collar. "HE DIDN'T DESERVE TO DIE! NEITHER DID SOAP! I CAN'T CALM DOWN!" She threw Agent Washington to William, then crawled on top of him and started punching him in the face repeatedly. William, however, flipped her back over and kicked himself off of her. "He was the youngest... HE'S F—KING SIXTEEN YEARS OLD!" All of a sudden, golden light filled the air and the building William was facing flew off of its foundation and smashed through 4 hotels before crumbling to dust. On his left forearm was a...

"...uh, Rias?" Issei pointed at William, who intended to punch the wall. "...is that what I think it is?" A glowing red and gold gauntlet, that looked like a mech and dragon gauntlet fused together, was on William's right forearm. "Is that a... Sacred gear?" Rias walked over and inspected it, getting a little _too _close to William while Akeno slowly looked up and tilted her head in curiosity, wiping the tears away from her eyes.

Rias concluded, "Yes. One of the FIFTEEN longinus-"

"Uh, what's a longinus?" asked 1337.

"Basically," explained Issei, "a sacred gear strong enough to kill gods."

"The three factions- angels, fallen angels, and devils, predicted there were only 13 longinus in existence. But it turns out there were two more; the sacred gear of illusions and the sacred gear of infinitely powerful chaos. They are currently the strongest ones in existence, and it is said that the hosts are great rivals." explained Rias calmly as William looked at his new sacred gear. "It turns out you're one of them."

"...so just how powerful is this?" asked William, observing his new sacred gear. "And how long did I have this thing? How come I never knew about it?"

"Well, we don't know for sure." said Rias. "It all depends on the host's physical and mental capabilities, as well as what the sacred gear does, and if it is inhabited by a dragon's spirit. And right now, I'm about to find out what dragon resides in your sacred gear." She summoned her book once again, flipping through numerous pages before coming to a stop. "Oh... my god..."

"...yes?" William was getting nervous.

"...Great Red?" As soon as Rias said the two words, Issei broke his eyes from widening in surprise, Akeno gasped in terror, Koneko sighed in distress as she mourned Caboose, and Xenovia was just flat-out confused. Asia was still KO'd. "Great Red is the most poweful dragon in all of existence! He controls dreams and illusions... so that means your sacred gear can form illusions, as well as grant you extraordinary power!"

"So is that why I was able to punch this building out of the way?" asked William.

"Pretty much. Who is your greatest rival?" Rias wanted to find the user of the other sacred gear.

"Uh... Grif?" suggested Sarge. "Hey, now that I have this sacred gear, I can kill him easier!"

Grif facepalmed and groaned, "Oh joy."

"Somebody that wasn't on your team..."

"Oh! He isn't really my rival anymore, but Caboose! We hated each other with a _passion!_" responded William. "But now he's dead... surely there's something you can do, right? He's just sleeping, right? Or in a coma?" Stratos was curled up in the feral position, lightly sobbing the whole time as Agent Washington attempted to comfort her.

Rias reached inside her pocket and slowly opened her hand, revealing what she was holding in her palm. "If you insist he's sleeping, you may say he's sleeping. But right now, I'm about to wake him up."

Stratos slowly looked up. "The f—k?"

Turning her hand upside down, a glowing, red rook fell through the air. Shedding crimson light as it made its descent to the deceased Caboose, it finally landed on his sternum, where it sunk in with glowing, red light. "The h-ll are you doing with him!?" cried Stratos, jumping to her feet and watching.

"From this day forward, Michael J. Caboose-" Rias didn't get the chance to finish her sentence, because Caboose suddenly jerked up and slowly tilted his spasming head to Rias.

"Oh, hi, RiasOOF!" Caboose was going to die- AGAIN- from being smothered by hugs and drowning from the tears of his friends. "ACK! SHEILA! Why does my stomach hurt!? Why are they hugging me and crying!?" He flailed his arms around in an attempt to swat everybody off, but it was evident they weren't going to let go just yet. "What happened!? What's going on? Are they infected with the tickle monster virus?!"

"CABOOSE!" Stratos looked angrily at Caboose, tears pouring down the sides of her face. "Don't _ever _do that again, please! Rias... you have our deepest thanks! ...and that was an understatement! But anyways... thank you!"

Somewhere random...

"My prediction was right. William Block-Barrett was _indeed _the host of Great Red."

"Hah! I'd like to challenge him to a battle to test out his powers!"

"So... you want to fight a complete 'newbie'? I wouldn't expect you to win. Just _look _how powerful he is! He punched a building off of its foundation. Also, he's the host of _Great Red, _the most powerful dragon of all. Combine this with the fact that William is extremely physically and mentally powerful, he would kill you easily."

"No, I could just halve his powers! I could keep halving and halving them until he's no stronger than an ant, and then I'LL CRUSH HIS BRAINS OUT!"

"You don't get it, do you? I'm going to be gone for a while. I will be residing in my host. Until then, I want you to rethink your choices. Rethink them carefully.

_Never _underestimate your enemy."

And now...

"BORED!" whined Sister, slumping down on the wall. "There's nothing to do around here!"

"Sugiero que ir a buscar a una zona segura." suggested Lopez. "Sorprendentemente, Agente Maine no está matando a cualquiera de nosotros todavía."

"Yeah, let's go see what McLeod's up to!" shouted Sister. Lopez facepalmed, goraning about how nobody understood him. "Hey, McLeod, what's up? McLeod?"

"Uh, yeah, hey, McLeod isn't here." said a voice on the intercom. "Also, we're going to have to cut communications now, because somebody... or something... is tracing us through this. So UNSC Nagato... over and out."

Sister wailed in distress. "NOOOO! We're DOOMED! Doomed, I say-"

"Be quiet! I'm trying to sleep!" snapped Saya from another room.

**WHOOOOOOSSSHHHHHHHHH**

"Finally! The air conditioning!" cried Takashi from another room.

"Guys, I don't think that's the air conditioning." Sister stared straight into a developing spacequake. "That's the sign that WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE! RUUUUUN!" She shoved Lopez into the hallway, who stumbled right into Maine. Unlike previous ones, this spacequake sounded more ghastly, like somebody threw a spice of death into it. If you combined the sound of a tornado, foghorn, banshee scream, and hurricane, that's what it sounded like.

Unfortunately, the sound would be the last Sister heard.

Somewhere else...

"YEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" His favorite song: The CSI: Miami theme, the best song to listen to when driving on a road, surrounded on both sides by a field that stretched on for miles. A desert buggy that exposed its frame zoomed through the road on the left side, the only car that he saw in miles. Adjusting his glasses, he looked at the 20-year old work badge he still wore around his neck.

BLACK MESA SCIEN-

"Oh, man, this is the favorite part of the song!" He turned the volume up on the radio, headbanging like crazy and unaware of the lone cow shambling across the road. But it wasn't just any cow! A tan headcrab was fixed on its cranium as it turned its head to face the approaching desert buggy, with a single person driving it. That person was one all of the Combine feared, and perhaps the man that would change the world. "AURGH! COW!" Slamming his feet on the brakes, the buggy abruptly jerked forwards before coming to a stop. The man took his .357 revolver that glinted in the sunlight before he popped a cap in the cow's head, and as a result, exploding it like a pinata.

Setting his smoking .357 down on the passenger seat, the former Black Mesa scientist resumed his drive. All of his 2 PHDs in theoretical physics and perfect job at one of the coolest places on Earth were _partially _thrown out the window, mainly due to what the Earth had become to now. But... that didn't mean he could get a new job! The question was... where? "OH! HOLY MACARONI!" The desert buggy smashed to an abrupt stop once again in front of a mysterious woman dragging a white cube behind her, and the former scientist flew out where the window should be. "ScrewyouNewton'slawsofphysics!" he cried before rolling on the floor, picking up cuts and scrapes along the way. He slowly got up, to his feet. "Miss! Miss! Oh, gosh, MISS! Are you all right? What's your name?" Her white tank top read in big blue letters:

APERTURE SCIENCE

Aperture Science was (formerly) Black Mesa's rival, before they formed agreed to finally cooperate and work on a project humanity would know as something that would devastate the world: the project to extend human life. Black Mesa was still recovering from its "incident" in 1998-1999, so with the financial support from the government, Mann. Co, and what was left of Aperture Science, they created a successful chemical agent that was tested on the mercenaries (who apparently believed they were in the late 60s). Mann Co., the project's main funder, pulled the mercenaries out and resumed their war between each other, while Black Mesa and Aperture Science decided to test the chemical agent on a metropolis in Europe.

Now, the Earth's dominant species were now zombies.

"Aperture Science!" The scientist led the woman, probably in her late 20s, into his desert buggy. "You know, I used to work for Aperture Science a little before getting hired by Black Mesa as a... 'spy' to investigate Aperture Science. What's your name?"

She signed-

"Oh, really! You know, I had a daughter named Chell, and she looked _exactly _like you. My name's Freeman. _Gordon _Freeman. It's nice to meet you, Chell! What's your last name?" asked Gordon, shaking her hand.

Chell signed "Johnson." Gordon Freeman slammed the brakes down on his desert buggy and looked at Chell in the eye, smiling and laughing like a maniac.

"CHELL!" He put his hands on her shoulders. "Did Cave Johnson adopt you!?" She nodded. "Oh my gosh CHELL! YOU'RE MY DAUGHTER! My LONG LOST DAUGHTER!" The hugging spree was commenced. "Chell, what were you doing in Aperture Science this whole time? Did you get to test out their handheld portal device or whatever it was called? Do you know what's happening?"

"I worked as a test subject." signed Chell. Gordon Freeman gasped in utter horror and kept his eyes on the road, mashing the gas pedal and gritting his teeth.

"Aperture Science, I knew something was up with you." He growled. "Fear not, my only daughter! I will avenge what's left of Aperture Science! Not only that, I'll bring an _army! _Chell, you look famished! I'll go find something to eat!" Turning on the radio again, he resumed his head banging and air guitaring. "Anyways... if you've been in captivity for this long... say, how did you end up here?"

"All of Aperture Science's staff is killed." explained Chell through sign language. "GLaDOS made me go through test chamber after test chamber, with nothing but the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device (ASHPD, or Portal Gun) and these shock absorbing boots. It's a long story, so to sum it up, GLaDOS kicked me out and told me not to come back again."

Gordon Freeman nodded in acknowledgement. "I went through worse. Black Mesa was a mess, and I went to an _alternate dimension! _A gosh darn _alternate dimension, _for Pete's sakes! With only a CROWBAR! Next, some guy who refers to himself as 'G-Man' shows up, hires me for a 'job', and puts me in stasis. I wake up in 20 years to wake up in the middle of Earth's invasion by a so-called 'multiverse-wide' empire known as the 'Combine'. Did GLaDOS put you in the stasis sleep between tests as well?" Chell nodded in responde. "I see. Chronologically, I'm around 40, but I look 20. HEY! We can use stasis as an anti-aging solution!"

"**ATTENTION, CITIZENS. PLEASE PULL OVER.**" A black and orange helicopter, armed to the teeth with lasers, missile launchers, and machine guns, flew up and hovered right behind the dune buggy. It was the COMBINE! Those donkeys drained the ocean, cut down miles and miles of forests, killed almost all of the livestock, and brainwashed humans to join their ever-expanding armies. Not only that, they were _pretty advanced _in terms of technology and genetic 'reconfiguring', which explains how they mutated insects to be the size of whales and fit lasers on their mouths, then trained them to be genocidal maniacs.

"Aaaaaaaaaand that's the Combine. GET DOWN!" Gordon screamed, taking out a rocket launcher from the back of his seat and firing it straight at the helicopter's rotors. With a sickening and incessant beeping noise, the helicopter spun and smashed into the road, hacking up copious amounts of dirt as it slid across the road, heading for the desert buggy. It stopped the instant its blades flew off, however. "Man, this is one crazy world we live in! I'm glad the next generation won't have to go through all this mess, however, 'cause by then, we'll have solved _all _of the problems!"

_Something tells me this is going to be a long drive. _Mentally sighed Chell.

However...

"Ok, guys, this is where it all started... I _think._" whispered Adam Jensen to the group behind him. He poked his head out of the wall, revealing a tall building with 2 guards standing in front of the entrance, both holding the flechette rifles and occasionally shooting at a passing necromorph. "Since David Sarif, our target, is on the top floor. First, we make out way to the elevator... quietly... and shut down the slipspace engine they were experimenting with." Akeno, dying of boredom, stuck her hand out and fired a ball of lightning at one of the guards, evaporating him into a red and crimson mist. AJ fired a spike in the other guard's head, skewering it like a kebab. "...and I said we were going to do this quietly..." he added at the last second, moments before the alarm went off. "Let's just play it by the book-"

"-F—k the book!" insisted Isaac Clarke, running out of cover and taking one of the guard's rifles. "I'm sick and tired of all this sh-t. What I want to do is go home to the lunar colonies, meet up with Ellie, and hope something like this doesn't happen again." He kicked down the front doors and went rambo on everybody, firing from the hip and not missing at all. 1337 poked his head around the corner and threw up all over a potted plant, disgusted at how the flechette rifle killed its targets. Rias ran in and backed up against a wall, peeking around the corner to see, like, 30 guards with flechette rifles and shotguns, all preparing for the intruders. A guy was setting up an MG42 on the desk and loading it as bullets and spikes were exchanged, with a hint of demonic powers.

Church ran inside and scoffed as the MG42 fired away. "Heh! Why are you taking cover? They can't shoot for SH-T! Watch..." He stuck his whole head outside as the MG42 completely shredded it to millions of fragments. Once again, Church's robot body was destroyed, and he had to resort to sharing Caboose's neural implant with Sheila.

"Looks like they _can _shoot for sh-t." remarked Stratos, taking a tan-colored shotgun, a Widowmaker TX, from the dead receptionist, and firing it down the hallway. Rias formed a magic circle shield a few meters in diameter and stood in the middle of the hallway, with the shield absorbing more and more bullets. Once she accumulated enough, she fired them back at the guards. Blood exploded everywhere like mentos thrown into diet coke.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me." murmured Agent Washington as a tank burst down the wall Rias was facing and shifted its aim for the Arbiter, who was shoved out of the way by Koneko. "Aaaaaand that means we head for the elevator." Mashing buttons like crazy, Agent Washington ran into the middle elevator and nearly got trampled by everybody running in. Akeno held her hand in front of the controls, shorting it and instantly jerking the elevator to the top floor without closing its doors and stopping.

"Knock knock." William walked up to one of the closed doors and knocked lightly.

"Uh... who's there?" asked a person inside.

"Surprise." said William.

"...surprise who?"

"SURPRISE, MOTHER F-CKER!" shouted Sarge, kicking down the door and dispensing spikes like an Asian bazaar. It was just the bathroom. "Oh, sorry 'bout that." he said to the expanding pool of blood forming from one of the stalls. Suddenly, a guard leapt out and tried to smack Sarge over the head with a folding chair, but Femscout took it from him and smashed it over _his _face, giving the seat an indent of his broken nose and grimaced expression.

"Sarif is this way." Adam pointed down the hall to a door at the end, which Koneko ran up to and kicked off its hinges. David Sarif flipped back in his chair from surprise as Isaac Clarke burst in, shooting the two guards in the head and one in the stomach with the 10mm pistol he found. "YOU! SARIF! I thought your company only dealt with biological augmentations, no?" Adam Jensen shouted as Isaac Clarke shoved Sarif and his chair out of the way and ran up to the computer he was working on, entangled with various wires and other machinery. "You, Isaac Clarke! Do you know how to deactivate it?"

"**F-CKING LINUX!**" screamed Isaac Clarke. "I'm familiar with Windows. MAC OS X. Even the freaking 8-bit ATARI DOS! But LINUX! I should've taken the time to get familiar with it... you, SARIF! Are you the bloke who's behind all of this!" He pointed his nickel and gold-plated pistol at David Sarif, spasming in fear. "Hey. HEY!" Suddenly, William snatched the pistol from Isaac Clarke.

"I know how to interrogate." said William, shooting David Sarif in the knee. A strangled cry broke out in the room, while Caboose slowly covered Haruhi's and Asia's eyes. "Sarif, tell me who is behind this! Is it you?"

"NO!" he cried out tremulously. "I-If you want answers, ask G-Giovanni or W-Wescott! Isaac Wescott! W-We got into this with the best of intentions, seriously! I just want to tell you how sorry we are... that things got so _f—ked up... _we got into this with the best of intentions, seriously-" Suddenly, before Sarif could finish, William shot the wounded guard in the head once, killing him.

_Silence._

William then leaned in closer to David Sarif. He asked him, "Oh, I'm sorry, did I break your concentration?" David Sarif was panting and whimpering in fear. "I didn't mean to do that. Please. Continue. You were saying something about... best intentions."

_Silence._

"O-Oh, you were finished! Well, allow me to retort!" William asked David Sarif slowly, "What does Isaac Wescott... look like?"

"W-what?" whimpered David Sarif. Infuriated, Sarge threw over a table with his bottle of vodka sitting on it and turned back to David.

"What country you from!?" demanded Sarge.

"W-w-what?" asked David, spasming in pain.

"What ain't a country I ever heard of!" shouted Sarge. "They speak English in WHAT?"

"What?"

"ENGLISH, MOTHERF-CKER, DO YOU _SPEAK IT!_" it was obvious to anybody who watched _Pulp Fiction _that he was stealing lines from Samuel L. Jackson.

"Yes, yes!" David Sarif was surprised at how good a 16 year old was good at interrogation. Then again, William wasn't a normal 16 year old.

"Then you know what I'm saying!" he yelled.

"Yes!"

"Describe what Isaac Wescott LOOKS LIKE!" William was close to getting answers.

"W-w-w-what?" stuttered David Sarif. He was so full of fear, his vocabulary was now centered around the word "what".

"Say what again!" William raised his pistol at David Sarif's head while Isaac Clarke and Adam Jensen nervously stepped back. "SAY. WHAT. AGAIN! I dare you, I _double _dare you, you mother f-cker, say what one more god d-mn time."

"He..." panting and closing his eyes, close to losing it from fear, said "He's white-"

Sarge shouted in excitement, "GO ON!"

"He- he has platinum blonde hair and blue eyes! He's European! I think he's from the UK!"

"Does he look like a b-tch!?" William tilted his head and looked at Sarif intimidatingly, as if he was going to rip his arms off at any moment.

"W-WHAT?" David Sarif cried out. Sarge shot him in the shoulder in response.

"DOES HE LOOK. LIKE. A B-TCH!" he reiterated, infuriated.

"_NO!_" cried Sarif, clutching his right shoulder

"Then why are you acting like you're his b-tch?" William frowned. "You can choose to be a leader or a follower. And I don't want to be anybody's slave, or in this case, b-tch."

"I didn't-"

"Yes you did, Sarif. YES, YOU DID!" Adam Jensen tapped Sarge on the shoulder before he could move on, and he pointed to the computer and made a gesture that said "finish up". "Ok, then... you read the bible, David?"

"W-what- I mean, yes..."

"Well, there's this passage I have memorized... and I was saving it up for a little occasion like this, you know? So I'm going to share it with you right now." Grif snickered a little bit, not believing Sarge actually memorized Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is bisect on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is _truly_ his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will STRIKE DOWN UPON THEE WITH GREAT VENGEANCE AND FUUUUURIOUS ANGER... those who attempt to POISION and DESTROY my brothers! AND YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS THE LORD... **WHEN I LAY MY VENGEANCE UPON THEE!**"

"NO!" screamed David Sarif before Isaac Clarke and William each shot their pistols 5 times at David Sarif's sorry head as blood and gray matter flew everywhere like a water sprinkler. Everything above his lower jaw was missing.

"...dude, you don't have to go all Samuel L. Jackson on him." facepalmed Tucker. Sarif's body fell on the computer.

**SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE... ACTIVATED.**

"MOTHER F—KER!"

(•_•)

( •_•)⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

**You. What's your favorite anime?**

"Uh... who is this?"

**Come on, Spork. You know. Tell us, what is your favorite anime? If you like all of them equally, tell us one that you like.**

"Another."

**Ah, I see. At first, I thought it was an anime wannabe of **_**Final Destination. **_**Your favorite character is...?**

"Misaki. Mei Misaki."

**Should've known. You know, considering how many universes there are, there's a good chance that there is a universe where Mei Misaki exists. Fat chance, though. Why? Well, there are roughly 512 trillion universes. FIVE HUNDRED TWELVE F—KING TRILLION! The chances of you meeting her are 1 in 512,000,000,000,000.**

"Darn it..."

**But! There's always cosplay! Tell me somebody you know who would fit cosplaying Mei Misaki.**

"Ooooh! Oh! Kurumi-San!"

**Ex-f*cking-actly. She could cut her hair shoulder-length (*sigh*), get a white eyepatch, and wear a Yomiyama North school uniform! It's perfect, no? Also, since it's impossible to kill her, you don't have to worry about DEM killing her.**

"Who... or what... is DEM?"

**Deus Ex Machina industries. They kill spirits, but the mech suits they have are **_**nothing **_**compared to the MK. VIII experimental armor systems the UNSC is preparing to give to the remaining Spartan-IIs. Also, DEM industries and everybody who works there are complete a-sholes. They tried to kill Kurumi, for pete's sakes! But they won't! Why? Spork, you and I as well as my... friend... here, we'll take 'em down with the help of your friends!**

"Who are you? Who is your friend? And how do you know all of this?"

**We know **_**everything. **_**Ah... I'm Frederick, and my friend here is Cameron. She's **_**hot**_**!**

"Wait, Frederick-"

**I'm your triplet, FOOL! So is Cameron! Well, more accurately, a spirit. Not a ghost. Also, your friend... your friend... what's her codename? Oh, yeah, Stratos! Stratos claimed that if your evil self was actually your dead triplet, it would suck if all of this was written as a story. It's kind of overused, and I completely agree with her. BUT DEAL WITH IT! We're going to help you, Spork. We may be dead physically, but we live on in your mind as long as you live. We were born together, we will do all sorts of stuff together, and we will die together... as triplets!**

But first, Spork, you're going to have to find that sword.

"Wait, why?"

"Because it allows you to become a bada-s swordsman, FOOL! The instant you touch it, I take over and go batsh-t on all opponents. Real men use swords, not guns. Oh, keep in mind that Cameron can't take over, sadly."

Ok, Spork, good luck!

"Wait wait w-"

This time, and for real... Spork gained consciousness.

* * *

"Ugh... wha-"

**COME ON SPORK! GET OFF OF YOUR LAZY ARSE AND GO FIND THE OTHERS!**

"I can't! I can't move my body and Nui freaking stabbed the scissor through my chest and into the floor! Like a harpoon! And I also can't see a thing!"

Don't worry! Smiled Cameron, even though Spork couldn't see her. You'll be better riiiiiiiiight now.

**Oh, f—k! Freakin' spacequakes popping out everywhere! Great... now who the heck knows where we'll be going now!?**

_Westfield _supermarket...

"Uh.. Tohka?" Doc pointed out the store's display windows at a tall building with the words _SARIF INDUSTRIES _on it. A spacequake was swallowing it up, as well as most of upper Detroit. "Tohka... do you know a safe place?" Tohka shook her head, poking her head out a broken window to see what was happening. "I-is there another spirit?"

"Frank-Saaaaaaan!" she whined, grabbing him by the collar and dragging him out of the supermarket. "That one is man-made! I can't stop it!" Pulling him to the floor as a torrent of sharp glass flew over their heads, they resumed running in the opposite direction. "If only we had the shield-"

"Problem solved!" proudly declared Frank. A glowing, purple force field was projected around the two. "Remember how you said that I sealed your powers? Well, it turns out... I can USE THEM as well!"


	39. A very serious fate-deciding question!

Hey, guys. It's VostoK SporK here, and as you all know, this story... hasn't been updated in a while.

Why?

Well, there are... many reasons why I abandoned this project. First of all, this story turned out a way I never wanted it to turn out. There were originally going to be... 3-5 fandoms with less than 40 characters, but guess what? Ever since I got introduced to Highschool DxD (my very first anime), I got addicted to anime and started watching a whole bunch of different series, then I threw them in. And now, it's a mess. Nui Harime appeared and got killed the instant she showed up, which was kind of pointless introducing her, and now I'm regretting adding Highschool of the Dead to the big mess. All of this... I worked on this story for one year, and it amounted to nothing. Do you know what it feels like to work your butt off on something that was going to end up as "too complicated"?

Secondly, I am running out of ideas. The story twisted and turned, and now it's somewhere in an alley located somewhere in Russia. IT HAS NOWHERE TO GO. More than half of the characters are in the Pokemon universe, now what? What will they do next? What's gonna happen?

Thirdly, the characters are WAY out of character. I'm not gonna expand on this one, because it's a little to obvious.

Fourth, it makes heterochromia look common.

Finally... I don't know. The story is an alien to me now. I look back at it and wonder to myself: Now how the heck did THAT happen? What was I thinking back then?! I totally regret the decision of putting in Highschool of the Dead, Bionicle, Half Life, Portal, Team Fortress 2... DEUS EX (I have no idea what the story is)... and look where it got me.

So I'm going to ask you readers now. Should I just abandon this story to the RECYCLE BIN, an unforgiving void that does not return what it has captured? Should I kill off some characters, throw out some fandoms, and continue the story as if nothing happened? Or should I leave the fate of everybody up to you? The reader? You know... choose your own adventure?

Oh, well. It was... I don't know... 7 months. 7 months wasted. 7 months I could have spent changing the world, even though I haven't finished school yet. But were those 7 months wasted... or simply the time needed to lay the groundwork for one of the greatest (I hope) FanFictions I have ever written?

I don't know, do you?


	40. The Great Kill-Off

The following fandoms will remain:

Halo

Dead Space

Highschool DxD

Pokemon

Date A Live

Red VS Blue

_All the other ones will be deleted and/or killed off. Thank you very much._


	41. No

_"Hello, everybody. It is I, the author._  
_I have not been on FanFiction for the past few months, not primarily because I didn't want to write anything, but rather because I have expressed a form of profound disinterest through not updating for months._  
_I spread my attention across the various stories you all enjoy._  
_Writing._  
_Stopping._  
_I have lost all inspiration to write my stories, as I am no longer interested in said things._  
_I am very sorry._  
_So I have decided to write about things I like now. Such as Destiny, and perhaps RWBY. I don't know... maybe that means something?_  
_Anyways, check back every few days (bullshit) or so! I take long to update._  
_Bye."_

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH bullshit.

I don't want to launch into some long speech, so I'll cut it short.

I'm coming back, and I will work on this story (Blood Gulch Spirits is FIRST IN LINE).

My original followers and reviewers may or may not be around. Whatever the case, I am back, and if you are/an original follower or reviewer, thanks for keeping your faith in me.

Expect a new chapter soon enough. Until then, remember this: I'm back.


End file.
